About who should get up with the kids

[rainingitspouring2]

I have 2 small children under 4. My DH works shifts. I get up for all the night wakes, breastfeed and get up everyday at 5am when my youngest wakes up , do breakfast, the nursery run or watch them both all day do bedtime all on my own etc

When DH is off for a chunk of time I ask if he can get up with LO at 5am sometimes especially if I am working that day. He doesn't like doing this at all - says I WFH and his job is not comparable to mine so if he has any disrupted sleep he should still get a lie in as my job is 'easy'. However I am still disturbed as my youngest always comes in the bed on my side and leaves him alone and I still would like to have some rest so when I log in at 9am for work I dont feel like I've lived 100 lives before facing the tasks at hand. I'm also not asking for it often just now and then.

Should mothers just accept this is part of the load of motherhood?

AIBU?

No no no. He needs to pull his weight.

I agree with the person who said having the first night when he gets off shift to sleep is reasonable. But after that he should be doing the night wakings plus the 5am start.

Are they not his too or am I missing something?

Of course he needs to pull his weight.

You mention shift work - if he's on a night shift, I wouldn't expect him to get up at 5am.

Apart from that he needs to help.

It’s hard with a shift pattern I’m sure but no way should he be opting out of ALL the wakeups and early morning crap. It will make you ill and stressed to do all that for month after month.

Time for a Come To Jesus meeting? Or for someone to find a job with more family friendly hours? Do not just accept this - it’s not normal.

Absolutely not. It's harder to establish when shift work is involved but no way should you need to do it every day and really shit he would let you! Nobody likes getting up at 5am with their kid but that's what you have to do when you are a parent!

They are his kids as well. Are you saying that to be deliberately ignorant?

No, he's simply being an outright prick.

He’s sefish and doesn’t care if you are tired as long as he’s not put out. Thats basically the crux of it, he just doesn’t care.

Yes. This truth is often hard for people to take.

It's the age old hypocrisy isn't it. Either it's easy enough for you to do it all the time, in which case it should be no big deal for him to do it. Or it's tiring and difficult and so he shouldn't expect you to do it all.

So many men seem to struggle to grasp that one.

He should be doing far more than the odd early morning. Yes the shifts complicate things a little but women who work shifts manage to parent too.

Who are the stupid 3%?

Of course YANBU.

Exactly this, my dh was the same.

He's a selfish loser.
Shit husband and shit father.
I am so sorry.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
He really doesn't care about you.
That's the bottom line.
I hope you have family and friends around?
Tell them the truth.
Men like him don't change.

It can be hard to work out what's 'fair' because there's individual circumstances (work hours, sleep needs, start and end times) -- you just try and put in equal effort generally. It's not fair if one person is running themselves ragged and the other is cruising. I'd question how much someone loves and respects their partner if they're prepared to laze about in bed everyday while they see them exhausted.

I have 2 under 4 and they prefer me to take them to bed and come find me when they get up in the middle of the night or morning. I do what I can reasonably. Sometimes it just has to be DH's turn.

@rainingitspouring2 think of him just as a sperm donor!! he is never a loving hubby!

They're his kids too, genius.

It shouldn't be about "who has the easiest job". If you say you're struggling, he should help you when he can because he cares about you. Even if he was right and your job's dead easy (your job might be - I know mine is - but looking after two toddlers all day is emotionally and physically knackering)... but even if he's right and you just have a lower stamina for hard work than most... that doesn't change the fact that you do feel tired and he should help you because he cares.

So dh works mon-Friday I work 3 days. I do all morning wake ups in the week he does Saturday I do Sunday.

Your dh is very selfish , childcare should be 50/50 . We both worked when children were young. He got up in the night and also got up to go work . It's called team work .

Just had a massive arguement. I know we are both tired. He did get up with one of our DC last night but the other was in the bed on me and my arguement was I do night wakes and get up and do breakfast when he works I'd just like the same sometimes. Anyway he has been off with me even though he got up at 5am and I got up at 6am to help and start work
Divorce has been thrown around by him. Says if we are both unhappy why stick it out. He asked if I am happy and I didn't reply. Is this rash considering the circumstances and that we are both just sleep deprived and in the trenches of having young children. I'm so confused and lost right now I do want to be happy bit I don't know what to do...

put this issue completely aside OP

what is like as a husband
is the marriage otherwise happy?

Their also his kids so he should take care of them too

He isn't terrible he is very kind to the kids and hands on when we do a family activity and also kind to me does dinners when home etc but I do feel like sometimes he doesn't give me much credit and I get the impression he feels like I'm not doing enough because I get tired and overstimulated or when he does help out, it's hard. A lot of his friends don't do much and he thinks he does too much. Because I get this feeling I don't initiate sex and don't accept advances sometimes either as I don't feel appreciated or desired generally. Tbh he doesn't advance on me very often anyway. I'm frustrated but secure and the children are happy and healthy and I would hate to take that from them.

Does he usually threaten divorce when yiuve had a disagreement?

I'd be wary that hes just saying it to shut you up so he doesnt have to pull his weight. Remind him if you do divorce he will have the kids 50% of the time on his own

It doesnt sound like hes very nice OP.

as your children get older
they will be very aware if their parents are unhappy

If you lived separately from your H and co-parented 50/50, would your life get easier of harder?

If easier, then go for divorce, he should be enhancing your life and sharing life's challenges, not making it harder for you.