So unbelievably lonely, it hurts

[LonelyLone]

I've always been very introverted and shy, so I have never really put any effort or emphasis into making friends. I'm single too. My only source of socialising was colleagues at work. I wasn't even that close with any of them specifically, but it was just friendly faces to speak to.

I got made redundant and I feel like the ground has fallen beneath me, for lots of reasons. But the one I wasn't expecting was how painfully lonely I feel. I feel this huge empty gnawing feeling in my chest. I keep distracting myself with watching TV in between applying for jobs and I get such intense feelings of envy and jealousy when I see the characters' friendships and relationships and community.

I feel like I've really failed to create a life for myself. I still live in my hometown, there's no excuses for why I've got no one in my life. I only have myself to blame - years of isolation and choosing to stay home rather than go out and make a life for myself. It is so raw and painful though.

I’m sorry. It’s horrible when you realise something like that. But it’s not too late.

Anything locally you might fancy trying? Choir, martial arts, life drawing etc?

Can't help practically, but wanted to reply to give support. Looks like a looking for a new job will be the priority, and then focus on building relationships.

I really sympathise with you. I've recently moved to a town where I don't know anyone. The few friends I have left in the old place I lived seemed to have moved on and no longer phone for a catch-up so I'm feeling a bit empty at the moment. There's only so much I can phone without feeling I'm making a nuisance of myself.

Just remember though this is temporary. You will get another job and hopefully it'll be a large enough place that you have regular work events you can go to. I'm not doing it myself at the moment but try and build up a small social life. These people don't need to be your best friends but I've realised in recent months that we all need contact of some kind - have a chat with people in local shops, join something that won't be too taxing for you like a walking group (even if you just meet once a month). We all need these interactions. Good luck. I'm sure things will improve.

One last thing, are there any people from your old workplace that you'd like to keep in touch with. If so, maybe suggest a coffee once in a while. You can perhaps say you're just passing. Friendship take a while to establish. You can't rush them.

Loneliness is an awful feeling and I’m sorry. It’s never too late though. Seek people out, make connections, small ones can grow. Even people with friends and connections can feel lonely, so you are not on your own feeling this way. Be brave and it will pay off eventually.

I agree Strawberries - make connections and small ones can grow. We need people to talk to, even if it just about the weather. Volunteering perhaps in a library for a couple of hours is another way to stay connected. Have a few things where you can meet people for a few hours once a week or once a month and build it from there.

Try and stay in touch with one or two people from each workplace you go so you build up a small network of friends. I always remember my cousin being in the same boat and saying it wasn't about have really close best friends but just someone to go to the cinema with once in a while.

I didn't want to call you LonelyLone as it is such a sad name. I'm sending you my best wishes. Things will get better.

Absolutely not too late. New job, new possibilities. A new hobby wouldn't go amiss either.
And honestly, there's some truth in the saying 'fake it til you make it.' Only you can make the changes. I wish to God it did fall into our laps, but sadly not
It doesn't always need to be this way. Please remember that.
Very best of luck with everything x

How old are you OP? I personally think that being best friends with work colleagues is never a good idea. I like my work colleagues we get along well, have a laugh at work ect. But I would never socialise with them outside work.

I think you should join a club or something. A sports club. People tend to be friendly there. It can take awhile though. I’m in a sports club and have been for 5 years and have a number of good friends there. It does take awhile and you need to attend regularly.

Perhaps go on to meet up and join a walking group or something?

What do you like doing op? Any old interests or current interests.

It’s never too late, OP. You could join a group or a meet up and slowly start to build up a social life over time.

Hi. That sounds really difficult and a horrible way to feel. I've felt like that too. Things will get better. You have the freedom to do whatever you want and create a great life for yourself. Are there groups you can join? Walking groups, gym etc. you'll meet new people. Maybe look online for advice about how to be more confident to combat the shyness. I'm sure you've lots to offer in friendship. While your looking for a new role why don't you try something you'd really enjoy, something new etc. take good care of yourself. I wish you luck and every happiness .

Friendships are not fixed. They come and go.

So it's never too late to start making friends.

Just find a group you might enjoy and go along. Art? Sports? Choir? Orchestra? Help with reading at a primary school? Learn a language? Crochet group?

How about doing some Volunteer work at an Animal Rescue/Cancer/etc. Shop.
You could fit that into regular work too on a Saturday. For me it was a great way to meet people and make friends.

Thanks everyone. I really can't think of any hobbies I'd like to do - I'm terrible at sports, and don't really have any hobbies. I would also feel so anxious to walk into something on my own... I will look into volunteering. I feel like I have so much love to give. I love helping others and I think that's what I'm struggling with at the moment - not having any outlet for that.

I'm nearly 30 and I feel like I have really, really let myself down. I should never have let myself slip into this kind of life. It's so easily done. Over the years I have felt like this a lot, but felt hopeless enough to just accept it and give into it. Now I'm older and I've seen how quickly the years slip by I know I want more for myself, I don't want to live like this. But that makes it even more painful, because I don't know how to change. Burying my head under the sand is so much easier. I know I've been an adult for over 10 years now, but adulthood still feels so hard, empty and unforgiving.

I keep thinking of the quote 'Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing'.

Church? You might not be religious but it's a place lots of volunteering is attached to and somewhere it is quite acceptable to turn up alone.

Ours runs a community cafe, toddler group and various other things.

It offers the sort of colleague level contact you are missing, with the potential but not requirement for more.

It's an easy thing to do even if you have to try a couple of different ones.

Try one new thing OP, you might surprise yourself!

Have a look here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5187521-a-thread-for-those-of-us-who-just-want-to-tell-each-other-things-about-our-day

And come and join us here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5187521-a-thread-for-those-of-us-who-just-want-to-tell-each-other-things-about-our-day

Sorry first one should have been
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5186003-can-anyone-chat-to-me-desperately-lonely?reply=139016077

Lonely, you're not even 30! I'm almost 60. I'd give anything to be your age. You've barely started out in life - there's so much possibility and time there. You're in a great position. Honestly, build up your confidence by trying different things. There are so many opportunities out there. Keep trying things to see if you like them and if not move on. Maybe aim to have 2 small hobbies so you're out one or two nights a week or half a day at the weekend. It'll help with the loneliness.

Any family close by you see? Perhaps a cousin you can build up a friendship with as an adult to go places - no idea what you like but art galleries, museums, theatre, whatever. You just need to keep busy and it'll all fall into place.

You have time to find a relationship too. Personally I'd build up my social life first so you can find out what you like and then find someone that likes the same thing. You might even meet someone doing a hobby.

Lastly, anyone old school friends to get back in touch with? You don't need to live in people's pockets, just know people to suggest a walk or a day out or a meal/drink out.

You have not let yourself down. You just haven't got into the swing of things yet. You've so much time, honestly.

At only 30, you have lots of time to sort this out, so that's good.
But it's absolutely no good to say you would 'feel so anxious' to go to something on your own as if this is a reason not to do it.
Your feelings don't have any relevance to what you decide to do. Pick something and do it on your own! Just do it. You have to build up your resilience. Keep doing something, anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone. In a year from now you will be different person!

Really sorry you're feeling this way, big hugs to you xx

Could you consider a pet?

I'm not sure if my cat solved my loneliness or just made me too busy chasing after the carnage to remember I was lonely but either way his company worked.

Can you afford to go away somewhere for a few months whilst waiting for the next job?

Volunteering abroad is a good option as you are thrown together with others with the same aims. If you can't face such a big leap there are similar things in the UK. How physically fit are you? There are WWoofers - https://wwoof.org.uk/ - who are volunteers on smallholdings and stay free for a few weeks in return for mucking in with the work needed. The National Trust is always wanting volunteers: https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/support-us/volunteer/volunteer-with-us. There are volunteer agencies: https://www.doit.life/volunteer

So much stuff out there. It sounds as though you have got into a rut and are in danger of becoming depressed. People out there need you!