Handhold - unplanned pregnancy

[Megamooch]

Been really stupid. DH recently adamant we are finished at 2 DC. I always wanted 3 but not if DH didn’t and not at the detriment of our current family.

Second DC is just over 1 years old. I am still breastfeeding but have switched over to a bit of bottles and a bit of boob. My periods hadn’t returned (they didn’t til 18 months first time around). Clearly you can get pregnant without periods, I hadn’t really thought too much about it as I was going to get contraception or push DH for vasectomy (I don’t really like hormonal contraception) when my period came back. It took over a year to conceive DC2 so I didn’t think we were particularly fertile. I’ve been stupid I know. Please don’t pile on.

i am absolutely dreading telling DH he will be livid and likely want me to get a termination. He is very stressed at work and our marriage has been rocky to say the least.

I am not against getting a termination but ideally I suppose I don’t really want one but I don’t want to put this baby ahead of my current childrens stability and happiness and my marriage and our family unit

just FUCCCK basically. I’ve been so distracted by life, how could I have the biology knowledge of an alien from space. I also don’t even know if I’m early on or far on? I felt incredibly sick and tired today and I don’t think that happened til at least week 8 last time but I can’t remember.

i don’t want to tell family or friends for advice as I know everyone will think I’ve been incredibly stupid. I might call a pregnancy advice line. Just fcuk. I think I have one bestie I might call tomorrow.

dreading telling DH when is the right time? I don’t want to tell him when he’s grumpy or stressed. I also don’t think it’s good to just get a termination without telling him. Maybe he will be more understanding that I’m fearing. I guess it’s just the unknown.

You just have to tell him asap OP. And then talk it through as a couple.

Sometimes I think its unfair when one person is breaking bad news and has a few days to process, but the other person is caught unawares and yet their initial reaction is observed and then analysed and criticised. What I'm saying is tell him then let him be for a while after you break the news, a couple of hours or a day so he can sort out his thoughts and feelings. Then meet a day or two later for a proper chat. You might go round in circles before coming to a conclusion on how you really feel so he needs that time too. It hasn't happened to me but I know many people with unplanned pregnancies who were initially upset but realised it was a blessing after all once they had some time.

That is so helpful thank you

Child free woman here, OP. I don't need to spell out what I'd do, but never got myself into this situation.
You say your husband is likely to be unhappy and that marriage has been rocky.
It's very difficult. Keeping the child is not gonna make it less unstable, however, would there be a possibility to go this alone? If not, better not to have another, in my opinion. Your body, your choice, but support is going to be needed in either way. Is he going to provide it?
🍀

Go this alone as in get a divorce? We would have to share two very small children 50:50, I can’t do that to them

Then your existing family setup will likely have to be put first.
Sorry.

Sorry you are going through this OP, but it takes two to tango. You've done this together and he has to take as much responsibility as you. This may, of course, mean that you don't agree, but you need to work it through together. Don't get too stuck on an option being or not being for you, until you know his views too.

I think some of the advice here is really good- especially not thinking of it as an apology or something you’ve done. Have a team mindset as you both caused this and can both address it.
and also the advice about allowing him to process before discussing- don’t react to his initial response. Perhaps make sure he is told at a time when he can have space and then agree a discussion time…
But if the marriage is Rocky be aware that either version of the outcomes could destroy it if you don’t talk and listen to each other and make a decision as a couple.

If a divorce is likely, then don’t go ahead.
Unless you can be single parent for 50 /50 of the time to 3 children.
He needs a vasectomy.

Excuse me? Your husband doesn’t want a baby, so why exactly is he content to have unprotected sex with you?

I know I'm just reiterating what others have said but it bears repeating - you were both having unprotected sex with each other so are equally responsible for conception occurring.

Do not go into this as "I'm so sorry this happened" as it was his fault as much as yours - and if he does respond poorly, it's worth waiting for him to calm down then pointing out this obvious fact!

I would definitely defend that decision, if it came to it, and I would be neither constrained nor constructive in what I said.

I know this is shutting the the stabledoor late but just in case it saves anybody else. If periods have stopped and then start again then you will have ovulated before that first period. So just because your period has stopped for whatever reason, other than being pregnant of course, don't assume you can't conceive. A gynecologist explained this to me in excruciating detail many years ago.

It doesn't sound like you're certain your marriage is going to survive, regardless as to whether there is another child into the mix.
It's a damned if you do (keep it), damned if you don't situation, which makes your decision making even harder.

Get him told, let him mull it over for as long as he needs to, expect him to be shocked, just as you were.
You can't possibly decide what to do until he has had his input, which needs to be sooner rather than later.

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him.
If he is any sort of partner, then he’d be supporting you and being kind, even though he wants a termination.

Once you tell him, then you can book for a scan to find out how far along you are and then start the termination process.

Op tell him today. Factually.
He cannot blame you for an unwanted pregnancy - you can only trick a man if you damage the condom or tell him you are on the pill and you're not - he knows how babies are made.
Then together you can decide what to do. But it has to be a joint decision... don't get a termination thinking I can't risk divorce for my current kids, or there is a chance you resent him and divorce him anyway.

Could you tell him via text? Or write a note? If you’re super worried about his initial reaction it might help. You could plan a morning out for just you and the kids. (Could just be park then food shopping - doesn’t need to be anything elaborate). Write a note then text your DH to tell him he needs to read it. That would give him a few hours to process it before you discuss it.
Something like. ´I was feeling ill this week and realized I should take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Because my periods have only just come back I’m not exactly sure how far along I must be. I think I coule be 8weeks. I need to have a scan to find that out so we can discuss our options properly. We’ll talk about it later when I’m back home. I know this is probably a shock so I wanted to give you a couple of hours to process it before we talk. See you later).

Bless you. Your DH is just as responsible for having unprotected sex. It’s common knowledge that it’s possible to get pregnant when BF (i have 2 nieces who came about that way) so unless you have told him that there’s no way you could get pregnant so no need for contraception then he holds just as much responsibility.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Shit happens, particularly when you have two small children, and have a million and one other things to worry about.

Is he abusive?
it’s just you seem quite fearful of telling him. He can’t make you have an abortion.
Thinking in terms of ‘trapping him’ or ‘ tricking him’ is strange? Who would think that? Someone with the views of a misogynist eastenders character, that’s who.
You BOTH had sex and accidents happen. Is he going to be a grown up and support his partner and mother of his children in whatever SHE decides or is he a massive fucking loser who you’d be better off without.

This is your husband! You're supposed to be in it together. You've created this situation together. Please go and tell him.

How could this be 'deliberate', unless you claimed to be in the pill? How dare anyone even think that.

It's always the woman's fault.

My dh ( together 18 years) has never asked me about contraception ever.

I've only been pregnant twice. No Accidents or MC thankfully. We have two planned tween/ teens.

OP i’ve been in the same situation recently so I really feel for you, a few weeks a go I booked an abortion, we were both convinced it was the right thing to do but I couldn’t go through with it, since then me and my husband have talked it over and we’ve decided to keep the baby. Your DH may have a different reaction to what you think, sending you hugs.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself! Your husband said he didn't want any more children, so he shouldn't be having unprotected sex!
Unless your husband reacts to this by saying you're both happy to go ahead with this pregnancy, I don't think there's a win anywhere in this. If you have a termination, you could feel resentful in an already rocky marriage and if you keep the baby then your husband might feel resentful and the already rocky marriage will get even more bumpy.
You need to tell him soon though. Good luck

I assume he's aware of how babies are made... so he should have wrapped it up if he didn't want another. This is not just on you. Don't let him force you into a decision you don't want to make.

You say he'll be livid with you but he has no right to be angry with you at all. He's a grown ass man that surely knows that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy.
If he didn't want a third, he should've been wrapping it or snipping it.