So unbelievably lonely, it hurts

[LonelyLone]

I've always been very introverted and shy, so I have never really put any effort or emphasis into making friends. I'm single too. My only source of socialising was colleagues at work. I wasn't even that close with any of them specifically, but it was just friendly faces to speak to.

I got made redundant and I feel like the ground has fallen beneath me, for lots of reasons. But the one I wasn't expecting was how painfully lonely I feel. I feel this huge empty gnawing feeling in my chest. I keep distracting myself with watching TV in between applying for jobs and I get such intense feelings of envy and jealousy when I see the characters' friendships and relationships and community.

I feel like I've really failed to create a life for myself. I still live in my hometown, there's no excuses for why I've got no one in my life. I only have myself to blame - years of isolation and choosing to stay home rather than go out and make a life for myself. It is so raw and painful though.

Are you comfortable sharing roughly what area of the country you are in? Maybe local Mumsnetters can suggest some places/groups they know are friendly and welcoming?

I just joined a choir about 3 months ago. I became disabled a couple of years ago, and had to give up most of the sports/activities I loved. I was looking for something else to do, and was googling. I was super nervous going for the first time, but they have people nominated in each section of the choir, who are 'welcomers', and they took me under their wing. I now have three new 'choir friends', who I sit with every week. I'm so glad I've done this, and really enjoy the singing and music - alongside the company!

Hi op volunteering might help as gets you out. My friend in a choir loves it. I havent a huge circle but found I had to make effort too. One walking lady is a good friend now. Im 50s its not easy

What about joint a choir be it a rock choir or a more traditional one? It doesn’t matter if you can’t sing but choirs can be real fun plus they offer the opportunity to socialise more. I know it’s hard walking into a new situation, but with every new situation you experience the next one will be so much easier. Gather all your courage and just do it.

I moved to a new area, where I only knew 1 or 2 people

I joined one group & from that, I met more people who invited me to join other groups & events.

Now it is myself suggesting to people to join various groups.

My friend once said to me
"Do something/join a group once, if you don't like it, move on & try something else"

As hard as it may be, you need to get out of your comfort zone.

Join some local groups

Volunteer

Do some evening or weekend courses or classes

Work a second or third job in different industries

Plan & book some things to do or visit for Halloween, Christmas

Could you try a group holiday, maybe one for women? Or a retreat? You can do them around all kinds of things, food, writing, meditation, cross-country ski-ing, horse-riding are a few I've seen... Getting into a different setting could give you a way to approach making friends differently. It could be liberating.

What about volunteering for something like this? https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

You're nearly 30? You're so young, OP 🙏 You're in your "Saturn's return", as they say: a time of introspection, of leaving behind old patterns that don't serve you anymore, and maturing. You're noticing things and feeling uncomfortable. Maybe loosing this job really is a blessing in disguise.

What do you think is the cause of your isolation? I'm convinced it's not "your fault" as you put it. I'm a firm believer in going to the root of a problem. Our model for relationships is our family, how they modeled relationships for us as we were growing up. It's worth, albeit hard, to dig deep in one's childhood to better understand one's character. Imo you should start there.

Please don't give up on yourself: you're so young! There's so much to learn still 😊

Great idea, you could spend your Saturday nights mixing with other people and getting paid for it!

I've struggled with loneliness all my life op, and for various reasons it's hard for me to make friends so I sympathise. Please invest time and effort into making a support network while you can, because it's one of the things that you will need most later on in life.

do you have family at all?

can I ask why you think of this quote? it seems you judge yourself quite harshly?

While you’re job hunting use the time to volunteer, go for nice autumn walks, sit in a coffee shop or go visit some free museums. Anything to stop you sitting around the house on your own.
Start a hobby while you have some free time and think about Bumble friend apps.

This is possibly a good life lesson OP. You say you've never made an effort socially or with friends and suddenly it's hit you, you are lonely as a result of your choices. That's ok because you have the rest of your life to make different choices. You are in control here. You will have to step out of your comfort zone which is not easy but you can do it!! Busy yourself, find hobbies and classes, if you feel you are connecting with someone suggest a meet up, don't always wait for someone else. An evening course with an end date is good as it will often turn into a meet up in a pub or somewhere and a social group can go from there. Or maybe it won't work out this time long term but you'll enjoy the experience anyhow and gain confidence for the next course.

So many good ideas here, OP, and words of wisdom too. It's not too late. You're in a good position - you're young, you know you need connection and community, you're now in a position to go for jobs that you'll enjoy.

Some ideas:

• as pp have suggested, volunteering. There's so much you could do. Befriend an elderly person. Help out with driving. Work in a charity shop one morning a week. Do you have any particular skills or knowledge you could teach to others? It feels really good to help and serve people in some way.
• the meet-up website. So many groups and clubs you can try out. It does take a bit of nerve to walk into a room where you don't know anyone (yet) but once you've done it, it becomes easy! You could even ask the organiser to meet you outside if that makes it easier. Most groups are really welcoming to new members and understand your nerves because it was their first time once, too.
• get a dog. Only if you have the means to look after it, of course. Dogs are great for getting you out of the house every day, and people always want to stop and chat. This might not be for everyone, but personally I think dogs are great friends. They don't replace humans, but they certainly help you feel less lonely!
• online dating. Not necessarily expecting to meet the love of your life, but as a way to get out once a week and do something different. Just have a bunch of first dates! You can even sign up to apps now looking for friends, so that's worth a try, too.
• some kind of evening class. Learning something with others is a fun way to make connections. You can arrange to meet with others to practice the language/skill/whatever, or see if anyone fancies a drink after class. Some kinds of classes may be more sociable than others, but if you pick things you're interested in, you'll learn something and at least be out of the house once or twice a week, even if you don't make friends.
• get a housemate or two. Obviously this requires some careful thought and you might not be set up for it, but it's a great way to have a bit more of a social life, and quite often you will meet people through the people you live with.
• go on holiday with a group. Trekking through the Andes or whatever with a group of strangers. They will not be strangers by the end of it!

All these ideas will require you to step outside your comfort zone. But from your posts it's clear that your comfort zone is no longer comfortable. Rather, you're suffering and in pain. So choose one thing that you can do, and do it. Even if all these ideas are too 'big' for you right now, you can start by making a resolution to smile and say hello to someone every day. Choose the human cashier in the supermarket, and ask them how they are. Small exchanges like this feel good and build your confidence - they're not nothing! And slowly you can work up to other things. I think you'll be fine, OP. Just take a deep breath and go for it!