AIBU to apply for 9 certificates in respect of pregnancy loss.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I am open to all view on this, but please be sensitive in your replies. I am find myself quite emotional as I write.

I am now aged 57. I have 3 children. I know that I am am so very fortunate. Along the way we endured the loss of 9 other pregnancies. 3 of them quite late on (after 12 weeks). 2 of them were "chemical". All of them were significantly mourned.

We had our DS when I was nearly 45 (having had DD1 at age 34 and DD 2 at age 37). Had any other of the pregnancies "stuck" we would have been unlikely to have had DS as we would have probably stopped at 3.

Although my pregnancy loss has not defined me, it has marked me. DH has always been supportive, but he does not mourn the losses any longer as I do; I know as I have asked him and he is fairly forthright.

I do not know what I am looking for really. As a woman who is now post menopausal and who has living children it maybe seems a bit indulgent to apply for the certificates for my 9 "lost" pregnancies. I have mentioned it to DH. He is supportive of the idea, but I clearly sense it is because he wants me to be content, rather than thinking it is a good idea in itself.

The situation is complicated by the fact that for 2 of the pregnancies I no longer have an exact date. I recall the fact of the pregnancy and the swift loss thereof, but those were over 20 years ago and not a medical event like the others, so I would have to estimate the date. I would not want to apply for certificates for some of them and not others

So my question is, AIBU to go to the trouble of applying for certificates for 9 lost pregnancies?

Well done, OP. I hope that the certificates help you.

I’ve lost 3 babies. One was on my dad’s birthday so I remember the date but no idea re the other two. I know the year. It’s a personal thing. I don’t need certificates. I planted a scented rose in the garden for my lost babies and my twin sister and think of them when I see it. It’s what I needed, but everyone is different. There’s no right or wrong answer.

Yes you can. We didn't have a surviving twin but we had one twin who showed signs of life at birth and one that did not. We applied for a certificate for twin 1 because I wanted acknowledgement that she existed just as much as her sister.

For those questioning the process - you just enter the details yourself online. You don't need names or dates or father's permission or medical evidence. It is obviously not for everyone but if its helpful for you then I can't see how anyone could say someone is unreasonable for that.

I didn't know this was a thing. I'm so pleased you've applied for all 9. Sounds like it's what you want.

This has really thrown me if I'm honest. I've had four miscarriages along with secondary infertility and a shit load of fertility treatment, it's fucked me up quite a bit really, though I don't think my friends and family know that. I have an 8 year old and my rainbow baby sleeping next to me now. I don't know if I want these certificates. I think I don't but then I feel bad but I don't know what I'd do with them. I think happening upon them in our files with throw me. I don't know, maybe I want a piece of jewellery that somehow represents the four of them. I didn't have names for them. Sometimes I think I could just get 4 tiny dots or circles tattooed on my wrist or something. I'm not really a tattoo person. Sorry for using your thread as my therapy!

YANBU. I've had five miscarriages, one was very early, others later, and I'm going to apply as I want something that marks my babies in some way. Only one of mine made it to the scan and unfortunately they had died a week before. It's so important to be able to have something for history.

I am very moved by the comments here. I do not want to single people out but I have read every comment and really taken inspiration and strength from them. The pain of pregnancy loss is still a hidden hurt for many that endures for decades; a lifetime. Thank you all so much for contributing to this thread. I am honoured to have read the things you have shared.

Thank you @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

Thank you for starting this thread.

I was not aware of this, before I read your OP.

I've had 4 losses, along the way. One notable one was being told on Mother's Day, that our baby had no heartbeat.

I will be applying for this. It is proof, beyond my own memories, that they existed. That they were loved and wanted, and that there was hope in their futures. A little piece of their DNA will always be in my bloodstream, but this will be tangible.

Thank you, again.

Without being too outing, I was involved in the introduction of these certificates earlier this year. The idea is that they bring comfort to those who need it.

I would be disappointed if people who didn't need them were judged in any way.

I get so cross at today's society where we second guess everything because we worry what other people think.

If people don't need/want the certificate that just as valid. I haven't applied for mine yet. I may or may not do this.

Definitely not unreasonable OP. I’ve had 2 losses this past year but not sure I’m yet ready to apply for the certificate. I have a necklace with their birth flowers on instead for now.

I am glad the discussion on baby loss seems to be improving, I have felt opening up to others about it so helpful. Sorry to everyone else who has also experienced loss, it’s been the hardest thing I’ve been through

Thank you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

But just to add that you do need the other parent's permission if you want their name included on the certificate.

Thank you. I would like to think there will be no judgment, but already here there has been one post suggesting that losses before twelve weeks, or before a scan, are somehow lesser, and I don’t think creating a hierarchy of significance of loss is either the intention or very helpful - but I suspect that it will happen anyway.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for your losses.
I don't see it as at all indulgent, you're not asking for nine ice creams. Quite the opposite, you have been through difficult times and are looking to the universe to acknowledge that somehow to help you heal. Try not to see it as nine certificates; I totally agree to recognise all not some. So the decision is to get certification or not, the number shouldn't stop you. I send you all the love and support across the internet.
P s. I had a miscarriage and at the moment I feel like I won't get a certificate because I don't want to open up the wound. So everyone feels different, you're not taking certificates off anyone else.

I understand this. I had DS2 after my 3 mcs and already had DS1, but even if I hadn’t I still think I would not want to revisit that time. I’m a ‘put it behind you’ type of person, and that isn’t a very popular approach now. I kept being advised to get counselling - not for me. I too felt that others thought I was strange, but for me it was the way I got through those awful years.

I just wanted to update to say I applied for 9 certificates.

Some arrived yesterday and the remainder today. A little bizarrely I had multiple copies of most of them. I don’t know if I submitted the form in duplicate by accident or whether it’s a system glitch. But that’s just a curious point. Not an issue.

The certificates themselves are on nice quality paper and are simple and tasteful.

It was a bit overwhelming seeing the certificates all laid out. I had named them all; though only the sex of one was confirmed. So the certificates had their names on and the dates of the loss (or as close as I could get). I feel like I have done a special thing to commemorate our lost pregnancies. It feels right. Healing and cathartic. It would not be right for everyone. But although I have shed a few tears I do feel lighter somehow for having done it.

Thank you again for your kind words.

I’m so glad that it’s brought you the comfort that you sought through the process. Well done for doing it and facing the risk. Be happy.

You do what will be least painful for you. If getting those certificates will make you feel a bit better go for them. I have experienced 3 miscarriages and the last one at over 14 weeks pregnant which was horrible. I'm not bothering about getting the certificates because I know no amount of pieces of cardboard will make me feel better about it. You do what's best for you. 💐