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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be doing something for my sons now ex

75 replies

hillsaryy · 14/10/2024 05:12

My son is 23, he and his ex had been together for 2 years, they broke up in the past week. His ex isn’t British, her family live in her home country and while she has 3 very close friends that’s the extent of it.
This last week has been really hard, they broke up as my son cheated on her, very drunk on a night out but he knows that’s no excuse. He has come home to stay and has been really honest with me (he’s never done this before, usually I don’t have any idea what he’s feeling!). He’s feeling incredibly low and has even told me that he has had thoughts of hurting himself. Obviously it’s on him for cheating and natural consequences are a break up and he’s adult so can very much deal with his own actions but I know break ups hurt and no mother likes to see their child suffering.
Today my daughter went to see his ex, she is like family to us and has such little support. Daughter told me (not my son) that his ex seems to be really struggling. She has always had issues she’s been battling, historic eating disorder, difficult relationship with family etc. So I’m sure this isn’t helping.
Tonight my daughter woke me up asking if I could drive her to the exes house as she had been on the phone all night sobbing and throwing up and she was worried.
I decided not to go in but now I’m home and I’m thinking should I be doing something? Not my place?
Her own mum passed away when she was little and she has little/no relationship with her dad and step mum and they are back in her home country anyway.
She is such a lovely beautiful girl and Im quite mad at my son for cheating (and to make it worse leaving his ex sitting up all night wondering where he was after he promised he’d go back to hers after his night out, had her worried, me worried as she’d messaged to see if he had contacted me and he was actually with another girl). However I’m just not sure if it’s my place to do anything? Do I take her out for coffee? Drop off a little care package? Just send a message saying I’m there if she needs me? Back off and focus on my son who while its own fault is also struggling massively?
Part of me wants to believe they will get back together soon and everything will be okay but right now it’s so hard to see both of them struggling so much.

So would I be unreasonable to do something for her?

OP posts:
floorchid · 14/10/2024 05:17

I would.

5475878237NC · 14/10/2024 05:17

Whose place is it then? I would absolutely message her to say I'm so sorry this has happened to her and that you'll be dropping off a little something to let her know you're thinking of her. A care package is a lovely gesture.

I would be happy to meet with her for a coffee if you've had that kind of relationship before but otherwise wouldn't start it now.

TossedSaladandSE · 14/10/2024 05:20

I wouldn't get involved at all

They need to navigate this themselves

floorchid · 14/10/2024 05:23

My son had a girlfriend who was a bit of a lost soul. No relationship with her mother, and her father was a horrible knobhead. When they broke up, I did check in on her. Our situation was different, but the bottom line was that she was a nice girl who had sat at our table often enough that I wasn't going to dump her and go no contact, regardless of what had happened between her and my son.

Original poster
hillsaryy · 14/10/2024 05:23

TossedSaladandSE · 14/10/2024 05:20

I wouldn't get involved at all

They need to navigate this themselves

I agree they need to navigate the relationship based decisions themselves but I’m not sure they need to handle the pain/heartache alone. Especially not when one is telling he wants to hurt himself and is scared and the other is crying to the point of throwing up?

OP posts:
orangegato · 14/10/2024 05:50

Be there for her please. She’s a human irrespective of your son. My mum is very close to her ex in laws 30 years later.

Round3HereWeGo · 14/10/2024 05:55

Your responsibly is to your son, but in this case id ask him if he was okay with me supporting her and, assuming he is okay with it, I would help her

HPenthusiast · 14/10/2024 05:57

Speaking as someone who got cheated on after 18 years together and my mother in law not really showing any support for my wellbeing, I think it would be nice to check in on her and let her know she has your friendship if she needs it. Obviously your son comes first but I’m sure he would also want her to not be alone 😊 I hope all involved are ok.

ZekeZeke · 14/10/2024 06:03

I would check on her as I would anyone struggling with no support, but don't get involved in the details.

Also bear in mind they may reconcile and if they do she will remember how supportive you were.

LittleshopofTriffids · 14/10/2024 06:04

What you can do for her is the same as what you could do for any of your children’s close friends.
Go and see her. Reassure her it’s not her fault this happened. If she asks what she should do, that’s when you tell her you can’t make that decision for her. But you can check she’s been eating. Make her a cup of tea. Gently push her back to work or study it she’s needed a couple of days off to come to terms with it. Tell her she’s smart, capable and beautiful and that she has lots of options in life.

offyoujollywelltrot · 14/10/2024 06:05

Absolutely reach out to help her. Poor thing must be feeling utterly devastated. Your son should be ashamed of himself.

Justsayit123 · 14/10/2024 06:05

Their relationship clearly isn’t working so they shouldn’t get back together.

Hayley1256 · 14/10/2024 06:07

I would offer her some support but I would speak to your son about it first. Just say something like as she has no family around you want to check in with her to make sure she is OK

ahemfem · 14/10/2024 06:12

5475878237NC · 14/10/2024 05:17

Whose place is it then? I would absolutely message her to say I'm so sorry this has happened to her and that you'll be dropping off a little something to let her know you're thinking of her. A care package is a lovely gesture.

I would be happy to meet with her for a coffee if you've had that kind of relationship before but otherwise wouldn't start it now.

Edited

I agree with this. When you meet/speak with her though your aim should be to find someone else in her support network she can eventually lean on. You mention 3 very close friends, it may be they can help?

ahemfem · 14/10/2024 06:13

ZekeZeke · 14/10/2024 06:03

I would check on her as I would anyone struggling with no support, but don't get involved in the details.

Also bear in mind they may reconcile and if they do she will remember how supportive you were.

I wouldn't be encouraging that, he cheated on her

Sjdjb · 14/10/2024 06:17

Yes. Absolutely. I’d probably send something via your daughter though. They’ve already met up and will be similar age. Drop her off with chocolates or something you know she likes.
Message to say you’re so sorry your son has been such an idiot, you hope she’s OK and does she need anything. Get your daughter to pass on the message that you’re there to support her but makes it less awkward for ex GF if she doesn’t want to actually see you.

pilates · 14/10/2024 06:18

I would run it past your son first of your intentions and if he is as you have described I’m sure he will not mind this. She was part of your family life for 2 years. Your DD sounds lovely too.

Zanatdy · 14/10/2024 06:18

Yes, i’d send her a text and send a care package. Just because they’ve split doesn’t mean you don’t care about her anymore. What a mess, hopefully its a lesson for your son about the consequences of cheating.

lololulu · 14/10/2024 06:19

I would have messaged her straight away.

My brothers gf isn't English and has no family here and if they have a fall out (not often and no cheating) I always message her.

lololulu · 14/10/2024 06:22

Especially not when one is telling he wants to hurt himself and is scared

  • Now he knows the consequences of cheating.
Was it a kiss or sex?
Chaseandstatus · 14/10/2024 06:30

It depends how much emotional energy you have to share. I am currently supporting that many friends and family through various things I would really struggle to add another person, so given that she has 3 friends and your daughter, I would not do much more than send a text.

Original poster
hillsaryy · 14/10/2024 06:30

lololulu · 14/10/2024 06:22

Especially not when one is telling he wants to hurt himself and is scared

  • Now he knows the consequences of cheating.
Was it a kiss or sex?

Oh no absolutely agree that this is the consequences of his own actions, obviously even then I don’t want him to hurt himself!

He went back to this other girls but says he didn’t sleep with her, but they “made out and stuff”. He then says realised pretty quickly that he was being an idiot, got a cab to his now exs and told her everything.

She has been cheated on by her ex before my son (crazy as she’s a lovely, smart, stunning girl! What more do these men want!!) had made it clear that any physical or emotional cheating was a no so it’s not shocking they have split up.

He has absolutely learned the hard way the consequences of his own actions and his ex is of the opinion right now that a drunken kiss in a club might have been forgivable but going back to someone else’s while she is waiting up for him is totally unacceptable. I agree but would obviously love to keep her in the family as she is great and we all love her so there is definitely a part of me that hopes they find a way through it.

OP posts:
Teateaa · 14/10/2024 06:38

there is definitely a part of me that hopes they find a way through it

It would be healthier for your son's ex to go to her GP and ask for a referral to an eating disorder clinic. They'll help her heal from her ED and gain weight and also provide therapy for her psychological issues. She needs to stay single and heal. I don't think it would be healthy for them to get back together because both of them sound mentally unwell. No judgement because I struggled in my late teens.

ahemfem · 14/10/2024 06:39

lololulu · 14/10/2024 06:22

Especially not when one is telling he wants to hurt himself and is scared

  • Now he knows the consequences of cheating.
Was it a kiss or sex?

Does it even matter how he cheated?

ahemfem · 14/10/2024 06:40

hillsaryy · 14/10/2024 06:30

Oh no absolutely agree that this is the consequences of his own actions, obviously even then I don’t want him to hurt himself!

He went back to this other girls but says he didn’t sleep with her, but they “made out and stuff”. He then says realised pretty quickly that he was being an idiot, got a cab to his now exs and told her everything.

She has been cheated on by her ex before my son (crazy as she’s a lovely, smart, stunning girl! What more do these men want!!) had made it clear that any physical or emotional cheating was a no so it’s not shocking they have split up.

He has absolutely learned the hard way the consequences of his own actions and his ex is of the opinion right now that a drunken kiss in a club might have been forgivable but going back to someone else’s while she is waiting up for him is totally unacceptable. I agree but would obviously love to keep her in the family as she is great and we all love her so there is definitely a part of me that hopes they find a way through it.

Show quote history

I've changed my mind. I don't think it's healthy for you to get to involved at all you clearly have an agenda to get them back together and not her best interests at heart.

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