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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My girlfriend is hypervigilant and I feel judged

105 replies

dlp777 · 15/10/2024 14:39

ok, never posted before

i am 27, my girlfriend is 24.

we have recently moved in together after a year and a half of being together. We have been living together for 5 months before then, because she basically lived at mine. We now have a new house (rental).

We have only been in for a week, and nothing is ready yet. Our sofas haven’t arrived, we don’t have our telly yet, nothing is sorted and so we’re staying there, but it doesn’t feel like home yet.

on the day we moved in, I texted her to say “I’m coming home now” and she said I “could have sounded more excited”.
I hate it when she tells me how I should be feeling. Everyone shows excitement in different ways and she has such rigid expectations. I have to act in a certain way or she doesn’t like it.

She was sobbing this morning because she feels like I’m not excited. This is because we woke up and had breakfast in silence because I was tired. She said the atmosphere was off and it’s all meant to be fun and exciting.
She keeps saying things like “I want you to be the most excited and see this as the best thing ever” or “we’re supposed to be jumping around in excitement in our first house”.

Another issues is, she can’t take any criticism. I told her I hate it when she tells me how I feel, and I’ve hated it this whole time. It turns into a huge thing and she says things like “I want you to love everything about me” or “you’ve hated something about me for 18 months”

I do really love her and she makes me happy most of the time, but always seems to think I’m lying when I say nice things. She never takes my word for it.

I don’t want everyone to come on here and just trash talk her, I need tsome constructive advice to help me/her please, or tell me if I’m in the wrong?

thank you

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 15/10/2024 14:43

Well you probably need to find a time, outside of the house, to talk to each other honestly. If you aren't a running around like an excited puppy kind of person no amount of her asking is going to change that...sounds like you both have different expectations.

Google how to have constructive conversations to say how this is making you feel and how to get some compromise. You'll be a bit more excited if she'll be a bit less demanding maybe.

She does sound a little bit much if you don't mind me saying, but maybe she'll calm down.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 14:53

You've been together a year and a half and basically lived together for 5 months already.
So you knew about the issues you had with her, such as telling you how you are feeling and not being able to take criticism, before you actually moved into this new home together.
Perhaps it might have been sensible not to move in to this new place together without talking things through about each others behaviour. No doubt she feels exactly the same about parts of your behaviour. Perhaps you aren't ready to actually live together.

Catza · 15/10/2024 14:55

The only two bits of constructive advice I can offer is that she needs to look into having some therapy. Not sure for what.. confidence issues? abandonment issues? There is definitely something.
The second advice is you need to pull you socks up. Just because you are tired, doesn't mean you can't make a little effort to talk to your partner at breakfast.

Carrotmccarrotface · 15/10/2024 14:55

She sounds exhausting.

Is she some sort of social media addict who thinks everything has to be great the whole time? Like it’s always sunshine and roses? When really quite a lot of people just want to eat breakfast in peace as they are exhausted.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/10/2024 14:57

Run like the wind. You are not good together.

TheShellBeach · 15/10/2024 15:00

It's very worrying that with all these issues, the pair of you thought it would be a good idea to rent a house together.

Mydogsleftearishalfcocked · 15/10/2024 15:05

If you love her and are serious about this relationship op then I think you should play the long game.

Twenty-four, as you are finding out, is extremely young.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising as it's not meant to be! But her brain is only just becoming fully formed at this stage and the bits that join up with your limbic system and make you less impulsive and less labile, are only just connecting.

She's excited! And she can't tell if you are excited or not BC you express it differently. But you do need to communicate or she might interpret "lack of excitement" wrongly as "I am being given the silent treatment bc I have done something wrong" and she may very well be feeling judged too.

Sobbing with disappointment does sound way over the top though!

Justme2023123 · 15/10/2024 15:07

Is this her first time moving out of home? If it is, she's probably built it into a massive deal in her mind. Whereas for you this is at least your 2nd independent home so it's not quite as exciting.

Hunnymonster1 · 15/10/2024 15:10

dlp777 · 15/10/2024 14:39

ok, never posted before

i am 27, my girlfriend is 24.

we have recently moved in together after a year and a half of being together. We have been living together for 5 months before then, because she basically lived at mine. We now have a new house (rental).

We have only been in for a week, and nothing is ready yet. Our sofas haven’t arrived, we don’t have our telly yet, nothing is sorted and so we’re staying there, but it doesn’t feel like home yet.

on the day we moved in, I texted her to say “I’m coming home now” and she said I “could have sounded more excited”.
I hate it when she tells me how I should be feeling. Everyone shows excitement in different ways and she has such rigid expectations. I have to act in a certain way or she doesn’t like it.

She was sobbing this morning because she feels like I’m not excited. This is because we woke up and had breakfast in silence because I was tired. She said the atmosphere was off and it’s all meant to be fun and exciting.
She keeps saying things like “I want you to be the most excited and see this as the best thing ever” or “we’re supposed to be jumping around in excitement in our first house”.

Another issues is, she can’t take any criticism. I told her I hate it when she tells me how I feel, and I’ve hated it this whole time. It turns into a huge thing and she says things like “I want you to love everything about me” or “you’ve hated something about me for 18 months”

I do really love her and she makes me happy most of the time, but always seems to think I’m lying when I say nice things. She never takes my word for it.

I don’t want everyone to come on here and just trash talk her, I need tsome constructive advice to help me/her please, or tell me if I’m in the wrong?

thank you

Omg you could have been my partner when I had one. I have borderline personality disorder which means I guess my happiness was coming from my partner at the time. Which I now know js wrong but that meant it was a lit kf pressure for them . If they wasn't like you say excited outwardly I woukd be like omg they are not happy etc. No matter how much reassurance they gave me wasn't enough.
I bet she hates her self I beg you she has low esteem abd that she thinks everything has ho be so exciting but that's all fir her to sort out. It could be her age she's young I am 44 but it could also be fear of rejection. Which again you are trying to appease her but if she is borderline personality disorder don't matter as uts all in her head.
By the way did she ever have any trauma as a kid and is she a bit hyper

Hunnymonster1 · 15/10/2024 15:11

Catza · 15/10/2024 14:55

The only two bits of constructive advice I can offer is that she needs to look into having some therapy. Not sure for what.. confidence issues? abandonment issues? There is definitely something.
The second advice is you need to pull you socks up. Just because you are tired, doesn't mean you can't make a little effort to talk to your partner at breakfast.

As i have just said I have borderline personality disorder and what he is describing sounds a bit like a relationship I was in

yeaitsmeagain · 15/10/2024 15:19

She's just finding things to pick at because she's unhappy about something else, no one actually expects people to be jumping up and down about moving into a rental property with someone they already live with (unless it's on a Caribbean island or something maybe).

Lentilweaver · 15/10/2024 15:22

She sounds very hard work and I would not be able to live with someone like this. I like a quiet life.

SaltiestoftheSalty · 15/10/2024 15:22

She's immature and that's probably understating it. As pp said, is she a big social media (TikTok, IG) user? She has come up with an idea of how life should look and real life doesn't look like social media fake life. Having said that, I do think that for you two to have made it together this long, you either were more tolerant and understanding of her needs or she is actually struggling with the big new commitment of living together and needs a real conversation about it and some reassurance.

piccolorhinoceros · 15/10/2024 15:24

Hypervigilant? How so?

Honestly, you just don't sound like a match. It shouldn't be this hard. She's asking you to seem excited, probably because she feels insecure that you regret moving in together, and you get grumpy because she's putting pressure on you and then don't speak to her all morning? While she does seem to have OTT expectations, it's not normal to sit in silence. Are you one of those people who lets your mood dictate the atmosphere? I suspect you both have a lot to work on, it's not just her.

BefuddledPuck · 15/10/2024 15:25

TheShellBeach · 15/10/2024 15:00

It's very worrying that with all these issues, the pair of you thought it would be a good idea to rent a house together.

It could be a lot worse, they could have bought a house together.

itzthTtimeGib · 15/10/2024 15:25

Can we please petition mumsnet to make it impossible to quote the entire OP for no reason. Every single post on a thread is a response to the OP, unless stated otherwise!

Anyway sorry to your question - you’re both so young, and I would argue, incompatible. Is it really worth working on this?

baroqueandblue · 15/10/2024 15:26

This might help you to communicate how you're experiencing your partner's unreasonable expectations, OP.

www.growthwellnesstherapy.com/our-blog/how-i-statements-can-make-a-difference-with-your-partner-your-children-or-your-classroom

Lucytheloose · 15/10/2024 15:27

Oh dear. I'd be moving out before the sofa arrived.

Naunet · 15/10/2024 15:27

Has she only been like this since moving in together?

HappierTimesAhead · 15/10/2024 15:30

I honestly think I was a bit like your gf in my twenties. I felt so responsible for everything being great and if I felt like my boyfriend wasn't happy in some way then I couldn't rest. I would keep saying "Are you okay?" endlessly. I sucked the joy out of things a bit

Anyway, we are still together! We are older and I have realised that I can't control everything, we don't have to make each other happy every second of the day and life is complicated!

WhichEllie · 15/10/2024 15:32

If someone “ate breakfast in silence” with me I would assume that they were pissed off with me about something. Is this your first time living with someone? Living together means making an effort with one another. I know that some people are moody in the mornings but it’s pretty uncivil to not engage with those around you.

As for the rest… you may just not be compatible. She is anxious and seeking reassurance from you because you don’t seem to be expressive, so she doesn’t know what you’re thinking and where she stands with you. If you’re not going to offer that reassurance she is going to continue to be anxious and upset. Her over-the-top responses are probably partly her age, but there’s likely just a fundamental incompatibility here.

DowntonCrabby · 15/10/2024 15:35

This is so unhealthy, she doesn’t sound remotely emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship.
If you were my adult child or my best mate I’d advise you to end things.

MeMyCatsAndI · 15/10/2024 15:36

It's not going to get any better, I'd leave now.

Catza · 15/10/2024 15:36

WhichEllie · 15/10/2024 15:32

If someone “ate breakfast in silence” with me I would assume that they were pissed off with me about something. Is this your first time living with someone? Living together means making an effort with one another. I know that some people are moody in the mornings but it’s pretty uncivil to not engage with those around you.

As for the rest… you may just not be compatible. She is anxious and seeking reassurance from you because you don’t seem to be expressive, so she doesn’t know what you’re thinking and where she stands with you. If you’re not going to offer that reassurance she is going to continue to be anxious and upset. Her over-the-top responses are probably partly her age, but there’s likely just a fundamental incompatibility here.

Also, if the OP does give her constant reassurance, she will still be anxious and upset and this will likely escalate into needing yet more reassurance. It's exhausting, I wouldn't bother with it unless the person was getting some help.
But I agree with the rest. Having breakfast is silence is not on no matter how much of a non-morning person you are. I am dreadful in the morning and prefer not to speak so I compensate with physical touch a lot and my partner still feels loved and valued.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 15/10/2024 15:40

I think you should get out of the relationship. Do not buy together as it won't get better.