To end it now…?

[Freestyleblock]

NC & buckle in as this is long.

DP & I have been together for 2 years. Although we have known each other for 20. He has DD (5) and I have DD (15). He moved in 15 months ago.

In this time we have been through A LOT!

His family never approved of our relationship, so that was/is stressful.

SIL went out of her way to spread lies about me, made up stories about my DD to DP’s ex which resulted in DP being taken to court to change their child arrangement order, very stressful, expensive and little SDD so confused by it all.

He gave up his job to start a business - which is going really well now but was a slow start putting enormous financial strain on us.

My DD suffered a significant bereavement which affected her mental health - she seems a lot better now with CAMHs support. - this was what SIL tried to use with DP’s ex said awful/untrue things about my DD.

I had a cancer scare - thankfully all ok now.

We were referred to SS anonymously for allegations of DV and had a full investigation, that closed.

My work added extra demands which meant changing our routine significantly but I am main bread winner we had to suck it up.

We (against better judgment) were trying for a baby though all of this which never happened for us, DP blames me for calling a stop to it, I blame him for not really wanting it to start with. - We are not doing this now, but it was another stress.

Following this DP turned to drink. Drinking every day to oblivion, so he was not present from finishing work onward, we had huge rows when we didn’t have the children with us, all our ’child free’ time ruined. He then disclosed he had suffered with alcohol issues before! He went to AA then stopped.

A few weeks ago, no children in the home, we got drunk, ended up with police and ambulance being called, was a complete mess. Another referral was put in to SS (rightly so) and we had to do all the right things to put our life back together.

DP has stopped drinking everyday, focusing on work and the kids. He is so motivated and keen to learn from all of our mistakes and move forward positively. I just feel numb. I feel shell shocked. I can’t see the future and I’m tempted to end the relationship. I have mentioned this to DP and he is devastated and can’t see why when we have been through so much.

In all of this, we have achieved so much positive, we have helped our girls get through a lot of shit, we have renovated our house, built a successful business. I love him and I know he loves me, we have just been dealt an incredibly hard card.

Any advice would be greatly received

If you never had SS involvement before this relationship, that should be enough to tell you he’s making your and your daughter’s lives worse.

If you did have SS involvement previously, I think you have a lot of issues you need to work on before starting ANY relationships.

I can tell from your post your desperately want it to work. That’s why I said earlier maybe there is hope for when he is sober, if he ever achieves that. But I’m talking years down the line here, when there are no kids in the house.

And absolutely DO NOT have any more babies! Even you said it was against your better judgement. When you feel that way about something as important as a baby, listen to your gut.

Do you have relatives to speak to? Or friends?
If you were my sister/friend I would be telling you to separate from this man.
Social services, police, alcohol addiction, all in less than 2 years never mind moving him in after a few months!! Too much.
Your daughter should be your focus, not a dead beat alcoholic who has bought this much agro to your door ffs.
And what about his little one? Thank goodness their mother has strong boundaries.
I wish you the best of luck, because I think you are going to need it 🌸

Sorry all been at work so not able to reply.

Thank you all for the advice, even the harsh words. To answer a few bits, no I have never had any SS before him at all. I am in a professional job, it is my house etc honestly when we met, I had ‘done the work’ so to speak, been single for 2 years since me & DD’s dad separated, therapy, holidays, savings, paying off debt etc. everything really and at first and at times now our relationship is incredible, we have the same interests, he is so caring and loving.

Despite this total shit show, the girls have not been privy to a lot of this we both share 50:50, although his contact has now reduced slightly, so most of the chaos was not when they were around.

You've lived together NINE MONTHS and this is the shit show you're putting your daughter through??

C'mon mate. Get a grip of this mess and put it out of its misery.

Trust me op, the kids know. They always do in some way shape or form.

It sounds as if your work isn’t complete, or this man has affected you badly- as PP said having an ambulance crew call the police means things were pretty bad.

Let him move back to his parents (maybe they wanted to support him in his recovery from alcoholism!?).

Take the time to find yourself again out of this chaos. Take a break from him. Give your dd some peace (she’ll be worrying about you). Assess whether you also have an issue with problematic drinking separate from his alcoholism, because that could have been a reason why he wanted to move in with you.

Consider further psychotherapy or at least some introspection with tools you learned before. And maybe see him as a friend, but maybe not.

Hello all,

I am back again. I am ending the relationship. I have told him this morning after he got wasted last night and woke my DD up with his antics. He responded by saying that he was going to have a wank in the shower! The disrespect is so real now.

I now need all of your advice as to what to do now?!

It is my house he moved in to but he is on the tenancy.
His DD is also staying this weekend - he has got up and it’s loudly trying to be father of the year with her
We share a car after I had to sell mine when we he was starting the business, so what do I do about that?

All advice is every welcome

I think you’re making the right decision.

I would try not to mention it whilst his DD is there.
If he brings it up then just say you’ll talk about it once she’s gone.

If you can try and get someone to watch your kids too, then you can properly talk about it or if not, perhaps even just sit in the car outside the house and chat.

If he is on the tenancy, you cannot kick him out but you can end the relationship and ask him to find somewhere else to live.
Give him a realistic time limit to find somewhere and ask that you both stay civil.
The time limit depends on his financial situation and whether he can stay at his parents etc.

Do you have space for a spare bed?
You’re not going to want to share a bed with him and so perhaps you could get a blow up bed and sleep downstairs until he’s gone.

Contact your letting agent and tell them that the relationship is over and ask how you can have him removed from the tenancy. If legally you can’t without his agreement, maybe contact Wimen’s Aid or rightsofwomen.org.uk and see what options you do have.

Good luck. And well done.

Take time off to spend time going through all the advice on here, but
Get help and advice from experts.
Eg Organisations like Al Anon (for families of alcoholics) and Women's Aid for how to leave someone who is exhibiting violent tendencies (which he is)
His behaviour, even with his child in the house is deteriorating, getting wasted etc - and Look through your options.
Most of all you need to consider your and DD's safety above all else.
income and finances.
You are the main breadwinner. which is a positive in your favour. You can get a lot of advice on line about how to separate finances and make sure you are not in the frame for any of his business or otherwise debts.
Home.
I think you said his parents are around and could house him? What is the current situation? Would he be willing to do that?
He is on the Tenancy... look up your lease and then your rights on Shelter or similar about approaching your landlord. Is he in fact paying half the rent?
All depends if you have a fixed or a rolling tenancy, there are some circumstances in which landlords will work with you. it's all in the notes here.
Be sure of this before you move out or ask him to...unless you get your name removed you will still be liable for half the rent.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/joint_tenancy_relationship_breakdown#:~:text=The%20tenancy%20stays%20joint%20even,your%20landlord%20what%20has%20happened.
Car -
Usually its only in one person's name on the Log Book V05 form.
Who. If you, then its yours not his. You had to sell your car to help support him.
I think you suggested giving it to him as a sweetener to leave, but you are going to need the car if you are living on your own. As an alcoholic, he will soon either wreck the car or his licence points anyway. You can offer to pay for a man with a van to take his stuff if it comes to that. If its in his name, then he probably gets to keep it but cancel any car-related bills you pay, tax insurance

Last but not least - self care
You will be a single parent again, so you MUST look after yourself
As pp have said, you need to look into your own drinking and see if it needs tackling...and it may be more than you would drink on your own because of the atmosphere of drinking he creates. its not great for your teen DD to have had two parent figures who drink to excess as role models. (sorry to be harsh OP but it is a fact that stands out a mile- but I can see that you are trying to deal with a lot atm)
There are practical steps you can take, but also I think it would help you to find RL support and someone professional to talk to, to help you through this. And that would also help your DD.

You're making the right decision and his behaviour this weekend just underlines it. He's disgusting and abusive and you deserve a lot better.

Lots of good advice already. I would speak to your letting agent about the tenancy. As for the car - was it his car initially? Is it owned or leased? Do you really want to keep that car or are you happy for him to take it? If you need him to pay you half its value in that situation, can he do that/do you trust him to do that? Basically, I would pick the path of least resistance, where that exists. But, if in doubt, get legal advice asap.

And well done for making the right decision and putting yourself and your DD first

Thank you, yes we have a spare room / his DD’s room.

Currently he is refusing to leave, but we will see. It’s awkward in the home but we have taken our own children out separately today for a few hours which helped

Sorry but it seems like SS involvement was justified all the way through. you really seem to breeze over the domestic violence…

It seems like you and your DP don’t have a healthy relationship, and that life would have been less stressful for either side if you weren’t together. For example your daughter wouldn’t have to deal with his family making rumours about her, after she suffered bereavement and ill health. Just seems like a toxic set up. Be thankful there isn’t another baby in the mix.

Thank you so much for this informative post!

yes I am the main breadwinner, I was even paying all of his bills for a while so I will be better off financially I am not worried about that. He would not be able to afford to live in our home on his money.

He owns the car and I’m happy for him to keep it, just need to organise my own quickly!

i havnt drunk since this incident, it doesn’t interest me anymore, but I will look after myself. He hasn’t been any help with my DD so I won’t be missing anything there, will just be a relief

I absolutely see this now. I am focused and committed to moving him out and getting on with life for me and DD as we were before he came along.

Best of luck OP. One step at a time, but stay safe

If he refuses to move out, would you be able and willing to move somewhere else? If he cannot afford the house on his own then force his hand. It could be easier if he doesn't know where you live...