So unbelievably lonely, it hurts

[LonelyLone]

I've always been very introverted and shy, so I have never really put any effort or emphasis into making friends. I'm single too. My only source of socialising was colleagues at work. I wasn't even that close with any of them specifically, but it was just friendly faces to speak to.

I got made redundant and I feel like the ground has fallen beneath me, for lots of reasons. But the one I wasn't expecting was how painfully lonely I feel. I feel this huge empty gnawing feeling in my chest. I keep distracting myself with watching TV in between applying for jobs and I get such intense feelings of envy and jealousy when I see the characters' friendships and relationships and community.

I feel like I've really failed to create a life for myself. I still live in my hometown, there's no excuses for why I've got no one in my life. I only have myself to blame - years of isolation and choosing to stay home rather than go out and make a life for myself. It is so raw and painful though.

You don't need to be that hard on yourself or that dramatic. You haven't done anything negative or irreversible. You've just stalled a bit. Everyone does at some point in life.

You've identified that you are lonely and that you haven't done anything to change this. Try making small changes that focus on your wellbeing rather than specifically on making friends. Make sure you sign up for at least one fitness class a week - not to make friends but to get fit - you don't have to talk to anyone during class, but if you go regularly, you'll have created some acquaintances and that is a start.

I think your idea of volunteering is brilliant. DS made some gorgeous friends that way when he was lonely in his uni town, during Covid. Sign up to help at a food bank or soup kitchen, or a pet rescue place, as you say you love helping people.

If you are religious, start going to church - there are so many opportunities to help people in a busy church. If you are not religious, you could try meditation classes or a political or social campaign group instead.

Even if you do those three things, that's three social fixtures each week. Let yourself get comfortable with them, familiar with the people you meet there, and use that to build your confidence to try some new hobbies and make some deeper friendships.

The thing about loneliness is, it can't go away unless you change your actions and habits. DS went from painfully lonely to having several friendship groups and a girlfriend, but he had to really push himself out of his comfort zone and overcome social anxiety to do this.

You have to try a little bit with people, you admitted yourself you haven't really tried. I'm shy too but I've always put the effort in, and you will find some people will reciprocate. It's a two way street with friendships.

Well, you say burying your head in the sand was easier, but it hasn’t been easier in the sense of making you happier. See this as a wake up call, and feel lucky it’s happened so young. Nothing at all wrong with befriending your colleagues, but don’t put all your friendship eggs in one basket, ever. It sounds to me as if therapy would sort out your dramatic feelings of failure, and your difficulty in making friends.

Sorry you are feeling lonely.
I agree with others that joining a club or hobby of some description would be a good start. There are often activities for your local area listed online and some may be aimed at people on their own. What about a walking group? That’s a good place for a chat.

Volunteering is another good plan. Our local council lists all the charities in the area and often run volunteer events where you can turn up and see what’s there and what they are looking for and maybe have a chat with some of them that appeal to you.

Hope that helps.

Volunteer! I know people say it all the time here OP but I finally joined a group when I moved to a new city and it has been a wonderful way to meet people and to feel part of a community. I work from home and it’s great to see some people in person and have a bit of chat and a cup of tea. Good luck to you - it’s far more common to be lonely than it maybe feels.

I'm so sorry you feel this way but using this quote is being way too hard on yourself. You must stop thinking you've done something terribly wrong - you haven't and you're only 30!

I always remember a quote from Will Smith years ago, when he recounted helping his father build a house one summer as a teenager. His dad was teaching him to lay bricks with concrete and said that life and finding success was just like that, little by little and brick by brick.

It sounds corny now but at the time it really resonated. I think just start taking little steps in the right direction and slowly turn your life more in the direction you want it to go in.

You're so young - please don't worry and good luck!

@LonelyLone

Would exploring a Reservist role appeal to you, OP?

You could book to attend an informal presentation evening and find out more.

https://www.royalnavy.mod.uk/careers/roles/reserve-general-entry-rating?/careers/roles/reserve-general-entry-rating

https://www.royalnavy.mod.uk/careers/roles/reserve-general-entry-officer

Try to think in terms of small steps: go for a walk and aim to smile and say hello to someone; go shopping and make small talk with the cashier. All of those things will help to make it easier to find a place to volunteer, or a club to join and talk to people there and make some friends. You can do it!

Also, friendships can start online. Try joining some local FB groups, then see what events are advertised. You can always leave a comment, ‘Thinking about going to this. Is anyone else going to be there because I’m a bit nervous about going on my own?’ See if anyone picks up on it and, voila, you aren’t alone!

Come on. A negative attitude won't help.

youvare an introvert so you naturally may isolate.but enjoy the presence of those you select or have to interact with in work.you will find a new job..in the mean time be kind to yourself and don’t think for a second you are in anyway wrong.you are you….and it’s best to be your true self..maybe consider a pet for company..a pet can bring so much joy and a dog in particular can be a very social addition to your life..

Can you start small? Take your laptop to a coffee shop or library to be around others. If you don't speak to anyone, maybe just the sound of others around you might help.

Oh, sorry you are feeling so sad… I empathise, I also don’t find making new friends and connections easy. Volunteering sounds a good call because it will bring you into contact with people you share something really meaningful with.
You are actually young, you know, and it is in no way too late to gently shift some habits. I think you should try being kind to yourself. I’m sure Covid did a lot of people’s social lives no favours. I’m sure there are plenty of new connections waiting to be made. Good luck! X

Girlguiding desperately need volunteers. They also have social activities for leaders too.

Another one saying volunteering. I'm quite shy, but when we moved to a new village I was determined to get to know the community in some small way. They have a community shop, not for profit. I started doing a few hours a week and then when my job changed and I couldn't do the hours I joined the committee instead. I also offered to help out at church open days (not religious at all) and take part in any events going on. Perhaps easier in a village than a town (partly why I prefer it here) but there are looaads of local charities or community groups that will be crying out for an hour here or there. They don't have to become your best friends, but like you say it's someone to chat to and share the day with. And it will give you a sense of confidence. A charity shop if nothing else could be an option whilst you're looking for a new job.

Loneliness is horrible. Not your fault OP. Not all of us are blessed with easy relationships or the ability to make them without a lot of effort. Start small. Can you join a class to just be around people? I find the presence of others majes quite a difference even without interaction

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this and I was going to suggest volunteering as a previous poster has
Not only will it get you meeting people but it also looks good on your cv while your applying for another job shows you have been proactive during your time out of work
Whatever you decide I really hope things work out for you and don’t be too hard on yourself.💐

Don't forget OP that you do have one truly faithful friend who is always there for you and that is yourself. Remember to treat her kindly and thank her for getting you this far! Be gentle and encouraging as you would with anyone else. Even feeling bad and lonely is temporary and you will not always feel this way ; it is okay.

PP have given lots of ideas of how you can change your life for the better. Don't lose hope, take tiny steps.

OP you have so much time ahead of you build new friendships, I've made a couple of friends in my 30's! Granted everyone is busy with their own lives, one has a gorgeous baby now and is up to her eyeballs, but we try to meet up once a month and it's something to look forward to. I was in a similar position this year, made redundant and found it surprisingly tough, as I live alone still and spent 5 days a week with my colleagues. They were sometimes the only people I interacted with from one day to the next. Some people see their colleagues as much as their own family so it's completely normal to find it jarring!

You've gotten great advice so far. What's helped me enormous is adopting a cat. I so look forward to coming home to him everyday and it's someone I can chat away to in the house. Hard to feel lonely when they're either tucked up in bed with you or causing chaos. Brings a lot of life to the place!

Change is really hard, I think the feeling of loneliness is heightened because you're feeling so vulnerable right now losing your job your familiar with and I can relate. But could be a great opportunity to meet new people, stay busy and decide what you want from life.

Personally I am so flat to the mat in work I've a whole new appreciation for my time alone with a book :D

OP you have so much time ahead of you build new friendships, I've made a couple of friends in my 30's! Granted everyone is busy with their own lives, one has a gorgeous baby now and is up to her eyeballs, but we try to meet up once a month and it's something to look forward to. I was in a similar position this year, made redundant and found it surprisingly tough, as I live alone still and spent 5 days a week with my colleagues. They were sometimes the only people I interacted with from one day to the next. Some people see their colleagues as much as their own family so it's completely normal to find it jarring!

You've gotten great advice so far. What's helped me enormous is adopting a cat. I so look forward to coming home to him everyday and it's someone I can chat away to in the house. Hard to feel lonely when they're either tucked up in bed with you or causing chaos. Brings a lot of life to the place!

Change is really hard, I think the feeling of loneliness is heightened because you're feeling so vulnerable right now losing your job your familiar with and I can relate. But could be a great opportunity to meet new people, stay busy and decide what you want from life.

Personally I am so flat to the mat in work I've a whole new appreciation for my time alone with a book :D

It sounds like you would be happy volunteering op. The other thing to do is get out of the house every day and exchange some words with someone. Comment on the weather at a bus stop, exchange pleasantries with a shop assistant, go to the library and ask if they can order a book you'd like to read. Really low level social interactions can lift your mood and won't be too terrifying to start with.

Any chance you could get a job in your local pub or cafe? It's a great way to meet people.

You are still young and whilst you look for another job you have time to think about starting a hobby. Where I live there is a singles group that does a big meet up once a fortnight and does things like bowling, cinema or a meal out. Then each week there is a smaller meet up for whichever ones want to attend. They meet for coffee and cake or a drink in a pub or a pub meal. You need to Google singles clubs in your area. I had never heard of the one in my area until a friend of one of my son's mentioned it. People go from 18-60. You wouldn't have to attend all events and they are always looking for help with organising events. There are also knit and natter groups, walking/rambling groups and some people take dogs on the walks. Join a choir, learn to crochet or knit then join a group. It doesn't matter if you are not very good. Volunteer to walk someone's dog, get on to borrow my doggie. You never feel alone with a dog. Text your colleagues from your former job once a week and suggest meeting up for a coffee. Libraries are always wanting volunteers as are charity shops. My son volunteered at something called Silver Surfers which introduced basic computer skills to pensioners. He showed them how to send an email, attach photos, how to do internet banking and other simple stuff. He said some of the pensioners used to bake cakes and cookies for the volunteers. He said he got to know them by helping them keep in contact with their families. They told him about their hobbies, likes and dislikes and my DS quite enjoyed it. I know he liked the cakes. There's lots you can find going on in your area if you do a bit of research. It will be panto season soon. They often want people to help with costumes, make up or help with selling refreshments if you don't fancy acting. Try to challenge yourself to talking to 3 strangers everyday.

Have you heard of parkrun?

I promise you don't have to be fit, walkers are encouraged and it's one of the most genuinely inclusive activities around.

It is so diverse and while there may be a lot of people taking part it is entiry up to you how much you want to interact.

You can be as social as you want and there is so much support given.

Volunteering at parkrun is also a fantastic way to interact with others.

Best of all its free to take part, every Saturday and held in hundreds of beautiful locations

There will be lots of things you could get involved in locally OP, but you're going to have to be a bit brave and step out of your comfort zone. Just a few examples: bell ringing, rambling/walking, litter picking, knit and natter, WI, gym, swimming, amateur dramatics, choir/singing groups, volunteering with local charities, events at local bookshops (readings, some have book groups), there may be a running club with a Couch to 5k programme and running is a really social thing to do and no fitness/athletic ability is needed to do C25K.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling like this.

But the great thing is, it is NEVER too late to make a change and improve things for yourself.

my number one piece of advice would be to get yourself out every day for a walk. Do you have any nice parks locally? Or a nice coffee shop you could talk a walk to? It will do wonders for your mental health and just having a brief chat with someone who’s taking your coffee order or stoping to stroke someone’s dog in the park and ask their name etc will boost your confidence.

I have no hobbies or enjoy any sports myself so I know how you feel but check out your local facebooks groups to see if there any any just “meet up groups” the type that meet for walks or just in local halls for coffee and cake.

Do things to treat yourself and be kind rather than punishing yourself.

Do you enjoy reading? Maybe take a trip to your local library and get yourself a few good reads to distract yourself and de stress.

Are you comfortable/interested in animals? I know that my local animal charities are always screaming out for help so looking around at those is worth a shot.