AIBU - feel like partner hasn’t been honest

[Tiredmumma56789]

AIBU

Hello looking for some advice as I don’t know if I am overreacting.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years we have a 1 year old toddler and I am currently 4 months pregnant. We both work busy jobs, life has been chaotic and honestly this pregnancy has floored me - I had hyperemesis for the first 12 weeks requiring time off work. I have been doing so much better but feeling exhausted (probably still from being so sick) and fainted at work last week. All a sign we need to slow down probably.

My partner has taken up paint balling recently which has only 4 events a year but it is a 6 hour drive away by his parents and so he stays there overnight. He was due to go today but all of this week I had said I feel like it is a lot of pressure him going away at weekend, given the amount of stuff we have happening and he was away with work for two nights also. We had an arguement where he didn’t say the most pleasant things to me and said he was cancelling the paintball but would still go see his parents (they are elderly and he could do with helping out with some things).

This morning he has got up at 3am to go and then at 4am my daughter has starting vomiting so I have now been up with her being sick most of the morning. I have phoned him whilst he was driving to let him know and he has said he if we are okay he will still go to parents. I’ve checked the find my phone to check he arrived okay and…… he’s at the paintball not his parents.

He claims he cancelled it and then when he got closer someone cancelled so he took their spot. He can’t find the message or phonecall in which he apparently cancelled and Im now sure he never cancelled in first place.

I’m annoyed/upset/tired! that he’s been totally sneaky, continued to travel south whilst he knew I was juggling a sick toddler and not told me the truth. But I’m finding it hard to be rational - am I overreacting?

No idea? Is there a way I can't?

No, not at all. I think it was really weak. Sounds like he needs to stand up to the browbeating not lie for an easier life.

If the roles were reversed...i wouldn't go away for thr weekend leaving a pregnant partner that was so run down they'd been fainting etc, looking after a sick toddler who had been up vomiting since 4am. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself knowing that everyone was having such a shit time at home. So I don't think you are being unreasonable.

He’s a liar . Men with a pregnant wife who has been ill , works full time should look after their toddler at the weekend to allow the wife to rest a bit. Bugger the paintballing ! This is not the time to do it!

He can do a hobby that doesn’t need him to be away for such a long time , and so selfish to wake you up leaving at a crazy time.

SELFISH !

He lied which isn't great but tbf he shouldn't have had to.
You have one child and are pregnant, I get that you've had a rough pregnancy but making him cancel the weekend was pretty shit of you-I wouldn't have cancelled in his position. He does it 4 times a year, it's hardly a big ask for you to care for your own child for the weekend is it?

His parents are 6 hours away, regardless of what he's doing while he's there. Are you going to stop him seeing his parents when you can't look after a baby and a toddler?
Maybe you should reconsider having a 2nd child so close together.

There must be somewhere he can do paintballing which isn't a 6 hour drive away.

You did read where she's been really unwell in the pregnancy and fainted at work?

He needs to find a hobby closer to home.

And as she's ill because she's pregnant with HIS child, he could make the odd sacrifice?

Bit bloody late, don't you think??

FGS

All these bloody Supermothers on here!

My DH wouldn't have even had a discussion

It wouldn't have occurred to him to go

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@Nanny0gg - even if he'd left before the toddler got ill?

I think it's different if he's still home, but to expect he'd turn back feels a bit extreme for a child being sick. It's usually pretty straightforward to have a duvet day with a small poorly one.

He just started this hobby during the first year of his child’s life and for the last four months his partner has been pregnant with HE and not able to work. This is not a longstanding hobby—though Im fucked if I would care—that he only does four times a year. It is a new hobby that he arranged four times already this year.

In addition he is simply using his elderly parents as the excuse/convenient bed closest to his hobby. The people I know who need to ^take time away from toddler care* to do eldercare usually are women but in any event they also have a todo list so long they don’t also have time for a hobby.

I can’t believe the number of MN who implicitly and explicitly assume men accept no duty towards their own children or pregnant partners if it delays their hobby/homosocial friend playtime in the slightest.

Welll, visiting his parents at the same time is also a reason.

No. It's actually not too late.

Is paintballing code for something else, why would that only happen 4 times a year so far away?
Obviously he shouldnt have lied but if he's away for the weekend anyway is it worse that he doesn't spend every minute with his parents?

Hmmm - I think a 4 times a year hobby is fine but given you are struggling with your pregnancy and fainted at work last week I think my OH probably would have decided not to go at all. Lying about cancelling it is odd - surely it’s the being away you have an issue with, not whether he is paint balling or seeing his parents?

suggesting someone has an abortion or puts their child up for adoption when they given no indication they are considering it, just because they are pissed off with their husband is a vile thing to suggest.

No, I do not think YABU. I am all for people having hobbies but in those circumstances, my dh wouldn’t dream of leaving me to go to his hobby. And when he had the most god awful food poisoning which lasted 2 weeks and made him faint and constantly throw up, I didn’t leave him to go do my hobby either. And the lying? I couldn’t bloody stand it.

Some awful replies on here. The OP has been fighting serious symptoms for 4 months and is clearly struggling. He has, in that time frame taken up this new hobby. It makes a huge difference if he is paintballing or helping his elderly parents as the former is a leisure activity that is entirely optional and unnecessary and the latter is something I would expect a decent person to do and to maybe be "worth" asking the OP to cope alone for. If he got up at 3 (not left) and she rang at 4 he can't have been too far away.

OP ignore the posters on here who will equate this new and entirely frivolous "hobby" with their lifelong commitment to a sport that had pre children and who have zero empathy or imagination that your pregnancy may have been tougher than theirs. I do think a serious conversation is needed about priorities going forward but I'm not sure it will help to forensically unpick this weekend's plans. He knows you know.

Don't you need a minimum of 2 toddlers to juggle?

It certainly sounds as if he told you a rather large lie here, then compounded it by calling you some unpleasant things.
Really, if had any decency, he would have offered to turn around and come home.
However, and I may be generalising here about men, will he be of any use to you? Will he be holding your daughter's hair back while she is sick? Changing the sheets? Doing wahing? Cooking meals? Is it worth him coming back to potentially bexa sulky grown up
Let him feel guilty when he gets home; if he is any kind of acrational being, he will realise what a selfish arse he has been

If you felt rubbish he shouldn't have gone.

He obviously felt bad going paint balling while you were ill so lied to make himself feel better.

I'd be pretty annoyed. Weekends away are fine if both parents agree.

Goodness.
If my dh lied to do a hobby I’d be furious and I would lose all respect for him.
He knows he’s being selfish otherwise he would have said that he considered 4 events a year fair and he was going anyway.