To end it now…?

[Freestyleblock]

NC & buckle in as this is long.

DP & I have been together for 2 years. Although we have known each other for 20. He has DD (5) and I have DD (15). He moved in 15 months ago.

In this time we have been through A LOT!

His family never approved of our relationship, so that was/is stressful.

SIL went out of her way to spread lies about me, made up stories about my DD to DP’s ex which resulted in DP being taken to court to change their child arrangement order, very stressful, expensive and little SDD so confused by it all.

He gave up his job to start a business - which is going really well now but was a slow start putting enormous financial strain on us.

My DD suffered a significant bereavement which affected her mental health - she seems a lot better now with CAMHs support. - this was what SIL tried to use with DP’s ex said awful/untrue things about my DD.

I had a cancer scare - thankfully all ok now.

We were referred to SS anonymously for allegations of DV and had a full investigation, that closed.

My work added extra demands which meant changing our routine significantly but I am main bread winner we had to suck it up.

We (against better judgment) were trying for a baby though all of this which never happened for us, DP blames me for calling a stop to it, I blame him for not really wanting it to start with. - We are not doing this now, but it was another stress.

Following this DP turned to drink. Drinking every day to oblivion, so he was not present from finishing work onward, we had huge rows when we didn’t have the children with us, all our ’child free’ time ruined. He then disclosed he had suffered with alcohol issues before! He went to AA then stopped.

A few weeks ago, no children in the home, we got drunk, ended up with police and ambulance being called, was a complete mess. Another referral was put in to SS (rightly so) and we had to do all the right things to put our life back together.

DP has stopped drinking everyday, focusing on work and the kids. He is so motivated and keen to learn from all of our mistakes and move forward positively. I just feel numb. I feel shell shocked. I can’t see the future and I’m tempted to end the relationship. I have mentioned this to DP and he is devastated and can’t see why when we have been through so much.

In all of this, we have achieved so much positive, we have helped our girls get through a lot of shit, we have renovated our house, built a successful business. I love him and I know he loves me, we have just been dealt an incredibly hard card.

Any advice would be greatly received

I think you moved in too soon.
If you don't want to finish it I think one of you needs to move out.
And just date.
It seems an awful lot of hassle for a 2 year relationship.

Relationships are not meant to be this much hard work.

So he has a drink problem and you decide to get drunk with him. I think he is not the only problem.

💯

Honestly OP, you have brought a shit show upon yourself and your daughter with an addict from a horrible family and ex.
Your poor child.
End this relationship with this alcoholic and focus on your daughters recovery.
Of course this shit show has negatively impacted her.

He's a drinker OP, it's how he deals with his problems. He might be fine now and I'm sure he's been fine at other stages too - but this is how he deals with his problems. Please don't have a child and tie yourself to this man. He needs to move out and you need to concentrate on your child, this is not an environment for her to grow up in, having social services in and out her life.

Why don’t your SIL approve of you? How did you know each other for 20 years before? Were you the OW?

Sort yourself out. Disgraceful parenting.

Yes of course you should end it.
What an absolute mess and their are children missed up in this.

I think it's disgraceful that you got drunk with him when you know he is an alcoholic. And then you ended up having to have an ambulance called and the police.

End it now and then sort yourself out because he's not the only one with massive issues.

Given that the OP drank to the extent an ambulance needed to be called, he's not the only problem drinker in these kid's lives. If you have a medical condition that is triggered by excess drinking, a sensible adult would moderate their intake appropriately.

We are not sure, it was ok to begin with, Iv known them years but they wanted DP to remain living with them not move in with me and it went down hill then really, they never said why, we think they wanted to keep him there so that he could look after them as they are getting older

Again not really sure. I wasn’t OW, but she is very friendly with DP’s ex

we have just been dealt an incredibly hard card.

To be honest, I don’t think you’ve been dealt a particularly hard card - the relationship just doesn’t work.

You have been dealing with stuff, I’m not denying that and this would put a strain on the relationship but people deal with stuff all of the time.

You cannot have a perfect relationship.
It doesn’t exist.

But you can be in a relationship that is supportive and helps you deal with these things.

Him becoming alcohol dependent and then you joining in with his drinking is one snippet of your relationship and frankly it’s a joke.

I think the ex and SIL have genuine concerns and I think they are right in having these concerns.

I’m glad you stopped TTC and think you’re both mad to have been tried with everything going on.

It’s time to end things and both let go of this drama.

Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and supportive.
If they’re not, then be single.

I suspect they didn’t want him to move in with you because a. They know his history better than you. B. It was much much too soon. c. You don’t seem like a good influence on him.

Just for context, why did he and ex split up?

I think because you've known him a long time you have rushed into the relationship. In 15 months you've moved in together, refurbed a house, tried to ttc and decided to stop... that's way way too much, too fast for a 15 month relationship - no matter how long you've known him, even without all the other shit.

I'd take some time and space and figure out whether it's actually the right relationship for you. You might love him, but are you really ok with making your dd live with an alcoholic? Do you want to live with an alcoholic? And with the family baggage as well? I think you both deserve better tbh

You’re choosing your own hard card with this one. And paying for the pleasure. Own your own terrible choices, prioritize your child, and end it imo.

To be honest it just sounds like hard work all round. If it was just his family causing issues, you could cut them off and live your lives but it seems there are a whole host of issues.

Relationships are ultimately supposed to enhance your life, your life should be better for having that person in it, and this doesn’t sound that way.

And 2yrs in, this should still be the ‘honeymoon period’ not constant hard work.

You remind me of a couple who used to live near us. She was a known alcoholic and went off to rehab. And when she came back her husband took her down to the beach to celebrate with a bottle of champagne.

This sounds shit, you’d be unreasonable to carry on 😬

The relationship sounds a mess to be honest. No wonder his family aren't happy about it. Health issues, alcoholism and mental health problems for your teenage daughter and you were wanting to add a baby to the mix? I would have to question your judgement and decision making. The healthiest thing for both you and your daughter would be to end this relationship before it all spirals out of control again.

This 100%

There are just too many problems between you, not least alcohol.
Some of this run of problems could be solved by one of you moving out.

"we have helped our girls get through a lot of shit"

I am truly sorry if this sounds harsh and I'm sure you do your best to help them, but from your comments, the pair of you have put them through it in the first place.

You have a 15 year old who has been living in this situation since she was 13. That's a crucial time in her development. She should not be living in a house where at least one of the adults drinks themself to oblivion, even if they make attempts to give up and whose behaviour towards you when you were ill alarmed the ambulance staff (who are used to seeing stressed people in crisis all the time) so much they reported him.

I know this must be hard to hear but you asked for advice. I have never read a post whilst it was so clear that you both should stop putting your DD and his DD through this. His priority must be staying sober, and it doesn't appear that he can do that whilst living with you. He has close family members who offered him a home (It's his problem if they want him to look after them - not yours) Your priority is providing a calm, stable home for your DD and helping her finish her education and her translation into an adult. You can only do that by prioritising her and also yourself.

She will be 18 in 3 short years time, starting her adult life - and perhaps leaving home. You have such a short time left with her as a child and she is currently living in the chaos of your joint problems. Its so unfair on her.
Please whatever else you do Don't waste these last years with her.

He gave up his job to start a business - which is going really well now but was a slow start putting enormous financial strain on us.

Did he discuss this with you first?

You are not good for each other. End the relationship and take care of your child.

Thank god you didn't get pregnant. The fact that he tried to have a DC with you while hiding his alcoholism would be the dealbreaker for me, even without all the other shit. Don't get taken in by the alleged new leaf or go soft because of some good times. He is very much not good partner material and you can do better. End it now with zero regrets.

Honestly this sounds an absolute disaster. In the two years you have been together he has descended into alcoholic oblivion, you have had SS called, he is a sponging cocklodger and you both have kids.

What has happened to you to make you think this is a relationship worth saving? Run and don’t look back, what the hell are you waiting for?