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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to force dd to get out London for 2 weeks

99 replies

OchreMentor · 12/10/2024 19:46

I'm out of ideas now. Dd16 has completely gone of the rails with her behaviour and I just want her go stay with my parents who live down in Eastbourne for a couple weeks to clear her head and get her away from the wrong crowd. Her grades have slipped at school, She is sneaking home early hours of morning, being very quiet when at home not speaking or acknowledging anyone, my son saw her and her friends drinking in the park at 3am the other say even though she insists her friends were drinking and not her. My heart sank when I found used pregnancy test in our outside rubbish she says not hers but I don't even know what to believe I just need a break because I can't think straight.

OP posts:

Differentstarts · 12/10/2024 22:49

Yanbu sometimes people need space from bad influences to regroup and think. I was moved as a teenager for a fresh start best thing that could of happened

MosaicRhino · 12/10/2024 22:54

Are there any other adults like a friend / sibling of yours who she trusts and could try and talk to her? Or alternatively look after the younger ones so you can carve out some 1-1 time? Could your son take on the littler ones for a few days?

MumChp · 12/10/2024 23:05

MumblesParty · 12/10/2024 22:39

@MumChp what is the GP’s role here? Given that the child is refusing to do a pregnancy test, so no one knows if she’s pregnant or not.

Show quote history

GP 'can help with a test if the girl is more comfortable with that than her mum doing it.
GP can help with councelling of a teen with behaviour issues affecting her thrive, her health and her family.
Councelling on not to get into a teen pregnancy or STIs would also be a GP thing.

I would happily go to our in a situation like this and we see a GP very rare.

Gardendiary · 12/10/2024 23:06

First off you need to establish if she is pregnant because that would go a long way to explaining what is going on and then she needs some nurturing and support at home.
if not, I think a circuit breaker could be a good idea. It depends upon your parents though, both mine worked extensively with children and teenagers and would be unflappable even in their 70s/80s. My in-laws would be completely out of their depth.
We did something similar with my ds when he was going off the rails and he went on a work trip with his dad (self employed) and I think it really helped him stabilise. He’s actually starting to wobble again so we’re all going away for half term and I’m hoping it might have a similar effect. I do appreciate that this is different because we are taking him, but I believe the advice for things like county lines is to get them out of the area - again I realise this is different but I still think it could be worth a go.

Hairyfairy01 · 12/10/2024 23:53

I think you need to presume she is pregnant here OP. Let her know you will support her no matter what she decides. Explain the importance of folic acid etc should she be thinking of keeping the baby, and the benefits of an earlier abortion over a medical one later on if that is the way she is thinking. Tell the school, they can hopefully provide her with some support. Arrange a gp appointment for her. Sending her off to her grandparents is not a solution right now.

AutumnalCosiness · 13/10/2024 08:00

Take your child to the chemist and do a test!
Don't send her away. Talk to het op.
Can you move?

AutumnalCosiness · 13/10/2024 08:02

Agree with @MumChp

Whoyoutakingto · 13/10/2024 12:13

Have you thought she may have been sexually abused? I know this sounds shocking but it needs ruling out, she may be struggling with feelings she doesn’t know how to handle.

Pollymagoo · 13/10/2024 18:23

If you speak to school they will have to speak to her about pregnancy. Safeguarding isdue

Sometimesright · 13/10/2024 18:31

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/10/2024 20:15

Who’s is it then?

Show quote history

Well if it is hers you will know soon enough! Have you told her she can tell you anything but lies?
I would let her know that she can tell you anything but if you find out that she is lying to you it will be worse than telling the truth.
it worked with mine but then they didn’t rebel that often really so I was lucky.

Deeperthantheocean · 13/10/2024 19:50

Oh I have all of this to come, can't be easy!

Sorry, I can't give advice from myself, but I can offer experiences from others.

Conversations I've had... yes you can absolutely ground a 16 year old child, take away their phone, games station etc. A nightmare and battle, but apparently it can be done. Problem is of course they can get another mobile, sneak out, mush harder these days. Xx

MrsPositivity1 · 13/10/2024 21:21

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Such a tough time for you and your daughter

CelestiaNoctis · 14/10/2024 01:58

From experience of being this girl, she really needs to be parented. She shouldn't be allowed out at night. She has to come home before dark. If she's caught drinking or smoking then she isn't allowed out at all for a certain period of time. Right now I wouldn't allow her out except for school until she took a pregnancy test for you. I'm not saying you're not parenting her at all by the way, but you need to be a lot stricter and stick to it. Don't give her opportunities. I would say it would take longer than 2 weeks by the coast to change her mentality and your parents are too old to stop her doing much. If she's easily sneaking out without you noticing then an older person definitely could be fooled. I'd get an alarm system that can't be turned off without a code so she can't sneak out and take her key when she's grounded.

TLDR you need to be tougher in this situation, I'm really sorry. I know being the mean parent isn't fun or easy but she needs more strict rules right now so she isn't able to be around these influences.

CelestiaNoctis · 14/10/2024 02:01

Also my parents were very easy going and I nearly ended up into very serious dr*gs at that age and definitely could've ended up pregnant but somehow that didn't happen through sheer luck.

Teaandtoast12 · 14/10/2024 03:56

Do you have any friends children who are a bit older like 18-21? Who are good role models sometimes young people are more receptive to other young people

QueenCremant · 14/10/2024 04:17

Is this new behaviour? Is there any possibility that she’s been raped? Has she put on weight or started wearing baggy clothes?

I would definitely talk to school and discuss your concerns.

if she won’t talk to you can you write her a letter or text her explaining that you are worried and that if she’s pregnant you are here to support her. Give her the gp number and say that if she won’t talk to you to at least talk to a gp.

if she’s pregnant she’s going to be terrified. And until you know for sure I wouldn’t be sending her off for 2 weeks.

CanelliniBeans · 14/10/2024 06:29

I agree with others to send younger dd to gp.
Then take time off work and be there for older dd.
Try to focus on the fact she's IN trouble rather than the cause of trouble. Be honest with her, tell her how much you care and whatever is happening you can work it out together.

WoosMama13 · 14/10/2024 09:36

Do you know the parents of the girls she's hanging around with? Contact them, mention the positive pregnancy test. At least threaten this to your daughter.
The potential embarrassment of your interference may then make her realise it's less embarrassing to settle your mind by doing a test with you there.
If it was indeed her positive test, she will hopefully see that she's not alone, because your support will be there, however she needs it.
If she is pregnant, her head may be a mess, hence her behaviour. If she is drinking, nature may step in, but it's not a time to wait and see.
Unfortunately she is 16, the GP will say she has confidentiality rights and you can't force an appointment or your attendance on her. Stupid rule for a child (16 is a child).
Also find a Brook Clinic or some other young persons sexual health advice and treatment centre. Leave the information laying around, so she sees it, but you don't force it on her. It may be enough to help her seek some help and they can then encourage her to communicate with you and they'll seek further input from other people as needed.

I wouldn't send her away and risk her going off the rails with your parents. You say they're not well enough to travel to support you there, why would they be well enough to cope with the potential for this behaviour or worse (running away) at theirs? She may well respect them (and I'm guessing she's been respectful to you while growing up, until recently?), but something's not right in her world at the moment, so anything out of the norm is possible.
Ban phones, other technology unless for homework, social media and ground her in half term. School and home only. If she sneaks out, police involvement. Drastic, but probably necessary.
I hope you find out soon regarding the test and things settle overall soon!

Dramatic · 14/10/2024 09:50

I was this teen, I can't even really explain why I was like that to be honest. I snapped out of it after I put myself in a very dangerous position one night and had the realisation that I was ruining my life. I don't think there's a whole lot you can do other than to make your daughter aware how much you love her and that you'll be there for her no matter what, make sure she knows that if she is pregnant you will support her in whatever way she needs but you need to know to be able to keep her healthy and to help her.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 14/10/2024 14:18

Sorry OP, I've dipped in and out of the thread so may have missed something, but if the pregnancy test was positive, do you feel you could go round and have a chat with your neighbour, tell her you're worried having found the test, that your daughter won't admit it's hers, and ask if she might have had a visit from anyone who could have done a test at hers. She may tell you to mind your own business, but if she's got a granddaughter, she'll probably understand where you're coming from, and do her best to help. Just a thought.

Flibberteegibbet · 14/10/2024 17:18

My own DD is now in her 20s but we have had some very difficult times with her growing up. From personal experience I don’t think sending your DD away will help. There is obviously something bothering her and you need to get to the bottom of it. Her school should have some sort of pastoral care available - they are very experienced at dealing with teenagers and their issues and helping them make sense of the world and also act as mediators. Good luck, I hope things improve for you all soon.

Kjpt140v · 15/10/2024 23:00

How old is your son?

TotHappy · 15/10/2024 23:33

I don't know if I'm reading a different post to everyone else or if I just had a rough upbringing but this doesn't sound so unusual to me? Drinking and potentially having sex at 16 - yeah. I'd say that was most 16 year olds. Sneaking out and being a dick while at home - utterly par for the course.
Thus doesn't mean its not awful for you, OP, I do feel that, but I was a total bitch to live with at the same age and for no reason really. Just teenage rebellion/general hormones/wanting to be cool.

I agree the pregnancy possibility is worrying and I don't think you're necessarily wrong to want her to go to her grandparents for a while. I just wanted to counteract the chorus of consternation. I think this is possibly normal.

Goodtogossip · 29/10/2024 12:52

I don't think sending her to your parents is the answer TBH. How has your relationship with her been up until recently? Are you usually close & is she usually open with you? If things have suddenly changed ask yourself what could've been the cause. Has she started hanging around with different friends? Is she happy at school, is she feeling the pressure of GCSE's & is trying to block things out? Try & have a quiet one to one chat with her when the younger kids aren't around. Ask her how she is & let her know you're concerned about the pregnancy test & whether it's hers or not. Reassure her that you'll be there for her & support her whatever she's going through & that she can talk to you anytime. If that doesn't work if she's close to her older brother can he maybe have a word & see if she'll confine in him?

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