To think I’m leaving having kids too late at 31 and single?

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I’m currently 31 and single, and I often hear people say that if I want kids, I should consider starting sooner rather than later. I’ve always envisioned having children, but I also want to focus on my career and personal goals first. AIBU to think that I still have plenty of time to meet the right person and start a family, or am I risking leaving it too late?

I'd like to point out to the "nearly all the good men are gone by 30" posters that - to be accurate - yeah, a lot of men are with long-term partners by 30, but how "good" all those men are is another question entirely!!

There is a suggestion that any who are not "good" end up back on the market; that's extremely naive & unrealistic. We all know women in dysfunctional, unfair and verging on abusive relationships - which are long term and do not break up.
The women just put up with it and lots of platitudes about men "just being like that" are thrown around.

Off the top of my head, I had my hair cut by a hairdresser who said about her partner and father of her kids that he would spend hundreds, if not thousands out of their relatively modest budget on designer clothes and fragrances etc for himself.
That in contrast she would much prefer to ring fence major money to spend on their sons, to see them have nice experiences. She didn't get that chance though - because he didn't give a fuck and kept spending it on himself. She concluded "it's just men though, isn't it".

I refrained from saying "no, it's not men".

That guy has had a partner since young and she has not he slightest intention of leaving him, yet he is not a "good" man.

Another one off the top of my head; re. my partners acquaintance - together with his wife from 20s or maybe even teens - she is conservative and somewhat religious, she won't attend eg Ann Summers type parties with her friends due to her principles; meanwhile my h tells me that he, on football trips, pretty much lives in strip clubs, behind her back obviously.

Another man "taken" from 20s and who has not and will not be left by his partner/wife & end up back on the market.

My acquaintance's h saw most child rearing as women's work and on one occasion- when I was visiting her, she dared to let his DD go out to hang around him while he was fixing a vehicle in their garages, he got into a car and sped off at high speed, spitting gravel everywhere in a temper. I said immediately "he must have the wee girl in the car with him, he wouldn't do that around her if she wasn't in with him, no way, would he? The DD was not in the car with him. He felt driving like that around a child, as well as showing such anger again having her out with him - was perfectly justified.
My acquaintance has not and will be er leave him. To the contrary she knocks her pan out being the main bread winner and being mother of the year.

I could list similar examples all day. And I'm sure every poster on this site could too.

So let's stop with the "all the good men are taken by 30 and only shit ones will be on the market/back on the market" schtick.

There are plenty of shit ones "taken" and not on the market too.

Obviously timeframes can't be predicted but I would allow-

2 years to actively date
2 year relationship before moving in
1 year living together before getting engaged
2 years to plan wedding

Once I was married I would be happy to start trying for kids. I wouldn't have wanted to have first kid over age of 33 so I'd have started at 25.

If you're wanting kids late thirties I'd probably start soon.

Btw my actual time line was-
27 started dating
29 met dh
31 moved in
35 got engaged
36 had baby
38 got married

Just because people had their first baby at 38-40 it doesn't mean the OP's feelings aren't valid.

40 is pretty late for a first child.

Being single is obviously a sticking point but I think if I were you I'd spend more time reflecting on whenever you really want children or just think you are supposed to have them. They're hard work and the older you get the more toll the no sleep takes.

You might be ok you might not fertility wise

Lots of women will post here saying they conceived easily in the late 30s and 40s and many will say they didn't

Depends what's important to you. Careers and personal goals .....what do they really mean if you waste the best years of your fertility and time to build a healthy loving relationship with someone and don't end up with either

It depends where you live and to some degree what sort of socio economic circle you’re in.

I know way more people having their first child at 40+ than I do under 35. I don’t know a single person in my extended family or peer group at work who had a child in their 20’s in the last couple of decades.

Having said that I do know that some in their 40’s used IVF and donors and probably more did so than I’m aware of so that has to be factored in too.

Much of it is down to logistics. Most have built very good careers and are earning really good salaries meaning a lot of them can retire while their kids are still quite young or at least afford to be a SAHM for a sustained period of time.

They will of course be much older if and when they have GC but they typically spend far more time with their own DC while they’re growing up than most parents are able to due to not having to work as much.

It’s just a different life path but equally rewarding.

Having children much older with limited financial security might be tougher though as in many cases you really do have to do and fund everything yourself as GP may well be too elderly to assist in any significant way or in many cases will be deceased before your DC is born.

I don’t regret having my DC relatively late in life at all. I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing given a second chance.

@KatieL5 lots of sweeping generalisations there that are very far from my own experiences. Are you in the SE by any chance?

I don't think so at all! I met my partner at 35 and had my first at 37, I was single for 10 years prior to meeting him as I wanted to focus on my career and moving up the property ladder and I didn't want to settle for the halfwits I kept meeting 😂 everyone in my friendship group had their first between the ages of 33-39, they're all pretty career focused too and in my neck of the woods (Birmingham), this sort of age is pretty normal!

If I were you and you can afford it I would pay for private fertility tests to try see more of a clear picture of your own timeline. I would also prioritise finding someone now and really put a lot of effort in to that.

Look it’s pretty rare to “become infertile in your 30s” (eg early menopause). As the pp said, people who have issues with fertility are likely to struggle whether at 28 or 38. If you have normal fertility you have a very good chance of being fertile throughout your 30s. Yes a higher proportion of your eggs have abnormalities so it make take a little longer, but it only takes one egg and in your 30s most women have plenty . Theres a reason why our bodies produce so many eggs- it’s to compensate for the fact that many will not be viable (even more so for men- look at data on the % of sperm that are viable in perfectly health and fertile men!). It’s not helpful to trot out data without putting it in its context.

You have plenty of time (a decade or so) to have kids provided there are no fertility issues on either side… but you can’t know that for sure ahead of time.

The real issue is this- it is harder to meet men in your thirties that want to settle down quickly, marry and have children with women the same age. Many are already settled, don’t want these things or want them with with someone ten years younger. That doesn’t make it impossible or even unlikely just more difficult. You need to be actively looking for a serious relationship, keep your standards/boundaries high and move on quickly if someone doesn’t meet them. And you need to do that whilst ensuring that you only settle with someone who wants the same things as you, is a good friend and partner and who you can genuinely love and build a loving family with. It is crucial to get that right because marrying/having a family will make your life either better or worse exponentially. You have time, but not time to waste.

Your title doesn't fit the content of the post lol. So I put YANBU to think you're leaving it too late, but then I re-read the post and actually YABU to think you have plenty of time. Just worth thinking when you look at the results.

You have some time but the decisions you make now will have a huge impact on your future opportunities to have children. You will likely want to meet someone, spend a year or so dating, maybe get engaged, married (which could take 2-3yr from meeting, easily), then TTC can take up to a year even for healthy couples, the chance of a loss is higher as you get older, and so forth. So you really do need to crack on.

I would be dating with intent. Only become exclusive with someone who explicitly wants the same things as you. Only date someone who actively wants kids within the next few years. You do have time but only to an extent now. Fertility is so precious.

How about looking for a 40-45 man? You’ll obviously find plenty of takers. Be upfront that having kids is your priority.

The downside is he’d more likely already have kids from a previous relationship. So there would be a complicated family dynamic.

Or he could be a never-married Peter Pan type who’s unlikely to ever give you a child.

I’m 32, married, and while we don’t have children together yet, I do have a stepdaughter. My husband is 44, and we’ve been having on-and-off conversations about trying for a baby over the past year. We actually delayed this year because I had to change jobs after dealing with a toxic work environment.

One of our biggest concerns is the timing. If we started trying now (though I can’t yet, as I don’t qualify for maternity), and I got pregnant right away—though that’s not guaranteed—by the time our child is 20, my husband would be 64. That’s a big part of what makes us hesitate. The thought of raising a child while aging, and the potential demands of supporting them through university or early adulthood, feels daunting. It’s all assuming we’ll stay healthy throughout, which adds another layer of uncertainty.

We know there’s bit more time to make this decision (maybe next 6/10months) and plenty of women have children later in their 30s, but for us, it’s the long-term pressures of parenting that really make us pause and think.

I met an older man who was neither of these. I was 36 and he was 46, he'd been married previously but sadly they had had losses and it never happened. He still very much wanted a family but feared the chance had passed him by, as did I. Of course his history brought its own fears and difficulties but he wasn't some Peter Pan type never committing. Meanwhile I'd had a relationship break down at 30 and struggled with online dating for years.

I was 39 when my daughter was born and were currently (I'm nearly 41) discussing whether to try for number two.

I would recommend this as a potential avenue but with the caveat that older men do not necessarily fall in to one of these two camps. I am 37 and my husband is 50. We met when we were 33 and 46. Neither of us had been married or had any children- like me, although he had had long term serious relationships it had just never been right (the right person/time/both). He is in a no way a Peter Pan type and wanted marriage and family from the outset. We are now married, with a 15 month old baby and I am pregnant with our 2nd. I don’t know if I would have found this with a man my own age- most of the men I went to school or university with are either eternal bachelors not yet ready to settle down (and pushing 40) or married off by 30. But that may be just my experience, or true of a certain demographic.