AIBU - feel like partner hasn’t been honest

[Tiredmumma56789]

AIBU

Hello looking for some advice as I don’t know if I am overreacting.

My partner and I have been together for 13 years we have a 1 year old toddler and I am currently 4 months pregnant. We both work busy jobs, life has been chaotic and honestly this pregnancy has floored me - I had hyperemesis for the first 12 weeks requiring time off work. I have been doing so much better but feeling exhausted (probably still from being so sick) and fainted at work last week. All a sign we need to slow down probably.

My partner has taken up paint balling recently which has only 4 events a year but it is a 6 hour drive away by his parents and so he stays there overnight. He was due to go today but all of this week I had said I feel like it is a lot of pressure him going away at weekend, given the amount of stuff we have happening and he was away with work for two nights also. We had an arguement where he didn’t say the most pleasant things to me and said he was cancelling the paintball but would still go see his parents (they are elderly and he could do with helping out with some things).

This morning he has got up at 3am to go and then at 4am my daughter has starting vomiting so I have now been up with her being sick most of the morning. I have phoned him whilst he was driving to let him know and he has said he if we are okay he will still go to parents. I’ve checked the find my phone to check he arrived okay and…… he’s at the paintball not his parents.

He claims he cancelled it and then when he got closer someone cancelled so he took their spot. He can’t find the message or phonecall in which he apparently cancelled and Im now sure he never cancelled in first place.

I’m annoyed/upset/tired! that he’s been totally sneaky, continued to travel south whilst he knew I was juggling a sick toddler and not told me the truth. But I’m finding it hard to be rational - am I overreacting?

From this post alone it sounds like yabu. You clearly don't want him to go paintballing so he lied for a quiet life. He absolutely should not have and I'd be fuming too, but he should be able to pursue his hobby without you deciding its too much. I mean no disrespect when I say this but having been a single parent to 3 kids it baffles me when people expect their partner to cancel plans because they cannot cope with their own kids. Why not put some energy into planning some downtime of your own?

They aren't married. She can't cope with a sick toddler because she's unwell and her partner has left to be 6 hours away. That is your opinion that it is vile.
My opinion is the children that ended up neglected and in care because their mother couldn't cope with two under two and her partner left (because he didn't actually want the second child) and spent more time away when she got pregnant, would have been in a better situation with only one child.
It's a fact that it's a choice, whether you like it or not.

Lying is a red line for me. And this is lying over something completely childish and trivial - to me, that suggests he will have no hesitation in lying about something more serious, when the stakes are higher and he feels cornered. I would not marry him.

@mamajong she can't exactly plan to not feel shit from pregnancy can she? Her partner can't take that off her for a few hours can he? There's hobbies which don't involve 12 hour round trips and it's ludicrous to suggest that she's some unreasonable nag. I'm sure she'd be fine for him to pop off for a couple hours for football or whatever.

Everyone is different but does the op not have friends and family who can support? I was a single parent to 3, sometimes we were all sick and it's shit but you just batten down the hatches and get through it. Sounds like the op was prepared to manage if he was just seeing his parents but not if he is seeing his friends, which does make it sound like its the hobby that's the issue.

I have a hobby that involves a full weekend away twice a year, and my current dp will care for my dc as well as his so I can pursue it. I come home happy and refreshed and a better mum and partner. Equally he sometimes goes away with friends and I step up. If one of is was seriously ill of course we would cancel and come back but otherwise we cope.

For me personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship where that wasn't the case but respect we all have different boundaries, and this is my opinion.

What the fuck are you going on about?

having been a single parent to 3 kids it baffles me when people expect their partner to cancel plans because they cannot cope with their own kids.

So because some men do FA and the woman has to do everything, that's where the bar is and other men shouldn't be expected to be decent parents who do their fair share and are honest with each other? I'm sorry you had to do it all for your DC, but that absolutely does not give this guy a good reason to suddenly take up paintballing 6 hours away as soon as he becomes a father and lie about it so he can leave his struggling pregnant partner and one year old to suck it up. Standards can be higher and letting them drop so low doesn't help anyone.

Ok so he's lied to do what he wants to do.

I'm guessing, and I could be wrong, that he's all round a bit shit?

If he wasn't then I'm sure you wouldn't mind him going if he pulled his weight other times.

OP what's he like generally ? (didn't RTFT so sorry if you've answered).

@mamajong but she is pretty seriously ill. She fainted last week and is probably about to pick up a vomiting bug from the toddler. A decent partner would have stepped up and dealt with that to try and avoid the op getting further ill. As the pp said, just because you could and did cope, does not mean everyone can or should if there's an alternative.

I have a happy healthy relationship now and we both fly solo with our children, even when it's difficult so we can both pursue our individual interests as well as being parents and partners. Imo that's setting a high standard for our relationship, just because I disagree with you does not mean have low standards, but if that's your opinion then you're entitled to it.

The risk is in stifling one another's individuality you risk stifling the relationship and could end up doing it all alone anyway.

If the OP felt able to cope if he was visiting his parents but not if he is paintballing 🤨

My point is the OP seemed able to cope if it's his parents he is visiting but not the paintballing - what difference does it make, surely you can either manage or you can't. I fainted during my pregnancy, personally I wouldn't call that a serious illness but happy to agree to disagree

I was sick throughout my pregnancies so he wouldn't have left me in the first place

Me and DH pursue individual interests and can fly solo too, but in this specific case, with a 1yo and being 4 months pregnant and struggling, it's not a matter of independent hobbies and flying solo. It's clearly a situation where OP needed help way more than DP needed to paintball, or indeed 'visit parents' which is just his convenient euphemism for paintballing anyway. It's not that OP felt able to cope. It's that invoking the parents made her feel like she couldn't object to it, which was precisely the DP's plan. Hence I can't fathom making excuses for him.

I was sick throughout my pregnancies and he worked away 3 days a week, so I understand our baseline are different. (The thinnest I’ve been as an adult was my first two trimesters, it was bloody awful)

That doesn’t make me a martyr or superior in any way, because it wasn’t anything we could do owt about. You play the hand you’re dealt. However, I accept it does make me more phlegmatic about coping with sickness.

I did get remarkably quick at recovering from throwing up by pregnancy 3 though. What a bloody useless superpower.

I find the competitive misery on these threads baffling. The OP isn’t a single parent and she shouldn’t have to cope alone when unwell herself because she has a supposedly loving and supportive partner. Why on earth should she have to cope like a single parent and tolerate being lied to just to facilitate his new found wildly inconvenient hobby?

Those berating the OP have clearly never suffered from hyperemesis. It's debilitating. I could barely take care of myself for months and needed help getting in and out of the bath. Even if their toddler was in full health, the dad should be doing the bulk of the childcare as mum will just not be capable. Driving 6 hrs to go paintballing instead of looking after his child and caring for his sick partner is beyond selfish. To add, when I had hyperemesis I was in and out of hospital all the time. What if OP needed to be admitted and her partner was 6 hrs away? What a monumental bellend.

I'm not defending the OP because I don’t necessarily think she’s being reasonable, however, she’s pissed off her husband lied. That’s very different to saying she’s not capable of looking after a toddler for 6 hours on her own.

Yeah he's a liar. He lied so easily too. Can't be trusted.