Should I be doing something for my sons now ex

[hillsaryy]

My son is 23, he and his ex had been together for 2 years, they broke up in the past week. His ex isn’t British, her family live in her home country and while she has 3 very close friends that’s the extent of it.
This last week has been really hard, they broke up as my son cheated on her, very drunk on a night out but he knows that’s no excuse. He has come home to stay and has been really honest with me (he’s never done this before, usually I don’t have any idea what he’s feeling!). He’s feeling incredibly low and has even told me that he has had thoughts of hurting himself. Obviously it’s on him for cheating and natural consequences are a break up and he’s adult so can very much deal with his own actions but I know break ups hurt and no mother likes to see their child suffering.
Today my daughter went to see his ex, she is like family to us and has such little support. Daughter told me (not my son) that his ex seems to be really struggling. She has always had issues she’s been battling, historic eating disorder, difficult relationship with family etc. So I’m sure this isn’t helping.
Tonight my daughter woke me up asking if I could drive her to the exes house as she had been on the phone all night sobbing and throwing up and she was worried.
I decided not to go in but now I’m home and I’m thinking should I be doing something? Not my place?
Her own mum passed away when she was little and she has little/no relationship with her dad and step mum and they are back in her home country anyway.
She is such a lovely beautiful girl and Im quite mad at my son for cheating (and to make it worse leaving his ex sitting up all night wondering where he was after he promised he’d go back to hers after his night out, had her worried, me worried as she’d messaged to see if he had contacted me and he was actually with another girl). However I’m just not sure if it’s my place to do anything? Do I take her out for coffee? Drop off a little care package? Just send a message saying I’m there if she needs me? Back off and focus on my son who while its own fault is also struggling massively?
Part of me wants to believe they will get back together soon and everything will be okay but right now it’s so hard to see both of them struggling so much.

So would I be unreasonable to do something for her?

He cheated on her. I’d help her, and I wouldn’t ask his permission.

I would help her however I could.

I would go and support her. You have been honest and explained that your son messed up and needs to deal with his own consequences but it sounds like she has no one and needs help.
I would reach out to her and even just offer support, if she says no you’ve tried.
I would gently encourage her to seek some support from her gp.

I would also be honest with your son and explain you’ve reached out to support her, not because you’re choosing sides but because it’s a kind thing to do.

Sadly, pain and heartache can often be part of relationships and I doubt you could separate the two if you stiir the pot by becoming further involved

I wonder, too, how she'd feel about an approach, given that you've offered DS a soft landing and are apparently believing everything he says - even down to they only "made out and stuff" and thoughts about "harming himself", which can sometimes be an abusive tactic used by those caught out

Overall I'd probably leave them to sort things out themselves and avoid stoking further drama

She’s someone you care about so yes be there

I would go round, she's obviously struggling and needs support and as kind as the idea of coffee/care package is, I doubt that's what she needs right now. I think you can support both at the moment and if as you hope they get back together it would be a shame if she resented you not being there for her when you clearly want to be. She may not want you there of course and I wouldn't take offence if that's the case, you can only try. I would say however that you need to be there for her exclusively in the moment, obviously she doesn't need to hear excuses/support for your son right now.

Of course you should help her. She's a human being and she's in pain

However I DO agree with PPs that you have an agenda therefore your help won't be truly altruistic , which is a shame

drop off a care package / send a nice message but no more as you risk encouraging her to want to get back together with your son for the wrong reasons.

There was another mn post where daughter got upset that the mum contacted the ex (both new students at uni)m, so if you do contact and help her, speak to him first.

Don’t hope they’ll get back together - you don’t know if the relationship was running smoothly.

I often think 2 years is often a crunch point - you either commit forever, or realise it’s not the ‘forever’ romance. He’s 23- perhaps he doesn’t want to be tied down yet.

The "agenda" is because she likes the lass and will miss her, misguided maybe, but hardly evil.

OP it sounds like this girl really needs help, maybe you could pop in and see her.

Evil? I'm not sure how 'not altruistic' led you to using the word evil.

I'm simply saying that to help someone when you have an agenda, isn't the best way.

@ahemfem

Yes. Some people including the OP's son's ex think that too.

Encouraging what? I didn’t suggest she encourages a reconciliation, however it “could” happen. How many women here have said they would forgive a drunken ONS but not an affair?

This exactly

I would. Even if it’s until she feels strong enough. Sounds like she is in shock.

She’s in her early 20s and her boyfriend has cheated on her. Leave her to it to get over with the support of friends and don’t go over there with an agenda, of course she’s upset, that’s normal. There’s nothing you can do or say to help her. If she had been your DIL for years, then of course.

This

Yes be there for her, she has no family of her own and your son has hurt her so deeply. She needs support and from your post you genuinely care for this girl. I absolutely would be there for her if this was me in your shoes

You are allowed to have an independent relationship with any adult you want to have a relationship with. My entire family are still in touch with my ex whom we broke up with 6 years ago. I love it. I love that my family are loving, inclusive and caring. I love that they exchange birthday messages. I love that they are not letting the end of our relationship influence how they feel about him.
In contrast to that, his mum didn't even come out to say hello to me when I came over to pick up some furniture from their shed. I find it shocking as we were very close.

This is very good advice. They do each need to heal first. Your son need your support through this.
You can still show friendship to her though by sending little gesture gifts / messages.

"Today my daughter went to see his ex, she is like family to us and has such little support."

'She is like family to us' is the important thing here. You (and your daughter) have a relationship with this young woman. You got to know her through your son, but your relationship with her has developed beyond the initial connection.

So yes, I'd be keeping contact with her, being her friend. Just - be careful to keep it to strictly the relationship between you. No 'nudges', no expressed hopes of them getting back together, no tales of how upset he is. She had a boundary, he overstepped it - don't make it worse for her. Be a listening ear and a soothing presence, be her friend rather than his mother. Can you separate the two when with her? If you can't, keep it to messages and care packages.

If you can remove yourself from the situation and just be there for her as a family figure I think it’s a good idea.

Your son is your priority but I would definitely check on her. It sounds like there were complexities in their relationship and in all honesty, if it were my son I wouldn’t be encouraging a reconciliation. They are young and the emotional issues that existed before the cheating can be difficult to navigate. I hope she finds the external support she needs.

I would certainly not have any time for the ‘scared and wanting to hurt himself’ bullshit - I’m afraid I’ve heard that too often from knobhead men not wanting to face consequences for their entitled shitty behaviour. Ask him what exactly he’s ‘scared’ of maybe? Unlike his ex, he has a bed with his caring family around him. Yes I would go and see his poor ex and let her know you are there if she needs support. You will probably be surprised at how well she will eventually cope after the shock and anger and upset has subsided a little, as she sounds very resilient anyway - she lost her mum when small, she’s very young still and she’s already made her way in a country not her own. Your son is an idiot!

I honestly wouldn’t be going in to this hoping for them to reconcile. 23 is incredibly young .