to think my husband is blaming me for his erectile dysfunction?

[PeachSwan]

I don’t know what to think anymore, and I’m feeling completely torn. My husband has been having issues with maintaining an erection for the last few months. At first, I tried to be supportive and understanding, but lately, his attitude is really starting to upset me. Whenever it happens, he just laughs it off, but not in a self-deprecating way. Instead, he makes comments that feel like they’re aimed at me.

He’ll say things like, “Have you showered today?” or “Maybe you should see a doctor, you smell down there.” Or when we’re in bed, he’ll casually mention, “Your recent weight gain is really noticeable, those stomach rolls are visible now.” I’ve put on a little weight, but I didn’t think it was enough to be such a big deal.

Now I’m stuck wondering if he’s deflecting and trying to blame me for his problem, or if he’s genuinely lost attraction because of the weight gain and hygiene comments. I’ve never had issues with smell before, so this feels like a sudden, convenient excuse for him. AIBU to think he’s just passing the blame for his erectile dysfunction onto me, or is there something deeper going on that I’m not seeing?

He’ll say things like, “Have you showered today?” or “Maybe you should see a doctor, you smell down there.” Or when we’re in bed, he’ll casually mention, “Your recent weight gain is really noticeable, those stomach rolls are visible now.”

This is just appalling. If you have no kids, you could consider immediately getting rid of him. Could he be having an affair?

32 is very very young for ED. I’d be concerned about his BP, diabetes, high cholesterol.

That’s all fixable though. His attitude towards you is not. I don’t think I could forgive him for the way he is speaking to you OP.

I think I’d leave him and when people asked why (& they will, I promise), I’d say, super breezily, ‘oh he couldn’t get an erection and blamed it on me’

He didn't say it an aggressive tone he tried to laugh it off almost and console me by saying it's okay that he can work through MY ISSUES and it will all be alright in the end.
To be honest I feel like that's even worse.

He sounds awful. It will destroy your confidence.

We have 3 kids. He has cheated before.

Oh no, sorry to hear that.

id suggest he’s cheating again.

how can you bear to have sex with this grim bloke

Jesus Christ, why are you still with this useless excuse for a man?

Sorry. Its a bit more complicated I shouldn't have said he cheated in the way I did without context.

I don't know why you would ever want to have sex with such an unpleasant man who thinks it's acceptable to say things like that to you.
And you say he has cheated on you in the past? I agree with pp who suggest he is doing that again, otherwise surely he would go to the GP about HIS problem - it is HIS problem, nothing to do with you or your body.
I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone who had so little respect for me.

You've had three children and he is telling you you have stomach rolls. That's absolutely vile.

I last gave birth 7 years ago and was in really good shape untill recently I gained a little.

I don't believe he is cheating as he works from home all hours of the day nearly and when goes out I know the friends he goes out with.

Why are you defending his nasty words? It doesn't matter if it was 7 years ago when you gave birth... It's a horrible way to speak to someone you love.

Absolutely this 👏🏼

What a prince

What’s the context?

My partner is similar age and has ED. 3 separate GP's have been completely useless. ED is really affecting him. I still sometimes wonder if it is me. However one thing he never does is blame me for it. It got so much better when he figured out that penetrative sex is not a necessity every time and casual mention about not working tonight works a lot better than rolling over in embarrassment. And oddly enough once the pressure is off he can suddenly perform.

My point is that he is being an ass. His masculinity is damaged and he's taking it out on you. Since he is your husband I'd suggest having a conversation outside the bedroom. Tell him how hurtful his comments are and if he in fact believes that. Talk about solutions what he can do, what you can do. If he's going to be all hurt and deflect then it is time to consider the future of the relationship

Edit: oh he's a cheater. Nevermind. Did he cheat when you had kids?

My DH much older had this issue. Ignored it for a while due to Covid etc. When he eventually went to GP it turned out to be Grade 4 incurable prostate cancer. OP tell your DH this and scare the shit out of him to make him go to GP just in case. Unlikely I know due to his age but not completely impossible.

Instead of admitting he has a problem and wanting to work on it for both your sakes he has chosen to be nasty to you and make you the problem to avoid his obvious embarrassment.

That would be unforgiveable to me. The ED I would accept and want to support him with. His attitude is the behaviour of a bully. It would destroy the relationship for me.

If it happens again, I’d look at him very seriously and say “X, we need to make a doctor’s appointment for you urgently. Something must be wrong for you to be having these problems at your age, it’s happened xx times now.”

Flatly refuse to allow him to blame you, it’s his problem and he needs to face it. ( And if it’s porn-related, he can sort that out himself).

He's deflecting his dick problem by taking out his embarassment on you with snarky comments. He needs to speak to his GP and seek help rather than being a bigger dick than his dick IYKWIM

He sounds pathetic. Tell him no sex will be attempted until he’s seen a gp, as the attitude he’s taking is liable to put you off for life.

He needs a GP.

You need a divorce lawyer.

Damn straight. He’s cruel OP. Why are you defending him?

So sorry about your DH @Escaperoom

Great advice though, I’d be putting the onus well and truly back on him and if you can scare the shit out of him at the same time, so much the better. He sounds vile and my first thought was cheating tbh so I wouldn’t put too much effort into working out why a nasty cheating fuck would behave in a nasty disrespectful way, seems to be par for the course.