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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP does this when I raise any point

75 replies

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:09

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but every time I raise a point with DP either their mood or something they have said which have upset me then DP brings up anything in the past to throw at me.
Is this DARVO?
I feel like I can't bring any point up because I'll be ignored and then DP will try tell me I've done something worse.
Example is we were at DP parents and they began saying how they might go part time and claim benefits and become a dosser and was really laughing about it. I sat there awkwardly because I'm part time and claim UC as I'm a single parent and have to work around DS school and childcare.
DP parents know I'm part time etc. So I just sat there awkwardly thinking "oh dp clearly thinks I'm a "dosser" ".
DP is a parent too but often has left their DC at home or got other people to pick their DD up which I don't have that support. Anyway that's just one example.
I didn't say anything whilst there because didn't want to make a scene in front of children.
I text DP when home to say how what they said upset me.
Immediately instead of acknowledging this, I've apparently not asked how DP is and I'm not caring. No apology etc.
It's this everytime I raise a point to DP about how their behaviour has upset me.

OP posts:
Tiredofthewhirring · 14/10/2024 07:11

They don't sound very nice. Ditch?

Sapphire387 · 14/10/2024 07:11

It doesn't matter if it's DARVO or not. It doesn't need a label. He doesn't listen to you and doesn't respond if you raise an issue. Not a great sign within a relationship.

WireItBackToZero · 14/10/2024 07:21

It is a basic communication failure. He should be able to talk about the issue you raised without bringing any other issue into it. Is it just you he does this with or anyone else you may have witnessed? Can you imagine if he did this at work? I bet he doesn't.

He cannot deal with any form of criticism, it is not a good sign. I would try to point out to him that he does this and his response should tell you everything you need to know, either he will realise it and start to work on it or he will bring something else up that you did and you can use that to show he did it again.

SauvignonBlonk · 14/10/2024 07:24

When someone shows you exactly who they are, believe them.
He doesn’t sounds very nice OP. I’d ditch him.

BabyCloud · 14/10/2024 07:27

I wouldn’t spend anymore time around them and I’d be very wary of him always playing the victim.

Years ago when I was going through surgery and claiming benefits for being unable to work my SIL went to town ripping people in my exact position to pieces. Except she didn’t work and lived off my brother and had been caught doing benefit fraud herself. She did it about absent fathers knowing it was me raising my child alone. I have never been the same around her and keep my distance.

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:28

WireItBackToZero · 14/10/2024 07:21

It is a basic communication failure. He should be able to talk about the issue you raised without bringing any other issue into it. Is it just you he does this with or anyone else you may have witnessed? Can you imagine if he did this at work? I bet he doesn't.

He cannot deal with any form of criticism, it is not a good sign. I would try to point out to him that he does this and his response should tell you everything you need to know, either he will realise it and start to work on it or he will bring something else up that you did and you can use that to show he did it again.

I did bring it up last night and I was met with silence. He hasn't done the silent treatment for a few years now because I called him out on that too and said its not kind to just not speak to someone when they raise an issue or they are upset

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndI · 14/10/2024 07:29

Ick, I'd be leaving him. He sounds like one of those can't go against what mummy says type blokes. 🤢

tuvamoodyson · 14/10/2024 07:29

Why are you with him?

Lifeisarealchallenge · 14/10/2024 07:31

Well his parents sound unpleasant people so it's no surprise he is like he is and can't take criticism.
I don't see how you can have a good relationship with someone who doesn't stand your corner and who refuses to have proper discussions about legitimate concerns and who turns things into pointing out your faults.
It will wear down your self esteem and I can't see happiness in such a relationship.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2024 07:37

I can't see this relationship working either, well unless you keep all your slightly negative feelings to yourself and never discuss anything that upsets you or that you want to improve on. It's normal to be upset when people basically laugh and look down at 'people like you' and normal to talk to your partner about it

It is likely to be an engrained defence mechanism from when he was young so it's unlikely he can change without acknowledging there is an issue and putting in a serious amount of work, preferably with a counsellor

I'm assuming here that you criticise him a 'normal'amount, about things that matter (eg not just the way he loads the dishwasher or something)

WireItBackToZero · 14/10/2024 07:49

Well silent treatment is abusive. If he needs time to process his thoughts and comes back to talk to you about the issue you raised then that is okay, completely refusing to talk is not okay because it doesn't get resolved. Silent treatment/sulking is a controlling, don't upset me or I won't acknowledge you for x number of hours or days.

What positives does he bring to your life? Because from the two posts you did he does not sound great at all. If you were my friend I would be telling you that you deserve better.

GrazingLamb · 14/10/2024 07:51

Would it not be an easier, better, happier life to be single?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/10/2024 07:52

He doesn't sound like he has a nice personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to be intimate with someone like this. Why on earth would you stay with someone who is so disrespectful and emotionally abusive?

Get your ducks in a row OP and leave.

FWIW I had an ex like this, and it wore down my self confidence and understanding of my own behaviour. I started to question whether I was in the wrong or not.

It was only when I had a light bulb moment that he wasn't ever questioning whether he was in the wrong, just happy to blame me for everything, that I realised this was not an equal partnership. I am not the source of all problems in the world. Far from it. I've been happier since I left.

mumda · 14/10/2024 07:58

Dump him.

You do not need nonsense like that in your life.

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:58

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/10/2024 07:52

He doesn't sound like he has a nice personality, and I certainly wouldn't want to be intimate with someone like this. Why on earth would you stay with someone who is so disrespectful and emotionally abusive?

Get your ducks in a row OP and leave.

FWIW I had an ex like this, and it wore down my self confidence and understanding of my own behaviour. I started to question whether I was in the wrong or not.

It was only when I had a light bulb moment that he wasn't ever questioning whether he was in the wrong, just happy to blame me for everything, that I realised this was not an equal partnership. I am not the source of all problems in the world. Far from it. I've been happier since I left.

And this is what's happening. I'm questioning myself. I've been in a few previous abusive relationships. They were more obvious though and more severe so its confusing.
We haven't been intimate for months and sometimes feel like I'm more a friend that a partner. DP fell out with his best friend and they spoke every day and I feel like I've just replaced best friend

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndI · 14/10/2024 08:13

@Cinnabun10 do you live with him? Why are you with him? Falling out with his best friend, silence treating his partner, allowing his parents to slag you off in front of you... he sounds awful.

Fourtyfyve · 14/10/2024 08:19

Looks like you don't live with him. I'd definitely keep it that way if so.
Fwiw, i brought up something with DH that's been upsetting me about his behaviour, and he apologised at the time, then he reflected on it for a while and apologised again. And he hasn't done it since. I try to be the same with him too. Normal adult behaviour and all that.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/10/2024 08:26

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:58

And this is what's happening. I'm questioning myself. I've been in a few previous abusive relationships. They were more obvious though and more severe so its confusing.
We haven't been intimate for months and sometimes feel like I'm more a friend that a partner. DP fell out with his best friend and they spoke every day and I feel like I've just replaced best friend

Show quote history

Someone who loves you truly wouldn't make you feel like this.

They would listen to you, and they would also come to you in a healthy and respectful manner if they needed to address something with you. There would be compromise. Nobody would feel like they need to walk on eggshells or like they're some evil sleeper agent in their own body.

You deserve real love. Bin this one. He's gone rotten.

AutumnFroglets · 14/10/2024 08:34

I've been in a few previous abusive relationships. They were more obvious though and more severe so its confusing.

It's starting to become well known that you have a higher chance of going into another abusive relationship if you've already had one before due to your boundaries being smashed and your self worth eroded. If you have had several already then you are never going to notice the red flags and boundary-pushers. Just because he is less (or different) abusive to your previous boyfriends doesn't make him okay as a partner, he's still not good enough.

A person who never apologises or accepts responsibility for their actions is never a decent person to be around. Let him go, work on your self worth and do The Freedom Programme to help you have a healthy relationship in the future.

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 16:49

MeMyCatsAndI · 14/10/2024 08:13

@Cinnabun10 do you live with him? Why are you with him? Falling out with his best friend, silence treating his partner, allowing his parents to slag you off in front of you... he sounds awful.

No I don't live with him. It was him saying about being a dosser and his parents. They were just there when he said it

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 16:52

AutumnFroglets · 14/10/2024 08:34

I've been in a few previous abusive relationships. They were more obvious though and more severe so its confusing.

It's starting to become well known that you have a higher chance of going into another abusive relationship if you've already had one before due to your boundaries being smashed and your self worth eroded. If you have had several already then you are never going to notice the red flags and boundary-pushers. Just because he is less (or different) abusive to your previous boyfriends doesn't make him okay as a partner, he's still not good enough.

A person who never apologises or accepts responsibility for their actions is never a decent person to be around. Let him go, work on your self worth and do The Freedom Programme to help you have a healthy relationship in the future.

Thank you. I've done many programmes and had years worth of counselling to deal with my unhealthy parents relationship that was modelled to me. I've spoken about my past relationships and I know why the pattern repeats.
The relationship was good (which I know can be a cycle) but recently over the past year there has been more bad than good.
But it's not extremely bad so then I get confused if it's "that bad" and I'm being sensitive or making something out of nothing.
It really messes with your head

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 14/10/2024 18:03

I can understand how much it can mess you up and I'm sorry this is happening to you again. There is a book that others have recommended but I've not personally read, perhaps you can get it from your local library and see if it helps?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 18:42

AutumnFroglets · 14/10/2024 18:03

I can understand how much it can mess you up and I'm sorry this is happening to you again. There is a book that others have recommended but I've not personally read, perhaps you can get it from your local library and see if it helps?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

Thank you for the recommendation.

I just received a text back apparently that's not how the conversation went and her dad said it and then he was mocking himself. That's not how it happened. He's trying to gaslight me. Still no apology that he upset me.

Then he's saying about some money stuff saying I said I was going to save for a holiday but now I've brought new jeans and a heated airer. Not that I need to justify myself but all my other jeans had holes in them and were very old and I needed something to dry my washing in winter and not create mould. So now I'm getting that thrown in my face.

And now its my fault because I haven't asked about something about him that he's worried about but last time I asked I got told not to talk about it because he didn't want to talk about it at night time.

I feel like I can't win

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 14/10/2024 18:57

Find out where your nearest waste recycling centre is. Drop man there.

Cloverforever · 14/10/2024 19:14

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 18:42

Thank you for the recommendation.

I just received a text back apparently that's not how the conversation went and her dad said it and then he was mocking himself. That's not how it happened. He's trying to gaslight me. Still no apology that he upset me.

Then he's saying about some money stuff saying I said I was going to save for a holiday but now I've brought new jeans and a heated airer. Not that I need to justify myself but all my other jeans had holes in them and were very old and I needed something to dry my washing in winter and not create mould. So now I'm getting that thrown in my face.

And now its my fault because I haven't asked about something about him that he's worried about but last time I asked I got told not to talk about it because he didn't want to talk about it at night time.

I feel like I can't win

Show quote history

You can't win because he won't let you. He is a piece of shit who doesn't deserve you. You really need to get rid of him sooner rather than later.