My girlfriend is hypervigilant and I feel judged

[dlp777]

ok, never posted before

i am 27, my girlfriend is 24.

we have recently moved in together after a year and a half of being together. We have been living together for 5 months before then, because she basically lived at mine. We now have a new house (rental).

We have only been in for a week, and nothing is ready yet. Our sofas haven’t arrived, we don’t have our telly yet, nothing is sorted and so we’re staying there, but it doesn’t feel like home yet.

on the day we moved in, I texted her to say “I’m coming home now” and she said I “could have sounded more excited”.
I hate it when she tells me how I should be feeling. Everyone shows excitement in different ways and she has such rigid expectations. I have to act in a certain way or she doesn’t like it.

She was sobbing this morning because she feels like I’m not excited. This is because we woke up and had breakfast in silence because I was tired. She said the atmosphere was off and it’s all meant to be fun and exciting.
She keeps saying things like “I want you to be the most excited and see this as the best thing ever” or “we’re supposed to be jumping around in excitement in our first house”.

Another issues is, she can’t take any criticism. I told her I hate it when she tells me how I feel, and I’ve hated it this whole time. It turns into a huge thing and she says things like “I want you to love everything about me” or “you’ve hated something about me for 18 months”

I do really love her and she makes me happy most of the time, but always seems to think I’m lying when I say nice things. She never takes my word for it.

I don’t want everyone to come on here and just trash talk her, I need tsome constructive advice to help me/her please, or tell me if I’m in the wrong?

thank you

This is the female version of these insecure controlling men that you have to walk on eggshells around..
In my experience it only escalates abd there's nothing you can do to reassure them.
I had an ex who would sulk for days for things like me not seeming grateful enough when he picked me up from work or not putting enough Xs at the end of a text.
He became obsessed I was cheating on him. I was not. His mood was constantly up and down. Tiny little things I did, mannerisms, throwaway comments.. he'd turn them all into massive issues.
I was so worn down by it, I was like a shell of myself.
It was awful. Stuff like I'd want to walk home from work (it was a beautiful coastal walk) and he'd insist that was wierd and why didn't I want him to pick me up, I just didn't want to spend time with him, I didn't respect him etc etc
Absolutely suffocating.

One day you'll find someone whose communication style is similar to yours and whom you don't have to explain your every gesture to. You'll find someone who is secure enough not to constantly demand proof of love.
Honestly end this relationship now because you aren't compatible abd there's nothing you can do. It will never be enough to heal her insecurity. That's something she has to go on her own journey with. Or perhaps she will find a man who communicates in a way she responds to well.. but the bottom line is you won't be able to both change yourselves enough to please the other, and also not be miserable because of how you've had to change yourself

@piccolorhinoceros well yes, we’d spent enough nights together by that point for him to know that I’m not a morning person! Growing up, there was never an expectation that breakfast was a social event in my family, everyone just got their own, and the same for my flatmates in my 20s. Other times of the day I’ll be perfectly cheery and chatty., just not great in the mornings before I’ve had breakfast and a shower.
Obviously this isn’t just about breakfast, I just wanted to point out that for many people not actively making conversation at breakfast because they’re tired is a normal morning thing rather than being rude and grumpy, and that their partner accepting that can be one of the compromises of living together.

She sounds very immature. Maybe show her this thread? Explain how she makes you feel. See if she's big enough to take the feedback onboard. Better to know sooner rather than later.

She sounds very immature and controlling, if there's this many red flags a week in I'd start thinking of an exit plan

Hmm. Last night I had a pizza in the oven, she came home and she went to lie down because she was exhausted.. anyway I joined her because were both exhausted. Then we burnt the pizza oops, I still wanted to eat it but she didn’t so she put on some different food.
Whilst eating I went to sit in the dining room to eat my pizza and play a game on my phone to chill out. She was in the kitchen cooking.

She later got upset because I didn’t come into the kitchen to spend time with her.
Yet, when I was cooking pizza, she went into the bedroom to lie down…

She also got upset because I wouldn’t shower with her because I was sorting out my bags.

I just feel a bit suffocated and I genuinely don’t feel comfortable doing what I want because everything is being watched or picked apart ☹️ I just want to feel like I can do what I want (which includes spending time with her, but also decompressing!!)

I couldn't live with someone who wanted me to do everything with her and got upset 10 times a day. You sound incompatible.
She sounds like she is living in a TV show.

Oh in the first year of our marriage I used to go on sollo trips and I continue to do that 25 years later. Your GF sounds like she would collapse if you ever went away by yourself.

Anybody who tried to control me would not have been right for me. Suffocating.

I genuinely love her to bits and have a great time with her most of the time. I just want to be able to relax and not have every move watched

@dlp777 omg just split up with her. It's clearly what you want. You both sound insufferable tbh, you're 27. You should be capable of cooking a pizza. Do you spend a lot of time on your phone? Again, I get a huge sense we're getting (less than) half the story here.

She’s been very apologetic this morning and I really don’t think she means to be that way

I think you should ask MNHQ to edit your title, it's very misleading.

You are describing someone with insecurities.

Hyper vigilance is something else entirely.

She either loves you or she loves her idea of you. One will work one won't.

You are not a performing puppet and shouldn't be judged for being your self

If I were in your position, I would be ending this relationship. What you're describing is essentially emotional abuse/control by your girlfriend.

I told you earlier but you haven't acknowledged what I ans another poster said i believe your gf has borderline personality disorder google it see of it fits her. And nothing you will do is good enough I have the same condition I recognise this .
She needs therapy but if you go on YouTube great videos on it

I don't think it's abuse I just think she's clingy because she doesn't wanna lose hom but will have opposite affect hence why I believe she has borderline personality disorder

Just be firm with her and say I know uou r doing this because uou don't wanna lose me but if you keep putting pressure on me and not letting me have my own space it will suffocate me and I will walk do u understand? That's how you gotta be be firm

That’s very needy and controlling of her and it’s going to get worse. I’d be very vigilant and tell her it’s not ok every time and walk away from her. And if it continues I’d end it. Her behaviour is far from acceptable.

You sound like two kids playing house.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what you are in many respects in this situation.

There's a saying... You never know someone fully, until you live with them. You are now seeing each other in all your glory.

This is never going to work, you sound completely incompatible. You'll end up leaving at some point, and it's best done sooner rather than later. Yes you love her, and she loves you, but you need more than love in some situations, and this is one of them.

Cancel the sofa, and other stuff, and call it a day. For both your sakes.

She's apologising now but what next. If she is upset you don't shower with her she obviously has huge issues. Does she insist you have the same bed times and always eat together? Major red flags if the answer is yes. What happens when you want to meet a friend for a drink or just go for a walk or coffee alone?

If it were me I'd have to leave but if you really love her you need to talk to her, tell her she is suffocating you and you need her to back off for your own happiness. It's not your role to constantly reassure her. Also very egotistical of her to think because you are tired and quiet it has to be about her. It's like she doesn't see you are a person but as HER partner whose only function is to be her partner. Maybe suggest therapy for her. Don't do nothing, this type of thing always escalates if allowed.

It's still emotional abuse, whatever the reason. Most abusive men have disorders or issues but it doesn't excuse their behaviour. You are trying to make excuses for her because she is a woman.

That's why I believe she has borderline personality disorder because you only swe yiur own thing sometimes

I am explaining why she is doing this i am explaining that maybe she has borderline personality disorder if it was other way round i would maybe say the same thing it's up to the partner if they stay then knowing this info

Again, you're incompatible. Are you going to do anything about this, or just continue to complain about her behaviour to internet strangers?

It seems very strange that you didn't register your complete incompatibility during the five months you lived together at your place.

I don’t think you mean hypervigilant.That’s something completely different.
You don’t sound compatible, but your GF does sound insecure, and emotionally abusive or manipulative.

OP it doesn't matter how good the good times are when the bad times are suffocating. It will only get worse as this is abusive behaviour, apologies don't cut it, abusers continue to abuse without intervention.

I don't think anyone can diagnose MH in the DP of a partner writing on a forum but it is clear there are issues of some description within your relationship. If you want to try, then try and get professional help at least but do make sure you don't get too tied to each other while you are getting help because that won't help either of you at all.