To have put it on fb?

[Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead]

Elderly relative had a big birthday last week. We are a tiny family so l took on the lion's share of organising everything and went all out with a gift, meals and a lovely day out doing something she has been wanting to do for ages. Spent a fortune but just wanted to make her happy. She told everyone from waiters to people on the train that she was celebrating her big birthday so l thought it was ok to not keep it a secret. Did a little fb post saying happy birthday with a lovely picture of her which in hindsight was stupid of me cos she's not on there but one of her neighbours saw it and she has had a proper pop at me tonight and told me to take it down immediately. Said l have really upset her by doing that which l am mortified about.
Feel like shit now after what was such a lovely few days and think l have ruined all the memories we made. Aarrgghh why did l do that?

Even if it's a platform you use, it doesn't mean you use it in that way.

You shouldn't be posting pictures of people online unless you've checked with them that it's fine to post pictures of them online. I find it hugely violating.

You did a lovely thing for her, but that's seperate to what you've done here. She's within her rights to be angry about this. It's one thing to post a happy birthday on someone's timeline and completely different to post about someone else on your FB who doesn't use FB at all. The former us about them, the later isn't. If you're feeling bitter towards her because of her reaction that is really unfair to her, she hasn't done anything wrong being angry about this.

Sorry but I think your relative is bang out of order and very ungrateful. If she wanted the photo taken down then that’s fair enough, she could have just asked without having a pop at you and making you feel like shit when you had gone to such effort for her. She’s lucky you bothered - and if I were you, I would be wishing I hadn’t.

Don't worry.
Did the family member tell you herself?
I think the jealous neighbour is feeding her words.

Many of us have reached a point where we absolutely do not want to be posted about on FB

So you get to decide how hurt OPs elderly relative should feel about this? You consider this minor so everyone else in the whole world must consider this minor and no one who doesn't use social media has the right to be angry when someone posts their photo on social media? OP did a lovely thing yes, but then she did something that obviously hurt her relative a lot. It's well known some people find social media intrusive and think having their photo online is a breach of privacy. What happened was a direct result of OP not considering her relatives feelings about this. The fact she meant well and it wasn't purposeful doesn't make it less hurtfull to her elderly relative. She should have asked.

You: "mumsnet will come on and give you a hard time"
Also you: "Ok get down off your high horse before you get a nose bleed"
Yup

You sound really thoughtful Op, you’ve put a lot of effort into a lovely birthday, don’t let your relatives concern about face book spoil your memories of a nice day out .

It's not minor though is it. It's a violation of privacy. If someone isn't on social media there's usually a reason. The main one being they don't want their personal information slapped all over the internet.
I'm glad social media wasn't a thing when I was a child. If my parents chronicled my childhood all over social media I'd be really cross. I'm on social media. I do not allow anyone to post my DC on there. If they want to when they are older fair enough, but he's too young to understand now.

This, I absolutely hope this relative has no photos of you or any of your family members in her possession... who knows who she's shown them to!!

People are weird. Yes, children are a hard no but a family photo shared with, presumably, close friends. Come on. If this was something the relative was concerned about they should have said when photos were being taken. You know she doesn't like it now so note it but don't fret anymore, it sounds like you did a lot more than most to give your family member a lovely birthday.

Social media is so vilified in the media (and rightly so), that people who don't use it might think all kinds of things happening with the picture. Chances are nobody saw it but friends -why would they?. You've taken it down, so no harm done.

You've been forgiven, so don't give yourself a hard time.

This is what I don't get. My family are like this, don't want "to be shared on social media" but my Facebook is just family and friends! It's not public. I think some people don't understand the difference between the platforms and stupidly think they are being posted on a huge public noticeboard AND that somehow the whole world will see them. It's ridiculous.
It's like saying "don't ever show anyone a pic of me" which is not an attitude anyone used to have when we would show people our photographs.
I find it very odd.

People can get hacked. If you tag family, they might have different settings e.g. friends of friends or have friends you don't know who can still see the photos. Just because you have just your family on there, doesn't mean other family members just have family.

Sorry op you never post anything on Facebook without asking the person if you can. Yabu. Hope you removed it. No harm done but lesson learnt. Did your relative have a good birthday

I don't do FB, but I would have thought that, as a general rule, you shouldn't post anything about anybody else, especially not a picture.

Not everyone wants their stuff on FB.

🤣🤣 and I still think it was warranted! People don’t need a lecture when it was a simple mistake.

There's a nice way to say that you'd prefer the post to be removed and a not so nice way. Sounds like the relative took the latter approach. It's not a violation of privacy since her face and birthday aren't secrets, hidden from public view! Given the OP had spent a lot of time doing nice things for this relative, she might have been a bit more appreciative and less critical!

Did she tell you why it upset her?

Maybe bc she is sensitive about her age?

Its one thing telling random strangers when it’s obviously a big family event, another to tell acquaintances and neighbours.

Some ppl are funny about that

So respond in the same way to all the posters that 'lectured' the OP
Or be gracious enough to accept that this is aibu; the op asked if she was being u, and responses will opinions as to whether or not they are

I agree. Had you posted the photo and tweaked the setting so only those who went could see it, that would have been better.

The problem with 'happy birthday' posts is that they reveal the person's date of birth, which is information that can be exploited by fraudsters.

I'm not on SM (other than MN before someone pops up with but Mumsnet is social media). I've occasionally featured in a group picture someone else has posted and I don't have an issue with that at all, but I wouldn't want photos/info specifically about me to be posted - not that it's likely to happen.

Of course the fact that she meant well should make it less hurtful! Hurt should only come from meanness of intention or carelessness for feelings. The OP clearly cares and considers her relatives feelings as she tried so hard to make her birthday a happy one.

As for it being minor, it's certainly not for people with adopted kids or etc, but just like it's possible to grade things like crimes in levels of seriousness it's also possible to grade the seriousness of possible damage from breaches of privacy. I'm not saying the grandma didn't have the right to ask for it to be taken down. I'm saying her unkind reaction was not justified from the level of seriousness of what OP did, in a sensible and realistic appraisal.

While it's still quite common for people to post birthday photos of people not on Facebook (I'm sure I've seen at least two this week, one if them being an 80th celebration actually!) I do think people have become a lot more wary in recent years. That's absolutely the kind of thing I would've done a few years ago, not really now. I always ask people if I can tag them/post photos, although I rarely post at all these days, beginning to think Facebook has had its day! A friend of mine still posts absolutely everything on Facebook including his mother with alzheimers who is not capable of objecting! He's the main reason I set my profile so I can review tags and chose whether to add to my profile as he's posted some awful ones of me in the past! While I don't really think you did anything wrong and a lot if people wouldn't care, hopefully you will ask in future.

This was obviously very hurtful to OPs relative. You are judging from the place of your values and your feelings and what you've decided is right. You have no idea what OPs relative feels, what her life has been like, why she is so upset. OP didn't need to post it on FB at all, she wasn't doing that for her relatives benefit, she was doing that for herself. She wasn't thinking about what was best for her relative. Her relatives reaction says that she is really upset and hurt by this. OPs actions were thoughtless, but that's ok because you and other PPs have decided this is a minor issue so all good.