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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do so many women put up with crap?

89 replies

lifeiscomplicated2025 · 13/10/2024 08:38

Is it just me or is anyone else sick of stories of DH is not doing this or that then wondering why people put up with it?

OP posts:
Cheesecakecookie · 13/10/2024 12:13

HRTQueen · 13/10/2024 09:36

Why not ask why are so many men treat women so badly

I always find these threads to be condescending and often smug

and the blame once again lies at the feet of women

I think these are two different but equally important questions - but linked.

Women are socially conditioned to tolerate bad behaviour from men.

As a result men know they can behave badly and get away with it. There is no incentive for men to change their behaviour - why would they ? They already have what they want - a good job (because someone else does the grunt work), someone who does everything at home and takes care of the kids for them.

If the woman doesn’t like it there’s plenty of others willing to tolerate it.

I personally truly believe that men will only collectively change their behaviour when it negatively impacts them - ie them women stop putting up with it as a whole.

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/10/2024 12:24

Cheesecakecookie · 13/10/2024 12:13

I think these are two different but equally important questions - but linked.

Women are socially conditioned to tolerate bad behaviour from men.

As a result men know they can behave badly and get away with it. There is no incentive for men to change their behaviour - why would they ? They already have what they want - a good job (because someone else does the grunt work), someone who does everything at home and takes care of the kids for them.

If the woman doesn’t like it there’s plenty of others willing to tolerate it.

I personally truly believe that men will only collectively change their behaviour when it negatively impacts them - ie them women stop putting up with it as a whole.

Well said.
(Middle finger to men).

nutbrownhare15 · 13/10/2024 12:37

Some of these behaviours are likely to be abusive. This is something that will have crept up over time. There may have been promises to change or dismissal of her concerns. We know that abuse ramps up when women are particularly vulnerable, eg pregnant. And once they have children it is much more difficult for them to leave. Financial reasons are likely to be a big part of the answer in terms of difficulty of paying for two households and the woman's career likely to have not been given priority.

RobertaFirmino · 13/10/2024 13:00

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 10:06

I ‘put up with it’ because it was the only choice I had . Now I’m questioning whether I should have just carried on putting up with it . I was somebody before I met my ex . Was with him 15 years . Most stupid thing I did was confide in him about stuff like my family , my body insecurities and my mental health . For many years those were used against me . I put up with it because I lost my job and I also had 3 children and I had nowhere to go . I put up with it because this year I got cancer and had 7 hospital admissions . But now Im no longer putting up with it . I’m sat in a hotel homeless without my children and it’s worse than I ever imagined . I should have carried on putting up with it and being a better person because if hell on earth existed then I’m in it right now

Is there any way we can help you? Do you feel able to talk about things? Please do start your own thread because I can guarantee that someone here will have some useful advice for you.

Coolblur · 13/10/2024 13:03

It's easy to tell someone to leave, not so easy to do it. Relationships are complex and never start like that. It's often a slow build-up of low-key abusive behaviours that don't seem abusive, or are dismissed as one-offs, over a very long time. Also, people change, and things are rarely completely one-sided, which can make people question themselves.
Once you realise the situation you are in, it can seem impossible to extract yourself. You will worry about damaging your kids or others as well as fearing for your own safety, security and sanity. You'll even worry for your partner. Sometimes it can seem 'safer' to cling to what you know than take a huge leap of faith that things will be better if you leave. Add to that that you are the one living through it, not everyone else who say they'll support you, or critical strangers on MN.
Relationships are complex. Think yourself lucky that yoj don't understand why people don't leave abusive relationships, it probably means you've never felt truly experienced feeling trapped in one.

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:12

RobertaFirmino · 13/10/2024 13:00

Is there any way we can help you? Do you feel able to talk about things? Please do start your own thread because I can guarantee that someone here will have some useful advice for you.

I have my own thread ‘about to become homeless’ in relationships topic x

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:18

Missamyp · 13/10/2024 09:57

What a load of tripe.
Some women want everything done their way and to their schedule.
Then moan when it isn't.
Mumsnet is full of these complaints.
I don't have brothers I just like a clean home and an organised lifestyle. However I do not over fill my schedule like some do.

That’s the sort of things my very sexist dad would say

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:20

Coolblur · 13/10/2024 13:03

It's easy to tell someone to leave, not so easy to do it. Relationships are complex and never start like that. It's often a slow build-up of low-key abusive behaviours that don't seem abusive, or are dismissed as one-offs, over a very long time. Also, people change, and things are rarely completely one-sided, which can make people question themselves.
Once you realise the situation you are in, it can seem impossible to extract yourself. You will worry about damaging your kids or others as well as fearing for your own safety, security and sanity. You'll even worry for your partner. Sometimes it can seem 'safer' to cling to what you know than take a huge leap of faith that things will be better if you leave. Add to that that you are the one living through it, not everyone else who say they'll support you, or critical strangers on MN.
Relationships are complex. Think yourself lucky that yoj don't understand why people don't leave abusive relationships, it probably means you've never felt truly experienced feeling trapped in one.

Thank you x

Phineyj · 13/10/2024 13:23

@Anicecumberlandsausage your parents sound great! Good for you. Good for them!

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/10/2024 13:23

PancakesForElephants · 13/10/2024 08:48

@Chowtime that is deeply deeply offensive especially in the context of the news story discussed.

Have you heard of the patriarchy at all? Women are at a massive power disadvantage to men, which limits their choices.

I didn't see the deleted message but interested in your last paragraph. Could you expand on that please?

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:24

@Imbluedalale I think many people on MN have no idea that, for some us, leaving can’t just happen and you somehow fall back onto your feet.
Illness for example is a huge barrier to leaving.

I really hope things will get brighter for you soon 🫂🫂

Imbluedalale · 13/10/2024 13:26

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:24

@Imbluedalale I think many people on MN have no idea that, for some us, leaving can’t just happen and you somehow fall back onto your feet.
Illness for example is a huge barrier to leaving.

I really hope things will get brighter for you soon 🫂🫂

I’ve left . I’m homeless . I’ve lost my kids. It’s worse than I imagined it would be . It was easier putting up with all the crap than this . I don’t think I can get through this

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 13:38

I think it's because a lot of women genuinely don't realise or believe that there are men who are not like that and so assume that every woman is with this sort of man but just not talking or being honest about it.

That’s the sort of things my very sexist dad would say

The problem is that there are some women who perpetuate this line of thinking.

For example. When I moved out at 18, I didn't know how to use the washing machine. I'd never been allowed to and I'd never been shown. The laundry was my mother's domain and I was told I'd "only get it wrong".

My dad and she divorced, and she declared she'd 'never wash another man's dirty pants and socks again". Only, neither her second husband (who lived alone and was quite capable) nor her subsequent live in partner was permitted to do their own washing or cook for themselves.

She'd chide them with talk of silly men and how they couldn't he trusted, they had no idea how to use domestic appliances and couldn't to do it right on account of being men. She'd pick fault in the domestic chores they did do, criticise their perfectly adequate cooking and tell them off (like they were children) for not doing things 'properly'. Some of it she told me about and some of it I witnessed myself.

And there was always an air of, "Look at him! He's hopeless! Where/what would he be without me?!" about it all. When they weren't hopeless at all.

She didn't doubt their competencies when it came to changing the oil in her car or checking her tyre pressure (because, of course, she was a woman and women don't know how to do that sort of thing). Only when it came to domestic appliances.

My ex husband, my current partner and my previous exes have all don't things differently to me. Not badly or incorrectly, just differently. I don't assume a domestic superiority because I'm female but some women do.

CatsCuddles · 13/10/2024 13:44

Because being a single parent isn't easy? I didn't get a choice because he left me but if he didn't there is no way I would have chosen to be a single parent

toadlady · 13/10/2024 13:48

They can't afford it.
They are coerced/abused to stay.
They can't work without a partners help.
They can't own or even rent a house without a partners help.
They don't want to disrupt their kids lives.
They don't want to spend 50% of the time away from their kids.
They have no family and friends for support.
They truly believe bad behaviour is normal and not a big deal.
They can't be arsed with the upheaval and logistics of splitting.
I could go on.

There are many reasons that go beyond your 'women are doormats and put up with too much' narrative.

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 13:53

Whereas I dint believe some women think they are somehow superior to men re domestic duties.
I think they are superior (socialisation to start with abnd then day to day living experience because things are never 50/50 even in the most equitable relationship) plus men are also very good at playing being inept.

Eg talking about my dad, he is very keen at helping. But doesn’t seem to have learn yet that wool doesn’t go in the tumble drier. Cues for (usually my mum) stuff to be damaged..l.
And then you wonder why women step in and don’t ’let men do stuff’? Come on. its often not a question of standards. Bit about being willing to do things instead.

Autumnalfun · 13/10/2024 13:56

Other women encourage it too. I’ve just read a thread where the ops husband ignores her and rudely walks away. Snaps at her, and people are saying is it stress or autism. When quite frankly he’s just treating her like shit.

User135644 · 13/10/2024 14:05

Chowtime · 13/10/2024 09:14

I am seriously starting to think that women are also sex obsessed, not just men.
If you think the post is offensive, and I can't decide whether it is or not, then ask for it to be removed and let mumsnet decide.

Do you know how easy it is for women to get sex? Just walk into a bar or download Tinder..it's not difficult.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/10/2024 14:07

I think many women settle down and have kids before they have allowed their career to get properly going. Then, they give up work or reduce their hours so they are financial dependent and then this leaves them in a vulnerable position.

If I had my way, all girls would learn how to be financially independent and how important this is.

Obviously the patriarchy is so ingrained in many people’s minds and it’s so hard to fight against it that women end up in difficult positions.

MouseofCommons · 13/10/2024 14:10

Socialisation and lack of own money to go it alone.
It breaks my heart hearing colleagues talking about sexist husbands that leave all the housework up to them, on top of their jobs. Or the ones with partners who 'babysit'.

I have financial independence thanks to the Bank of M&D (I'm not some smart high flyer). I've told both dc's to make sure they are independent and can live alone before settling down.

username3678 · 13/10/2024 14:15

I've noticed that girls aren't brought up to be assertive. This is often modelled through their parents where the dad's life hasn't changed and mum runs around after everyone.

Some women hang on to bad relationships in the hope he'll change - all the red flags are there but they want a family. They then find that they're expected to do everything plus work.

Men who haven't been brought up to consider anyone apart from themselves, just let her get on with it.

Many single mothers end up considerably worse off and there's no penalty for feckless dads.

TL;DR Patriarchy

TheHighPriestess1 · 13/10/2024 14:53

Agree OP I often ask myself the same question. Especially when they say the OH/DH has always been that way. So why the hell did you go on to marry them and have 5 kids with them!

CasaBianca · 13/10/2024 14:58

Once you have children it becomes more difficult to leave but what I genuinely don’t understand is why women are even starting a relationship with a man who expects them to do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry etc surly this becomes visible as soon as you start spending time at eachother’s house or at the latest when you move in together.

Phineyj · 13/10/2024 15:04

There's a lot less of all that pre children. And more time to do it in. More money to outsource e.g. eat out.

cadburyegg · 13/10/2024 18:18

Are you a single parent? Because I am one and whilst you have to learn to be independent as fuck, it is extremely hard work not to mention isolating sometimes. Financially, emotionally, practically. Social media sometimes romanticises it but that's what it is. It can be easier if the ex is a hands on dad, but most of the time they aren't because let's be honest if they were, they'd still be together.

I grew up in a household with abusive parents so I know how damaging it can be to kids. That's why I made a different choice. But, for the most part, women don't want what I've described above, so they stick it out.