AIBU that I’ve lost the plot when it comes to parenting a 14 year old?

[Okaydocky]

We argue non-stop. I can’t reason with her most of the time. Simple things like getting homework done becomes a door slamming session with the result that her homework doesn’t get done.
I think I’m a fairly easy going parent, but at the same time I do not take rudeness lightly and she can be really objectionable and when she is I let her know it.

I do give her quite a lot of freedom, I think. She now knows her way round the buses (we live in Greater London) She goes to shopping centres with her friends on the bus most weekends or to their homes. She comes home 6 or 6.30 at the weekend (if she’s not sleeping over) and during the week she goes to after school club or friends’ homes three times or sometimes more.

But since starting year 9 she’s been really adverse to doing her homework, with the usual nagging from me to get it done, especially as recently I’ve been receiving emails from a couple of her teachers informing me of her not completing the set tasks and occasionally for being rude and answering back.
The thing is that she used to be a model student up until the middle of year 8. She was sweet, funny and a loving thoughtful daughter and we were once so close, never arguing, just really really close.
I know that this is considered normal teen behaviour, but I’m really struggling to know how to bring back some control as a parent as well as trying to mend this barrier that’s growing ever larger between us.
it’s really affecting me badly. The daily arguing, the sense that she just doesn’t want to listen to reason when it comes to her behaviour at school or at home. Now more recently she’s been going out and often doesn’t reply to texts or answer my calls if I need to know where she is.

There are the rare days when she’s back to her sweet self and we have a really lovely time together, but these are happening less and less and it’s really breaking my heart.

Am I giving her too much freedom? How can I make her see that her studies are important and that rudeness at school is not ok (or at home)? Are there any other parents out there with a newly turned 14 year olds having similar frustrations and if so how do you cope?
Any advice gladly received :-)

Sorry OP I'm there with you at the same point with youngest but it isn't that alien to me as I was similar. I don't have great advice sorry but I absolutely understand you.

Fgs if you’re only going to say that there is really no need to quote the OP. We can all see it.

I find it a bit cringe, but it really isn't a load of utter shite. Teenagers are programmed to rebel. It's part of the process of detaching from their parents and becoming an independent adult. Parents need to hang on tight, keep boundaries in place and weather the storm. It obviously hits some teenagers (and some parents) MUCH harder than others.

My son, also 14, hasn't been too bad, but 6 months or so ago he started back chatting & eye rolling at me. It felt like my very existence annoyed him.
It used to end in arguments when all I asked was "Do you have any homework tonight?".
Then one evening when I was dropping some freshly laundered washing in & asked him a question and he snapped back again. I put the washing down & said super calmly "I can see you just want to be alone & you don't feel like you want to talk. That's OK, but all I do is look after you well & you have everything you could ever need, I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. I'm going to go because it upsets me when you speak to me like that".
I left him for several hours and then went in before bedtime to say night and asked if he'd like a hug. He put his arms out and said night. He has not been as bad again. Occasionally he will revert slightly back to snapping if he's tired but I just do the same again.
With the homework, I can't give advice as he does do it (albeit begrudgingly!), but he knows he's lucky to go to a great Grammar school where he doesn't want to get kicked out.
Would she download an app like Life360 so you can see where she is? Both my sons are willing to have this, as are myself and DH. It just helps knowing when we are all going to be back for dinner etc so we don't need to call all the time. Maybe you could persuade her as then you don't need to call and interrupt time with her friends?
Hang in there, it does get better! My 20 year old was awful for 12 months but snapped out of it.

Open your mind up!

There needs to be consequences for not doing homework and being rude to teachers. So no friends houses in the evening, or no shopping trips at the weekend.
Otherwise, she knows she can behave however she wants and still gets to enjoy everything as normal.

And if she doesn’t come home after school as asked, then you go to her friends and get her, take her home and remove her phone for X number of days.

I find it a bit cringe, but it really isn't a load of utter shite. Teenagers are programmed to rebel. It's part of the process of detaching from their parents and becoming an independent adult. Parents need to hang on tight, keep boundaries in place and weather the storm. It obviously hits some teenagers (and some parents) MUCH harder than others.

I agree with the sentiment but did it have to be cringe factor 1000

I’d be telling her she can’t go out midweek until homework is done. Sure she will scream and shout, but if you stick to your guns, she will get the message.

I've gone through two teenagers and am mid-parenting a third. I would say pick your battles and set your boundaries - for example, let school sanction for missing homework but don't tolerate rudeness at home. Make a rule that, if she's out, she needs to let you know where she is and when she's back, even if it's only with a short text. Explain that it's not because you're a controlling old bat, but because you worry about her and you love her and you want to know she's safe. I wouldn't go down the road of taking stuff away or punitive punishment for punishments' sake because that teaches them nothing apart to rebel further because they feel hard done by. Fingers crossed it gets better for you soon.

Why can't you control if she goes to friends during the week? Are you working, so not at home? Are you a single parent? Could you get another device to use for homework of you need to take the phone off of her for behaviour?

There will always be two schools of thought on this and I'm in the you are too soft camp and you don't have any form of disciple or boundaries. If you can't stop her from going to friend's homes during the week because you are at work then you should be able to at the weekends. Seeing her friends out of school is a privilege not a right.Of course she's your dd, you know her better than me but there is a fine line in terms of discipline and I don't think you have a good balance. It's fair enough for.people to say pick your battles and love them.despite the bratty behaviour and maybe that works for them but it doesn't sound like it is working for you.

Why can you not stop her going out after school? She's 14, you're the parent. I think she's crying out for boundaries. She has too much freedom imo
You don't really know what she's doing when she's out. Turning her phone off or not answering calls would be an instant grounding in my house

I agree with @Pickled21 .

@Okaydocky , I also cannot control where my DD16 goes during the week, as I'm at work, but I can during the weekend and in the evening.
There needs to be discipline. In our house, our health, physical and mental, comes first, then school, and we don't yell at each other or slam doors.

My DD is still a teen, but I can tell you 14 was the hardest age. She wanted full freedom and full experience, and she wasn't ready for it. It's not perfect now, but mostly it's fine, miles better than it was two years ago.

In my opinion, you will need to put your foot down and install consequences for school work not being completed, and it should be something that matters to her (time with friends, phone time, money). Hopefully you won't have to do it many times before she learns that you mean business.

Edit: turning the phone off would haveno going out for some time as a consequence. My DD knows not to pull off a stunt like that, and if she's out and has no charge, she'll let me know from a friend's phone.

I'm of the opinion that they need to learn how to manage their time/ workload. So relax the rope on that for a while, the school will issue consequences that she will need to face- just support the school.

If you know where she is, and that she is safe, then don't put pressure on her. Let her know what time dinner is, and that you expect her home then. If she needs more time, then let you know ahead so you don't worry.

One day a week, I would arrange to pick her up from school (and a friend at the start), and take her out for coffee and a cake. Keep it relaxed and chilled, like you would with a friend. After a while, she may stop inviting the friend and appreciate you. The first time this happens hit the shops for something nice for her, then periodically do this as needed.

I also started a jigsaw puzzle, initially for me, but everytime I saw my dc place a piece, I would give permission for her to contribute to my project. I would stop what I was doing and work alongside her for a while. We both started to put half an by together after a while, usually while dinner was cooking, or afterwards, this opened up many conversations without judgement or pressure.
Dd is at university (living at home), and we still do puzzles together in the evening.

A quick reply from someone whose oldest teen is the easiest person ever, and the younger one breaks all rules.
Youngest seems immune to consequences, and will push every boundary.
Currently they are without pocket money, lifts and fav hobby, but is still not toe-ing the line.

School and us are very on 1 line, but said teen also is not showing respect for consequences school puts in place (gets detention, doesn’t go. Gets isolation, skips half of it..) It is relentless and I say this as a parent who finds themselves very capable, loving and consistent. Nothing seems to cling with this one…

Agree, I am surprised how much freedom she has! Don’t you ask to do homework first before any sort of activities let alone hanginf around in a shopping mall?

I have a 13 year old in year 9, she has her moments but does at least do her homework and we always know where she is if she goes out.
If she started being too rude and not doing homework I would be limiting spending money and screen time

Arrange a chat with someone at the school to see if she is playing up there, and a meeting with your Dd and a suitable teacher with you to discuss boundaries around homework.

You, presumably, are paying her phone charges and the WiFi. This gives you some leverage.

Agree with her when she is calm when she intends to do her homework, and hold her to it.

In the end, though, you can’t force her to do it. It’s a very hard stage to deal with.

Admittedly I have not parented teenage girls....yet! But I have worked with quite a few young teens/pre-teens and read various advice, and like any age child I think 'connection before correction' is key.
Yes they need boundaries, and at times consequences but most of all I think they need you to go in first with the 'what's going on for you' attitude rather than going in straight away with the discipline.
Working out reasons behind and causes of any behaviour are key.And lots of positive time together and praise for what they do well, even if they seem dismissive of it.Also, picking your battles, don't sweat the small stuff as teenagers can't bare to be continually criticised and nagged....I know when I was a teenager that just made me want to rebel more.
You sound like a great parent who can think about your daughter's needs well, so I'm sure she will turn out fine in the end.Good luck :)

Parenting a teen is really hard. I found the casual rudeness really difficult (please and thank you seemed to disappear) and I picked her up on this every single time for about two years. As it seemed to make no difference I'm not sure in retrospect that there was any point but I guess it was me saying "treat me with respect" over and over again.

I think it's very good to give teens their freedom in a progressive step by step way. That's probably also the easiest way for parents to let go.

Try to plan some regular one on one treat time. A shopping trip together somewhere different. Dinner and a show. Don't cancel this even if behaviour is poor.

I think with studies, at this stage you can't make them. Time is better spent helping them to develop future plans to aim at. Create structure and space for them to do homework, support them with it but ultimately it's on them. Help them to see career options by taking them on relevant trips and encouraging their interests.

They come out of this stage OP even more wonderful than ever before so do hold onto that.

Well I've said YABU because you don't have a plan for consequences or discipline but of course YANBU to be having problems with 14yo dd.

So DS is 14 and we have our battles. The phone a computer are locked down so that we can allow access when he's done his homework, piano and tidied room. Pocket money also stopped if he doesn't do these basics.

We recently had to limit tik tok and snap because he was so phone addicted. He isn't happy about this but its got a bit easier.

The room in particular is a battle as his idea of tidying is creative to say the least!

I haven't got to grounding him yet as the access to phone and gaming is enough incentive.

In your DD case she comes home rather than going to friends but can call them once she's done her homework. You need to instill better work habits now before they start with GCSE content.

At the weekend I'd make going out and getting allowance contingent on having done homework and chores.

It sounds like she's out an awful lot for a 14yo. You need to rein her back in. Obviously she's going to think this is awful but once the boundary is firmly established it should get easier. IMO a 14yo shouldn't be out every evening except mainly at planned activities.

Also I know what you mean about the phone needed for homework. DS school have homework app to check but otherwise say phone should be set aside for homework..

The battle to stop them looking at shit on YouTube instead of just getting on with homework is universal. Put her homework app onto her computer. Go and talk to the school and ask then if they can help give more offline content. Have her work where you can keep an eye. If sues on YouTube during homework time there needs to be a consequence.

I reckon get the going out all the time under control. If she's going to turn her phone off take it off her. Replace with a Nokia brick.

Wow hearing about your perfect child and perfect parenting is exactly what the op needs to help her right now….

Ignore that poster her kids 13, she’s no idea what is in store and is quite frankly totally insensitive.

So much great advice, thank you!

I think curtailing her socialising is going to be the key thing to do, school comes first and if the guilt tripping keeps on about how ALL her friends get to go out when they want and ALL her friends keep their phones by their side 24/7 I’ll grit my teeth and not give in! 😊

You use the phrase "bring back control" and this is the crux of the matter with teens ... control is the battle ground.
The teen's desire is to start taking control if their life. This is entirely reasonable ... they are creeping towards adulthood where they will have total control.
Parents need to let them take control of some aspects. It feels like a high risk scenario and in some ways it has to be.
If you both seek control then you will simply be locked in a tussle.
It is a difficult balancing act and you have to be a bit of a mind reader ... for example they might actually be frightened of a situation/outing and want you to veto it, but will make a big fuss if you do!
I would try and look at every source of conflict and ... as they say ... pick your battles.
"I know you are old enough now to take responsibility for your homework and that you understand why it is needed. Let me know if you need any help with anything." .... then back off.
Are there any other conflict areas where you can step back a bit?