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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people should keep their opinions to themselves sometimes?

53 replies

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 19:56

A girl at my work said to me

'If I found out I was pregnant I would have the test, and if there was anything wrong with it I would abort it'

What the fuck am I meant to say to that? I just said 'oh, right' and walked off.

Then, I came back and proceeded to chat to another girl who was working about our sisters, who both have SN (the girl who made the comment did not know that, BTW)

Seriously, are all 'opinion' valid, surely people wouldn't make comments like that to folk they hardly know, and whose circumstances they don't know?

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 23/04/2008 19:57

sounds like she wasn't thinking at all

people make flippant/mis-judged comments all the time IME

EffiePerine · 23/04/2008 19:58

Some people are just stupid, not much you can do about it unfortunately

pagwatch · 23/04/2008 19:59

yes, people are thoughtless and stupid.
Sad but true

pagwatch · 23/04/2008 20:00

At least you didn't say
" lucky for you your mum didn't share those views"

Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:02

Well, we were in a conversation about pregnancy, specifically I was telling them all the details of my pregnancy and birth. She said a few other things as well, one of which was 'there is not point being born if there is something wrong with you, I would abort it and have a normal baby'.

She has only been working with us for a couple of weeks, hence her not knowing that both our sisters have SN.

AIBU to consider pulling her in for a meeting about it?

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 23/04/2008 20:03

on what grounds could you pull her in for a meeting?

is she very young/childless

she sounds INCREDIBLY tactless

Greyriverside · 23/04/2008 20:03

Well I'd prefer not to say that to someone who was waiting for test results for example, but if you keep quiet in case your opinion bothers someone you will never speak.

Nagapie · 23/04/2008 20:07

How old is she? I am sure she will be mortified when she discovers the truth...

Just have a private word with her and set her straight - and I hope she will do the decent thing and at least apologise...

Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:07

On the grounds that it is an offensive thing to say?

If you all think I am being over-sensitive about it please say, I did wonder if I took it worse as the situation was the 3 of us at work together, 2 of whom have sisters with SN and the girl said that.

I say immaturity as she is 19 and yes, childless.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:09

Oh, well she knows now that we both have SN sisters as we began a very long conversation about them both. She didn't say anything, no apologies or anything like that.

OP posts:
Greyriverside · 23/04/2008 20:10

It was tactless, but if there was a discussion about pregnancy and she was just voicing her opinion then not intended as offensive. It depends a bit on what you had just told her.

flowerybeanbag · 23/04/2008 20:11

I wouldn't call it an offensive thing to say, it's a bit thoughtless and immature, and something only a childless person could say.

If you feel you need to say something to her, do it in a 'private word' kind of way as nagapie says, she'll probably be mortified and will apologise.

SmugColditz · 23/04/2008 20:12

The very young and immature sometimes find it hard to equate a baby to a real person.

So then suggesting aborting a baby who may have a disability is, to the, like not choosing a kitten which isn't as strong as the others.

Whereas to us, as mature women and as mothers, that's our child the silly bitch could be talking about.

RubySlippers · 23/04/2008 20:13

i think flowery has the right idea to start with

flowerybeanbag · 23/04/2008 20:14

DSM if she's that immature and thoughtless she wouldn't necessarily make the leap from knowing that you have SN sisters to realising that her comment about her own plans to abort if there was a problem might therefore have been upsetting. If you want her to know you were upset by it, or to guide her that comments like this might potentially upset people, then say so.

WigWamBam · 23/04/2008 20:14

Most 19 year olds know nothing, but have opinions on everything. They often don't have much in the way of tact either.

I think you would be on shaky ground pulling her in for a meeting; her only sin is being a gobby teenager who doesn't think before she speaks. I do think, though, that you should have said something to her at the time. It might not change her opinion, but it might have been fair to give her the chance to shut up and keep those opinions to herself.

She'll grow up. Maybe if you talk to her about your children, she'll grow up a little sooner and with a little more sensitivity.

Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:14

Thats what I am asking. Should I have a word? I think maybe it would be a good idea, just not sure how much to say she was 'wrong', I appreciate she is entitled to her opinion, but I really don't see why anyone would say this to people they don't know.

Basically, I was telling them my pregnancy and childbirth stories, they were asking
questions and the girl asked 'did you have that test to find out if there was anything wrong with it', I replied no, and she said the statement in the OP - 'If I found out I was pregnant I would have the test, and if there was anything wrong with it I would abort it'.

I just don't know if I am being overly offended, and should let her be free to voice her opinions, or if I should take her aside for a chat.

OP posts:
BugBearisBugBear · 23/04/2008 20:15

She's just immature, ignorant and childless. She's probably not a nasty person, just someone who's never encountered SN in her very limited life experience.

If she was to make another offensive remark now that she knows your sister has SN, then you have a reason to rebuke her.

YANBU to feel as you do at the moment, I feel cross just reading what she's said (DD2 has SN), but I think you should cut her some slack this one time.

Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:16

probably should have said something at the time, yes, but was very shocked TBH.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/04/2008 20:16

I'd have told her, 'Let's hope you never get pregnant then.'

yurt1 · 23/04/2008 20:18

Sounds like the neighbour of ours who told us about her daughter's termination (for DS) in front of ds1 (severely disabled) and gave all the reasons why she couldn't possibly have a disabled child.

a) I don't want to know b) I barely know her daughter c) it's none of my business and d) please not in front of ds1. He's can't talk but he's not bloody stupid.

I don't think you can pull her up into a meeting but I think you could ask her to keep her opinions to herself.

Original poster
DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:19

Okay, not an official meeting then, but maybe a chat about appropriateness?

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 23/04/2008 20:20

yes - a chat is good

nervousal · 23/04/2008 20:22

I agree it probably came across as pointless - but it is just an opinion, and we're all entitled to those - no matter how badly informed they are. I would have pressed her on it asked her what she meant, asked her did she think diabled people can't have meaningful lives etc and maybe given here something to think about - rather than just being offended

flowerybeanbag · 23/04/2008 20:24

chat would be a good idea, as much as anything else for her own benefit to help her develop her sense of boundaries of appropriate behaviour/conversation at work.