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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP does this when I raise any point

75 replies

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:09

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but every time I raise a point with DP either their mood or something they have said which have upset me then DP brings up anything in the past to throw at me.
Is this DARVO?
I feel like I can't bring any point up because I'll be ignored and then DP will try tell me I've done something worse.
Example is we were at DP parents and they began saying how they might go part time and claim benefits and become a dosser and was really laughing about it. I sat there awkwardly because I'm part time and claim UC as I'm a single parent and have to work around DS school and childcare.
DP parents know I'm part time etc. So I just sat there awkwardly thinking "oh dp clearly thinks I'm a "dosser" ".
DP is a parent too but often has left their DC at home or got other people to pick their DD up which I don't have that support. Anyway that's just one example.
I didn't say anything whilst there because didn't want to make a scene in front of children.
I text DP when home to say how what they said upset me.
Immediately instead of acknowledging this, I've apparently not asked how DP is and I'm not caring. No apology etc.
It's this everytime I raise a point to DP about how their behaviour has upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 20:46

I know I should have left a while ago. I don't know why I'm finding it hard to end it

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 15/10/2024 16:03

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 20:46

I know I should have left a while ago. I don't know why I'm finding it hard to end it

That is the million dollar question and it's mostly due to the erosion of your self esteem and worth. Have you looked at the freedom programme, it's designed specifically for future/partners rather than the parental/child one which you say you've had therapy for.

Perhaps do the self help tricks that are out there - look in the mirror and tell yourself you are awesome and deserve better. Keep repeating multiple times a day, every day until YOU BELIEVE. Add on one thing that you like/feel good about yourself. Anything will do - like the colour of your eyes to your ability to cut a straight hedge to having a random dog wag his tail at you. Anything.

And stop texting him. Respond to his texts with short sentences or say you are a bit busy for a few days so won't be texting. You need to break the cycle of picking up your phone and mindlessly chatting, keep it all inside/written down and speak after a week. Treat your phone as you would a packet of cigarettes, avoid it.

And ask yourself how lonely you feel. Would you be be with him if you had at least one good friend/group of hobby acquaintances? If not then start looking around to fill that time and space elsewhere.

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 15/10/2024 20:04

AutumnFroglets · 15/10/2024 16:03

That is the million dollar question and it's mostly due to the erosion of your self esteem and worth. Have you looked at the freedom programme, it's designed specifically for future/partners rather than the parental/child one which you say you've had therapy for.

Perhaps do the self help tricks that are out there - look in the mirror and tell yourself you are awesome and deserve better. Keep repeating multiple times a day, every day until YOU BELIEVE. Add on one thing that you like/feel good about yourself. Anything will do - like the colour of your eyes to your ability to cut a straight hedge to having a random dog wag his tail at you. Anything.

And stop texting him. Respond to his texts with short sentences or say you are a bit busy for a few days so won't be texting. You need to break the cycle of picking up your phone and mindlessly chatting, keep it all inside/written down and speak after a week. Treat your phone as you would a packet of cigarettes, avoid it.

And ask yourself how lonely you feel. Would you be be with him if you had at least one good friend/group of hobby acquaintances? If not then start looking around to fill that time and space elsewhere.

Show quote history

Thank you that's a really good/helpful post. I have kind of let myself go recently and not really cared about myself. I used to take pride in my appearance. Whilst this relationship has been grinding me down so had my child's dad. Its just been alot and I guess my self esteem is low.

I contacted a domestic abuse charity and it helped writing it down in the online chat.

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/10/2024 21:00

Cinnabun10 · 15/10/2024 20:04

Thank you that's a really good/helpful post. I have kind of let myself go recently and not really cared about myself. I used to take pride in my appearance. Whilst this relationship has been grinding me down so had my child's dad. Its just been alot and I guess my self esteem is low.

I contacted a domestic abuse charity and it helped writing it down in the online chat.

Show quote history

That's a really big step and you should know that even though you feel like you've been letting yourself go, that was a massive act of self love and self care to contact them and to be vulnerable about it online.

I am sending you strong vibes, but you only need to keep loving yourself enough to know you deserve better and you've got the power to get it too.

AutumnFroglets · 15/10/2024 23:29

I contacted a domestic abuse charity and it helped writing it down in the online chat.

That's a really big step so well done you! Keep plodding on and eventually you will find yourself on the other side Flowers

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 16/10/2024 09:22

I've had a text this morning saying sorry if you were offended by what I said. I don't really feel this is an apology. More of a said what I said and it's your problem if you were offended. Is that how it would seem to others?

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/10/2024 18:30

Cinnabun10 · 16/10/2024 09:22

I've had a text this morning saying sorry if you were offended by what I said. I don't really feel this is an apology. More of a said what I said and it's your problem if you were offended. Is that how it would seem to others?

It's a complete non-apology but even if he had offered heartfelt apology I wouldn't be accepting it.

He is using the apology to make you question if your reactions are valid. They are. He isn't remorseful. He would repeat his behaviour if he could get away with it and therefore it's insincere.

I would tell him this isn't working and block him. If he has keys, get your locks changed.

Lotsofsnacks · 16/10/2024 19:22

Come on OP does it matter what it seems to others? We can see he’s an absolute arse and you are far too good for him. He’s definitely not a keeper, please just be single, take your time and find the nice guy you deserve, not playing mind games with this loser

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 16/10/2024 20:07

I'm feeling anger atm but it's beginning to disappear and then that's when I wobble and worry about leaving. When I feel worried about being alone. Worried for the unknown and getting a worse partner in the future

OP posts:
GrazingLamb · 16/10/2024 20:56

getting a worse partner in the future

You don’t have to have a partner.

Coalsy · 16/10/2024 21:01

He's awful OP, really awful.
How can you move on if you stay with an horrible person?
You deserve better.

AutumnFroglets · 16/10/2024 22:20

When I feel worried about being alone.
Make new friends or rekindle old ones. Find a sociable hobby or knit/natter type groups or even a self help or DIY class. Have a look online at your library or council websites.

Worried for the unknown
The fear of the unknown is usually far greater than the fear of it when it happens. The usual response is "was that it??" Work out what the worry is about - not knowing how to fix jobs/DIY, not knowing what to do if you are ill for a couple of weeks or something else - and then make a plan for each scenario. Confront your fear head on.

and getting a worse partner in the future
You don't need a partner. You can be single. Or have a FWB. Or just have a boyfriend that you only see a couple of times a week. Before you go into another relationship please strengthen those boundaries properly so you can see the red flags earlier AND have the ability to let go straight away. You might have had loads of therapy already, you might have come a long way with it, but you are not there yet.

BTW - have you spoken to your GP about the level of anxiety you have about this? I wonder if they could recommend something short term to help you over this bit. You need to start investing in yourself and not in a man.

TashaTudor · 16/10/2024 22:24

Cinnabun10 · 14/10/2024 07:09

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but every time I raise a point with DP either their mood or something they have said which have upset me then DP brings up anything in the past to throw at me.
Is this DARVO?
I feel like I can't bring any point up because I'll be ignored and then DP will try tell me I've done something worse.
Example is we were at DP parents and they began saying how they might go part time and claim benefits and become a dosser and was really laughing about it. I sat there awkwardly because I'm part time and claim UC as I'm a single parent and have to work around DS school and childcare.
DP parents know I'm part time etc. So I just sat there awkwardly thinking "oh dp clearly thinks I'm a "dosser" ".
DP is a parent too but often has left their DC at home or got other people to pick their DD up which I don't have that support. Anyway that's just one example.
I didn't say anything whilst there because didn't want to make a scene in front of children.
I text DP when home to say how what they said upset me.
Immediately instead of acknowledging this, I've apparently not asked how DP is and I'm not caring. No apology etc.
It's this everytime I raise a point to DP about how their behaviour has upset me.

You've had a partner for years but are a single parent? What is darvo?
I think feeling single and without support is enough to leave without all the extra crap

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/10/2024 23:19

Look up logical fallacies and straw man arguments

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 17/10/2024 06:17

AutumnFroglets · 16/10/2024 22:20

When I feel worried about being alone.
Make new friends or rekindle old ones. Find a sociable hobby or knit/natter type groups or even a self help or DIY class. Have a look online at your library or council websites.

Worried for the unknown
The fear of the unknown is usually far greater than the fear of it when it happens. The usual response is "was that it??" Work out what the worry is about - not knowing how to fix jobs/DIY, not knowing what to do if you are ill for a couple of weeks or something else - and then make a plan for each scenario. Confront your fear head on.

and getting a worse partner in the future
You don't need a partner. You can be single. Or have a FWB. Or just have a boyfriend that you only see a couple of times a week. Before you go into another relationship please strengthen those boundaries properly so you can see the red flags earlier AND have the ability to let go straight away. You might have had loads of therapy already, you might have come a long way with it, but you are not there yet.

BTW - have you spoken to your GP about the level of anxiety you have about this? I wonder if they could recommend something short term to help you over this bit. You need to start investing in yourself and not in a man.

Edited

Thanks. No I haven't. I don't feel like my anxiety is that bad tbh. Its been so much worse in the past. I feel like I have been quite low recently and isolating myself from others and not doing the hobbies I usually enjoy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 17/10/2024 06:19

TashaTudor · 16/10/2024 22:24

You've had a partner for years but are a single parent? What is darvo?
I think feeling single and without support is enough to leave without all the extra crap

Show quote history

Yes DP isn't my child's parent. We live in separate homes. I am a single parent still. DARVO is deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 17/10/2024 20:04

Find writing on here helpful.
Today I realised I felt happier. Less on edge, less under pressure. Now I've made a decision about not going on the holiday as I can't afford it, the weight has lifted. I didn't realise how much stress it was putting me under. I wonder if DP realised it was trapping me and not letting me able to have a life by constantly saving.

I haven't shed any tears. We haven't spoke in 4 days now. I don't actually feel that sad atm. I've arranged to see family tomorrow night and friends Saturday night. Trying to keep busy but also have some me time.

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 17/10/2024 20:27

Cinnabun10 · 17/10/2024 20:04

Find writing on here helpful.
Today I realised I felt happier. Less on edge, less under pressure. Now I've made a decision about not going on the holiday as I can't afford it, the weight has lifted. I didn't realise how much stress it was putting me under. I wonder if DP realised it was trapping me and not letting me able to have a life by constantly saving.

I haven't shed any tears. We haven't spoke in 4 days now. I don't actually feel that sad atm. I've arranged to see family tomorrow night and friends Saturday night. Trying to keep busy but also have some me time.

If someone's absence brings you peace then they were never meant to be there in the first place.

Sending lots of love to you.

MuggleMe · 17/10/2024 20:45

At work I've been learning about domestic abuse and specifically coercive control. It's a pattern of control, tiny things add up, you feel like you're walking on eggshells and you second guess your own decisions because you're worried about what he might say or do. It's illegal and not ok.

AutumnFroglets · 18/10/2024 08:22

Today I realised I felt happier. Less on edge, less under pressure.
Even if you get back together, do not go back to the same dynamics. Change your boundaries, insist your needs are met too, and that he listens. But ...

We haven't spoke in 4 days now. I don't actually feel that sad atm
Says it all really.

Coalsy · 18/10/2024 08:59

OP, he sounds awful and you sound bullied, belittled and ground down.
That you are avoiding things you enjoy speaks to low mood.
He has absolutely dragged you down.
Well done re the holiday.
A holiday is not worth it IMO if it means stress paying for it.
Be wary of men who control you by putting you in such a situation.
I really hope you hang on to this feeling and keep writing down more examples of his toxicity and staybthe hell away from him.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 18/10/2024 09:03

Can you not just dump him? You don't live together, don't like each other and don't have sex, he's just some bloke you argue with.

Original poster
Cinnabun10 · 19/10/2024 07:52

Coalsy · 18/10/2024 08:59

OP, he sounds awful and you sound bullied, belittled and ground down.
That you are avoiding things you enjoy speaks to low mood.
He has absolutely dragged you down.
Well done re the holiday.
A holiday is not worth it IMO if it means stress paying for it.
Be wary of men who control you by putting you in such a situation.
I really hope you hang on to this feeling and keep writing down more examples of his toxicity and staybthe hell away from him.

Thanks. I went out for food and drinks with my sister yesterday. Last time I did that I can't even remember. It was nice.
He had an appointment yesterday which I knew he was worried about so I just asked how it went. Instead of I'm fine, it's all OK. I got some reply saying I'm OK, it was difficult. I feel like the victim card is coming out again.
When I've brought up stuff before either I get attack for doing this and that or he says how ill he is or tired he is to deflect from talking about an issue

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 19/10/2024 07:56

Stop wasting your life with him op, he sounds horrible.

AutumnFroglets · 19/10/2024 08:04

He had an appointment yesterday which I knew he was worried about so I just asked how it went.
That was kind of you. Stupid, but kind. Now be kind to yourself and stop communicating with him. He adds nothing of value to your life but he does drain it. Only you can stop this so find a way. I was going to say find a way that you are comfortable with but I've realised you will never feel comfortable ending this relationship. So feel uncomfortable for 5 minutes and end it (or block) instead of being unhappy for months or years to come.

Stop sabotaging your life.