Please help me figure out how to fix my kids ' childhood

[DrowningInChaos]

Theoretically, we are very privileged. Both dh and me have good jobs and the kids are relatively healthy. But our biggest issue (at least mine) is that there is just not enough time. Ever. The kids never have enough time to play, do craft, practice dd's instrument or do homework. We barely have enough time to talk and on top of that the kids are sleep deprived because there isn't enough time to sleep. And dd is late to school most days. I blame the long school days in the uk but other parents and kids seem to manage much better so it's obviously something we are doing wrong. I'm desperate. Please help me figure it out. Dd is 8 and in year 4. Ds is 3 and in pre school.

This is our schedule:

7.00 wake dd
7.20 dd slowly gets up (after lots of attempts to get her out of bed. Mostly still no shouting at this point)
7.20-8.00: dd gets ready (go to the toilet, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, pack school stuff, eat breakfast if there is time otherwise pack breakfast and eat in the car). More and more shouting and stress at this point for the kids to hurry up.
8.00 we have to leave at 8 to be at the school by 8.30. Most of the time we don't manage and are 5-10 minutes late. Most of the time we have forgotten something.

Ds gets up quite easily at 7 but needs help wothe very step of grtting ready. So he gets ready very quickly but then often delays everything by starting to play and refusing to leave the house.

8.30-3.30: school
4.00-4:15: back at home.
4.15-6.15 free time (but dd loses a lot of time by very slowly washing her hands and removing her shoes, etc). This is the time when theoretically she could do.any school related work or practice her instrument. Ds can just play.
6 -7.15 or 7.30: dinner. I know it's long but dd is severely underweight. No medical issues. Possibly arfid. She eats extremely slowly but we cannot cut down on this time and risk less calories going into her.
7.15 or 7.30 - 7.45: dance or play (so they don't go to bed feeling too full)
7.45 -8 or 8.15: get ready for bed (This is when I start getting stressed again)

8.30 - 8.45 lights out after reading for a while
Dd takes very long to fall asleep. Often an hour or so. It's not hecause she isn't tired. It's irrespective of when she goes to hed and she struggles so incredibly much waking up in the morning that she imo she needs more sleep. Ds is out like a light sometime between 8.15 and 8.30 whenever we manage to put him to bed. He is just turned 3, has just dropped his nap but we don't manage to put him to bed before that. He refuses to go upstairs without dd.

Once a week dd has a club at school followed by swimming so she only comes home by about 7pm and then everything is even more delayed. Once s week I need her to.atrend a club or after school club so I can finish work.

On Saturdays we have a slow start. Dd has an extra curricular activity at 11am but somehow we are also always late for this club. The biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and breakfast. She hates both. She is adamant that she wants to do this club. We try and keep Saturday afternoons and Sundays free for family outings, meet8ng friends, birthday parties, going to the park or play dates. Somehow they pass in a jiffy too. Sometimes her homework takes a couple of hours (or more).

Our biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and eating but I just don't know how to get dd to speeden up. I'm not sure she can. She is very absent minded and dreamy. And she is so tired in the morning, which slows her down too.

She loves doing craft but we have got a million craft projects lying around that she has started but doesn't get time to finish because she never gets a decent few hours or fald a day in one stretch to work on just one thing. There are the weekends but I also think it's important that she plays outdoors and with other kids so half a day goes at least in going to the park or on a playdate.

She loves reading but she reads so much that slowly I think it's doing more harm than good because of all the other things she is missing out on. She also loves talking which slows her down but then we need to have time to talk don't we? She often wants to talk to me at bedtime but we are usually so late already! I get some time to play with ds after school but at all times when dd is at home she talks non stop so there is very little opportunity to talk enough to ds. I thought his language skills were. underdeveloped for his age because of that but according to the health visitor his speech and comprehension are quite good. Still. I feel so bad for not talking to him enough m

Anyway, dd is also meant to do 20min of school work every day (app game based) but there is just no time. We just don't do it. She used to do very well academically but is noe starting to lag behind. She is learning an instrument but rarely practices.

Apologies for the length of this but I just don't know what to do. 1-2h of free time a day are just not enough to fit in anything of quality but I just don't know what to do. I wish she went to a different school that was closer to us and had a shorter day (and no homework) but that's a whole other thread. For now we are stuck with the school.

What am I doing wrong? What could i do betterI ?

I can feel my blood pressure rise every morning and evening when I need the kids to get ready either for school or for bed and I'm exhausted by the time it's done. I always used to be a calm and patient parent but now I'm starting to become more shouty and I hate it. It seems like there is no time for cheerfulness or playfulness let alone any proper playing. This isn't how childhood is supposed to be. Kids are meant to have loads of time. Enough time to get bored. My kids don't even have enough time to sleep. Please help me. What am I doing wrong?

One more thing: I disagree with PP - don't make DD give up her instrument if she enjoys it.

I played a musical instrument from the age of 8 through to sixth form, and there were several periods where I rarely had enough time or motivation to practice, and the progress was so slow as to be imperceptible sometimes, but the consistency of having weekly lessons meant it was always there ticking over in the background, ready to come back to it - then I'd go through periods where I had more motivation or time and I'd put more energy into it and pass an exam or two. After school I carried on playing my instrument with my university orchestra, then joined a local amateur orchestra, and I regularly play for my own amusement at home too, and it's one thing I am really, really glad my parents gave me the opportunity to do. So if you're wondering "what's the point of it if she never practices", well if she says she wants to carry on then she must enjoy it, and her enjoyment is the main point of it.

A few suggestions:

Dinner not long after you come in from school and cookies and milk or banana pancakes before bed.

(If your dd has ARFID she may not have eaten much at lunch and may not have much energy to do much else until she has taken on board some more calories )

Don't allow your three year old to dictate when he goes to bed. He needs to go earlier and separately from dd. You may need to spend more time with him initially or get him a new “big boy bed” to encourage the process. Make it as enjoyable as possible and give him that special time.

Your dd can be downstairs getting her stuff ready for the next day. Or eating a bed time snack.

Everyone work from visual reminder charts on wall with visual cues about what happens when. This ensures a coordinated approach with your other half too.

Once you have the eating and sleeping right you can focus on other things but the dithering may improve on its own once those two essential areas are working ok.

I hope this is not all down to you op and you can tag team with your partner.

Good luck 💐

In terms of sleeping, get a large pregnancy pillow so she can nest herself and be cosy absolute game changer here instead of a pregnancy pillow though you can just get a cheap duvet and fold it long ways into a sausage shape adhave someone handy with a sewing machine stitch it and modify a duvet case

I have ADHD and this is exactly how I have always been with food too. It’s not any additional condition, or bloating, or anything like that. It’s just that I find food and eating boring and want to engage with it as little as possible. I like food just fine and am a good cook, but the actual act of sitting and eating bores me. It sounds like your daughter is the same way. I also find it very easy to ignore hunger cues by focusing on something else, which is what it sounds like she is doing.

My parents did used to sort of chivvy me along with eating, which helped. Knowing that there was something I’d want to do after, they’d say things like “Hurry, eat your food so you can go and do X!” Or “Quick, finish your pasta so you can get back to your game!” with a sort of urgent, excited tone. This helped a lot! It almost made it seem like a game to eat and then get back to what I wanted to do. They’d also put extra food on my plate and then only ask me to eat some of it, which made me feel like I was “getting away” with not having to finish it. It made me want to finish what they asked me to because I felt that they were being nice and compromising with me.

It also got a bit better as I got older though and was able to understand that it was something I just had to do and get over with. I just describe myself as “not food motivated.”

I wanted to say this but was dreading doing so as MN hates it when people say ND!

But she sound so much like my DS 10 who is diagnosed with ADHD.

They seem like they have bags of energy due to constant motion but actually need loads of sleep. They find it hard to transition from waking to sleeping and sleeping to waking.

All transitions are slow - getting dressed, moving before activities- so you need “buffer zones” of time, meaning you can fit less in. (Edited here as i accidentally wrote more rather than less!)

They wont just get on with activities like homework or music practice and aren’t being “naughty” when they don’t - they don’t really have a sense of time passing either so will be amazed when they find they haven’t fitted it in. You have to remind them, given them a timetable but also remind them.

Again, the seem to have energy and enthusiasm so it’s tempting to put in a lot of activities, esp if like my DS they ask to do them. But as above, the transition times mean you can’t pack in as much. And they burn out very quickly if doing too much.

ADHD doesn’t necessarily mean they will be “naughty” or lag behind at school (although more likely to mean the latter). It could just mean all the things you describe.

It can also give food issues as they are sensitive to texture.

Basically people with ADHD are a walking contradiction- seem energetic but need extra sleep, need extra sleep but can’t wind down, want to do extra activities like music but won’t remember to practice until prompted.

If that sounds like your DD all I can say is it is also exactly like my diagnosed DS.

It sounds like she is tired. My son won’t eat when tired, have you thought about bringing dinner forward to 5-5:30pm? After dinner I wouldn’t do dance, just quiet play outside for 45 mins or something that winds them down rather than up. Then bring the bedtime forward to 7pm.

I would also drop extracurricular at this stage, it sounds like she is doing too much, as are you. More down time until the balance is regained.

Oh - any give her a protein snack the minute you pick her up from school or any time when her behaviour dips - it’s a game changer

Apologies for picking up on what is probably the smallest part of your post, OP, but I just wanted to give some advice re: the instrument situation.

I know a lot of people are saying drop the instrument, and if your DD is truly feeling overwhelmed with stuff and doesn't want to practice then it may be the right thing for you right now.

However, I am a musician and a huge advocate for the joy that making music can bring to people's lives, and if you are able to support and encourage her to learn an instrument that's a huge, amazing thing you have done for her. It's also very therapeutic to be able to spend time making music. I think (and I find this in my own life too) sometimes people get overwhelmed by the idea of practice and that it has to be a good 40 min- an hour and then procrastinate and don't do it. It really doesn't. Even 5-10 minutes if done often enough can be really beneficial to your playing. I don;'t know what she plays, but if it's an instrument that requires a lot of set up, don't bother putting it away completely.

If I leave my stand out in a corner with the music on it, and my violin out somewhere with it's shoulder rest on, I'm much more likely to pick it up and do a few minutes practice. People always ask me when I get time to play the piano, and the answer is usually whilst the kettle is boiling! Because it's just there, I use those couple of minutes to have a bit of a play in the time I would otherwise just be standing staring at the kettle!

The poster you are replying to hasn’t factored in that, as well as your Dd possibly having ADHD, you definitely have it. Equally your husband and friends. It all sounds fine until you factor this in.

We had a range of kids, including special needs due to ASD/ADHD etc and physical disability. We ‘fixed’ this by running our home military style. Was the only way it could work. I had a job that was basically run via a huge white board, and that’s what we implemented at home, we had it installed in the hallway and life was run via that to the minute including all play activities. It worked. You need to be hard, military style to make it work though. No dilly/dallying due to a child not keeping to schedule, you just make them. Sounds odd, but was the only way we could make it work, and it did work.

And maybe go to bed at the same time as the dc once or two nights a week yourself op?

One thing that might help with dressing - put every item of clothing she needs on one hanger, uniform and even underwear. Make them all up at the weekend, one for every day of the week, and hang them in her wardrobe for the week ahead. Eliminate any decision making time wasting. I'd also see if she could do her education apps in the car on the way to school.

Um really? What's wrong with my writing style? I mean apart from that it's very long winded and messy and I am not good at prioritising. 😂seriously, I am curious (not offended by the way.😊)

We've tried clocks and alarms and timers for dd. They work once or twice but then she just ignores them (Like me). If there is one thing I'm good at it's gamefying mundane activities so we do that a lot and sometimes it works and sometimes it just distracts dd more. Dh hates it because 1. He wants dd to learn to do stuff without everything having to be a game and 2. He thinks it's just distracting and doesn't work. But honestly some things are so boring I can't help but making a game out of it.

I think I'll have to start getting the ball rolling but honestly sometimes I don't know if rather than dd it's our lifestyle or maybe my lack of organisation and ability to just organise life for her so things go more smoothly and quickly.

Besides, it's true that I have been diagnosed with adhd but sometimes I wonder if I have been misdiagnosed. I seem to have all the symptoms but maybe I am just lazy, crazy and stupid.

So because I dont fully trust my diagnosis I am not sure if it is likely that dd has it and based on my experience with the psychiatrists i have seen I don't trust that they can make a reliable diagnosis either.

Oh god this is me - and my DS! Something has to be kept out for me to get round to doing it.

Getting things out and setting them up is a total barrier to me in terms of getting things done!

You’ve said that you don’t want your post to be about possible neurodiversity - but I think that lens might help you live better and happier.

With that search him in the library / on the Internet we discovered lots of strategies and support.

most critically – year4/5 is often when neuro diverse girls start to really struggle with the demands of school/their peers. In her extreme slowness, you might be seeing the edge of burnout – which is a really stressful thing to Parent. If that rings true – then your objective is to give her more low demand time rather than to get her to speed up. For example – you might need to tell School that she’s just not going to do the homework.

She loves the playdates and wants me to arrange them. Compared to other families we seem to do much fewer of them. That's the problem. She wants to do everything and I feel children should be able to do everything without having to count every minute. What kind of childhood is that? 😥

I knew as soon as I read your post that you had adhd. I do too. And I think that is the issue.

I’ve had to learn that my threshold for ‘doing stuff’ is a lot lower than others. It sounds like you have enough time but not enough headspace / capacity / bandwidth / executive function/ spoons.

If your dd is severely underweight, you might need to ditch the dancing and swimming until she’s gained weight. My dd was initially on bed rest, then limited to 20 mins walking a day until she got much closer to a healthy weight. But it depends what you mean by ‘severely underweight’?

You are definitely not crazy, lazy and stupid

ADHD people spend their lives kicking themselves that they are these things. In fact the main thing that holds them (possibly us, I’m on a waiting list) is our low self esteem as a result of feeling these things.

Do you follow Rich and Rox, ADHD love on social media? I think they’re brilliant re this.

Interesting my 5yo DD takes forever to eat and is slow all the time and always day dreaming and getting distracted from the task at hand, I've started to suspect she may have inattentive add, so interesting that your DD may have it too and has some similar issues

Get everything ready the night before. All bags packed, uniform laid out, coats ready, etc. Then less to do in the morning.

Have dinner much earlier . And so something calmimg before bed not dancing or exciting physical play that just winds up children making it more difficult to sleep. And she is going to bed late anyway so tired. So I think you bring everything forward.
Play when they get in
Dinner starting about 5
Quiet play, reading, homework etc after dinner
In bed by 7.30

Hi OP

My kids are ND and find the concept of time passing a really, really tricky concept. We have timers for everything that needs it (hopefully linked below) as it's visual it allows them to see the time passing by and they've honestly helped the family so much.

E.G alarms go off (we have one of those sunrise clocks for the kids that is brilliant at slowly waking them up) then they get a 5 min timer to get out of bed.

Brush teeth, get dressed and downstairs: another 10 minutes.

They then know to get their bags packed and shoes on (doing this means that they're ready for school a good 45 mins before we have to leave therefore no last minute rushing)

I make breakfast, they eat in front of a bit of TV with the timer on again. At this point they get a good 30 mins to sit and relax before school.

We have to be outside waiting for my son's taxi to special school 5 mins before they arrive as the policy is they will only wait for 3 mins before leaving without him.

I think you're doing the right thing in looking at your days and chucking out what doesn't work.

Your DD may want to play the instrument but it sounds like this isn't the time for it. It's hard, but you have to make the unpopular decisions sometimes. If she isn't going to practice then being in Yr4 is old enough to understand consequences.

Would timers for crafts, tv, reading time help? 20 mins on each for instance.

Get her involved in choosing what she wants for dinner? You've probably already done that. Definitely earlier dinner, earlier bedtime so she can have a chat (again, timer!) and I wonder if the dancing before bedtime is winding up rather than relaxing? Try yoga or a nice bath?

The FIL issue is annoying, and maybe he could just cook for the adults?

And where is your husband in this? Is he supporting you?

Would dropping homework for a month help? Really concentrate on the issues at home, then slowly introduce it. I know you say she's falling behind, but if she's tired, not eating properly and not focusing then maybe take away those demands.

I did this with my son and it really helped - we had a proper break, focused on resting and sleep and then started with just 10 mins a day and slowly increased.

Apologies for the essay!

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Few thoughts
You seem to be in school commute 1.5 hours each day is leaving at 8 and getting there about 8.45 (you say it's 8.30 but often 10-15 mins late). Consider if that school is worth that commute, or a quicker way to get there.
We took a conscious decision that we did not want a long school commute, and moved to a village where school is 5 mins walk away. We aim to leave at 8.30 for an 8.40 start, do a slow walk with stopping and chatting

You say your daughter is a slow eater - is she getting enough nutrition at school, as their lunchtimes are often 30 mins or less? I have an extremely slow eater, partly due to being ND, partly due to oral abnormalities, meaning takes ages to chew, a piece of chicken can take 5 mins from going in to being swallowed. So we eat little and often as she can't focus long enough to get enough nutrition in, and is underweight. High calorie low effort foods, such as home made smoothies with full fat yogurt are a winner for us when get home at about 3.45, with dinner at about 5.30

Both. She resists getting out of bed but once she is up she gets distracted. Similarly, she resists going upstairs at bedtime and then gets distracted while getting ready for bed.

What time of day do you and your children work best? I am absolutely hopeless at mornings my daughter looks to be the same. All bags are packed the night before, uniforms and my clothes are laid out and anything else needed for the next day the night before. On a Sunday if I can I sort out swimming stuff and anything else needed mid week. In the mornings we get up, do breakfast, get dressed do teeth and leave. Ideally I need an hour for me and my 4yo but I had to do it in 30 minutes the other day when we both struggled to wake up.
I have alarms set through out the morning for different transitions so that time doesn't start to drag and we end up late. My daughter often isn't ready to face the world and gets dressed when she wakes up. We have wasted time here fairly frequently and then been more under pressure. I have switched to doing breakfast first if she's not in a frame of mind to get dressed first. Another slow eater too! She has multiple food allergies and completely goes off food if she's having food in her diet she shouldn't have. She didn't engage with weaning until 13 months when we had identified most of her 20 allergies.

As your daughter is a slow eater I think I would prioritise getting her sat at the table as early as possible in the morning. Once she is having breakfast then start getting the 3yo ready. I would go through your morning routine and work out which are the time blocks and what can be done alongside them. I always do my daughters hair when she's eating breakfast.

Our night routine is pretty tight we are home at 5.45-6.15 dinner - one of us does the pick up the other does dinner. At 6.55 we do medications and multivitamins. Up stairs for pjs and teeth. We then go through her reward chart for the day, we have a list of things to do each day and she gets a pom pom for every thing - nearly all are around her daily routine and encouraging independence. It's nice at the end of the day to acknowledge all she has done in the day - putting clothes in the linen basket to hanging coats up and so on. She then had oat milk, stories, mouth wash and another teeth clean. Sleep with cuddles.
Your posts seem to be filled with stuff not done and I wonder whether some quiet reflection at the end of the day would be more beneficial part of the bed time routine for all of you? You might find that they are filling their time with things the fulfill them it's just different to the things you thought they would be doing after school

I'm bipolar and one thing I have learnt most about life is you need to figure out what shape peg you are and how you can mould you daily life to fit it your peg. Routine has been so crucial for me and accountability which is where my many alarms to jostle me through my morning routine really makes a difference. With low mood I can while away town staring into space with just thoughts of despair when my mood is high I will decide to scrub the kitchen floor in the middle of breakfast or rearrange all the clothes in the cupboard instead of getting dressed.
When my mood is normal or low I find mornings so challenging. I need a lot of alarms. I have a lumie light up alarm which really helps me. It does a fake sunrise and makes such a difference to my morning.