To think it is best for my children if I remain single

[OdeToMyFamilyy]

I'm 33 and a single mum of two great DC. A girl, 10 and a boy, 6. My eldest came from a long term partner who left me for someone else when I was 7 months pregnant, he has never met my daughter. My youngest was the result of a brief fling, he never wanted to be involved but I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. Both of my children have never been introduced to any men, they've only ever known it to be just the three of us. My parents divorced when I was young and I was introduced/made to live with multiple people over the years, often their children too and I'll be honest and say I absolutely hated it and this is a massive reason of why I've decided not to date. I don't want my kids going through what I did. This with the hate/jokes I see online posted about single mum's constantly by men, just makes me not want to bother. However I'm a human being and sometimes miss sex and think maybe my children would benefit from having a man in their life eventually? I really don't know. It just seems so risky. We are a tight unit and they are both so settled and secure in themselves. My son is also autistic and requires a lot of my attention at this point to help him to flourish. Does anyone have any person experience or advice? Am I a weirdo for thinking that actually, I would just rather be a single mum?

Perfectly reasonable OP. I have 3 kids with SN from an abusive marriage. I never want to be in a relationship again, friends with benefits might be nice once they're all grown. One will probably be at home for much longer then normal. I know a few single mums, the two that have gone on dating and trying to have relationships it ended in pain everytime. My DC need stability and I don't think any of them could cope with another adult regularly in their space, so it's a good thing I don't want a relationship. I feel for my friends that still really want that, but I've never seen it work out and the kids end up hurt along with their mum. I'm not exposing my kids to another man who might turn out to be abusive like their dad. I was with XH for a decade before we had kids and things only became really obvious when I was pregnant with our third. I really believed he was one of the good ones.

I didn't date from when I split with DD's dad when she was 5 until she started secondary. I then deliberately decided to at least try dating as I knew DD would become increasingly independent. She's in third year of secondary now and i have been in a relationship for 2 years and it was so the right move! She's out so often and even when in is a typical teenager and rarely interested in me. I suspect i would be fighting loneliness now if it wasn't for my partner. But having said that we both have kids so live apart, have always seen each other when we don't have our kids. We have now met each others kids and have started doing the odd nights out together etc. But I doubt we will move in together until the last of our kids turn 18.

I don't think you're on your own in that mindset. If anything happened that caused my husband and I to split or whatever I wouldn't be I tested in dating whatsoever. I would remain single until they were both adults. It's just how I prefer to play it for stability.

As a single mum myself who's dated, I miss sex A LOT and have sometimes thought my DC would benefit having a man around.

Having said that, I do not bother anymore with men. Even the 'nice' ones are just not worth it. Most attached women won't admit it outright, but there are a significant number with inadequate or abusive partners and husbands. And even more who carry around a shitload of internalised misogyny.

Happy being single. It's peaceful.

We need to be confident to push back against the rhetoric of 'woman needs man' or she's incomplete in some way.
It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about what's best for you and your children. You know your own mind, have thought about your own childhood experiences, and it doesn't sound as though you've reached your decision lightly. As they say, paddle your own canoe and do what's best for you and your children.

I tried so hard to do the modern thing of FWB. For me it meant friends before benefits as in whatever happened at what was a demonstrably and mutually understood difficult time for me, that the friendship between us was more important than the sexual relationship. Unfortunately that understanding or expectation on my part bit me hard. Very hard. I tried to communicate my needs, my thoughts, my expectations on communication and more. It didn't work - it ended up being very much all on their terms. So, go for it if you have the hide of elephant but do not think that sex without commitment or whatever is easier. It's not.

If I was in your position I would stay single until the children were grown up.

I think, statistically, girls do better with just mum but boys do better with a male role model, so whatever you do, you’ll be half right/wrong.

So I wouldn’t fret about it. See what happens.

I think your instincts are correct and I would stay single. Particularly for your ds if he's autistic, he'll really value the tight little unit with nobody else around.

I'm a widowed single mum and I didn't know there was lots of hate and jokes about single mums online. I was going to ask what people say but it would probably depress me so I won't. Why aren't single dads targeted too?
My dds are 17 and 20 and I do think it's been best for them that I've not rushed into dating and moving someone new in after we lost their dad.

YANBU at all.

I've remained single as well since 2015. One daughter and I have zero interest in blending. We have a lovely, peaceful home where she's thriving and I have no intention of tinkering with that.

The sex itch can be scratched separately.

Op, you make perfect sense.

You have a happy home with contented secure children. That is a huge achievement. You are a great mum.

I'm a single mum too, have been for 14 years. In that time I've had one relationship, he didn't live with us and I was v discreet. But he still tried to come between me and ds, and so I dumped him.

I can wait. Ds will go to uni in two years, I can wait until then. 😊

Thinking about it, the sort of people who hate or make jokes about single mums are probably idiots who aren't worth knowing.

You're a good parent. So many on here rush to 'blend' with some feckless man at the expense of their childrens' wellbeing.

I never understood why people move their partners in and start having more children, I always feel sorry for the original children, I would have hated to be in a blended family, living with step parents and step siblings.
I am separated and have a young son, I did date one guy for a bit but kept it totally separate from my son. It will always just be me and my son, no man will ever live with us. I still would like to go on dates, have sex with someone but definitely not ever living with anyone again. I actually don't even like them staying the night to be honest! I prefer the bed to myself

Mine are almost all grown up now, but I have stayed single and don't regret it, I think it is the best decision personally. No changes and upheaval, no heartbreak if it doesn't work out, no risk to safety. Then I see what some friends and their kids have gone through with new partners and I definitely know I've made the right decision!

Yes, a good male role model would be nice, but what's the guarantee you will get that. And anyway I have lots of friends that my kids can watch as role models.

😀 it’s a nice life isn’t it? That’s lovely that your DD has such good, close men in her life. My DD doesn’t have any male role models (bar friends dads) but I make sure to point out all the lovely men we know & I guess if I bring her up to be nice & easy going but not put up with any shit then it will transfer onto her future relationships with boys/men.

When my DD leaves home, I’m going to watch box sets, I never, ever get chance to watch anything I want so I will thoroughly enjoy it. Them I’m going to go
out for lots of meals with my friends & do yoga!

When my husband left for OW, my son was two. He was also undergoing diagnosis for autism. I made a decision early on to remain single. Part of it was because the absolute ordeal they put me through over a number of years meant that I was never ever going to put myself in that position again. I also didn't have family nearby to babysit and my eldest child went off to uni when my youngest was 5 so dating has never been possible anyway.

I have had several sexual relationships, one long term in a FWB arrangement but that was outside my home and only when my son saw his father. There were no overnights so it was just a few hours once a week I had to myself. Then ex and OW bought a house at the other end of the country and he dumped our son and hasn't been seen since. I would never ever risk putting my son through that sort of trauma again. I don't need anybody, I'm not interested in risking a relationship. I would not inflict it on my children. I've also seen the damage it does when kids have revolving "uncles" coming in and out. No thanks.

Bastard!

I remind myself I'll be the tender age of 45 when my daughter goes to uni, and the world will be my oyster.
I can wait 😆.

I think just keep doing what you're doing
And be boundaries with men. Make a list of all the qualifies that a man would need to be good enough to enter their life and how long you'd need to be in a committed relationship with them first and stick to this. You'll only end up with a good guy, or being single, this way.

Don't think too far ahead about a man moving in etc. you'd only consider this if it was a great man that they knew well for a long time and if their life would get better if he moved in. You won't mindlessly move in every new boyfriend.

Don't let your fear of being like your own parent stop you having any kind of romantic life. You're child focused and not like them.

What a bastard. I'm sorry this happened!!

This has given me chills as I would love to have another child with a man like that you describe he pretended to be! If i waited ages to find out who he really is first I'll probably be too old to when a baby :-(
I think my ex will probably have a child with his new gf and she'll experience what you did.

Don’t f-up a good thing for sex. You don’t need to move a man in and risk your relationship with your kids and impact their future to get your leg over.
Thankfully it’s 2024 and you are free to have sex and not get married or procreate.
Once the DCs are grown and flown then maybe you will want some companionship, but even then protect your assets for them and firm up your will.

I think there is no right answer, a lot depends.

I agree that a lot of single parents make it hard for their kids with dating, and some I would put it more strongly than that. I babysat a girl in that situation for a while, her father introduced her to one serious partner who he broke up with, he then met and married someone else - I think it was all hard for her though that marriage has been stable.

Her mum however went through a string of partners with their own kids, moved in and out with three or four, and frankly I think it was terrible for the children. And she was in many ways a good mum who loved her kids but had a serious blind spot about that.

On the other hand, my mum remarried after she and my dad divorced, and I think it was very positive for me and my sister overall. It was harder at the beginning and I was not always happy, but it definitely gave us another active parent, a male role model, and more financial and general stability.

The main thing with this though is my mum never introduced us to any men she just dated, and she and my stap-father agreed beforehand that if they did introduce us it would be when they had already settled on marraihge, and there would be no question of it being a trial or experiment - if they married, that was it. And he treated us as his own, including financially - he was just as responsible for making school lunches, taking us to events, and financially (which was actually a big step up for us.) There was no question of us being kids who lived with our mum's husband as a sort of roommate, we functioned as a family.

If I were in that situation, I wouldn't necessarily preclude remarriage, but I would be very picky. And if it wasn't on the cards I might date but I'd not have the kids involved with the person as my boyfriend or anything like that. At best they might know him as a friend.

It does not have to be forever. Women can and do get into relationships with men once their kids are adults or close to adulthood.

It’s also possible to form a relationship which is extremely hands-off from your daily life (ie, you meet for companionship sometimes but no moving-in and the kids are mostly kept out of things) - again, this is easier as your kids become teenagers and it becomes easier for you to, say, head out in the evening now and then without having to hire a babysitter.