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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL we are no longer having a party

79 replies

Downandout21 · 13/10/2024 20:26

Having a party on the weekend just in the afternoon, early evening.

As all the children coming are around DDs age she has decided it's her party and told nanny she is having one.

MIL has now invited herself to the party.

It's not really like a birthday party the type MIL thinks it is, more a couple of mine and DHs friends with their kids having a get together, wine and beer for the adults and some games and crafts for the kids.

Two of mine and DHs friends live local, the one that doesn't is staying over night

MIL lives nearly 2 hours a way and doesn't drive meaning either myself or DH will have to drive her home after the get together.

I feel awful telling her it's not really a party as in what she thinks, but more a social gathering with friends, if it was a kids party she would most definitely be top of the list, but don't really think it's her scene sitting with a bunch of 30 somethings having a few drinks and moaning about the daily grind.

AIBU to tell her we are no longer having it?

OP posts:
AmeliaEarache · 14/10/2024 03:02

Definitely a DH job.

“Mum, you can’t come next weekend because we’ve got mates staying. We aren’t having a party at all. DD thinks more than 2 children = party. It’s cute, but she’s 4, her definitions are a little askew.”

Wishboneswishes · 14/10/2024 08:02

Crankyaboutfood · 14/10/2024 02:40

this…lies always come out and it will cause unneeded hurt

Show quote history

You are being ridiculous. It’s not a lie. It’s not a kids party it’s friends saying over. That’s the truth. 🙄

Londonrach1 · 14/10/2024 08:05

Tell her the truth and say she have to get herself there and back as you both having a glass of wine with friends. Don't lie re no party.

Rarebitten · 14/10/2024 08:06

But there’s no need to lie — just tell her the truth! There’s no party, you just have some friends coming over.

TriciaMcMillan · 14/10/2024 08:06

Wishboneswishes · 14/10/2024 08:02

You are being ridiculous. It’s not a lie. It’s not a kids party it’s friends saying over. That’s the truth. 🙄

Show quote history

I think you've misunderstood, you're both agreeing not to lie (which the OP was suggesting to do), but to just tell the truth.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/10/2024 08:07

YABVVU to lie. What is this thing with lying when you can easily just tell the truth? "DD got confused, MIL - it's not a party, we're just hosting some friends and their kids & they're staying over. We'd love to see you when it really is her birthday though."

Violetparis · 14/10/2024 08:23

Don't get why it is such a big deal to tell the truth. Just say your daughter got it wrong and you'll see her (MIL) another weekend.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/10/2024 09:38

Sorry MIL you know what kids are like, she’s not having a party it’s just a few friends popping over. We’ll do a family event soon and invite you.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/10/2024 11:09

AmeliaEarache · 14/10/2024 03:02

Definitely a DH job.

“Mum, you can’t come next weekend because we’ve got mates staying. We aren’t having a party at all. DD thinks more than 2 children = party. It’s cute, but she’s 4, her definitions are a little askew.”

Get your DH to send this to his mother.

I would also be getting him to follow up with something about how she just invited herself to your soiree without checking to see firstly if she was invited at all or that you might be able to accommodate her requirements (transport/staying over/that kind of thing).

She is a cheeky one to be sure!

Be on the look out for more of this type of behaviour from her going forwards. By the sounds of things, she could be quite bored where she is living now, due to how poorly serviced it is for transport and how away from things she is. That's a her issue to resolve and she doesn't get to foist herself onto her adult child's gatherings to make up for it.

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 14/10/2024 22:41

Why didn't you correct MIL when she told you she was coming around?

Just say 'sorry MIL, we're having a couple of colleagues around for dinner, and they'll be bringing their kids along so DC got excited thinking the and the kids would have a party, she got carried away and gave you the wrong impression, there is no party, just a bunch of boring colleague talk'.

That should do it. Text something like that.

JMSA · 14/10/2024 22:44

Just be honest with the poor woman! It's all just a misunderstanding and I'm sure she'll understand.

Redglitter · 14/10/2024 22:48

As pp said just tell her your daughter got the wrong end of the stick. Definitely don't lie because you can guarantee your daughter is bound to mention it to her & then you'll really have a problem

GherkinJar · 14/10/2024 22:49

YABU for saying "myself will have to drive her" but YANBU for wanting your MIL to not be there!

LookItsMeAgain · 15/10/2024 08:34

Just wondering how you got on (or your DH if you asked him to send the message to his mother) @Downandout21 ?

Savingthehedgehogs · 16/10/2024 06:56

It’s a simple misunderstanding. Dh needs to say you have friends staying, there is no party to invite her to. How about x date for a family dinner instead.

It is entirely inappropriate for your pil to be there for a catch up with friends unless they know each other extremely well op.

CosyLemur · 16/10/2024 07:12

If you lie your DD will tell her all about it anyway and ask her why she wasn't there! Why can't she stay over? Surely the fact your DD wants her there at her birthday takes precident over a friend staying 🤷‍♀️

DustyAmuseAlien · 16/10/2024 07:17

Just twll her the truth. DC thought it's a party but it's really not. It's a get together with some of your friends with similar-age children and it's not appropriate for her to come. You don't need to lie and if you do you will make it worse.

It's totally ok to be firm about no lift home being available.

pizzaHeart · 16/10/2024 07:27

CosyLemur · 16/10/2024 07:12

If you lie your DD will tell her all about it anyway and ask her why she wasn't there! Why can't she stay over? Surely the fact your DD wants her there at her birthday takes precident over a friend staying 🤷‍♀️

It’s not daughter’s birthday, it’s not anyone’s birthday, it’s their friends coming. Friends will bring their children with them which is equal “party“ for 4 y.o.

NeedToChangeName · 16/10/2024 07:30

Struggling to understand this post. Why wouldn't you just say child got mixed up, it's not a family birthday party?!

Whenwillitgetwarm · 16/10/2024 07:30

Just tell her the truth. You’ve invited your mates and kids over for a few drinks, and you’ll come visit another time.

Emmz1510 · 16/10/2024 07:56

Just tell her you and DH will be having a few drinks so there is no one to drive her home. She’s cheeky to expect the lift home in the first place

MikeRafone · 16/10/2024 08:25

No

don't lie as she will be hurt later when our dd lets it out the bag its not nice

Just explain that its a group of 30 year old parents having a chat and drinking, the children will be playing - its not a proper party and of course, if it was shed be invited but o this occasion she might well end up feeling out of place.

DecoratingDiva · 16/10/2024 10:11

Just tell her the truth, it is not a party and your 4 year old is confused.

You are having a friend to stay the weekend, that’s all you need to say.

Or more realistically that is what your DH needs to tell her. Don’t get drawn to conversations about transport etc just tell her your friend is staying and that’s it.

Don't lie and tell her you are not having a party as your child will definitely tell her afterwards that it happened!

Welshmonster · 16/10/2024 11:01

just Say that she will need to make her own transport arrangements. It’s weird to have her turn up to what sounds like an antenatal group get together.

tell her that you’re grateful that she will babysit while you relax with friends.

we have a rule in my house that house business stays in the house as mil is nosey

Maddy70 · 16/10/2024 11:15

Tell her the truth. It isn't a party. You are just having friends rouns who happen to have children. When there is a party of course she will be invited

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