To think I’m leaving having kids too late at 31 and single?

[QuickPlayer]

I’m currently 31 and single, and I often hear people say that if I want kids, I should consider starting sooner rather than later. I’ve always envisioned having children, but I also want to focus on my career and personal goals first. AIBU to think that I still have plenty of time to meet the right person and start a family, or am I risking leaving it too late?

What that all the “ good men” are taken by 30? Please show me those statistics.

You're young, and you'll find the right man when you least expect it and you will have a baby when the time is right for you.

Me and my husband had out first baby at 36, and I'm glad because we got to live more of our life before having children.

Not too late but too late to waste time.

Basically if you don't think after the third date that you want to move in with a man within 6-12 months, bin them off. If a man is dragging his heels about moving in after 12 months, bin him off. If a man isn't proposing within 2 years, bin him off.

You don't have time to waste 6 months being super casual and another year to move in, then another 3 years for him to feel ready to think about marriage. You need someone on the same page or you'll end up 36yo and in a not-quite-good-enough relationship that you're not sure about but worried that it's your last chance to settle and have kids.

I hate how old fashioned this all sounds but if you want kids, your number 1 priority is finding a good dad for them.

This is mostly outdated and misleading info that has been debunked by Jean M Twenge in her brilliant book, ‘The Impatient Woman’s guide to getting pregnant’.
By reading her book, I conceived within 4 months (at the age of 37). I took Co-enzyme Q-10 supplements, and TTC one day before ovulation, which worked like a charm.

In reality, 94% of 25-34 year old women conceived within 1 year of TTC and 84% of 35-44 year olds conceived within 1 year so it’s not a huge difference. And for younger women the chance of pregnancy in each cycle is more like 50% and 40% for older women.

When conceiving naturally, older women are almost as fertile as younger women but with IVF, the younger you are, the better your chances are.

I think you have time. I'm 36 and in the same position and getting worried though so I'd definitely seriously look for the right guy now if I were you.

Just to add egg freezing doesn't have a very high success rate on the whole but is more effective if done before 35.

Not too late. I met my husband when I was 37 had 2 DC at 39 and 41( almost 42) with no conception problems.

None of us can tell you if you’ve left it too late, if you haven’t had a fertility check up. They can cost several hundred but they are worth it imo for women who are in their thirties, who definitely know they want (biological) children but haven’t found the right partner yet. Better to find out now if you need to freeze your eggs or potentially become a SMBC now - rather than risk getting a nasty shock in a few years time if you’ve met someone but then find out you have a low egg count for your age or other age related fertility problems.

Totally agree!

If it's a priority, I'd focus on intentional dating rather than egg freezing. Should be compatible with career goals etc as you want someone who's life fits with yours

It’s a hard question because it’s all about you as an individual. I know just as many people who have struggled with infertility in their 30s vs those who have had an easy time getting pregnant past 35.

I would say if you really want children, start working towards it.

Id also say don’t settle for a rubbish man just for kids as that isn’t ideal.

Good luck with dating x

I’d recommend a fertility check up to get an idea of your egg reserve, and taking a dedicated hobby attitude towards dating.

I had my first at 32 and I’m one of the youngest mothers I know - most had their first at 34-40.

I would say maybe 1/3 of them had not met their OH by 31. But most had. And the ones that found their OH later, made an effort to (online dating etc) - it didn’t just happen.

I don’t think you need to be hurrying to get pregnant just yet but if you want to have children in a long term relationship then you do need to be focusing on finding that relationship.

Definitely not too late. I met my DH when I was 27 and didn’t have DS until I was 43.

We spent the years developing careers and travelling the world. We didn’t even discuss the prospect of having a child until I was over 40.

I was single through choice at 31. I didn't want kids either. Da daaaa 10years later... there's dh and there's our baby who is now 25!

It isn’t too late but with every passing year people, couple up. You need some fun times and to get to know someone as well as possible. I most definitely went in to no time to waste mode at 30.That meant any bloke that it just didn’t feel right with I wasn’t going to waste time on.

Agree with this everyone is different, if you want children maybe pay for some fertility testing done.

I had my DS at 29,no problems getting pregnant but did have 3 miscarriages before him. I'm now 33 and am 5 months pregnant... Took us 3 years Dr's told us I wouldn't fall naturally and needed ivf. I did fall naturally but we were happy with just one, so weren't going down IVF route. Had I not had my son I would have mentally struggled with the thought of not having a child. We started TTC again when I was 30.

I had mine at 37 & 40, it took a few years to conceive. On the one hand, and at the time, I was glad to have had a career and be financially stable; we give our kids a good life with great holidays and latest trainers, etc. But, at 56 and with an 18 and 16 year old I deeply regret not having had them earlier. I worry I will never see my grandchildren or play an active role in their lives. If DC wait to have kids at the age I was, I’ll be 74 before my first grandchild arrives. And what if my DD ends up with one of the awful DH’s we read about daily on here and I’m dead and can’t help her?

I had my children at 32 and 36. I met my dh at 29 (literally 2 months before my 30th) only problem i had was an eptopic pregnancy at 39

The sooner the better at this point - but do it with the right partner otherwise you'll resent each other and will be raising kids in a loveless household.

Watching your kids grow is rewarding, but having them is knackering, messes up your body, negatively affects your career, disrupts the couples dynamic in your marriage for ever a decade - so it ain't a bed of roses!

Dual income, no kids is also an absolutely fine way to live

People saying that you have plenty of time are actually being quite misleading. For most people, getting pregnant in late 30s-40s is a completely different ballgame to getting pregnant in 20s-early 30s. Look at the statistics.

Well I'd be actively looking for a relationship put it that way, you just don't know how long it'll take to find a decent partner and you'll want to get to know them before having kids.

At 30 your chance of pregnancy per cycle is 20%, at 40 it’s 5%.

Per cycle stats are rather useless, I find.

At 40, there is a 44% chance a woman TTC will be pregnant within a year.

90% of women 39 and under TTC will be pregnant within two years.

More useful.

(The latter was a factoid on the NHS fertility page, not sure if it's still there. Quoting it has caused me to receive vitriolic ridicule and be called "crazy" by some posters on here. Though in fairness I think none of them was the one who argued that per cycle stats were "ever" stats for 5 pages, using bold, capitals, exclamation marks etc and then disappeared when some links were posted. Possibly a few two many vinos that evening).

Anyway op, even at 31 I think it's best to concentrate on a robust campaign to meet and build up a relationship with a decent partner.

Because it takes time to get to know someone properly, and time to build up a relationship, and time to get married (if you choose to get married, and unless you do a quick, casual.wedding) and time to TTC. During the process you may meet men whom you have to end things with, because they show you behaviours that would be very undesirable in a partner & Dad.

You have plenty of time, don’t stress. I was 39 and 40 when I had my children.

are you actively ‘leaving it’? Or have you just not met anybody yet?

You've got some time, I met DH at 34, kids early 40s 💐