To end it now…?

[Freestyleblock]

NC & buckle in as this is long.

DP & I have been together for 2 years. Although we have known each other for 20. He has DD (5) and I have DD (15). He moved in 15 months ago.

In this time we have been through A LOT!

His family never approved of our relationship, so that was/is stressful.

SIL went out of her way to spread lies about me, made up stories about my DD to DP’s ex which resulted in DP being taken to court to change their child arrangement order, very stressful, expensive and little SDD so confused by it all.

He gave up his job to start a business - which is going really well now but was a slow start putting enormous financial strain on us.

My DD suffered a significant bereavement which affected her mental health - she seems a lot better now with CAMHs support. - this was what SIL tried to use with DP’s ex said awful/untrue things about my DD.

I had a cancer scare - thankfully all ok now.

We were referred to SS anonymously for allegations of DV and had a full investigation, that closed.

My work added extra demands which meant changing our routine significantly but I am main bread winner we had to suck it up.

We (against better judgment) were trying for a baby though all of this which never happened for us, DP blames me for calling a stop to it, I blame him for not really wanting it to start with. - We are not doing this now, but it was another stress.

Following this DP turned to drink. Drinking every day to oblivion, so he was not present from finishing work onward, we had huge rows when we didn’t have the children with us, all our ’child free’ time ruined. He then disclosed he had suffered with alcohol issues before! He went to AA then stopped.

A few weeks ago, no children in the home, we got drunk, ended up with police and ambulance being called, was a complete mess. Another referral was put in to SS (rightly so) and we had to do all the right things to put our life back together.

DP has stopped drinking everyday, focusing on work and the kids. He is so motivated and keen to learn from all of our mistakes and move forward positively. I just feel numb. I feel shell shocked. I can’t see the future and I’m tempted to end the relationship. I have mentioned this to DP and he is devastated and can’t see why when we have been through so much.

In all of this, we have achieved so much positive, we have helped our girls get through a lot of shit, we have renovated our house, built a successful business. I love him and I know he loves me, we have just been dealt an incredibly hard card.

Any advice would be greatly received

You've been through a really hard time and it doesn't seem like you're both in the same place emotionally. Seems to me that you need a bit of time to just breathe and sort yourself.
I'm not an expert but I've been through a tough time about 7 years ago with my DP. I called a halt to our relationship for 6 weeks about 2 years ago, I just needed time to process and decide what I wanted without him having input. We're still together, our DS adores his dad and I've settled for being content.
Not sure if this is of any help to you but I hope you find your way to get to a better place for you.

“Following this DP turned to drink. Drinking every day to oblivion”. A big drip feed. It would be sensible for you and your DD to end it or at least for him to move out.

Long term you need to think about your boundaries. Offering to financially support a man you’ve only been with for less than 2 years, maybe only a year at the time was never going to be a good plan.

This.

How can it even be a question? Get this freeloading tosser out of your daughter's life. Immediately.

TTC and moving in together was a huge error in judgment. Maybe take a few years off dating, and focus on your child.

I would end the relationship but remain a supportive friend with regard to his alcohol misuse disorder. It’s a positive thing that you don’t have children in common. Look after yourself and your own family and enjoy a stress free life going forward.

What exactly happened on the night that police and ambulances were called? Who was hurt?

A few weeks ago, no children in the home, we got drunk, ended up with police and ambulance being called, was a complete mess. Another referral was put in to SS (rightly so) and we had to do all the right things to put our life back together

What actually happened?
Who called the police?
Who called the ambulance?
Did one of you go to hospital? Why?
Was one of you violent to the other?

Also, why don’t his family approve of you?

Who was investigated for DV - you or him?

All very important info you’ve glossed over.

Even without this info it sounds very messy and can’t be doing your children any good. I think you do need to be strong and end it - at the very least until he is 100% sober long term. And even then take things very slow.

It sounds like an absolute shit show and like you’re describing a 20 year relationship not a 2 year relationship!

If he disclosed to you that he has had alcohol issues why are you then going on to have drink binges together at home that are so heavy you’re needing police and ambulance to attend. You’re encouraging his drinking habit.

You both thinking it would be a great idea to try to have a child in the middle of his family drama, court and custody drama, social service drama, your own daughters mental health dramas, financial dramas, work dramas and his alcohol dramas is INSANE. You sound like a pair of teenagers who aren’t actually seeing their relationship and situations for what they are.

Focus on your daughter and providing a calm home life for her and leave this situation behind.

I don't understand why you knowingly got drunk TOGETHER if he was actively trying not to drink ? It all sounds very unhealthy your DP is a recovering alcoholic yet you knowingly drink with him I just can't get my head around that an alcoholic can not drink ... not even one drink.

Not unreasonable to end it at all.

You have tried, provided and sacrificed so much already. Take some time apart. He is NOT your responsibility and you do not need to be his breadwinner

I have a heart condition and had some breathing issues in bed as I tried to sleep off the drink & argument. DP called an ambulance but when they arrived we were drunk and arguing so they called the police.

The ambulance crew called the police
I went to hospital to be checked over and was fine.
No violence.
The allegation was against him, stating he was abusing towards me

You both sound like a mess. I think it's better to end the relationship and spend some time working on yourselves and creating a better environment for your kids 🫤

DP turned to drink. Drinking every day to oblivion

Given the timescales involved, he hasn't been clean and sober for more than a week or two at most.

End it. A relationship with an addict (he's barely in recovery, very much still an addict) is not a good idea.

And that's without all of the rest. You can't possibly be enjoying this chaos? What on earth possessed you to agree to try for a baby in these circumstances?

Doesn't sound like you're good for each other. His drink problems may come back later when another issue occurs, think about your daughter and move on.

What shit have the girls been through? Could further issues be avoided if you split?

• You're the main earner, so you're propping him up financially
• Not only that, but he increased the burden on you by jacking in his job to start a business (and you have been with him for only 2 years! How long were you together before he became dependent on you?)
• He's a long term alcoholic (and previously failed to disclose this to you)
• He has allegations of DV against him
• His behaviour when drunk was so bad that ambulance workers called the police
• His involvement in your and your kid's lives has led to SS getting involved
• His judgement is so poor that he wants to try for a baby in the middle of this mess

What are the good points about this relationship exactly?

You've "been through so much shit" as you've allowed this car crash of a relationship to continue.

You have a DD at an age where modeling acceptable behaviour is incredibly important.

You need to do better. Much better.

Well said

The OP is using "we've been through a lot" to describe a lot of poor choices and chaotic behaviour here.

If DP is an alcoholic, why on earth are you both drinking at home? Why is there alcohol in the house?

Clearly it's a toxic, chaotic relationship and you should never have moved in together in the first place. But now you have, your children's lives will be affected if you split up. What's the plan if you do split - could you both support yourselves and have somewhere safe for your children to live? How have your children adapted to a blended family? Do they get on? I'm guessing with the age gap they're probably not that close, but you risk messing them up more if they have bonded.

I don't personally understand why anyone would stay in a relationship like this. I broke up with my last boyfriend because we had a couple of shouty rows and I hated it. But your focus here needs to be your children, not you.

Please don't bring another helpless and vulnerable person into this car crash. You need to focus on creating and maintaining a stable loving environment for your existing children. To be honest I wouldn't be trying to do that with this guy (even if he wasn't an alcoholic), he doesn't sound like calm and steady parent/partner material and has made some spectacularly poor choices. You both have really.

Please put the wellbeing and best interests of the children first.

The OP can obviously support herself - she's the breadwinner. As for the bloke, he's a grown man and it's not the OP's problem.

He lied to her about his previous alcoholism, she doesn't owe him anything.

OP - end it, and lift your bar for the future. Your poor DD, having to deal with this level of chaos.

Poor kids

Why don’t his family approve of your relationship?

It seems that despite your long OP a lot of info has been missed out that may be relevant. Why does your DP's family hate you? There must be some reason. Presumably it was one of them who called SS on you. The fact that you've known him for 20 years, but had no idea that he is an alcoholic seems strange.

But all of it is pretty irrelevant actually. You sound like a couple who shouldn't be together. It's a horrendous amount of drama and trauma for the two DC involved. Thank goodness that you didn't fall pregnant in amongst this mess. Please, end it right now. Get him out of your house and out of your DD's life. Your decision making appears to be poor, so a period of reflection and some relationship counselling sounds like it is in order, but that's for the future, once you've ended this disastrous relationship.

So he has a drink problem and you decide to get drunk with him. I think he is not the only problem.