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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like a single parent

57 replies

Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 08:57

My DD is now 16 weeks old and I can't help but feel like a single parent I do absolutely everything for her I suggested my DP sleep in the spare room when she was born as he still had to work but he is still in there ! She stays up late at night and sleeps in on weekends unless I go wake him up to help me he never just gets up and takes the baby. I feel like I live with a teenager ! He will give her a bottle and change her nappy if I ask him but really that's about it . I will say he does all the house cleaning at the minute as well as mowing lawns that kind of thing and is very handy will do anything DIY that needs doing . Is that a fair split ? I just feel he doesn't spend enough time with her she looks right through him and will just follow me around the room with her eyes if he is holding her . I got up at 7am with her gave her a bath fed her and put her back for a nap DP is still in bed it's now almost 9am AIBU to be annoyed ? I'm starting to really resent him

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 12/10/2024 09:00

Tell him back into the room and start alternating weekend nights and lie ins. Resentment is a killer and you need to sort it out now.

Didimum · 12/10/2024 09:01

You know this is nowhere near good enough. Don’t drop hints or skirt around the conversation. Proper sit down talk and tell him he has not been showing up as a husband or parent and that needs to change immediately.

I would categorically not be with a man like this.

Original poster
Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 09:04

Didimum · 12/10/2024 09:01

You know this is nowhere near good enough. Don’t drop hints or skirt around the conversation. Proper sit down talk and tell him he has not been showing up as a husband or parent and that needs to change immediately.

I would categorically not be with a man like this.

I think ive made him sound really bad but he does everything else around the house as I dont have time with the baby but yes he definitely needs to step up on the dad front

OP posts:
BigCarMistake · 12/10/2024 09:15

You need to stop acting like the default parent. Luckily it’s only been a few months so there’s time to reverse it. Take time for yourself and give him the opportunity to figure out his way of parenting. Ideally you’d have talked about him taking shared parental leave etc before the baby was born.

Eenameenadeeka · 12/10/2024 09:15

Have you talked to him about sleeping in your room again? I think if he was doing all the housework while you recovered from birth that's great but as baby is getting bigger i found it good for Dad to take turns entertaining/watching baby while I did some housework as well (just gets a bit much only ever watching baby and not getting the sense of like getting tasks achieved) and good for them to bond

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 09:18

I get what you're saying but you do have to take in to consideration if he is genuinely cleaning the house, cooking meals, washing all the clothes this is a big thing and shouldn't be dismissed. I would have a chat, let him know you don't mind if the house isn't spotless etc what you'd really like is for him to hold the baby for a bit etc.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 12/10/2024 09:19

You sit down and discuss - you need to do less childcare and more housework, and him vice versa.

Dramatic · 12/10/2024 09:22

If he is doing everything you say (cleaning, DIY etc) then you are far from a single parent, don't forget if you were completely on your own absolutely everything would fall to you including those things and the financial burden. Please don't compare yourself to a single parent.

Having said that, he should be doing more with your daughter, for her sake but also for his sake because he's going to struggle to bond with her if he does none of her care.

DustyLee123 · 12/10/2024 09:24

You need to take some house work/gardening off him and have him spend time with his child.

ByMerryKoala · 12/10/2024 09:31

Have you both just fallen into accidental roles where you do the lion's share of the parenting and he feels relegated to supporting that task by cleaning and tidying around you or are you suggesting that he's engineered that situation for an easier ride?

He definitely needs to get back into the room with you - it must feel very isolating.

Didimum · 12/10/2024 09:32

Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 09:04

I think ive made him sound really bad but he does everything else around the house as I dont have time with the baby but yes he definitely needs to step up on the dad front

Show quote history

Well that’s good. Have a conversation about dividing tasks a little differently. Not getting up in the morning, however, is a no good at all. Taking care of a baby is work too, just as much work as his.

ThePinkBiscuit · 12/10/2024 09:34

he does “everything”? as in full time job plus all cooking, cleaning etc

so really not like a single parent at all

Original poster
Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 09:37

ByMerryKoala · 12/10/2024 09:31

Have you both just fallen into accidental roles where you do the lion's share of the parenting and he feels relegated to supporting that task by cleaning and tidying around you or are you suggesting that he's engineered that situation for an easier ride?

He definitely needs to get back into the room with you - it must feel very isolating.

Yes I think so I think it just became the new normal and we are both to blame not just him .

OP posts:
SometimesCalmPerson · 12/10/2024 09:39

You are tired so it’s understandable that you’re annoyed. This is a really difficult time both for new parents and a relationship and you just have to keep going and being as kind and understanding to each other as you can be. Accept that as irritating as it is, you are going to need to spell out what you want him to do at times. Yes, he should be able to work it out for himself but now isn’t the time to worry about that.

In the nicest possible way, please stop saying you feel like a single parent. You don’t.

Original poster
Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 09:39

ThePinkBiscuit · 12/10/2024 09:34

he does “everything”? as in full time job plus all cooking, cleaning etc

so really not like a single parent at all

He does all the cleaning and garden work I do laundry and look after baby , I don't care about the cleaning and cooking it's really more that I just want him to spend more time with her so maybe I just need to take a step back and as others have said go do other things around the house or garden and leave her with her dad

OP posts:
catin8oots · 12/10/2024 09:40

You're really really nothing like a single parent.

Original poster
Snowdrops17 · 12/10/2024 09:41

catin8oots · 12/10/2024 09:40

You're really really nothing like a single parent.

It wasn't meant to offend I just mean in the sense of looking after the baby I do everything that was all i meant . I was raised by a single parent and yes I accept the situation is not like that I just feel very overwhelmed at times

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 12/10/2024 09:43

She stays up late at night and sleeps in on weekends

The baby? Or your partner?

Serendipitousnight · 12/10/2024 09:45

You’re nothing like a single parent and that’s quite offensive to them.

Have a frank and honest convo about what is working and not - if you can’t do that then your relationship is doomed.

Littys · 12/10/2024 09:49

OP, this split will leave you really stuck.
The baby will not want him, won't settle for him, and it will leave you with a very clingy child going forward.

It is 100% in your best interests that he spends time with the baby on his own and gets on with it.
Go to your room and have a nap while the baby is up.
Go shopping, a coffee or a walk, but he needs to stop avoiding his child.

Baddaybigcloud · 12/10/2024 09:51

I would see it as him doing all the house stuff to allow you to bond with baby. I think a lot of men come into their own when baby is a toddling and can go to park etc. tiny babies do sort of just what their mums 🤷‍♀️

ByMerryKoala · 12/10/2024 09:52

It's not the end of the world, you're both trying to make things work. You just need to sit down and rearrange a few things. This isn't a huge or insurmountable problem.

I'm a bit surprised about how much the garden is coming up. Is it a huge and elaborate garden. I barely give it the time of day at this point of the year. I think I mowed ours about three weeks ago and now it's just the place I hang out laundry if it ever stops raining.

OptimismvsRealism · 12/10/2024 09:53

Babies are boring intruders in your once chill life and dads don't get the hormones mums get to help them through. Cut him some slack if he's doing everything else. But yes get him back in the same room, separate beds are really sad.

Sandybeaches5 · 12/10/2024 09:55

OP, please don't ever say you 'feel like a single parent' to people you know who actually ARE single parents! As I imagine they would feel quite insulted!

You literally have no idea what a single parent has to deal with, and I hope for your sake you never have to find out.

A REAL single parent has this to deal with >>
Only one income coming into the household. No one to lean on for support. Having to do all household jobs, including gardening, decorating, fixing things, putting bins out, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, as well as looking after Children at the same time, playing, helping with homework, sorting out arguments etc etc .

No freedom to just go out when you want to, having to plan literally everything. Being on your own with sick children, especially when you're unwell yourself is a nightmare. (And don't get me started on the stress you feel when you're having to sit with sick children in hospital A and E completely alone for instance in the middle of the night)

You have to work around school times, so often your work hours are limited, meaning less income to the ONE you have coming in.

You have to take time off work for appointments, or if your children are ill from School and you have no childcare. Shall I go on? Everything is totally relentless!

I have first hand experience as a GENUINE single parent, and even though I wouldn't change it for the World, as I've raised two amazing kids who I'm so proud of, it was very hard work.
Please don't play single parents down.

ByMerryKoala · 12/10/2024 09:58

Jesus, is there any need? I wish people had enough grace to allow a knackered new mum a bit of a misstep and concentrate at the issue at hand rather than use it as a platform for their own ranting.