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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - feel like partner hasn’t been honest

68 replies

Tiredmumma56789 · 12/10/2024 11:51

AIBU

Hello looking for some advice as I don’t know if I am overreacting.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years we have a 1 year old toddler and I am currently 4 months pregnant. We both work busy jobs, life has been chaotic and honestly this pregnancy has floored me - I had hyperemesis for the first 12 weeks requiring time off work. I have been doing so much better but feeling exhausted (probably still from being so sick) and fainted at work last week. All a sign we need to slow down probably.

My partner has taken up paint balling recently which has only 4 events a year but it is a 6 hour drive away by his parents and so he stays there overnight. He was due to go today but all of this week I had said I feel like it is a lot of pressure him going away at weekend, given the amount of stuff we have happening and he was away with work for two nights also. We had an arguement where he didn’t say the most pleasant things to me and said he was cancelling the paintball but would still go see his parents (they are elderly and he could do with helping out with some things).

This morning he has got up at 3am to go and then at 4am my daughter has starting vomiting so I have now been up with her being sick most of the morning. I have phoned him whilst he was driving to let him know and he has said he if we are okay he will still go to parents. I’ve checked the find my phone to check he arrived okay and…… he’s at the paintball not his parents.

He claims he cancelled it and then when he got closer someone cancelled so he took their spot. He can’t find the message or phonecall in which he apparently cancelled and Im now sure he never cancelled in first place.

I’m annoyed/upset/tired! that he’s been totally sneaky, continued to travel south whilst he knew I was juggling a sick toddler and not told me the truth. But I’m finding it hard to be rational - am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 12/10/2024 11:55

Hmm,
I would say you are overreacting but it is shit feeling poorly in pregnancy with a toddler so I can understand how you feel.
He should be allowed to do his hobby though if he only gets 4 events a year that's not a lot. He shouldn't have lied but maybe he feels like you are trying to restrict him?

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/10/2024 12:02

I think that you were out of order in trying to cancel a hobby that he only does 4 times per year. That's really mean. I also think that he was weak in not telling you to back off.
"Juggling a sick toddler" is a bit melodramatic. You two can have a nice, quiet, cosy weekend. Sounds like you need it.

GhostCicada · 12/10/2024 12:07

If both you and the toddler are ill just rest up on the sofa for the weekend. It sounds like you need a break, don't waste your energy being cross, all it will do is spoil your weekend.

Littys · 12/10/2024 12:41

OP, you now know he is a liar when it suits him, and is also unkind when asked to support you.

Do what you can to mind yourself this weekend.
Pregnancy can be very hard.
Do you think a second child is a good idea with such a man?
Two children under 2 is very very hard.

I realise other posters on MN are very quick to forgive very poor behaviour from men, but knowing that he can be very unkind with his words and is a liar, would give me pause.

Mind yourself OP, as best you can.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/10/2024 12:46

No this is sneaky and disrespectful. Who cares whether a space came up for paintball, the pint is that he claimed to be helping his parents. Can’t advise how you should respond to this but it is definitely shit behaviour in the circumstances.

MasterBeth · 12/10/2024 12:48

Absolute fucking man-child.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/10/2024 12:48

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/10/2024 12:02

I think that you were out of order in trying to cancel a hobby that he only does 4 times per year. That's really mean. I also think that he was weak in not telling you to back off.
"Juggling a sick toddler" is a bit melodramatic. You two can have a nice, quiet, cosy weekend. Sounds like you need it.

But does that justify her partner pretending to cancel and then blatantly lying to her?

leia24 · 12/10/2024 12:52

I think honestly that you were dramatic and that you could stay home with a sick 1 year old and watch TV and cuddle and just have a slow weekend. I think asking him to cancel plans because you fainted last week or because the baby vomited is unfair. However his dishonesty etc is a big issue I think and he should have either been honest or not gone.

ExtraOnions · 12/10/2024 12:53

If he was going to be out all day at his parents .. what’s the difference between being out all day seeing them, or out all day paintballing ?

Pennnny · 12/10/2024 12:53

I wouldnt begrudge my DH going to an event 4 times a year, and I'd be fine coping with a sick toddler so I can understand your rationale.

TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 12:55

The fact that he's lied to you is the biggest issue.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with a sick child, on top of feeling unwell yourself.

Your husband is very selfish.

AmeliaEarache · 12/10/2024 12:56

The whole “cancel paintballing but still stay with his parents” is insane. Who cares what he does while he’s 6 hours away? The point is that he’s not around to support you.

Either it’s ok that he’s away or it isn’t and he needs to help you. Having agreed he is away, what he does while there is irrelevant.

He had already set off when she started being unwell and it’s a 4 times a year occurrence. It’s not great timing for you, but that’s parenting; sometimes it’s you stuck with the vomiting child.

Sorry you’re having a rough pregnancy and I hope your daughter feels better soon.

Rhaidimiddim · 12/10/2024 12:58

He has a sick pregnant wife and a sick little daughter. And he goes paintballing!

He should have turned around to come home to you the moment he heard his daughter was not well.

Any dishonesty is secondary here to the total lack of love he is showing you and your daughter.

Fat finger edits.

TheUndoing · 12/10/2024 13:01

I’d be furious. Not only do I think it’s selfish to prioritise a hobby over you and your sick child, but he’s also been dishonest. I’d be having a very serious chat with him about how important trust is in a relationship. By all means he can have an adult conversation with you about family priorities and wanting time for hobbies but he can’t just lie to get his own way whilst you pick up the slack.

Dawevi · 12/10/2024 13:16

I would expect him to stay home given you're pregnant and unwell (the fainting would be enough to indicate you need rest).

I would definitely expect him to turn round and come back once he knew the toddler was also sick.

And lying to me would be a deal-breaker.

Redplenty · 12/10/2024 13:35

Sounds like he couldn't be bothered with another argument. Makes no difference if he's seeing his parents or paint balling, and makes the most sense if he does both at once. I'd be pissed off if my partner said I couldn't do my hobby that I do four times a year because they were pregnant. You're going to spend a lot of time dealing with vomit with a toddler and a baby, that's just the norm. You'll also be much keener for him to stay home once you've got two babies so he's probably keen to go while he still can.

pinkdelight · 12/10/2024 13:35

I'd find it pretty shit that he's 'recently' taken up this hobby that's 6 hours away (seriously?? there's nothing closer?), presumably since becoming a father.

You've got a 1yo and another on the way. Now is NOT the time to be taking up such a hobby, and it's not like it's some lifelong passion. It's ruddy paintballing. Which he could've done at any time in the past and can do at any time in the future, but bizarrely he zeroes in on it as a matter of important right now. Honestly, it's so odd that it's so far and so unmissable and necessitates staying over and being shifty about it, that it makes me think something else is going on.

But regardless, I'd take this blatant lie to be the dealbreaker - no more paintball BS until the DC are older. He can do something local or game or whatever means he's able to do his share of the parenting and play soldiers another time.

wickerlady · 12/10/2024 13:41

God some men have it rough.

Fastback · 12/10/2024 14:01

He’s an immature selfish liar.

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/10/2024 14:07

pinkdelight · 12/10/2024 13:35

I'd find it pretty shit that he's 'recently' taken up this hobby that's 6 hours away (seriously?? there's nothing closer?), presumably since becoming a father.

You've got a 1yo and another on the way. Now is NOT the time to be taking up such a hobby, and it's not like it's some lifelong passion. It's ruddy paintballing. Which he could've done at any time in the past and can do at any time in the future, but bizarrely he zeroes in on it as a matter of important right now. Honestly, it's so odd that it's so far and so unmissable and necessitates staying over and being shifty about it, that it makes me think something else is going on.

But regardless, I'd take this blatant lie to be the dealbreaker - no more paintball BS until the DC are older. He can do something local or game or whatever means he's able to do his share of the parenting and play soldiers another time.

This exactly!

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 12/10/2024 14:11

4 times a year isn't much but considering the circumstances it wouldn't kill him to miss it and I would be pissed off with the lying!

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/10/2024 14:13

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 12/10/2024 14:11

4 times a year isn't much but considering the circumstances it wouldn't kill him to miss it and I would be pissed off with the lying!

There's no reason to go paintballing 6 hours away though. There will be other places significantly closer unless he lives in the Outer Hebrides.

Terrribletwos · 12/10/2024 14:16

Tiredmumma56789 · 12/10/2024 11:51

AIBU

Hello looking for some advice as I don’t know if I am overreacting.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years we have a 1 year old toddler and I am currently 4 months pregnant. We both work busy jobs, life has been chaotic and honestly this pregnancy has floored me - I had hyperemesis for the first 12 weeks requiring time off work. I have been doing so much better but feeling exhausted (probably still from being so sick) and fainted at work last week. All a sign we need to slow down probably.

My partner has taken up paint balling recently which has only 4 events a year but it is a 6 hour drive away by his parents and so he stays there overnight. He was due to go today but all of this week I had said I feel like it is a lot of pressure him going away at weekend, given the amount of stuff we have happening and he was away with work for two nights also. We had an arguement where he didn’t say the most pleasant things to me and said he was cancelling the paintball but would still go see his parents (they are elderly and he could do with helping out with some things).

This morning he has got up at 3am to go and then at 4am my daughter has starting vomiting so I have now been up with her being sick most of the morning. I have phoned him whilst he was driving to let him know and he has said he if we are okay he will still go to parents. I’ve checked the find my phone to check he arrived okay and…… he’s at the paintball not his parents.

He claims he cancelled it and then when he got closer someone cancelled so he took their spot. He can’t find the message or phonecall in which he apparently cancelled and Im now sure he never cancelled in first place.

I’m annoyed/upset/tired! that he’s been totally sneaky, continued to travel south whilst he knew I was juggling a sick toddler and not told me the truth. But I’m finding it hard to be rational - am I overreacting?

No, I think he should be here with you. He doesn't sound at all considerate.

TheShellBeach · 12/10/2024 14:24

@Terrribletwos what made you quote the whole OP?

dermalermalurd · 12/10/2024 14:26

The 1 year old wasn't sick when he left so he hasn't prioritised his parents over the toddler. Why would you find him when he is half way up the motorway? What on earth did you expect him to do? If your toddler was rushed to hospital, fine. If you were being rushed to hospital, fine again. But the 1 year old being sick? So what?
A 4 times a year hobby is hardly selfish. As long as you have the option to get away from the home / family similarly then I don't see the problem. He does seem to have been a bit of a dick (possibly) if he has lied about it but maybe you are being thoroughly unfair and he is just trying to to have a confrontation because you are pregnant and have been ill recently. If it were me in his shoes, I'd be fed up with your behaviour over this.

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