AIBU that I’ve lost the plot when it comes to parenting a 14 year old?

[Okaydocky]

We argue non-stop. I can’t reason with her most of the time. Simple things like getting homework done becomes a door slamming session with the result that her homework doesn’t get done.
I think I’m a fairly easy going parent, but at the same time I do not take rudeness lightly and she can be really objectionable and when she is I let her know it.

I do give her quite a lot of freedom, I think. She now knows her way round the buses (we live in Greater London) She goes to shopping centres with her friends on the bus most weekends or to their homes. She comes home 6 or 6.30 at the weekend (if she’s not sleeping over) and during the week she goes to after school club or friends’ homes three times or sometimes more.

But since starting year 9 she’s been really adverse to doing her homework, with the usual nagging from me to get it done, especially as recently I’ve been receiving emails from a couple of her teachers informing me of her not completing the set tasks and occasionally for being rude and answering back.
The thing is that she used to be a model student up until the middle of year 8. She was sweet, funny and a loving thoughtful daughter and we were once so close, never arguing, just really really close.
I know that this is considered normal teen behaviour, but I’m really struggling to know how to bring back some control as a parent as well as trying to mend this barrier that’s growing ever larger between us.
it’s really affecting me badly. The daily arguing, the sense that she just doesn’t want to listen to reason when it comes to her behaviour at school or at home. Now more recently she’s been going out and often doesn’t reply to texts or answer my calls if I need to know where she is.

There are the rare days when she’s back to her sweet self and we have a really lovely time together, but these are happening less and less and it’s really breaking my heart.

Am I giving her too much freedom? How can I make her see that her studies are important and that rudeness at school is not ok (or at home)? Are there any other parents out there with a newly turned 14 year olds having similar frustrations and if so how do you cope?
Any advice gladly received :-)

My DD is in year 9. She is 14 next April. She is generally lovely. She does all her homework without prompting, is polite and lovely and generally a joy to spend time with. She has her moments. Probably hormones but a stern word and a little sulk and she's generally back to normal.
At this age I know they are influenced a lot by peers. Does she has nice friends? If she is meeting friends weekly, I assume she has money. What are her consequences for being rude to teachers etc...?

I sympathise! My ds14 is similar (although he stays out much later!)

That’s great MummytoAAandX, I’m happy that things are going well for you.

However, this just makes me feel worse and that there’s something wrong with me and my dd!

Her friends are mostly nice and polite when they come round here, as I’m sure my daughter is when she’s at their homes. It is of course hormonal but I would really like to know how other parents deal with teens who aren’t perfectly behaved all the time.

Why is she allowed out 5 times a week if she isn’t doing her homework and being rude?

What are the consequences of her behaviour? It needs to be something that would bother her, so homework refusal results in no phone/no money to go shopping/no sleepovers.

I feel like there is a massive difference between teens, even within the same family, with some sailing through teenagehood with lovely manners and others turning into horrors for a few years. I'm not sure it's generally any fault of the parents, it seems quite innate in many cases!

A bit like toddlers, some tantrum and bite and kick, others are mellow.

Not sure that helps you, but just to put it in perspective if people say "oh my teen would never do that ..."

Mine aren't that age yet so watching with interest ...

Have you tried having a grown up conversation with her? That's your best option at this point. The more you punish/withhold things the more she'll push back and she's too old to really be made to do anything.

I'd try and find a time when she's in a approachable mood and discuss her plans with her. Does she want to go to uni/do an apprenticeship/get a job? What does she want to do long term etc. Try and make her see that the choices she makes now will influence her options later. It ultimately needs to be her choice to work hard/do her homework/make a success of things. You can't force it, no matter how much you nag them.

Sounds very much like my DS, who's also in year 9 and turns 14 in December. You have my sympathy.

Yabu. Why don't you ask in the Teenagers board? There's many on Mumsnet who share or have shared your experience and lots of support available.

Not everything is an AIBU!

Dear Parent:
This is the letter that I wish I could write.
This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.
I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.
I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.
This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.
And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.
I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.
Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.
Love, Your Teenager
Love this

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?format=amp

Have you tried asking her to do her homework and if she refuses let her take the consequences at school? Do you know what homework is set? Have you tried taking something away or offering a reward? It's hard to stop her freedom, eg going to her friends after school, especially as she comes back at a reasonable time, but you could try no sleepovers.

In all honesty I think she’s being allowed way too much leeway @Okaydocky. And this is not your fault, some teenagers are absolute horrors, I know I was!

What are the consequences of her bad behaviour? I’d consider meeting up with friends and going out absolutely fine if she is doing her schoolwork and generally being respectful but five times a week when she is behaving so badly sends the wrong signal.

And I appreciate that you said that you like her friends etc but are you sure she’s actually going to their houses? Do you share location settings?

My first approach would be to make sure that she’s actually ok and that she’s not dealing with something she can’t cope with. If that’s not the case I’d be taking a much harder line and rewarding good behaviour with the things she currently enjoys.

I know it’s really hard right now but just keep the lines of communication open.

Where is the discipline? Why is she allowed out of she won't answer her phone/is rude?
She needs to learn actions have consequences otherwise this will only get worse

What a load of utter shite

@gonnabeteoubleemma you are a treasure aren't you

Ignore the posters just coming on to tell you how wonderful everything is for them!

i was an awful 14 year old. My parents gave up with my homework and I learnt the consequences for myself. By the time GCSEs came around, I had got past that phase. I ended up at Cambridge University and a successful career. So my advise would be to try and take a step back and not panic.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Set boundaries and stick to them, try to ignore the attitude and back school 100% with any consequences when she’s there. Consistency, unconditional love and infinite patience are key!
Enjoy the (rare) good times and ride it out. I’m on my 3rd teen and it’s like a switch flips on their 14th birthday. The girl you know and love is still there, and around 15-15 1/2 she’ll reappear from her room and be a pleasure to spend time with again… though you will still have to share custody with her friends, so good ones are a bonus 😂

'I think I’m a fairly easy going parent, but at the same time I do not take rudeness lightly and she can be really objectionable and when she is I let her know it.'

I'd stop this, I found just calmly saying 'you're being rude please stop' or saying 'you're being rude' and walking away were the most effective things.

You need to be working with her to sort out the school issues, not battling over a bit of teenage rudeness and answering back. What does she want to do in the future? What GCSE grades does she need? Is she going to do A-levels, what does she need for those?

I'd try a calm, positive, grown up chat with her about her future, how proud you are of her and how worried you are that she's recently stopped taking school seriously, is she having any problems?? and what can be done to get her back on track. When she's in the right mood of course! Maybe take her out to do something nice together and have the chat.

I think that was possibly the most heartbreaking yet inspiring post @littlebilliie
thank you. It’s put into perspective a lot.
i’m aware that much of parenting has to do with keeping calm and rational, but being human and full of fears and doubts causes momentary loss of level-headedness! But it was a beautiful letter and I’m going to print it out to remind me of how I should be!
@NuffSaidSam When we’re getting on we do have the conversations about how important it is to do well at school and she knows it, but just recently she seems to be less concerned with her education and more interested in socialising and now boys 😣.
It really is a case of full teen takeover! Hours spent doing her hair in the mornings, too busy to worry about breakfast and leaving later and later for school. I do take her phone off of her but unfortunately her school work is done online so it’s back on the tech and the temptation of sneaking another few moments on YouTube etc.

I can’t really stop her from going out with friends after school, and if she turns off her phone there’s little I can do about that either. It just feels like she’s got me over a barrel at every turn!

@MounjaroNewb please tell me in your opinion what kind of discipline works on a teenager! Would love to know as everything I’ve done so far has little effect, or causes a bigger rift.

My eldest and youngest daughters were model teenagers. Worked hard, did well, struggled a little but ultimately were fine and listened to me. Middle daughter was an utter nightmare. Disappearing off the school bus, heading off out whenever she felt like it (grounded, but she took no notice and I couldn't imprison her if she climbed out of windows), screaming matches, just dreadful.

Then she went into Sixth form, discovered what she was good at, got a vocation, is now extremely well paid and successful in her chosen field. To be fair, so are my other two girls though. There is light at the end, just hold the line for now. They really do pass through the hormonal 'wanting to fight' stage and generally turn out all right.

This reminds me of the Treasure books. I used to love them, mostly because I was also a terrible teenager.

amzn.eu/d/7GaWvhF

I think that is so poignant and accurate and really resonates with me, I was that teen and my teens are similar. I know this shall pass but also Diamonds and Rust which I know is the title of a Joan Baez song but I think much can be applied to the relationship with teens- there are moments that shine and there are the shitty bits.

One word, 'discipline'.