Why do so many women put up with crap?

[lifeiscomplicated2025]

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of stories of DH is not doing this or that then wondering why people put up with it?

They think living as a domestic servant is easier/better than being single.

Scared to be on their own/low self esteem.

Don’t want to break up the family?

It’s not so much what they’re not doing. It’s women that are tolerating absolute arseholes who don’t respect them or treat them with any love, which I guess then leads to the doing bloody nothing to help around home life. YANBU.

Socialisation starts very early and it’s incredibly hard to see it happening to you, much harder to react against it. Girls brought up looking after their brothers, even older brothers; girls brought up complimented on their looks rather than any skills they have (other than being kind and helpful); girls brought up with a higher expectation of helping with domestic chores than boys are… loads of things, often very insidious things. Creates a lot of women who think they must be being unreasonable if they’re not doing 90% of everything, simply because their male partners are better at saying no to stuff.

@Chowtime that is deeply deeply offensive especially in the context of the news story discussed.

Have you heard of the patriarchy at all? Women are at a massive power disadvantage to men, which limits their choices.

Women are conditioned to put their needs second. Some don't even realise that it is abuse. Mumsnet is a brilliant eye-opener for many.

However, sadly women are often trapped when they have children and give up work or the man threatens to take the children.

I suppose that

1. the cost-benefit analysis of confronting / leaving is often very complex. There are all sorts of practicalities, attachments and powerful emotions involved that are difficult to capture in a single post online, and often the partner being complained about has many positive points too / is still someone the OP is in love with.
2. Where a partner truly is being pretty irredeemably awful or abusive: it can take a lot to face up to this. For a lot of people, doing so means accepting that they have been drawn to an abuser or to someone who does not love or respect them; they put up with this. That can be an identity shock. People might ask: 'what does this say about me and my judgement and choices?' I think that traps a lot of people.
3. some people come in here to discuss or rant about a specific issue that bothers them and the act of venting is enough for them to carry on, even if change doesn't happen (I can relate to this one).
4. individuals differ greatly in terms of confidence, social skills and personal resources (including financial resources). I don't think it's as simple as people being scared to be alone in some sort of irrational way that requires feminist re-education (although sometimes it might be partially this!). Being alone has costs in society. It is challenging. It can leave people feeling vulnerable, especially if they've become used to a partner. People often choose familiarity over the unknown out of fear of how they would handle change or fear of whether they have the capacity to navigate that change.

In a nutshell: change is hard and life is complicated.

I have heard of the patriachy yes, But I am seriously starting to think that women are also sex obsessed, not just men.

If you think the post is offensive, and I can't decide whether it is or not, then ask for it to be removed and let mumsnet decide.

Because they often work part time, and have kids.

They are scared of what their dh will do to the kids when they are not around and or they cannot afford to rent a house big enough for themselves and their children on one income alone.

There are large parts of the country where one income really isn't enough to support a family.

They have a choice between a crap dh and serious poverty

I think it's just to get it off their chest, a rant always helps.

I think a lot of it is because many women face serious hardship if they split up, particularly if they have children together.

Also, and this is true in my case, some of us have poor role models. We grew up seeing family and friends in those situations and assume it's normal and it's what happens to everyone.

I was lucky, I had the funds to get out and realised I didn't much care if it WAS normal, it wasn't what I wanted, and so I was able to leave. But so many others aren't in that position.

Your comment is awful. You think that poor woman stayed with her rapist abusive police officer husband (spot the obvious difficulty with reporting him to the police) because she was 'desperate for cock' absolutely vile.

Where's your evidence? There's overwhelming evidence for the asymmetric power structures against women.

You have chosen to ignore that and instead speculate that women stay in abusive and dysfunctional relationships because they value "cock" more that their own wellbeing.

I stand by my view that that's offensive, especially with the news story you mentioned.

I agree. Besides everything else that is wrong with that post, the equation of rape/ sex is completely inaccurate since rape is about power and not sex.

@Chowtime so by your reckoning, women are desperate for cock and stay in abusive relationships?
So women can only get sex in a relationship?
Men only have sex in a relationship?
Abuse is tolerated for sex?

Socialisation and societal expectations. It's considered the norm and what's expected.
Girls are rewarded for being kind and putting everyone else first.
All the media they see growing up has mummy taking care of daddy. Cleaning adverts and products are aimed at women. Magazines run articles about how to keep house.
They see other women stuck as the main carer and assume this is the norm. Reinforced by older women who assume the female of the family is responsible for taking care of everyone and dealing with all the life admin like birthdays etc.
Men are excused poor behaviour with "boys will be boys". Mens incompetence is a joke and excused with "what are men like haha".
I've barely ever seen media aimed at men discussing what it takes to take care of a home or what their role would be in it.
It takes a strong person to kick back against that deluge of conditioning.

I am seriously starting to think that women are also sex obsessed, not just men.
If you think the post is offensive, and I can't decide whether it is or not, then ask for it to be removed and let mumsnet decide.

Well this assume women never do anything wrong, I wonder what men complain about women and would post about?

I am female and am not better or worse than my husband, so it is wondered why women put up with crap but can men ask the same?

You’re unsure if your post contemplating whether women subjected to sexual abuse stay because they love cock is an offensive thing to post? Really ?

Some women would rather procreate with an arsehole than risk ending up childless.

@Chowtime victim blaming is clearly offensive. I have reported it obviously. Doesn't make your post or views any less vile.

@Chowtime sounds like an incel/mra

Women stay because they are conditioned to accept the shit situation. They might internalise misogyny too.

The biggest gift women can always give themselves is financial independence and being comfortable int heir own company

It's been deleted. I also thought it was a disgusting thing to say about a victim of a horrific crime. Perhaps instead of doubling down you should reflect on your internalised misogyny.

I once asked my mother (b. 1923) why she stayed with her abusive, drunkard husband comma who made my childhood and absolute misery. She said that there was a lot of talk on TV at the time about how it was essential to have a father figure.

I felt awful absolutely awful as an only child, to hear that she had stayed with him because of me.