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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people should keep their opinions to themselves sometimes?

53 replies

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 19:56

A girl at my work said to me

'If I found out I was pregnant I would have the test, and if there was anything wrong with it I would abort it'

What the fuck am I meant to say to that? I just said 'oh, right' and walked off.

Then, I came back and proceeded to chat to another girl who was working about our sisters, who both have SN (the girl who made the comment did not know that, BTW)

Seriously, are all 'opinion' valid, surely people wouldn't make comments like that to folk they hardly know, and whose circumstances they don't know?

OP posts:

tiredlady · 23/04/2008 20:26

I can certainly see why her statement would have offended you. But just as she knew nothing about your circumstances, do you know anything about hers? She may well have based her opinion on having a SN relative ( my nephew has SN and much as my brother and SIL love him, they had pre natal testing for their next pregnancy) - it's unlikely I know, but I don't think she should call her in for that.

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:26

Nervousal - in hindsight so would I! However at the time I was really, really shocked.

The thing I kept thinking was that she has no idea if my DS, whom we were talking about, had SN or not.

I know people are entitled to their own opinion, and aborting babies with SN does happen, however, I don't see it as an opinion that should be shared with people you don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:28

tiredlady - I think if that were the case she would have said so, that would follow logical conversation.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 23/04/2008 20:29

I have a child with profound SN. I think tbh my reaction would have just been that she was young and foolish. But you might want a big sister type chat and give her a little insight into how her comments may upset others. it may give her some food for thought and she may even be grateful.

God i cringe at some of the things I thought I knew all about when i was 19....
My Ds got into a big fight at school recently when one of the boys called another a "downie" ( god can you believe it ).
He and several others pounced verbally on this child and talked about the children they knew with Downs Syndrome ( not his brothers SN by the way). They ended up having a big class discussion about it so the outcome was ultimately good.
Could be a 'learning oppertunity' for her

yurt1 · 23/04/2008 20:30

I agree DSM- it's not an issue that is just burted out so insensitively and I don't think anyone with experience of SN would express it like that. A Radio 1 DJ- can't remember which one - has a sister with learning disabilities and she has said that she would terminate - think she had an amnio can't remember- but she didn't say it in such an ignorant way.

People say it in that way because they think its OK too. Just like my neighbour who thought it was OK to say it in front of ds1. It's not.

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:32

Okay. So I will take her aside for a chat on Saturday.

I will just tell her that she should be careful not to make comments that might upset others, as everyone has to work together and to maybe try and keep things more professional whilst at work?

Although it was me who was doing the majority of the chatting, they were just asking questions really, so I just spoke for about an hour.. I feel a little hypocritical telling her to 'keep it professional'..

OP posts:

Twiglett · 23/04/2008 20:34

I knew everything at 19 and had no qualms in letting people know how much I knew about everything

it is surprising how much I have forgotten in the last umpty-dumpty years to be honest, I am now quite stupid really

she's just young and crass ... have a 'gentle' word about sensitivity

Blu · 23/04/2008 20:37

Don't pull her in for a meeting, or 'have a word', just say - "well it's interesting that you should say that because my sister has...., and she's just as much part of the family as the rest of us and we love her like we love everyone else. I'm quite proud of her, actually.".

Then if she carries on you can tell her that people may find it insensitive, and you don't want to hear it.

Blu · 23/04/2008 20:39

Yes, but you can't pull her in for this and tell her to be 'more profesional' when you were apparantly telling her all about your pg and birth!

WigWamBam · 23/04/2008 20:40

It's not a case of being more professional though, is it? She voiced an opinion that she had no idea would offend you - tact is what she's missing.

I think you have to be open and direct with her and tell her outright that you are offended and explain why, rather than chat generally about not upsetting others. Don't make a formal meeting about it - talk to her next time you see her at her desk.

yurt1 · 23/04/2008 20:42

I agree not to tell her to keep it professional. Just perhaps a gentle reminder that we don't know everyone's backgrounds and some subjects are best treated sensitively and then tell her you found it offensive. Telling her your sister has SN will presumably make her want the ground to open up and she'll have learned something from it,

I am a total wuss in RL though and wouldn't be able to do that.

I remember meeting someone one when ds3 was small (she was a first time mum- also with a small baby) and the conversation turned to SN and she was about to say something and I literally leapt in with 'ds1 is ..." and it was awful. Much sympathy.

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 20:52

She knows now that my sister has SN. I started a conversation about it. She didn't say anything.

I know it wasn't unprofessional, but I am thinking I might ask her to keep chat professional from now on.

The thing is, I can't really do it in passing, I will have to literally take her away to have a chat with her. So, whether it is formal or informal, it will seem formal enough, IYKWIM, as I would need to actually say 'come with me' and take her aside.

Maybe I should just leave it.

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 23/04/2008 21:10

I think, on this occasion, the opportunity to do it in a way that does not risk blowing it out of proportion has, perhaps, gone for now.

It is just an opinion, to which she is entitled, no matter how upsetting you find it (I would be shocked and I have no SN family members) so it was not unprofessional (assuming no customers/clients/members of the public/etc were present) however tactless.

If she makes a habit of making similar insensitive pronouncements, or if the subject of ante-natal testing arises again, you will be more prepared to point out to her the effect her words might have on someone else.

Life experience will surely teach her about how other people live and hopefully she will learn some tact and sensitivity.

Elasticwoman · 23/04/2008 21:18

DirtySexy - I agree that you should tell her you want to keep all talk strictly professional from now on. If she asks why, you could tell her you were distressed and angry by her outspoken opinion which you felt implied that your sister had no right to be alive. If she doesn't ask, don't tell her, but she might ask other colleagues and find out how offensive she has been from them.

This way you are letting her know the effect her opinion has had on you - you are not telling her what opinions to have. Even if she doesn't want to know why you don't ever want to chat with her, you will be protecting yourself from future assaults by her ill-thought out opinions. As if a negative result from testing for Down's Syndrome guarantees a healthy baby!

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 21:25

Agree it may have gone too far this time. However, the other girl who was working (whose sister also has SN) has asked me to say something. She thinks it was really inappropriate as well, and was actually quite upset by it. At one point, about 2 hours later, Young Girl went off to the toilet and the other girl told me she was shocked, and that she didn't want to talk to her again.

Now, this other girl is very popular at work, and I fear that this girl may become vindicated as others find out.

I have already told the other girl not to mention it to others, but she had already told a few people and word will spread. Which is also why I feel maybe I should say something to Young Girl.

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pointydog · 23/04/2008 21:31

I agree with Mrs Highwater. You were all chatting at work and she expressed her opinion, without knowing who she might be offending. I don't agree with trying to make all work chat 'professional'.

People express opinions which others strongly disagree with all the time. Personally, I don't think it would be appropriate to take her aside and 'have a talk'.

I think you should have said at the time, 'I find that sort of opinion offensive/hurtful as people very close to me have SN and I love them very much' or something. You should resolve to do that in future as it is most definitely worth letting other people hear your opinion which is based on real experiences and real people, rather than on ignorance.

pointydog · 23/04/2008 21:34

You might change people's minds by quietly expressing your opinion and talking about your own hurt, love, life etc.

You are unlikely to by appearing to single someone out, lecture them and possibly ostracise them.

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 21:34

Totally agree pointy- but like I said before hindsight is a wonderful thing. Was very at the time, and didn't know what to say.

If its not appropriate to take her aside and have a talk, I will just have to leave it. She might well approach me about it if she hears it back from the gossipers, which, no doubt, she will.

OP posts:

pointydog · 23/04/2008 21:36

oh I know. It's hard to come out with a calm response at the time. If you practise one, you could really help change attitudes

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 21:38

To be honest I am not sure I would want to change her attitude though. If thats the way she feels, I respect that. I just don't think it is an appropriate thing to say in a new workplace.

I am now concerned that she is going to be excluded by the other staff and not fit in, and therefore be miserable at work.

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 23/04/2008 21:47

If you are careful not to exclude her, there is surely less chance that this will happen.

mshadowsisfab · 23/04/2008 21:49

AIBU to consider pulling her in for a meeting about it?
no your not. what a stupid comment she made.

Original poster

DirtySexyMummy · 23/04/2008 21:51

Obviously I wouldn't, but I can't really do much if the other staff exclude her. I mean, they might not, but I cannot literally speak to every one of them about her, that would be making a massive deal out of something so small, and definitely would heighten the situation to an unnecessary level.

My concern is that I am very well-liked, and the other girl who was there is as well, and I can see people not talking to her just because she 'upset' us.

I don't socialise with them, so I can't really try to 'keep her included', IYKWIM.

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yurt1 · 23/04/2008 22:01

It's not your responsibility to ensure she's included.

If she's going to say such offensive things then she need to learn that she will fuck some people off. Would be enough for me to go right off her expressed in that way.

mshadowsisfab · 23/04/2008 22:05

what yurt said

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