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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to apply for 9 certificates in respect of pregnancy loss.

67 replies

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2024 17:30

I am open to all view on this, but please be sensitive in your replies. I am find myself quite emotional as I write.

I am now aged 57. I have 3 children. I know that I am am so very fortunate. Along the way we endured the loss of 9 other pregnancies. 3 of them quite late on (after 12 weeks). 2 of them were "chemical". All of them were significantly mourned.

We had our DS when I was nearly 45 (having had DD1 at age 34 and DD 2 at age 37). Had any other of the pregnancies "stuck" we would have been unlikely to have had DS as we would have probably stopped at 3.

Although my pregnancy loss has not defined me, it has marked me. DH has always been supportive, but he does not mourn the losses any longer as I do; I know as I have asked him and he is fairly forthright.

I do not know what I am looking for really. As a woman who is now post menopausal and who has living children it maybe seems a bit indulgent to apply for the certificates for my 9 "lost" pregnancies. I have mentioned it to DH. He is supportive of the idea, but I clearly sense it is because he wants me to be content, rather than thinking it is a good idea in itself.

The situation is complicated by the fact that for 2 of the pregnancies I no longer have an exact date. I recall the fact of the pregnancy and the swift loss thereof, but those were over 20 years ago and not a medical event like the others, so I would have to estimate the date. I would not want to apply for certificates for some of them and not others

So my question is, AIBU to go to the trouble of applying for certificates for 9 lost pregnancies?

OP posts:
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 14/10/2024 18:50

You are not being unreasonable.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/10/2024 18:50

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 14/10/2024 18:43

I find it unfathomable that 63% of people have voted that you would be unreasonable. Of course you wouldn't be. If you feel it would bring you any measure of comfort of closure, you should absolutely do it. I'm so sorry for your many losses.

Yeah, I was shocked by that. What could possibly be unreasonable?

Elphamouche · 14/10/2024 18:55

Fuck knows who’s voting unreasonable!

DH wants to get one for our baby, I’m not ready yet. But we will.

NowStartAgain · 14/10/2024 19:00

Personal choice. If it feels helpful to you then of course apply.

I had 3 early losses when I hadn’t yet had 12 week scans and for those I wouldn’t want a certificate myself. Like you, I don’t know exact dates anymore as it was a long time ago. I hadn’t in those situations calculated due dates or thought about names so I am not sure what the certification would say.

AddictedToBooks · 14/10/2024 19:00

C152 · 14/10/2024 18:17

I am sorry for your losses, OP. You can only apply for certificates for baby loss that occurred from 2018 onwards.

You can apply from any date now, effective from this Monday.
We applied for our eldest daughter who we lost in 1998 x

Beekeepingmum · 14/10/2024 19:08

It really doesn't matter if anyone else thinks you are reasonable or unreasonable. These are personal - if you will benefit in anyway, even if it is a small way, do it.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 14/10/2024 19:15

You do whatever you need to do OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable in applying for 9 certificates. I am really sorry for your losses, and I hope the certificates are helpful to you. You are very brave to post about this.

💐 to everyone who has suffered a loss.

Original poster
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2024 19:19

Thank you to everyone who has posted. It is the fact of opening the scheme up to include my earlier losses that has prompted this enquiry.

I am surprised at the breakdown of the voting vs the comments.

I am very grateful to everyone who has posted. And in particular to those who have been similarly affected.

OP posts:
SoiledMyselfDuringSomeTurbulence · 14/10/2024 19:21

You should do whatever you think best. If you want 9, apply for 9.

LouiseTopaz · 14/10/2024 19:21

I'm requesting a certificate, for me it's a bit of recognition that my baby existed. I found it hard having to act like nothing happened and society expects us to just move on.

SophiaCohle · 14/10/2024 19:55

Of course you would not be unreasonable. Flowers

I would very much like to apply for one for my eldest child but sadly I don't think I can, as I think I need the permission of her father who is deceased now.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/10/2024 20:01

I have thought about this, but I have not told my 2 ds and if I had the certificates they would one day find them, possibly after my death. Which I think would be very awkward.
I have a bracelet to remember them by.
I do think it is a good thing to have this option.

DoYouReally · 14/10/2024 20:16

It's no way unreasonable or indulgent at all.

Relearningbehaviour · 14/10/2024 20:22

How do you do this please?

MsTeatime · 14/10/2024 20:40

You should apply if it will help OP. Do you know how these are administered? Can you apply for the loss of a baby in multiple pregnancy where there were surviving siblings?

MyLifeMyChoices · 14/10/2024 20:46

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/10/2024 20:01

I have thought about this, but I have not told my 2 ds and if I had the certificates they would one day find them, possibly after my death. Which I think would be very awkward.
I have a bracelet to remember them by.
I do think it is a good thing to have this option.

You might decide to tell them. My child at 6 had it explained that pregnancy does not always go smoothly. I believe it is important to tell your story to those close to you and normalise these things. Only when I had an ectopic pregnancy and was open about it and my aunts were told did 2 of them talk about having had them themselves when younger. It was never discussed with their siblings at the time which is a real shame as they could have supported each other.

I am not personally keen on the certificates retrospectively, my losses were very difficult and emotional at the time but I try and view them as medical events I have moved on from. They a very real part of my history and I am not sure what I would do with a certificate.

I would like pregnancy loss recorded better as a whole moving forward and I like that it is more widely discussed and acknowledged.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/10/2024 21:23

@MyLifeMyChoices i think my perspective is that one of my dc would be pretty sure he wouldn't be here if any of the other pgs had worked - I'm not sure how he'd feel about that!
If I had dds, or if my son's experienced losses with a partner I think I might say more to them about it.

Relearningbehaviour · 14/10/2024 21:27

@SophiaCohle thank you x

mitogoshigg · 14/10/2024 21:39

If you believe it will help you then go ahead though gently, perhaps not for the chemical ones.

I'm not sure if there's guidance on how established the pregnancy needed to be. But I personally am not wanting one for my under 12 weeks one as I hadn't had medical care at that point whereas once you have had your booking in appointment it's official in my thought e

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/10/2024 22:01

mitogoshigg · 14/10/2024 21:39

If you believe it will help you then go ahead though gently, perhaps not for the chemical ones.

I'm not sure if there's guidance on how established the pregnancy needed to be. But I personally am not wanting one for my under 12 weeks one as I hadn't had medical care at that point whereas once you have had your booking in appointment it's official in my thought e

That's quite arbitrary though - I've had 6 and 8 week losses where I had had scans and seen the heart beating.

Spagettifunction · 14/10/2024 22:07

I am so sorry for your losses
i would absolutely do what’s right for you and you are right to get certificates for your babies ! 💐💐💐

Original poster
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2024 22:18

Thank you all. It’s an odd one as I have had overwhelmingly positive comments but a vote against. Anyhow….encouraged and supported by the very best that is MN I have now applied for 9 certificates on line.

Just to reassure anyone else looking at this, it’s not a problem if you don’t know the exact dates. Or indeed the date at all. Each one took me about 60 seconds to complete.

I feel…lighter somehow for doing it. A bit drained. And typing the baby names was emotionally taxing. But I am glad to have done it.

Thank you all. And particularly to those who are still mourning losses that are very acute. I hope that this thread might have been of some use to others.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 14/10/2024 22:26

Sending love OP. I had just one loss and it affected me much more deeply than I thought it could. I have a special piece of jewellery “for” that baby; it felt important to have a tangible thing to tie the memory to.