I feel like a single parent

[Snowdrops17]

My DD is now 16 weeks old and I can't help but feel like a single parent I do absolutely everything for her I suggested my DP sleep in the spare room when she was born as he still had to work but he is still in there ! She stays up late at night and sleeps in on weekends unless I go wake him up to help me he never just gets up and takes the baby. I feel like I live with a teenager ! He will give her a bottle and change her nappy if I ask him but really that's about it . I will say he does all the house cleaning at the minute as well as mowing lawns that kind of thing and is very handy will do anything DIY that needs doing . Is that a fair split ? I just feel he doesn't spend enough time with her she looks right through him and will just follow me around the room with her eyes if he is holding her . I got up at 7am with her gave her a bath fed her and put her back for a nap DP is still in bed it's now almost 9am AIBU to be annoyed ? I'm starting to really resent him

If he’s doing all the housework and working full time then it’s probably a fair split just maybe not the right distribution of the work. You need to take back some of the housework and give baby to your dp. He needs to take on some the parenting to give you a break from it. Maybe alternate weekend lie ins so you both get one.

If you aren’t working and your husband is then your ‘job’ is the baby. I say that only during work hours but then if your husband is up in the night and goes to work the next day it’s harder for him to do this rather than you who may be a lane to sleep at nap times.

Sounds like if he works full time and then does all the other stuff you mentioned he is pulling his weight. I think your point is that you want him to do more with the baby rather than the other stuff. Bear in mind if he does this then you will have to pick that up. I understand as sometimes you just need a break from the relentlessness of being a mom to a baby but he can’t read your mind and sounds like he is trying to contribute.

You arent a single mom as then you would have to do all the cleaning and everything else he does.

Also, since we don’t know you he may feel you are doing a great job and don’t need help or that you fuss when he does things so he leaves it to you and picks up the slack elsewhere.

Just tell him how you feel.

So he does all the cleaning, garden work, DIY and has a full time job. You do laundry and the full time job of looking after your baby.

You aren't unreasonable to want a different split of the "jobs" but it should be a different split, a trade off of "jobs".

It does get easier as the baby gets older and requires slightly less full on attention.

I had to be a single parent whilst pregnant and with a newborn plus two small children so don't underestimate the positives of having someone who cooks/cleans/etc! He is pulling his weight.

Do you both get time to yourself to have a bath/shower?

That's nothing like an actual single parent.

But, no it doesn't sound right. You need to lay down some ground rules and communicate what you need. You both should get lie ins not just him.

he needs to make his own bond with the baby and get confident looking after baby. I suggest you go out for half a day (pump milk if bf) and leave him and the baby on their own. He will make mistakes (as you did) but if you ever want to be able to go out or go away you need to just drop him in deep end and let him figure it out. Go to cinema or something and turn your phone off. My experience is men who aren’t hands on with a baby don’t step up later as they never gain confidence as parents and the mums often don’t trust them to look after dc. Don’t become the default parent. Babies are very good at letting people know they need something so he’s not going to be able to just ignore the baby if you aren’t there.

It's a shame he's not more engaged with her, yes...but a lot of men are like this when babies are very young. To be fair, the fact he's doing all housework is a really good sign and actually means you can dedicate all your time to yourself and your baby.

Oh and you're nothing like a single parent

So he works full time and does everything around the house and you’re annoyed that he gets to have a lie in on weekends?

I think you’re being quite selfish actually.

Are you BF?
Why are you not doing the cooking and cleaning whilst he’s at work?

I think you need to start doing more around the house and then you will have more of a right to ask for a lie in.

It sounds like you’ve just fallen into a routine.

Perhaps have a chat and create a new plan of you doing the cooking and cleaning and him giving you a lie in on Sunday mornings.

Yanbu to to redress the balance and have a conversation but yabu to say you feel like a single parent when you actually do have support around the house. Being a single parent means you are doing it all alone, having done it it grinds my gears when people throw that around tbh

And I for one, as a single parent, also wish people wouldn't say the old 'i feel like a single parent' line, when they've absolutely no idea what actually being a single parent entails!
What's more, it isn't 'ranting' to give an opinion. After all, the OP posted on AIBU, so she is inviting people's opinions. I think she should consider herself lucky that she has a partner who does the lions share of the house work, on top of working.

It's ranting. It's unnecessary. You could start your own thread about people using the phrase flippantly on your own thread. But what you are doing here is kicking someone when they're down.

That's your opinion. I have mine too, and it's not down to you to suggest how and where I post. If the OP only wanted responses from everyone agreeing with everything she'd written, then AIBU isn't the best place to post.
I haven't been rude to the OP either, so why not get off your high horse ?

It's in AIBU, it's called "I feel like a single parent" I think it's fair enough to point out she might feel like one but she isn't one and she has benefits from her partner that a single parent doesn't get.

Yeah, but the thrust of her point is that she feels lonely and that she isn't sharing the experience of parenting. It's a poorly phrased but not malicious representation of her situation.

I Agree with this. Otherwise he’ll be like a stranger to his dd

No one implied she was being malicious at all. I understand the title and original post might've been poorly worded on OP's behalf, but you can forgive people telling her that her situation is no where near what it's like to be completely parenting alone.

I mean, if no one spoke up then how do you think genuine single parents would feel reading 'I feel like a single parent', then describing how she has a partner (who works and provides an income, as well as doing most household chores), but he doesn't spend as much time with the baby as she'd like?

It takes away the meaning of being a single parent.

Other people managed to make that point without launching into a full tirade about how wrong she was. Only you did that.

Good idea to try and change it now. Before you know it, you’ll be like me, 8 years down the road and my husband has never given her a bath or even taken her to bed. Never.

Pardon me for listing things that a genuine single parent has to do. Now, you do you.

You pushed him out into the spare room for good reason, but that hasn't worked out

I would suggest you sit down and talk to him, communicate that you both need to evaluate the situation and ask him first how you think you can move forward.

You could put the Moses basket in the spare room with him tonight so you can get an entire nights sleep, then suggest you seep in the same room on week nights and weekends you get a night each I the spare room to catch up on sleep

From baby's point of view she only needs you for the best part of the first year and doesn't even realize you are different entities yet.

Dad's often come into their own once baby's are older. In terms of brain chemistry mums and baby's both get an oxytocin hit when mum nurtures (that doesn't just mean does all the grunt work, but hugs, being held, skin to skin. Etc), whereas children and dads get the same hit when dads play with them and it doesn't happen the other way around.

So dad not being massively involved from that point of view is not the end of the world at the moment particularly if he is pulling his weight elsewhere. However, what does matter is whether you are feeling supported and getting enough down time to rest and recharge and whether he is happy to get involved if directed or whether he kicks up a fuss. It may be that he doesn't want to do it wrong or it isn't coming naturally to him as he is doing that side of things less often so needs some reassurance and practise. Perhaps both look and see if there is a dad and baby group going on or whether he and any of his friends with similar aged babys could get together and take them for a walk (I think there's a similar dad group in the film What to expect when you're expecting).

I don't think it's unnecessary at all. It's quite an insulting thing to say and people have the right to explain why.

Hi op, congrats on the baby. If you're not happy with the set up you need to communicate that. Explain what you need to your husband. Make him know how important it is. I say that as someone who didn't. Resentments built. Weve since split up and I regret not shouting from the rooftops about what I needed. He didn't develop the skills needed to look after a baby and then the baby became a toddler who didn't ever want him. Good luck.

you don’t care about the cooking and cleaning? That, OP, is because it’s being done by your partner.

If it wasn’t, you would care!

heads up Op

i wouldn’t say this is how you feel to any of your friends who are single parents