Handhold - unplanned pregnancy

[Megamooch]

Been really stupid. DH recently adamant we are finished at 2 DC. I always wanted 3 but not if DH didn’t and not at the detriment of our current family.

Second DC is just over 1 years old. I am still breastfeeding but have switched over to a bit of bottles and a bit of boob. My periods hadn’t returned (they didn’t til 18 months first time around). Clearly you can get pregnant without periods, I hadn’t really thought too much about it as I was going to get contraception or push DH for vasectomy (I don’t really like hormonal contraception) when my period came back. It took over a year to conceive DC2 so I didn’t think we were particularly fertile. I’ve been stupid I know. Please don’t pile on.

i am absolutely dreading telling DH he will be livid and likely want me to get a termination. He is very stressed at work and our marriage has been rocky to say the least.

I am not against getting a termination but ideally I suppose I don’t really want one but I don’t want to put this baby ahead of my current childrens stability and happiness and my marriage and our family unit

just FUCCCK basically. I’ve been so distracted by life, how could I have the biology knowledge of an alien from space. I also don’t even know if I’m early on or far on? I felt incredibly sick and tired today and I don’t think that happened til at least week 8 last time but I can’t remember.

i don’t want to tell family or friends for advice as I know everyone will think I’ve been incredibly stupid. I might call a pregnancy advice line. Just fcuk. I think I have one bestie I might call tomorrow.

dreading telling DH when is the right time? I don’t want to tell him when he’s grumpy or stressed. I also don’t think it’s good to just get a termination without telling him. Maybe he will be more understanding that I’m fearing. I guess it’s just the unknown.

It's concerning that you're so scared to tell him and you know a negative outcome would be toxic behaviour from him. Not sure why you're determined to hang on to him.

Hi can this be moved to the pregnancy choices section? You'll find a lot of women in same situation that can give advice.

If your marriage is already rocky, I think you need to make a decision assuming that your marriage won't survive. You're very clear that you wouldn't choose this baby over staying in your marriage if those were the options. But how would you feel if you had the termination and the marriage ended anyway?

Would you regret the termination? Or would you be relieved that you now only have two children to look after once you've split?

Personally I think bringing a child who is unwanted by one parent into an already rocky relationship is a terrible idea. It's almost guaranteed to destroy the relationship, even if your husband wasn't the "livid" type. But I'm not the one who has to live with the long term emotional consequences.

It sounds like you're a bit scared to tell him, but it wasn't your fault! It takes two to have a baby! If he didn't want a vasectomy then it's also on his shoulders.

Plenty of children survive and have a happy childhood despite their parents divorcing.

This was me about 9 months ago. Two kids, we agreed we were done and we agreed the best thing was hubby getting snipped. Thought I was borderline infertile due to previous issues conceiving so we slipped up a few times without excessive concern. DH gently encouraged me to think about a termination but I made clear after a few days thinking time that wasn’t an option for me (although I believe a woman’s right to choose is sacrosanct).

So here we are and I’m about to have my third baby.

I was lucky that once I had said to DH that if baby is healthy I would continue with the pregnancy he just said OK and that was the end of the discussion. But I also think being clear in my mind of my decision helped us both as there was a clear way forwards and 40 weeks is a reasonable amount of time to get yourself sorted out for the arrival.

Firstly you need to tell your DH.
It takes 2 to tango so it's both your responsibility to talk about it and decide together.
The question is, would you be upset or relieved if you lost it?
This was my thinking when I became pregnant unplanned with my first. He didn't want it but I knew deep down that I did so I kept it.
If you say you always wanted a 3rd, do you think you could make it work with your family? you only regret the children you didn't have IME.

There’s basically a set of options here

You have the baby, husband is supportive (either initially or adapts in a reasonable time). You have a happy family that’s bigger than planned. You sort that contraceptive out so #4 is highly unlikely.

You have the baby and the marriage ends. You both have to adapt to being single parents. Or maybe you hang the baby but you resent it and you don’t get happy even if you stay together.

You terminate the baby. You’re happy with this and you have a happy family. You sort that contraceptive so #4 is unlikely.

You terminate the baby but the family doesn’t get happy. Maybe you resent your husband for pushing you to terminate? Maybe you don’t resent him but you regret the decision. Maybe neither but the marriage doesn’t survive anyway. You both have to adapt to being single parents.

You both had sex with full knowledge that that’s what makes babies. This is on both of you (unless there was rape or contraception was tampered with or lied about). Another baby is forever. But so is a termination. No matter what choice you make you will always have been pregnant right now, and this baby will always exist in some sense. What that means for you is incredibly personal. Some people do regret having children. Some people regret terminations. You never get to know what the alternative future is for the choices you don’t make. All you can do is work through what is important for you, and your husband.

It is done now, so you need to tell your DH. He might be shocked at first but give him time.

We had agreed on 2 but I found out I was pregnant again when DD was about 18 months. I wasn't particularly happy, we wouldn't have chosen to to have a third, but DH rightly pointed out that when he or she arrived we would love it so we accepted fate. Life doesn't always go as planned.

(As it happened I miscarried so that was that. And we took stronger precautions after that.)

It seems that he doesn't want a third, but you don't really want a termination, and I don't see why he should make you go through that when you say you have enough money. What kind of selfish man has unprotected sex with his wife, blames her for getting pregnant and then forces her to have an abortion so that he doesn't have to adjust his lifestyle slightly? He should be ashamed. Lots of people have 'surprise' last babies.

Don't feel stupid, I've also fallen pregnant by accident thinking I couldn't..you just need to tell your husband. He might not react the way you think. Also you can't be made to have a termination, if you don't want one. Hopefully it won't be as awful as you think

You are so fearful of your husband- even if you terminate this pregnancy, your marriage is toxic and you are not doing any favours to your current two children by staying in it. Everything you mention indicates a power imbalance in your relationship. What to save there??
Don't be afraid to make right choices for you. Choose you and set a good example for your children. Keep the baby, tell your husband to play nicely and if not - it's goodbye from you with all the consequences for him.

No advice for once, just a handhold. If your DH is that much of an arse he shouldn't be getting to have sex with you.