AIBU to apply for 9 certificates in respect of pregnancy loss.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I am open to all view on this, but please be sensitive in your replies. I am find myself quite emotional as I write.

I am now aged 57. I have 3 children. I know that I am am so very fortunate. Along the way we endured the loss of 9 other pregnancies. 3 of them quite late on (after 12 weeks). 2 of them were "chemical". All of them were significantly mourned.

We had our DS when I was nearly 45 (having had DD1 at age 34 and DD 2 at age 37). Had any other of the pregnancies "stuck" we would have been unlikely to have had DS as we would have probably stopped at 3.

Although my pregnancy loss has not defined me, it has marked me. DH has always been supportive, but he does not mourn the losses any longer as I do; I know as I have asked him and he is fairly forthright.

I do not know what I am looking for really. As a woman who is now post menopausal and who has living children it maybe seems a bit indulgent to apply for the certificates for my 9 "lost" pregnancies. I have mentioned it to DH. He is supportive of the idea, but I clearly sense it is because he wants me to be content, rather than thinking it is a good idea in itself.

The situation is complicated by the fact that for 2 of the pregnancies I no longer have an exact date. I recall the fact of the pregnancy and the swift loss thereof, but those were over 20 years ago and not a medical event like the others, so I would have to estimate the date. I would not want to apply for certificates for some of them and not others

So my question is, AIBU to go to the trouble of applying for certificates for 9 lost pregnancies?

If it will help you, you should do it. There’s no reasonable or unreasonable about it - grief is grief.

I am sorry for your losses.

Thank you for your kind message. That is how I feel. I am still mourning the loss of my mother and an aunt who was very dear to me (like a second mother) but these losses are talked about. The pregnancy losses are not and I feel a sense of letting go if I obtain the certificates. I feel it would be helpful to me. But applying for 9 sees a lot! I fear the thought that I am somehow self indulgent.

If you think it would mean something to you then why not? The only real “trouble” involved is your own effort and time in filling out nine different forms, and if you’re happy to do that it doesn’t impact anyone else. They don’t involve any input from your GP so no impact there, and there’s no individual personally checking details, so nobody to judge.

They aren't certificates that are used for any legal purpose or anything like that so the rules and "proof" required are limited. I would apply for whatever it is that you want. That is what the scheme is for really, the mother and father.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair for the very practical response. Just what I need. I do think it would help me to go through the process. The actual fact of it would be cathartic I think.

Sorry for your loss.

I wonder how you'd feel different if you had certificates? How would it be different from you making your own form of memorial for them?

I think sometimes we do these things because we can, hoping it would make it feel better, then feel worse if it doesn't seem to make anything different.

Not telling you to do it or not, just thinking it through.

Besides your husband, who is going to know you have the certificates? If having them will bring you some peace, or in some way 'marks' the pregnancies, then I can't see any harm in applying for them.

@Haroldwilson that is a good question (as an aside I met Harold Wilson once years ago) I am not entirely sure how I would feel difffently; maybe a sense of completing something. I am quite given to organisation in my professional life and having this seems somehow complete? Not sure if that entirely ansers the question.

I have just applied for three certificates. Wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. When came down to it just filling in the forms and being acknowledged formally as a mother to those three babies felt somehow very important.

As a pp said, grief is grief. If you think it will help go for it - it’s exactly what the service is for. It definitely helped me.

Sorry for your losses💐

@MainStreetOrHighStreet DD1 would know eventually if we applied for the certificates. She already knows a bit about about our history (she is 23 and has asked). I would not hide it from DD2 or DS but they are less likely to ask.

@LimeChateau thank you so much for your comment. It means the world to me and I hope that you have found the process helpful.

I understand that other women responded to mcs very differently from me - there is no right or wrong here. I didn’t mourn mine - and I won’t be applying for certificates, but I don’t see why someone else should not do so.

Do you need a specific date? I can’t remember exact dates either, only the month and year.

I will be applying for my 3. They were much wanted babies and a very dark time in my life and I feel like I need to have something to remember them. Also I now have 2 beautiful children and they are who they are because the ones before them never came home, and eventually I’ll tell them about it and it would be nice to have that loss recognised.

I'm sorry for your so many losses.
As I understand it, you can only apply for certificates for losses that occurred in 2018 or later. It might be worth checking that out.
But do whatever you feel you need to that helps you come to terms with it. So many losses must have been devastating.

I am sorry for your losses, OP. You can only apply for certificates for baby loss that occurred from 2018 onwards.

Wow I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. It's really such a personal thing, I'm shocked it wasn't in place before in all honesty and in a way I think it should be issued automatically, having to make that choice is a burden no one should have.

I think they plan to change that later.

Apply for all of them.

There's also this that I saw recently as they've put one in the local town hall.

https://www.pointsoflight.gov.uk/postbox-to-heaven/

It changed last week. Anyone can apply for a certificate now no matter how long ago the loss was. They announced it last week because it was baby loss awareness week.

I had seven losses and no children, but I am staying well clear of this process. Mine were all 15 - 20 years ago now, so I have had time to adjust and build a very good life, and just don’t want to reopen all the feelings of that time, which feels like another life to me. It is such a very personal thing, and I think if you want to, you should apply; but I hope nobody will judge anyone like me who chooses not to as somehow not caring enough. It really isn’t that even if it might look like it to someone making another choice.

I've been feeling a bit wierd since the announcement. I have only one. I have two children. The first baby only really exists in my memory.

I don't know if a piece of paper will make it worse or better really. I'll have to explain to my daughters one day.

Really? I looked a few days ago and the website still had the 2018 cut off. I'm glad they've changed it. It seemed very cruel to finally allow this type of ackowledgement only to have a cut off point.

I find it unfathomable that 63% of people have voted that you would be unreasonable. Of course you wouldn't be. If you feel it would bring you any measure of comfort of closure, you should absolutely do it. I'm so sorry for your many losses.

I think you do what you what helps you.

I'm so very sorry for all of your losses.

I think it's a very personal thing, and while I absolutely don't feel the need to do this for myself, I think it is absolutely reasonable to apply if you feel that the certificates would be helpful and meaningful to you. They have been introduced for the benefit of those who value them, so all that matters in this situation is that it is clearly important for you to acknowledge each of the losses that you have suffered in this way.

I hope that doing so will bring you some peace and a sense that your losses have been recognised in some way.