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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Handhold - unplanned pregnancy

63 replies

Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:06

Been really stupid. DH recently adamant we are finished at 2 DC. I always wanted 3 but not if DH didn’t and not at the detriment of our current family.

Second DC is just over 1 years old. I am still breastfeeding but have switched over to a bit of bottles and a bit of boob. My periods hadn’t returned (they didn’t til 18 months first time around). Clearly you can get pregnant without periods, I hadn’t really thought too much about it as I was going to get contraception or push DH for vasectomy (I don’t really like hormonal contraception) when my period came back. It took over a year to conceive DC2 so I didn’t think we were particularly fertile. I’ve been stupid I know. Please don’t pile on.

i am absolutely dreading telling DH he will be livid and likely want me to get a termination. He is very stressed at work and our marriage has been rocky to say the least.

I am not against getting a termination but ideally I suppose I don’t really want one but I don’t want to put this baby ahead of my current childrens stability and happiness and my marriage and our family unit

just FUCCCK basically. I’ve been so distracted by life, how could I have the biology knowledge of an alien from space. I also don’t even know if I’m early on or far on? I felt incredibly sick and tired today and I don’t think that happened til at least week 8 last time but I can’t remember.

i don’t want to tell family or friends for advice as I know everyone will think I’ve been incredibly stupid. I might call a pregnancy advice line. Just fcuk. I think I have one bestie I might call tomorrow.

dreading telling DH when is the right time? I don’t want to tell him when he’s grumpy or stressed. I also don’t think it’s good to just get a termination without telling him. Maybe he will be more understanding that I’m fearing. I guess it’s just the unknown.

OP posts:
x2boys · 11/10/2024 22:11

That was a hard read I think you have to decide what's more important to you
Would you consider going it alone?

NewspaperChips · 11/10/2024 22:12

I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice (I too am biologically challenged), but sending you a handhold because the shock much be awful. Hopefully a wiser poster will be along to help soon.x

Nicebloomers · 11/10/2024 22:12

Big hugs. Shit happens and if DH really didn’t want any more kids then he could have been more proactive about preventing. You’re in shock right now but you need to talk to DH and consider what you might want to do. Together. I wouldn’t put up with him being ‘livid’ though. Best of luck and be kind to yourself.

anicecuppateaa · 11/10/2024 22:13

Same situation here, I haven’t told anyone yet. As much as I wanted one more, I don’t think I can continue with it

Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:13

x2boys · 11/10/2024 22:11

That was a hard read I think you have to decide what's more important to you
Would you consider going it alone?

No I won’t do it alone x

OP posts:
Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:14

anicecuppateaa · 11/10/2024 22:13

Same situation here, I haven’t told anyone yet. As much as I wanted one more, I don’t think I can continue with it

Oh my gosh it’s not just me. When did you find out, when do you plan to tell your partner? How long will you give yourself to make a decision??

OP posts:
x2boys · 11/10/2024 22:16

Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:13

No I won’t do it alone x

Show quote history

Well that's one thing then
You have to remember though this situation wasent created alone and you should,nt feel the need to take the blame

Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:18

We have enough money in most people’s eyes. In my eyes.

he will say we can’t afford another (has different ideas about lifestyle).

I’m just dreading a termination if I’m really far along. I think it’s going to be shit for me either way.

People are going to think I’ve done this to trick him or trap him. (Our parents know our marriage has been rocky)

OP posts:
fourelementary · 11/10/2024 22:20

A Rocky marriage might not survive an unwanted termination or an unwanted baby… so think more about what outcome YOU can live with as a single mum…

Also a baby isn’t a baby forever- see how the future looks 5, 10, 20 years down the line with each option?

MaterCogitaVera · 11/10/2024 22:22

Your DH has no right to be livid, unless you had a firm agreement that contraception was solely your responsibility. He knows how babies happen, by now, so he’s just as responsible as you are for the pregnancy. But he will probably feel a lot of the same shock and concern that you’re feeling, so acknowledge that and give him space to express it, as long as it doesn’t turn into him blaming you.

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this scary and distressing position. I hope that telling your DH won’t be as bad as you fear. Wishing you all the best and sending very good wishes.

MimiSunshine · 11/10/2024 22:23

Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:18

We have enough money in most people’s eyes. In my eyes.

he will say we can’t afford another (has different ideas about lifestyle).

I’m just dreading a termination if I’m really far along. I think it’s going to be shit for me either way.

People are going to think I’ve done this to trick him or trap him. (Our parents know our marriage has been rocky)

Have you been poking holes in his condoms?

no thought not, you need to realise it’s not on you to not become pregnant. It’s on your husband to not willingly risk making you pregnant.

what exactly has he done to ensure that? Has he talked about booking a vasectomy and until then is he religious about using condoms?

also, no thought not.

so how can it be that you’ve tricked or trapped him?

you need to change your mindset. Then you need to tell him but do not allow this to be something that is solely somehow only your fault.

DaniMontyRae · 11/10/2024 22:23

Whatever you choose, if he chose to have sex without a condom then he has no fucking right to be angry with you. You didn't conceive this child by yourself.

SkaneTos · 11/10/2024 22:23

Your husband has a responsibility too, about contraceptives.

narns · 11/10/2024 22:23

Book a private scan and find out how far along you are this weekend, at least you'll have a bit more to go on when you tell DH

Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:24

narns · 11/10/2024 22:23

Book a private scan and find out how far along you are this weekend, at least you'll have a bit more to go on when you tell DH

I considered doing this but I’ve previously done something else vaguely similar and it came across as deceitful (rightly so) so I’m sort of against doing this. It seems a bit sly

OP posts:
Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:25

MimiSunshine · 11/10/2024 22:23

Have you been poking holes in his condoms?

no thought not, you need to realise it’s not on you to not become pregnant. It’s on your husband to not willingly risk making you pregnant.

what exactly has he done to ensure that? Has he talked about booking a vasectomy and until then is he religious about using condoms?

also, no thought not.

so how can it be that you’ve tricked or trapped him?

you need to change your mindset. Then you need to tell him but do not allow this to be something that is solely somehow only your fault.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes if I go in with a guilty mindset then of course the conversation will probably go badly

OP posts:
seeminglyranch · 11/10/2024 22:29

This happened to a friend of mine. Her parents gave him a stern talking to in the end as she absolutely didn’t want to terminate. The baby is now 13 and pushing 6 feet and apple of his eye and they are fine.
all sorts of outcomes are possible but don’t terminate a baby you would like to have. As others have said it takes two to make a baby.

seeminglyranch · 11/10/2024 22:29

I really would not go for a private scan beforehand as it’s clear you have been keeping it from him.

Pandasnacks · 11/10/2024 22:30

Remember this is 50% on him too, he's been having unprotected sex knowing he doesn't want another baby.

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one OP. And don't be fearful of telling DH, this is his equal fault/problem and you need to make sure he knows it and blames himself too.

Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:30

seeminglyranch · 11/10/2024 22:29

This happened to a friend of mine. Her parents gave him a stern talking to in the end as she absolutely didn’t want to terminate. The baby is now 13 and pushing 6 feet and apple of his eye and they are fine.
all sorts of outcomes are possible but don’t terminate a baby you would like to have. As others have said it takes two to make a baby.

I just dont want to have the baby at the cost of my current DCs

OP posts:
seeminglyranch · 11/10/2024 22:37

Why would it be at the cost of your other children? Children gain a lot from having
siblings.
if you don’t want the baby then don’t have it, but plenty of people have a third baby and it doesn’t disadvantage the older two.

Original poster
Megamooch · 11/10/2024 22:41

seeminglyranch · 11/10/2024 22:37

Why would it be at the cost of your other children? Children gain a lot from having
siblings.
if you don’t want the baby then don’t have it, but plenty of people have a third baby and it doesn’t disadvantage the older two.

Because my husband would resent me and a toxic environment in our marriage. Or a divorce which wouldn’t be good for DC

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 11/10/2024 22:44

He needs to take some responsibility for this pregnancy, he knew you weren’t on contraception and didn’t use any either even although he doesn’t want another baby, so you are both to blame for the situation,

just tell him and then deal with it together.

Noseybookworm · 11/10/2024 22:44

OP stop blaming yourself, it takes two to tango and if your DH was that worried about another pregnancy, he could have used condoms! Talk to him but don't accept him blaming you. If the relationship is rocky, having a termination or having a baby won't make a difference - the relationship will only survive if both of you want it to and are willing to stick together through the rough patches. Please don't struggle with trying to work this out alone, talk to your husband. Ultimately, it's your body and you have to do what feels right for you.

Pyjamatimenow · 11/10/2024 22:48

Should have worn his overcoat then shouldn’t he? He has no right to be angry at all.

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