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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL issue!

62 replies

Farmyardscene · 15/10/2024 15:20

MIL has form for become very over-involved especially with BIL and SIL. DH and I have taken DCs on a UK holiday. It’s only a couple of hours drive from our house.

MIL is annoyed at us because we didn’t let her know we have arrived safe? DH woke
up to loads of messages and calls from her panicking. We’ve got babies and we arrived late so just wanted to get them sorted then have a glass of wine and relax ourselves. I feel like she’s starting to spiral into over-involvement in our lives. AIBU? Would you still let your mum know when you’ve arrived somewhere?!

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 15/10/2024 15:25

She worries about you probably and in some family/friend groups it is standard to let people know that you're home safely. Now that you know this is an issue for her, you can either make a note to text on arrival in future, or tell her that you won't be doing that and that she would hear soon enough in the very unlikely event of an accident.

angstridden2 · 15/10/2024 15:25

She’s obviously anxious, I am too and worry when loved ones are travelling. I can’t see that it’s over involvement (at least I hope that not how it appears) we’re just worriers. A quick ‘got here’ text isn’t too onerous surely even if it’s a bit annoying if she’s generally a good MIL.

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2024 15:26

Oh hell no.

I don't let anyone know that "I've arrived safe" unless I've left them to travel to that place alone late at night. I definitely wouldn't be getting onto the habit of telling MIL every little detail about family whereabouts. Nip that shit right away.

Not sure how, maybe just a brush it off laughingly - oh Sheila, obviously we are fine, we are a family travelling together, why would we have an issue, what would you have done if we had an issue? Sheila, we've got a flat tyre, are you coming to fix it? No? well why would I tell you then?

itsmylife7 · 15/10/2024 15:27

Don't feed her "anxiety" it'll only get worse.

mumtotwo11 · 15/10/2024 15:29

If we are going away - here or abroad - parents and in laws know we are going to- we'd normally pop a text to them (me to my parents, dh to his) to say we'd got there fine.

I know we are all adults but we are all someone's baby too - I don't think a quick text is a massive issue. I do think you MiL was a bit OTT maybe on this occasion x

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 15/10/2024 15:29

I think asking you if you have arrived safely is harmless and not over-involved. As long as she isn’t going to message you every day wanting the same update I don’t see the harm in putting her mind at rest.

mumtotwo11 · 15/10/2024 15:31

My own parents would pop a note in a group chat with my DB to say they had arrived safely somewhere too if they were travelling

PenCreed · 15/10/2024 15:34

If you haven’t done it previously, don’t start now! We never bother telling either set of parents when we’ve arrived on holiday (or home again). They assume we’re competent adults who can manage.

GabriellaMontez · 15/10/2024 15:36

A 2 hour drive... no. Don't begin this, who knows where it will end. Don't feed her unreasonable anxiety.

shellyleppard · 15/10/2024 15:38

I would have sent a quick text along the lines of..... arrived safe, settling in talk in the morning when things are settled??"

toastofthetown · 15/10/2024 15:40

No I wouldn’t let them know I’ve arrived safely and that shouldn’t be an expectation of you. It’s not weird if that’s how your family communicates, but it shouldn’t be an obligation on you, or another thing on your to do list.

Maray1967 · 15/10/2024 15:40

mumtotwo11 · 15/10/2024 15:29

If we are going away - here or abroad - parents and in laws know we are going to- we'd normally pop a text to them (me to my parents, dh to his) to say we'd got there fine.

I know we are all adults but we are all someone's baby too - I don't think a quick text is a massive issue. I do think you MiL was a bit OTT maybe on this occasion x

Yes, we do this. A quick text on arrival -but neither set of parents would be ringing in panic if we forgot. We’d probably get one text asking if we’d got there.

mumtotwo11 · 15/10/2024 15:40

shellyleppard · 15/10/2024 15:38

I would have sent a quick text along the lines of..... arrived safe, settling in talk in the morning when things are settled??"

I don't even think they need to talk to mil.

"Arrived safe, all lovely. See you when we are back"

Done

If feeling generous a few pics of kids midway thought holiday

Ellie1015 · 15/10/2024 15:41

My parents expect this, they worry it is a sign of care and easy to send a text. Usually i do text late after a missed call but i dont think there is any harm in this. Quick win to message and put their mind at rest.

CurbsideProphet · 15/10/2024 15:41

My MIL is like this. Acts as though we are children incapable of making decisions/ going anywhere/ looking after our own DC. I just ignore her and get on with my own life, DH can manage his mother 😂

CurlewKate · 15/10/2024 15:42

Perfectly normal in my family to send a quick message on arrival. It only takes seconds and is a kind thing to do-particularly if someone's inclined to worry.

toastofthetown · 15/10/2024 15:42

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 15/10/2024 15:29

I think asking you if you have arrived safely is harmless and not over-involved. As long as she isn’t going to message you every day wanting the same update I don’t see the harm in putting her mind at rest.

DH woke up to loads of messages and calls from her panicking.

That’s very different from one message saying “hope you got there safely and are settled in with a glass of wine now”. The OP and her husband going on a mini break isn’t something she should need her mind putting at rest over, and certainly not to the point of multiple calls and messages.

Original poster
Farmyardscene · 15/10/2024 15:44

Im actually surprised how many commenters message when they arrive somewhere! If it was a flight I would but not normally for a relatively short UK drive. I know it’s a short message but to be honest whilst we were unpacking, putting babies to bed, feeding ourselves etc I didn’t even know where my phone was to look at it.

OP posts:
EatSleepSleepRepeat · 15/10/2024 15:45

She has anxiety of some sort. Think about what might have triggered it. You may then reflect whether to roll your eyes and give her the assurance she wants or whether to ask DH to lay down the law.

As an example, if she has recently lost someone unexpectedly or in an accident I'd probably cut her some slack for a while before deciding she needs to manage that fear independently.

DowntonCrabby · 15/10/2024 15:46

I also wouldn’t be feeding the anxiety. If it’s genuine anxiety that meant she sent loads of tests and called loads of times then she needs some MH support, I’d be getting DH to gently relay that message.
If it is an over-involved/ controlling thing then DH needs to nip that in the bud, either by not feeding/ grey rock or having a proper word.

rainbowbaby2 · 15/10/2024 15:46

We always let my dm know or mil that we'd arrived safe somewhere. Mainly when we drive to and from their houses which are about a 4 hour drive.
Not sure if we'd do that if we were only driving a couple of hours.

dutysuite · 15/10/2024 15:49

I suppose I do let my parents/siblings know as I send them photos of the place when I get there. We all do it in my family.🤣 It wouldn’t bother me if my husband’s mother texted him, she wouldn’t as she doesn’t use messages to communicate, but if it made her feel less anxious I’d just let my husband deal with it and stay out of it…I can’t see the big deal really.

MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 15:50

This is one of those points where the single situation in isolation is impossible answer.

So, if it's just this one thing that she's got a bit of irrational anxiety about, then sure, if it's standard in their family to do it, then I don't see it as such a big deal.

The problem is if this is the tip of the iceberg and from there she'll expect daily updates on all activities, will be butting into private medical issues, will meltdown if you don't run financial decisions by her etc.....

You and your DH are the only ones who can answer that and who can then make a decision about what you do/do not consider acceptable for her to ask of you in the context of trips like this.

Birdscratch · 15/10/2024 15:52

Being worried because she didn’t get a call? Reasonable in some families. It depends what’s normal for yours and if you/your DH would usually phone.
Repeatedly phoning, leaving messages and panicking? Really extreme.

DoraSpenlow · 15/10/2024 15:57

When we were in our 60's we still gave our mums three rings on the phone to let them know we were safely home after a 4 hour journey. Took seconds but put their minds at rest.

Action prompted after a family friend was killed in a car accident going to pick up his father for Sunday lunch a 10 minute drive away.

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