AIBU that I’ve lost the plot when it comes to parenting a 14 year old?

[Okaydocky]

We argue non-stop. I can’t reason with her most of the time. Simple things like getting homework done becomes a door slamming session with the result that her homework doesn’t get done.
I think I’m a fairly easy going parent, but at the same time I do not take rudeness lightly and she can be really objectionable and when she is I let her know it.

I do give her quite a lot of freedom, I think. She now knows her way round the buses (we live in Greater London) She goes to shopping centres with her friends on the bus most weekends or to their homes. She comes home 6 or 6.30 at the weekend (if she’s not sleeping over) and during the week she goes to after school club or friends’ homes three times or sometimes more.

But since starting year 9 she’s been really adverse to doing her homework, with the usual nagging from me to get it done, especially as recently I’ve been receiving emails from a couple of her teachers informing me of her not completing the set tasks and occasionally for being rude and answering back.
The thing is that she used to be a model student up until the middle of year 8. She was sweet, funny and a loving thoughtful daughter and we were once so close, never arguing, just really really close.
I know that this is considered normal teen behaviour, but I’m really struggling to know how to bring back some control as a parent as well as trying to mend this barrier that’s growing ever larger between us.
it’s really affecting me badly. The daily arguing, the sense that she just doesn’t want to listen to reason when it comes to her behaviour at school or at home. Now more recently she’s been going out and often doesn’t reply to texts or answer my calls if I need to know where she is.

There are the rare days when she’s back to her sweet self and we have a really lovely time together, but these are happening less and less and it’s really breaking my heart.

Am I giving her too much freedom? How can I make her see that her studies are important and that rudeness at school is not ok (or at home)? Are there any other parents out there with a newly turned 14 year olds having similar frustrations and if so how do you cope?
Any advice gladly received :-)

I've had to threaten my teens that I will show at the school gate to collect them at the end of the day if they go out after school without permission. I don't want to do that (time off work) but they really don't want to be collected like a primary kid and embarrassed in front of their friends. So they will always text for permission to go out and come home if I say so.

I always give permission to go out if they are up to date on homework, and it is not too late.

Please remember that socialising comes first to HER. That is normal. School comes first for YOU.
Do not dismiss her need to socialise as unimportant or you will simply reinforce the distance between you.
Acknowledge her needs ...they are not trivial to her.
This is not a power battle. It is a period of transition ... of handing over some of the reins to her, which inevitably means you letting go of some.

No wisdom to add, as the exhausted and struggling parent of a nearly-14yo, but place marking helpful thread.

Probably a good start - I have noticed on here many London parents seem to let their kids socialise a lot more than is normal where I am - so you may be bucking a social norm so get more push back.

Not answering the phone - means they don't get to go out - so they all try and answer texts and calls from me - they know I just want to be sure they are safe not curtail their fun as I've explained that for years.

Also I expect they to have some standards how they speak to me - I will do an excuse me or a Beg your pardon so they can come back from any rudeness as I did when they were very young.

Otherwise as many PP have said - focus on the future - what does she want what grades does she need. I know DD2 friends had shocks - they sit GCSE exams Y10 here - going round colleges and finding the grades they need.

How they manage their homework is on them - I check in less with DS 17 than I do with DD2 15 - DD19 is at Uni and while in control of what she does when, but I do still check in with all of them - asking if everything alright and do they need anything but expectation is it is done on time and handed in on time - if not I do ask for an explanation - not with DD1 just ask if she's okay and offer any advice I can.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun Interesting you mention about kids socialising more around the London area. I wonder if it has to do with how easily connected places are 🤷‍♀️. All her friends are walking distance or a bus ride away, as well as shops. It is definitely an automatic expectation that once you’re a teen even younger in her case 12, you start hanging out with friends almost daily. But since starting this thread I’m starting to realise that actually it is getting out of hand and there has to be a balance. I will have to figure out how to manage that before it’s too late and I’m expecting a fair bit of backlash from dd as a result 😖.

Absolutely @Okaydocky, there has to be a balance or next thing she'll be staying out all night and you've no idea where she is. As with all ages, kids have to know their boundaries and while they will absolutely hate them and push against them it will pay dividends in the long run. If she feels she is allowed to ride rough shod over you at this stage, speak to you how she wishes, go where she likes, not do homework and for there to be no consequences, then it's a rough few years ahead.

Make some house rules that are absolutely not negotiable, i.e. completing homework, household tasks, being mannerly and respectful, curfews, always having phone on etc and things should run a little more smoothly.

It's so so hard and it sounds like you're doing a great job but I think teen years are so very tricky and while you want to afford your child some autonomy, it't also a good idea not to give them too much leeway or they'll simply take the piss.

My eldest is 14, and generally a good kid, but sometimes the attitude that comes out of him is gobsmacking.

From talking to my friends with similar aged kids, I'm getting off lightly (I'm sure DS2 will make up for it) - I don't know what you can do about it, but they all just seem to get extremely mouthy at this age, and you just have to do what you can until they grow out of it (somewhere between 18 and 25 if I remember what I was like myself correctly)

Be her steady rock, remember you can take yourself away from the situation (just like the baby book said when talking about a baby that wouldn't stop crying - no harm will come to her if you shut the door on her and go somewhere quite for 15 mins!)

I have a 14yr old DD in year 10. I never know what mood she's going to be in and she is extremely stubborn and digs her heels in of asked to do most things. She does do her homework and she has friends and doing ok at school. But at home she's a nightmare. She's rude, really vile sometimes. Says such nasty things when asked to tidy up or stop going on her phone. This is the child who couldn't bare to be apart from me when she was younger. We still have some good days - mainly when I'm buying her stuff, taking her shopping, meals out etc!

You stay strong for your daughter, keep communicating at all cost. Keep faith. You will both come through this. She needs to break away from you, so that she can join up with you later on as an adult .

Just to add though that my middle DD was in the hell of teenage years before mobile phones were even a thing - didn't stop her being horrendous and was one less thing to 'remove'. I also tried grounding her but she would climb out of windows and disappear. There's only so far you can go with some kids!

Definite balance. I'd be saying she needs homework done on a week night before going anywhere. If she can do it with friends at library or their house that's fine. Same at weekends. She can go out but homework needs to be done first.

I'd be blocking you tube etc on whatever tech she uses for homework so she can just get on what she needs

Who is paying for the phone that she doesn't answer? Take back some control!

No going to friends houses after school.

No money or fun stuff if her homework isn’t done.

Follow through, no matter how much she tantrums.

This. And how's she getting money for all that shopping and bus fares?

Imo she needs less freedom, less time with friends, more time with family. And tighten up her phone use.

I would suggest you prioritise your relationship with her. Do you get to do fun things together? You don't want to be doing nothing but nag. My mum only ever nagged me - we had zero relationship, and I didn't want that. I let loads of stuff go. But there were non-negotiables, which she understood and honoured, since I was so reasonable about everything else.

I don't know if it'll help, my DD is only 11, but I was recommended a book called Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour. I'm only a few chapters in but does make sense so far.

Hello OP, my DS14 has definitely undergone a behavioural volte face this last year.
What I have found more helpful than anything else has been to read ‘Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me & Alex into Town’ by Tony Wolf & Suzanne Franks. It has really given me clarity on the how and why of what is going on emotionally with teens at this point, and how to respond to it. Can’t recommend it enough.

So much to chew on.

She's probably fine and just a teenager but I think some of the changes to her personality sound... potentially worrying. On every safeguarding course, one of the first things you're told to spot as a potential indicator of some kind issue is a change in someone's nature.

You don't seem to know much about what she's doing when out and about, so anything could be happening to her. Her activities might be quite innocent, but it's London and she's quite young, so she may have got mixed up in something she's now scared about.

I would not advocate 'discipline' but 'boundaries'. Do not lose your temper when talking to her or you'll push her further away. Ask her if anything is worrying her as ignoring something like homework is a classic marker for stress or anxiety, as well as just laziness. Talk to her like an adult and not down to her, but be clear what you expect and what the consequences of her actions could be. You need to offer a safe haven for her to go to, when she's ready.

If the talking/ gentle approach throws up nothing and it's just surliness/ attitude on her part, I would calmly put in some boundaries, like she can only leave the house at the weekend once homework is done. Don't go mad on punishment, just stick to it and withdraw more freedom as necessary if she tries to get round the restrictions. As PP states, it's well known among psychologists that teens need and want boundaries. They are changing, it's scary and they need a safe haven... but not a shouty/ 'Do as I say young lady!' one, more of a 'You chose to do this, so now this is happening; if you're upset, remember that you control whether it happens again' one.

I try and praise my daughter for all the tiny considerate things she does and bite my lip at other times. If she takes her plate into the kitchen from the dining room, brings cups out of her bedroom, texts me to let me know she’ll be back late etc. I thank her. I also use humour rather than being overly strict. It’s working so far. She’s 14. I made her watch Kevin the teenager from Harry Enfield so she knows what she’s in the middle of! Also tell her about when I was 14 a lot. Things I used to cringe at etc.

Keep loving her and having fun together but equally don’t take any shit or rudeness from her. You could go out for dins somewhere she likes and while she is feeling open and pleasant tell her now she’s getting older you want to treat her a certain way and expect it to be reciprocated.

You can do it! X

If she refuses to do her homework - leave it. School set it, let them deal with it - school punishment is the consequence for not doing it.

If she is ignoring you on her phone - stop paying for it. Let her run out of minutes and data. You aren't losing anything as she is ignoring you anyway. Its not like not paying for the phone means you cant contact her - that is already happening.

If she is rude to you ignore her. If she cant engage in a civil conversation with you stop the conversation. She will get frustrated before you do as you do more for her than she does for you. If she makes demands from you (lifts, etc) refuse unless she is polite and civil.

Its hard (and I know that from experience) but now is the time to really set boundaries and instill in her that you expect respect from her (although do remember that respect goes both ways).

My DS was an intolerable little git from about 14 until about 15 and a half. By the time he got to 16 he had come out the other side.

We had arguments about it all initially, and we had a few months when house was just full of negative energy, but then I thought "bugger this, it's far too stressful" and I stopped arguing about it.

But what I said was "OK, you think you are not a child, so I won't treat you like one".

I didn't include him in the evening meal planning if I didn't hear from him and I made it very clear that mum's cafe closed at 6.00 p.m so if he wasn't back for dinner, I wasn't doing anything later.

Laundry - you are not a child, sort it yourself.

College work not done? Oh dear, you are not a child, deal with it.

More money on your card? Explain why you think that's appropriate.

If you want nice things to happen, behave nicely and appropriately. Treat me like shit and you can whistle for the crisps you like, or the squash you like, or the Greggs I often pick you up on my way back home from work. Bye Bye nice things.

Etc, etc.

Honestly, initially he liked the fact I had backed off, but after a week or so it wore thin and his attitude did change and he became a bit easier to deal with.

It's a hard phase. But look after yourself first and foremost.

i know what you mean about the Jekyll and Hyde teen DD. I don’t have all the answers but I have found doing a bit of a puppy face and saying I love you I know I’m annoying but I can’t help being a clueless old person and then trying to get a laugh or joke out of the situation can deescalate. I too get ‘the rage’ which I have learnt never to externalise so I can empathise with the hormonalness of being a teen. Homework I’ve not had issues with DD, but DS never did his and I don’t think there is anything you can do except make sure they know you agree with the teachers re it needing to be done. and wait for them to realise they will do badly in exams without it. DS took till a-levels to realise so could be a long wait…