To think it is best for my children if I remain single

[OdeToMyFamilyy]

I'm 33 and a single mum of two great DC. A girl, 10 and a boy, 6. My eldest came from a long term partner who left me for someone else when I was 7 months pregnant, he has never met my daughter. My youngest was the result of a brief fling, he never wanted to be involved but I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. Both of my children have never been introduced to any men, they've only ever known it to be just the three of us. My parents divorced when I was young and I was introduced/made to live with multiple people over the years, often their children too and I'll be honest and say I absolutely hated it and this is a massive reason of why I've decided not to date. I don't want my kids going through what I did. This with the hate/jokes I see online posted about single mum's constantly by men, just makes me not want to bother. However I'm a human being and sometimes miss sex and think maybe my children would benefit from having a man in their life eventually? I really don't know. It just seems so risky. We are a tight unit and they are both so settled and secure in themselves. My son is also autistic and requires a lot of my attention at this point to help him to flourish. Does anyone have any person experience or advice? Am I a weirdo for thinking that actually, I would just rather be a single mum?

I feel similar. I'm 37 and kids are 9 and 6. I've been single for 4 years. I don't want to blend my family at all. Move someone in, have to compromise, no thanks.

I'm up for dating and meeting people but I'm not even doing that at the moment. Even if I did meet someone, I don't plan on introducing anyone to the children for a long, long time.

I feel similar. I’ve got kids 9 and 7 and my youngest has additional needs. I’ve not been with their dad since the youngest was a tiny baby.

Ive got a nice compromise of I date casually for fun on the days they’re with their dad but I won’t be introducing them to anyone until they’re a lot lot older. Just feel it’s an unnecessary extra complication, plus I like that adult time for me without rows about housework or parenting creeping in.

Much much more complicated to do if they don’t have time with their dads though!

I kind of feel the same. My kids are older but I don't want to bring anyone else into their lives. I don't feel like I'm giving anything up though. I don't want to be with anyone. I'm quite happy just me, and honestly can't see why I'd give that up for anyone. If you want to date though you don't need to involve your kids if that's what's best for you and them.

Not odd at all. You have your lovely kids. Men can be rewarding to have around but also can be a nightmare. If you like your life, why take the risk?

You're not on your own here, I've got a 5 year old and it's just us two. I'm completely estranged from my family

My mum had me and then married my step dad and had more kids. My step dad bullied me. Nasty guy.

Anyway, I think blended families work for some but can't see it working for me. I wohldnt want my daughter to go through the same thing.

Like you, I see so much stuff online about men and married people making fun of single mums (never full time single dads) and I just think I couldn't bring myself to trust a man

But I'd be up for some fun! Have you thought about just having a nice time with someone hot!? Or maybe making friends with some men who have their own kids before developing it into something?

Xx

When my auntie divorced (usual...her husband left her for the ow, leaving her with debt and two young children), she focused entirely on them and kept her sexual relationships just that... Sexual. Mutual understanding of both parties. She never introduced them to her children.
Nothing wrong with two consenting parties having sex and never taking it further. Fwiw, I think it's great you don't introduce man after man to your children.

You know first hand how so-called blended families affect children most of the time. Sadly, it is better for them if you keep men separate for a few more years.

Yanbu. 16yrs in and I've not had a date or anything. I can't imagine finding the time in-between parenting, work and life. Even the thought of an extra person needing my time tires me out.

What is your dad like? Do you have brothers, uncles? They can be surrounded by decent men who aren’t a father figure?

I was single for years before meeting my DH, we have 6 year old twins now and I have to admit it’s been tough. I’ve always always said though that if we ever split up or something happened to him I wouldn’t date again so I totally get when you’re coming from.

I’m the same (but I don’t miss sex🤣) I have my own house, lovely friends, lots to keep me occupied & my sole focus is bringing my DD up. I don’t want, or have time, for meeting anyone else.

I would also never bring an unrelated male into my DD’s life. She wouldn’t be choosing that life, I would and I’m not prepared to do it.

My childhood was full of different men coming & going, my sister’s life was full of different men coming & she prioritised these men above her DD & it all backfired when she was an adult.

The thought of a man in my space exhausts me 😄

Thank you 🥺

I try. I took a long time to recover from my upbringing and the past. I'm getting there slowly and I feel like I can't make the same choice my mum made

People think marriage is so great and respectable and 'best for the child'. I call bullshit - kids need a mum who is stable and sane and loves them above all

And they won't get that if you're catering to the every whim of a grown man 😒 xx

I feel exactly the same and honestly I think this is a good thing OP.

I am separated not yet divorced and have a good co-parenting relationship with ExH. I have zero interest in dating anyone for the foreseeable much less introduce them to DC and blend a family. No way thanks. I think this is the right thing to do whilst DC are young.

Thanks for the comments everyone 🙂 it is really nice to see so many others in agreement with me actually as I think people in real life often can't seem to understand how I can possibly be happy as a single mum. But I am. Also agree with up for having a bit of fun. Recently have decided that I would like to eventually embark upon a "friend with benefits" type situation. Not interested in a relationship or the commitment, but just a bit of sex whilst my children are not there.

I'm 50 and the exact same!
Aah well, if I die lonely, at least I'll know I put my kids first

In the same boat - 2 dc and no desire to date. I'm actually shocked when people ask me about dating: err I'm a single working mum to 2 young dc. I want less hassle in my life, not more!! And I am permanently touched out.

That said, if an absolute angel knocked on my door for a cup of sugar I'd be tempted.

But the reality of dating is dating apps and meeting strangers for a drink is not how i want to spend my precious free time.

I think you’re doing the best thing.

So so so many people drag their children in to barely mediocre blended families. Basically raising two families at meh at best. Because they put their needs to share a bed and have company anything else.

You can still have relationships and sex and what not it just doesn’t need to involve your children.

A blended family just wouldn't work for me because I know all of us would be compromising and I don't want my kids to have to

I agrée you are perfectly reasonable feeling as you do op.

I have two kids from an abusive marriage. Was really happy single then met a great guy. He did 50/50 with his kids and was no respectful of me. After a long time we merged families. Was all good for a while. My kids had an amazing father figure and loved him. Then we decided to have a baby, I had felt fine but got talked into it and was excited to experience having a child in a loving equal partnership. Only once baby came along his true colours showed. Housework and childcare was my responsibility. He had been 50/50 with his kids I think because of the financial benefit of them not paying maintenance. Loneliness when he didn't have his kids. He paid for a cleaner and the kids were older so I hadn't seen the reality of the inequality with a young child with him. There were lots of contributing factors but I left him in the end and he dropped my kids. My son has really been impacted by that. And I realised he didn't want 50/50 for our shared child while child was young and hard work, went months without seeing his kid but now kid is a bit older and less work he's having him much more and I bet the next woman will come along and believe he always did as much as he does now and think he's a great dad/man just like I did.

My older son is disabled and I can't get childcare/babysitting anyway to date but if I could I would be friends with benefits only. Can't put my kids through what they've been through again

I feel the same, I have raised my 12 year old son single handedly and we are very close, I have thoroughly enjoyed parenting him and it terrifies me to even think about dating another guy. I don't want anyone to change our family dynamic or give any outside influence to him. We are very close and comfortable with a balanced life. Maybe once he is an adult I might consider it, I don't miss sex as I've never had a good experience with it anyway, I can please myself with more success tbh 😂 and single life has been a joy, no ties, no having to negotiate etc.

I don't blame you.

If you would like to have a man in your life in a limited capacity you could make it clear from the outset that you are not interested in marriage or living together - just a boyfriend-girlfriend status relationship with dates and romantic friendship. He keeps his home and you keep your life (and home and security - and the stable status quo for your kids).

I think you’re absolutely right OP.

I don’t think it benefits kids to be part of a blended family. My dad remarried and I hated it. He didn’t have more children but my stepmum had a daughter who lived with them full time and I just felt so pushed out, like he’d replaced me with her. Thank god I had my safe haven with my mum, who never dated (as far as I knew) and always made me feel that I was her no 1 priority.

@StarDolphins, you could be me. I've been single since exH and I separated 12 years ago when DD was 18 months. I have focused on giving us both a nice life we travel, go to concerts, have cosy movie nights in etc. She doesn't lack for male role models as my father and brothers are all around and involved. I have never seen any reason to disrupt our lives by introducing a random man into it. People try to persuade me otherwise and often ask what I will do when DD leaves home and I reply that I'll finally catch up on all my reading!