Should I be doing something for my sons now ex

[hillsaryy]

My son is 23, he and his ex had been together for 2 years, they broke up in the past week. His ex isn’t British, her family live in her home country and while she has 3 very close friends that’s the extent of it.
This last week has been really hard, they broke up as my son cheated on her, very drunk on a night out but he knows that’s no excuse. He has come home to stay and has been really honest with me (he’s never done this before, usually I don’t have any idea what he’s feeling!). He’s feeling incredibly low and has even told me that he has had thoughts of hurting himself. Obviously it’s on him for cheating and natural consequences are a break up and he’s adult so can very much deal with his own actions but I know break ups hurt and no mother likes to see their child suffering.
Today my daughter went to see his ex, she is like family to us and has such little support. Daughter told me (not my son) that his ex seems to be really struggling. She has always had issues she’s been battling, historic eating disorder, difficult relationship with family etc. So I’m sure this isn’t helping.
Tonight my daughter woke me up asking if I could drive her to the exes house as she had been on the phone all night sobbing and throwing up and she was worried.
I decided not to go in but now I’m home and I’m thinking should I be doing something? Not my place?
Her own mum passed away when she was little and she has little/no relationship with her dad and step mum and they are back in her home country anyway.
She is such a lovely beautiful girl and Im quite mad at my son for cheating (and to make it worse leaving his ex sitting up all night wondering where he was after he promised he’d go back to hers after his night out, had her worried, me worried as she’d messaged to see if he had contacted me and he was actually with another girl). However I’m just not sure if it’s my place to do anything? Do I take her out for coffee? Drop off a little care package? Just send a message saying I’m there if she needs me? Back off and focus on my son who while its own fault is also struggling massively?
Part of me wants to believe they will get back together soon and everything will be okay but right now it’s so hard to see both of them struggling so much.

So would I be unreasonable to do something for her?

She has been cheated on by her ex before my son (crazy as she’s a lovely, smart, stunning girl! What more do these men want!!)

Cheating can never be condoned but I suspect that young men may be ill equipped to deal with her emotional issues and it’s manifested this way. It sounds like she’s lacking in professional support

Care package definitely.

They're so young and it may not be they get back together, however without her own mum any future MiL she has could be like gold to her.
If you show her kindness then with hope she'll learn that she should always be treated with respect and kindness from her future MiL.
I have lads and I always hope when their ex girlfriends go on to other relationships if they end up with toxic mils they stop and think, "Lauren wouldn't have treated me like that" and it sets a precedent for being treated well and having boundaries respected etc. They are women and humans in their own right, not vessels to make my sons happy or bare me grandchildren one day, how my exes mothers treated me and how we see 100s of women treated here per week.
Definitely something kind as a gesture, Chocolates or something to show she's in your thoughts.

I hope your son is alright, it's scary watching our kids go through heartbreak, even if it's his fault, he's done something immature and stupid and the consequences are awful for him as well.

Hugs to you OP x

I would meet her and talk about getting her some mental health support. Please don't leave her to struggle on her own. She will feel better as time goes on but her mental health being this bad and her being alone really worries me. Your son has his family around him and should understand you giving her this kind of support.

I would tell your son that for a woman worth having, a drunken kiss would also mean he’s out on his ear. And the ‘we only…’ sentences - do him a huge favour, hold up your hand and laugh at that and say no, don’t bother to finish that sentence. Ask him what he’d think if his partner told him that she’d gone back to a man’s house and had been unfaithful with him, but hey, they ‘only’ did xyz? Doesn’t matter, because once the trust has gone it’s all the same - ‘making out’ to full sex, you’ll never know what the truth is and will never believe what the person desperately minimising is telling you anyway. So stop, it sounds worse if anything.

Go and see her but hope they don’t get back together - she deserves a better relationship, and your son needs to grow up so this is hopefully the lesson he needs to do it.

And while I understand you hoping they’d get back together - think of what you’d want for your own daughter and tell her not to. You wouldn’t be urging your own DD at only 23 to settle for a man who will already cheat on her. And to be honest do you want your son to be in a relationship where the trust has already been so horribly broken? It will corrode the relationship anyway and will never be what it could have been. Better for both of them to move on.

If this was your daughter's friend who had been cheated on and was like family would you even think twice before offering?

Exactly this! Why would you not contact her? I cant understand some peoples responses here - you sound lovely

I would speak to my son first and tell him / ask if it’s ok as she needs a bit of support. I lost my mum early and have never forgotten the kindness of mums I encountered through my life (including mothers of boyfriends). Their kindness has stayed with me and made a huge difference at key points. Probably more than they ever knew.

Of course her son will say go support her. He will tell her to tell the ex he didn't mean it, he's such a caring lad who loves her so much.

I am baffled by so much of this.

they sound 16 not 23. Crying to the point of being sick? That’s a very extreme reaction.

also, what is a “care package”? Chocolate, face masks, hand cream? That sounds like a bizarre thing to do for someone in emotional distress. If you want to, you can offer her emotional support. I don’t know if you will be able to do it for both her and your son, but if you think you can then I would.

(wanders off muttering in ‘old woman’)

Given that she has no one else I'd be there to support her.

Yes, you should help her. Just because your son can't keep his dick in his pants it doesn't mean your relationship with his lovely exgirlfriend who did nothing wrong disappears. Be a decent friend to her.

Yes , I would. A message say here if she needs anything

there is definitely a part of me that hopes they find a way through it

@hillsaryy this comment concerns me. I would put this firmly at the back of your mind and focus solely on her: yes - I would definitely go and show her your support but don't try and push your agenda. Your son may turn out to be a completely unreliable guy when it comes to his relationships... or he may live to regret his actions - you just don't know at this stage. We are still very good friends with my daughter's ex (and his family), her first bf (17-20) ten years on and they were there to support my DD when she subsequently became ill with an eating disorder while at university - something I will never forget - they were one of the few people to step up and support in the right way.

I guess she might become distant if she senses that you are acting in defence or on behalf of your son - if you want to show you care - focus only on what she needs and wants from you.

@Theculturehusks your attitude to the "wanting to hurt himself " is the same as mine
Of course we don't know him, but if this is the frequent abusive tactic his mum's doing nobody any favours by teaching him that it's acceptable as a way to dodge any blame - especially not at 23 when he has a whole lifetime of relationships ahead

As suggested earlier, in the GF's position I'm not sure I'd even want to hear from someone who's so clearly pandering to a cheating ex, but in fairness I don't know her

No because your dragging yourself into other people's problems and you don't know where it will end?

What if she because obsessive or super attached to you.

We have all had to navigate break ups in life. It's life.
It's your sons life, you have your life and your problems.

This has nothing to do with not being nice or being nice, it's learning it's not your place as a mum to get involved with dons relationships or daughters etc.
They weren't even married or anything. 2 years is nothing.
I never remember parents getting involved with my relationships or my boyfriends parents and I survived.
And that is my final answer.
You don't know what the he'll your getting yourself into leave it alone. It's your sons problem.

It's really hard but as the mother of adult children I'd really say you have to stay out of it. They really need to handle it themselves.
Sorry, I don't think that's what you want to hear but I don't think it's your place.

Tonight my daughter woke me up asking if I could drive her to the exes house as she had been on the phone all night sobbing and throwing up and she was worried.

If my daughter woke me up this worried ABOUT anyone I would help My daughter.

I mean I wouldn't get involved myself like I stated earlier.

But I'd be keeping an eye from the sidelines knowing my DD was already doing the supporting with them being similar ages

Obviously I'd be round there like a shot if she completely took things too far and swoop her up and bring her to my house

Respectfully, you are over involved in this.
Your son has acted appallingly by betraying the trust of a vulnerable young woman. If it was my son, I'd be really annoyed with him and even more so for the fact that he is now threatening to harm himself.
Can't stand manipulative behaviour.
I'd offer sincere sympathy to the girlfriend and signpost her to organisations that can help her with her ongoing health needs. Ultimately though, I'd be less inclined to get involved with his future girlfriends as he sounds like the kind of man who invites drama to follow him around.

HRTFT but absolutely support the poor girl! She needs you and it’s lovely that you want to help her. That’s precious whatever happened/happens between her and your son.

I wonder if everyone’s comments would be the same if they were married with kids. I know if my husband cheated and my mil was all about supporting him and didn’t reach out to me, she would be dead to me.

I can see that you would be ashamed and embarrassed by your son's behaviour. But that shouldn't stop you trying to show sympathy for a young girl with little support in this country. I think you've been a bit callous not to have offered help already.

Your son needs to grow up before he begins another relationship. Hopefully it won't take his ex long to move on and realise how immature he was.

you’re comparing apples to oranges.

He went back to this other girls but says he didn’t sleep with her, but they “made out and stuff”. He then says realised pretty quickly that he was being an idiot, got a cab to his now exs and told her everything.

So he got control of himself, and immediately went round to his girlfriend's house to confess?

I can't help thinking that seems very unlikely, and there are a few details he's not telling you.