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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL issue!

62 replies

Farmyardscene · 15/10/2024 15:20

MIL has form for become very over-involved especially with BIL and SIL. DH and I have taken DCs on a UK holiday. It’s only a couple of hours drive from our house.

MIL is annoyed at us because we didn’t let her know we have arrived safe? DH woke
up to loads of messages and calls from her panicking. We’ve got babies and we arrived late so just wanted to get them sorted then have a glass of wine and relax ourselves. I feel like she’s starting to spiral into over-involvement in our lives. AIBU? Would you still let your mum know when you’ve arrived somewhere?!

OP posts:
NotSorry · 15/10/2024 15:58

I don't even tell my parents I'm going on holiday (also over-involved people I keep at arms length) so I definitely wouldn't send them an arrived safe text

GinToBegin · 15/10/2024 16:01

Farmyardscene · 15/10/2024 15:44

Im actually surprised how many commenters message when they arrive somewhere! If it was a flight I would but not normally for a relatively short UK drive. I know it’s a short message but to be honest whilst we were unpacking, putting babies to bed, feeding ourselves etc I didn’t even know where my phone was to look at it.

Flying seems a bigger deal, but driving is the greater risk, so a worrier is going to worry about either, I suspect.

I’m from a family that does send a little message on arrival, so to me it’s natural and normal, so unless there’s more going on, I’d go along with it. If you find it a chore, that’s fine, let your DH do it, with a little reminder, if needed - I know it shouldn’t be needed, but we’re none of us perfect, and again, unless there’s more to the situation, for the sake of harmony and general rubbing along, I’d do that much, at least.

265IceCream · 15/10/2024 16:03

I actually had an argument with my own parents when they did this to me and DH years ago. We have since settled in a place where we do send a "we're ok" text which my dad accepts is code for ""we're safe, good, and just having a good time, will call in a few days, don't bother me".

I've lived abroad for 18 years, but my parents still worry.

Whatsitreallylike · 15/10/2024 16:04

Where does it end? DH drives an hour each way to work everyday. He doesn’t text me or MIL to say he’s arrived safe. I’d send pics of the kids on hols etc over holiday because we have the close relationship. Wouldn’t even occur to me to text that we’re safe after a 2 hour drive and I’d say as much if I woke up to a barrage of texts/calls.

Enko · 15/10/2024 16:07

If they leave from. Our house I expect a "we are home safe" message. If they leave from theirs I don't. Equally if I leave from their house they get a "we are home safe" message

imverynosey · 15/10/2024 16:17

Perhaps she has anxiety?

HamptonPlace · 15/10/2024 16:30

Is she expecting a text saying "safely arrived at work today", "arrived at recycling centre no problem, still alive", "made it home from shops without dying"?

TheDuck2018 · 15/10/2024 16:38

I still give my mum three rings to let her know I've got home safely after visiting her.
My kids text me to let me know they've arrived safely and also when they're back home again....what they do whilst they're at wherever is none of my business, but I like to know they're safe.
It's no big deal.

LauritaEvita · 15/10/2024 20:16

I’d just let my husband deal with it and not get involved. I let my own parents know when we arrive anywhere cos that’s the type of family we are and we’re all in contact all the time. Wouldn’t occur to me to let husband’s family know so I would leave that up to him. If I’d thought it had caused worry, I’d prob just say to my partner ‘oh maybe text her next time’ but that would be the end of my involvement. I certainly wouldn’t consider this a MIL issue. It’s between your husband and his mum.

Wellingtonspie · 15/10/2024 20:20

Mil is like this. Even a simple camp half an hour away let me know you got there safe. We go on day trips 4 hours away that’s fine. The second it’s a holiday she must know.

Might not speak for two weeks randomly but the second we disappear for even a weekend it’s like we are suddenly going to die.

My mum assumes no news is good news unless I send her a picture of something either I like or think she will like.

Wellingtonspie · 15/10/2024 20:22

Ironically they would be notified if you had died or something anyway. Since your next of kin would be with you so they would go looking for more family members. No news equals good news.

SiobhanSharpe · 15/10/2024 20:31

My DB and I generally email each other our holiday dates just before we go away, so everyone has it in writing.
We don't say we've arrived at our destination but we do tend to drop a text when we're back home.
Mostly along the lines of "back home, great holiday, now exhausted. Will phone soon."

SweetLimeSoda · 15/10/2024 20:31

Those of you who are anxious about loved ones travelling, does that include when they're travelling to the supermarket for example, when they're travelling about on a day to day basis?

waitingforthebus · 15/10/2024 20:34

It doesn't really matter how normal this is for other people OP. If it's not normal for you, you need to gently set expectations hat you won't be doing it

MrsAngelaSchrute · 15/10/2024 20:37

I wouldn't let my mil know unless she messaged specifically asking, but if she did ask I'd reply.

PinkiOcelot · 15/10/2024 20:43

I don’t see any problem with sending a quick text to let them know you’d arrived safe and well. You wouldn’t have woken up to a load of texts then.

Asiama · 15/10/2024 20:49

I think it depends. We let FIL know but if we forget he would just send a message saying "Hope you are ok". With my mother it spiralled to a point where she would need to know our exact itinerary and we would need to check in multiple times a day so we just didn't tell her anymore.

lazyarse123 · 15/10/2024 20:56

I ask my DD to let me know but only because she's a single woman. To be fair she asks us to let her know if we're going a long way, Yorkshire to Cornwall usually.
Although last year when it snowed quite badly she came for tea we both asked her to let us know when she got home. We all laughed because she asked if we were going to go out and push if she got stuck. It's just a caring habit but we wouldn't be sending multiple messages.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/10/2024 20:59

My adult dc travel abroad.. I certainly don't ask or need a text clarifying grown people have arrived at their destination...

Powderblue1 · 15/10/2024 21:02

As someone who has major MIL issues, create firm boundaries now, don't pander to unreasonable behaviour and stump it out before it goes too far!

Thelnebriati · 15/10/2024 21:03

Does she acknowledge she's anxious and is she taking any steps to manage her anxiety? If she is I'd do things to support her; but if she refuses to get help I wouldn't tie myself in knots trying not to trigger her because thats just not possible.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/10/2024 21:08

No, I wouldn’t do that unless I’d left her house to go home. Generally then it’s a ‘home safe now, thank you for having us!’ kind of conversation.

If you need to let her know you’ve safely arrived after a 2 hour trip on holiday, would you need to let her know you’ve arrived on a day trip somewhere? Sometimes I’ve travelled that far for work/a course! Where do you draw the line!?

Mrsknowitall · 15/10/2024 22:02

It doesn’t take a minute to send “we’re here mum, speak to you during the week, good night” then put the phone down and on silent if you have to. I still text my mum and dh to his that we got home safely to put their mind at rest.

Hoppinggreen · 15/10/2024 22:11

I am 50 and my Mum died last year aged 80, she died while I was on holiday, the day after I sent her a text to say I had arrived.
I always did it, she didn't make me it was just something we did, having said that she wouldn't have been annoyed if I didn't - presumably as I never missed 😀
DH doesn't do it though with his Mum

Wbeezer · 15/10/2024 22:23

I refused to meet MIL's expectations about this as I'm forgetful and didn't want to get panicked calls. Don't pander to her anxiety, it's a slippery slope. Some people connect worrying with caring and consciously or unconsciously think if you don't worry you don't care, it's usually women who do this and IMO it's often learned behaviour ( bit different if it comes from actual trauma).

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