to force dd to get out London for 2 weeks

[OchreMentor]

I'm out of ideas now. Dd16 has completely gone of the rails with her behaviour and I just want her go stay with my parents who live down in Eastbourne for a couple weeks to clear her head and get her away from the wrong crowd. Her grades have slipped at school, She is sneaking home early hours of morning, being very quiet when at home not speaking or acknowledging anyone, my son saw her and her friends drinking in the park at 3am the other say even though she insists her friends were drinking and not her. My heart sank when I found used pregnancy test in our outside rubbish she says not hers but I don't even know what to believe I just need a break because I can't think straight.

When you check her before you go to bed is she there or out ?

You can lock main front door and back door, keep the keys near but not in her eyesight, you can get indoor beams added to your house alarm.

When you tell her she can't be out, mixing with that crowd what does she say ? What does her father say ?

You can't send her to an elderly couple who can't even travel anywhere, what if she treats them badly ?

What about sitting down the 3 of you and talking it out and finding out what's causing her to behave like this

She sounds completely lost. If she is pregnant she is going to really need your support.

Is the younger kids dad around? I would be booking a couple of weeks away with your daughter. Get her away from her circle and give her mountains of attention. It's not too late to sort this, but you need to be proactive and she needs to know you have her back.

I think the idea was for you and your Dd to get a break away not two weeks away.

The two younger ones could have Thursday Friday and Monday off . That would give you a good 3 days and they could be back at school on Tuesday.

Things do have to trump school sometimes .

The reality is that if you 16 year old is pregnant, its urgent that she either gets an abortion or starts having proper pre-natal care for the sake of her and her unborn child. Unless you think that she will really open up to her grandparents and accept the help she needs in a way she won't to you, then this is not the time to send her away. YOU need to be making time for her NOW. If that means sending the little ones away from school for two weeks, then so be it. Or maybe keep her home from school and have all the school day with her and then be able to look after the little ones in the evening.

Yes she stays in overnight now I've locked her in. She just says that I'm wrong and never been a good parent e.t.c

Father not around

They are in their 70s but she takes care of herself I don't think I would be burdening them.

I've tried to take the sensitive approach and say I just want to talk but she isn't interested and won't cooperate.

Can the children's dad help out at all while you spend some time away with your daughter?

The fact she's refusing the pregnancy test isn't a good sign...

I suggested this but she said no she's going to school and has nothing to say to me

At the moment it is quite likely that your DD is pregnant and drinking. She needs help to get out of at least one of these things.

find someone who can look after the smaller children (easier) and take her away. Don’t send her to the grandparents, she needs her mum badly right now.

Long post sorry
I have lots of sympathy for you Op. When my DD1 was 10/11 &DS1 son was 8/9 I had another DD and 18mths later DS2.By 13/14 she was a nightmare, all she wanted was to be out with her friends doing god knows what and where.One time she just didn’t come home and I was bouncing from one friends house to another all night trying to find her with the police,looking at CCTV . Eventually she strolled back 11am and couldn’t see what the fuss was. She had stayed at a random house of a new acquaintance .
Thankfully we lived in a very small town but a decided to move very rural (think no neighbours for a mile) so she either had to walk 3or so miles to nearby village or ask for a lift which I was in control of.
Her school work was not affected. Until she had her own child aged 26 she still didn’t get it, then I got an apology. We have reflected on this many times she now says she felt abandoned by her Dad, he left at age 3 and after age 11 he just lost interest as she was less compliant. She also wanted to feel like she belonged.She thought she was a grown up and can see she was danger adverse. She looks back and regrets some of the things she did at this time but she is hard on herself and I have just has to say it was part of growing up and to forgive herself.
We have always been very open with each other and she has said me having the younger two altered dynamics which she also struggled with but feels I couldn’t have done any more. She is now a very successful adult but it took it out of me at the time.

What do you really think 2 weeks away would do though? When she comes back will she be a different person, have a different friend group? I understand the desperation but I really dont see how it will help at all. A complete change is needed surely?

Could you discuss it with her school? Do they have a counsellor. I think you need to work on the assumption she's pregnant and needs help. I'm sorry op. It sounds like a really upsetting situation. Is your relationship normally good? Did she suddenly change? I don't think you'll be able to get her away and I don't think you should try to send her to her grandparents. Acting out can be a cry for help.

Pretending this isn't happening isn't helping you or your DD, OP.

A positive pregnancy test in your household's rubbish ... c'mon. You know you've got problems here. And she's out all hours drinking?

Can you ask the school for help? The GP? You can't let this go.

She takes care of herself?

No. She doesn't. At all.

Schools generally have lots of support and experience with situations like this. They may well know the friends she's hanging out with, and have good advice, and ideally they will get her counselling. Have you tried talking to someone there? It's worth doing, not least because you'll get a fine for taking her off for 2 weeks unless you explain your reasoning.

You seem to be setting lots of store by the idea that taking her away from home will fix things, but she's highly likely to come back and get straight back to the same behaviour. Though I do understand that it means a break for you. I really feel for your whole family. Hope it all gets figured out.

I think you need to say unless she will take a test in front of you you will have to presume she is pregnant.
Then just act as if she is, it sounds a very likely and you don't have time to wait 2 weeks to deal with it. Tell her you are there to support her. Make a GP appointment. Speak to school. Explain her options. I know you both want to bury your head in the sand but I don't think you can. You don't know how far along she is, if she wants to terminate than the sooner the better for her sake.

Not sure what sending her away for 2 weeks will achieve.

I do think you need to find out for sure if she's pregnant or not.

I would talk to her school, they might have access to counselling or help you navigate this tricky period. I am sure she won't be the first troubled teen they've come across

What do you mean by in front of you

I think this is the thing that needs addressing first OP before there's any talk of her going anywhere to GP for any reprimanding for being out late. You need to dial back for a minute go into confidant mode and get this out of her if it's hers or make her do another one to be sure. The last thing you need is her going through this alone or terminating without your support.it will mess her up even more. Soon as this hurdle is crossed then yeah go for it re GP and all the wrath in the world.

Like literally buy a test and stand by the bathroom door while she does it and come in to wait for the results. I wouldn't normally want to be so strict but I think this is one of those extreme situations where you need to know for her health and potentially health of an unborn child.

The younger child can’t miss school due to her sister, completely unfair on her. If she is missing out of things then she may feel like she is being punished.

Sorry I should have known what you meant. I'm just so tired i can't even think.

An elderly neighbour cannot be pregnant. There is generally no such thing as a false positive pregnancy test (other than a chemical pregnancy but that is pretty rare). A positive is a positive.

@MumChp what is the GP’s role here? Given that the child is refusing to do a pregnancy test, so no one knows if she’s pregnant or not.

'She takes care of herself' 'wouldn't be a burden'. Just makes me wonder,
has she had to take on lot of responsibility from a young age, had to grow up quicker, does she/did she help look after the younger ones to support you with Dad not being around? What are the age gaps, does your 22 year live with you and help out?

My daughters best friends Dad left them when she was young, she has 2 younger siblings who are 4 years and 6 years younger than her, her mum asks her to help out and she really resents it, she fights a lot with her mum as in her head the younger ones 'have it easier' and are 'her mums favourites'. Her mum is doing her best but I do feel there is too much pressure on my daughters friend to almost be the 2nd parent, she loves coming round ours as there are no demands on her, she can just have fun and be a child, and I have plenty of time to sit and chat with her. She has asked me more than once to come live with us. Does your daughter have any trusted adults she can confide in OP?

First off OP, you are not alone. There are many, many parents in similar situations, feeling as if they are drowning, with their teenagers rebelling against everything their parents say. So, deep breaths. Feel free to message me, if you want to.
I have several children of my own, all very different, all the same upbringing. Some very successful academically, others less so. My youngest is the same age as your DD and struggling with life massively. Please don’t send her to her grandparents. Honestly, she will feel as if you are wiping your hands of her, and it won’t end well. Is there anyone who could take your younger children for a few days/ a week? You say that you don’t think it’s fair for your other children to miss school by staying with their grandparents, but it really will have less impact than if she does. My first step would be to speak to her school tutor/ head of house/ support worker and share your concerns with them. Ask them about her behaviour in school. Whether THEY have any concerns. Ask what support they can offer both of you - they might surprise you.
Take her away somewhere, just the two of you. And listen to her. Don’t lecture or nag. Actually listen to what she tells you. Academic studies and GCSE results are important , but they are really not the be all and end of life. It’s far more important for our children to come through school as well rounded young adults, equipped to face the world, and frankly “alive” and with the best mental health we can achieve. Atm I’m worried about my own daughter, she hides in her room, would sleep all day and never shower unless I encourage her (very strongly), but we talk, we go out once a week, just for an hour or two for a bite to eat, and we actually talk. She can tell me anything she wants to, and she knows I will support her and guide. Sometimes, I can feel myself getting exasperated or have to smother a giggle, but I listen and let her off load, while we try to find solutions together. She’s at an age where she really needs you to be her mum, and hard though it is, don’t make her feel as if she’s a burden/ unsolvable problem for you that you want to offload elsewhere.
Sending hugs … because it’s hard