Please help me figure out how to fix my kids ' childhood

[DrowningInChaos]

Theoretically, we are very privileged. Both dh and me have good jobs and the kids are relatively healthy. But our biggest issue (at least mine) is that there is just not enough time. Ever. The kids never have enough time to play, do craft, practice dd's instrument or do homework. We barely have enough time to talk and on top of that the kids are sleep deprived because there isn't enough time to sleep. And dd is late to school most days. I blame the long school days in the uk but other parents and kids seem to manage much better so it's obviously something we are doing wrong. I'm desperate. Please help me figure it out. Dd is 8 and in year 4. Ds is 3 and in pre school.

This is our schedule:

7.00 wake dd
7.20 dd slowly gets up (after lots of attempts to get her out of bed. Mostly still no shouting at this point)
7.20-8.00: dd gets ready (go to the toilet, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, pack school stuff, eat breakfast if there is time otherwise pack breakfast and eat in the car). More and more shouting and stress at this point for the kids to hurry up.
8.00 we have to leave at 8 to be at the school by 8.30. Most of the time we don't manage and are 5-10 minutes late. Most of the time we have forgotten something.

Ds gets up quite easily at 7 but needs help wothe very step of grtting ready. So he gets ready very quickly but then often delays everything by starting to play and refusing to leave the house.

8.30-3.30: school
4.00-4:15: back at home.
4.15-6.15 free time (but dd loses a lot of time by very slowly washing her hands and removing her shoes, etc). This is the time when theoretically she could do.any school related work or practice her instrument. Ds can just play.
6 -7.15 or 7.30: dinner. I know it's long but dd is severely underweight. No medical issues. Possibly arfid. She eats extremely slowly but we cannot cut down on this time and risk less calories going into her.
7.15 or 7.30 - 7.45: dance or play (so they don't go to bed feeling too full)
7.45 -8 or 8.15: get ready for bed (This is when I start getting stressed again)

8.30 - 8.45 lights out after reading for a while
Dd takes very long to fall asleep. Often an hour or so. It's not hecause she isn't tired. It's irrespective of when she goes to hed and she struggles so incredibly much waking up in the morning that she imo she needs more sleep. Ds is out like a light sometime between 8.15 and 8.30 whenever we manage to put him to bed. He is just turned 3, has just dropped his nap but we don't manage to put him to bed before that. He refuses to go upstairs without dd.

Once a week dd has a club at school followed by swimming so she only comes home by about 7pm and then everything is even more delayed. Once s week I need her to.atrend a club or after school club so I can finish work.

On Saturdays we have a slow start. Dd has an extra curricular activity at 11am but somehow we are also always late for this club. The biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and breakfast. She hates both. She is adamant that she wants to do this club. We try and keep Saturday afternoons and Sundays free for family outings, meet8ng friends, birthday parties, going to the park or play dates. Somehow they pass in a jiffy too. Sometimes her homework takes a couple of hours (or more).

Our biggest bottlenecks are getting ready and eating but I just don't know how to get dd to speeden up. I'm not sure she can. She is very absent minded and dreamy. And she is so tired in the morning, which slows her down too.

She loves doing craft but we have got a million craft projects lying around that she has started but doesn't get time to finish because she never gets a decent few hours or fald a day in one stretch to work on just one thing. There are the weekends but I also think it's important that she plays outdoors and with other kids so half a day goes at least in going to the park or on a playdate.

She loves reading but she reads so much that slowly I think it's doing more harm than good because of all the other things she is missing out on. She also loves talking which slows her down but then we need to have time to talk don't we? She often wants to talk to me at bedtime but we are usually so late already! I get some time to play with ds after school but at all times when dd is at home she talks non stop so there is very little opportunity to talk enough to ds. I thought his language skills were. underdeveloped for his age because of that but according to the health visitor his speech and comprehension are quite good. Still. I feel so bad for not talking to him enough m

Anyway, dd is also meant to do 20min of school work every day (app game based) but there is just no time. We just don't do it. She used to do very well academically but is noe starting to lag behind. She is learning an instrument but rarely practices.

Apologies for the length of this but I just don't know what to do. 1-2h of free time a day are just not enough to fit in anything of quality but I just don't know what to do. I wish she went to a different school that was closer to us and had a shorter day (and no homework) but that's a whole other thread. For now we are stuck with the school.

What am I doing wrong? What could i do betterI ?

I can feel my blood pressure rise every morning and evening when I need the kids to get ready either for school or for bed and I'm exhausted by the time it's done. I always used to be a calm and patient parent but now I'm starting to become more shouty and I hate it. It seems like there is no time for cheerfulness or playfulness let alone any proper playing. This isn't how childhood is supposed to be. Kids are meant to have loads of time. Enough time to get bored. My kids don't even have enough time to sleep. Please help me. What am I doing wrong?

I disagree with prepping the night before. Get in good habits from when you walk in the door. Shoes, coats and bags live in one place next to the keys and water bottles. School uniforms are in a separate drawer to the rest of the clothes so they just grab what they need and put them on. Swap to school dinners if she's lunches. No extra meal after school/preschool, fruit and a biscuit and a drink while you cook dinner. Serve it between 5 and 530.

My DS 7 is similar with food and getting on with things. It helps if I make things into a game- setting a stop watch for things like getting dressed is something my son finds fun, a reward if you eat all your dinner within a certain time etc. I also explain my expectations clearly and repeatedly e.g. we are leaving at 8:15, which is in five minutes. I turn off screens and distractions. I'm getting him his own alarm clock too which obviously I will help him with. Incidentally I have ADHD and I think my son does too.

She sounds like she has inattentive ADHD. I was exactly like this as a child but it wasn't picked up because everyone assumes you have to be hyperactive.

Having kids is a full time job in itself.

If you're both in good jobs, would there be scope for one of you to go part time? You both seem knackered as it is.

And one thing we expect children to do that we don't expect of ourselves is to sleep alone.

So I wonder if the reason DS refuses to go up to bed without DD is that he's afraid? Being alone in the dark on another floor while everyone else is downstairs can be scary. I remember. But when she's an adolescent with a later bedtime and he's still a little boy, this could store up trouble for you.

A child loving reading and chatting with you a lot is something so many parents would give everything to have. That's to be celebrated.

The craft projects - could you put them all away and have just one out to be completed and displayed, then the next one could be resumed? Maybe it's overwhelming having them all out at once.

Are you managing and being supported yourself with your ADHD? You don't mention your husband much - is he pulling his weight?

Just some random thoughts from your post, there.

I would remove the instrument. Remove the clubs and remove the school work. She doesn’t need to do homework, she’s 8. School work is done in school until secondary school.
She clearly doesn’t want to practice the instrument so that goes and she doesn’t want to do the club because she’s not ready and raring to go to it. So that goes too.
My dd is 8 and she needs to be in bed asleep by 8pm latest. So bring dinner time to 5pm and bed time to 7.30 being in bed asleep to 8.

Also chase up the doctors for a referral because the eating and washing hands thing isn’t normal

Yes that's a very good point. I used to.love reading at her age but then I had the whole afternoon to do other things as well. The pr9blem is that she doesn't want to just read. She wants to read AND do craft AND play AND meet her friends, etc. I think she reads so much because when she is tired it is less effort than other things. She reads the same books again and again and rhen often feels bad later that she doesn't have time for something else. Like watching TV when you are exhausted. I don't think she finds it that fulfilling or that much fun.

Regarding her eating we have run every test under the earth and the only thing we have found is the dairy intolerance. I think maybe being undiagnosed for so long might have something to do with her aversion to eating. Maybe she always felt too full or bloated. Now that we've stopped dairy she enjoys eating a bit more and sometimes, very rarely, mentions that she is hungry but she still eats very little and hwr rate of weight gain hasn't increased. Also, all the food that she did like was dairy based: butter, cream and cheese and she hates the alternatives.

Yes agree. Replace this with reading and calm down time before bed.

Yes we drive to school. She can't read as she gets car sick. We use the commute in the morning to eat and to chat.

Both the kids love dancing but seem too tired straight after school. However if they have dinner earlier they might have enough energy to dance then. I will definitely try earlier dinners. This means I need to be more organised and prepare dinner before they come home.

I do agree with you that it's a long school day, if you're leaving at 8 and not back until 4.

Our primary was 9am - 3.15pm, and only a 10 mins walk from our house. Even then the kids would be exhausted! I know plenty of other kids cope, and do before/after school clubs, but if your DD does have ADHD then that day will already be a lot I reckon.

I would ditch the idea of homework and instrument practice.

She sounds classically ADHD. There’s no point ignoring that because it’s highly relevant to your lives.

She needs specific strategies and possibly some medication for a little while to help her brain understand how to complete the day to day tasks.

Ask school to put her on their Educational Psychologist list and refer for assessment. Because of the ARFID and social difficulties I would also be interested in Autism. If school has a play therapist see if she can be seen.

It all sounds fine and normal to me. Bar the shouting - no need for that - just get up 15 minutes earlier and stop trying to force everything into a narrow time frame.

Just chill, let your daughter do things at her own pace - she's only 8.
Let her read for longer at bedtime if she enjoys it. 15 mins is no time at all.

I work full time and am organised which was a bit of a poisoned chalice for me as I got to manage dsd’s day too when she was in school lol. Anyway this is our schedule.

1. Clothes ready night before . My policy is if uniform is clean and doesn’t smell it’s okay to be worn again. I’ll never do laundry more than once a week. I batch cook multipurpose sauces like korma / tomato and marscapone
2. I wake up at 5:30am if I need to be in the office or 6am if not. I then get DS’ snack / bookbag ready and will hang them and his coat on the door.
3. DH then wakes DS at 6:30 and supervises teeth and getting dressed. Breakfast starts at 7am sharp and if DS is late then he doesn’t get to choose what he gets I do (evil laugh). While eats I quickly become presentable.
4. 7:30 we leave the house. arrive to school in 5mins and we then spend the time until school opens listening to stories / playing in the car / reading.
5. Back home by 8:30. I then sign into work and work through lunch. . One of us will pick up DS at 3 and ensure he gets 30mins play in the playground while the other gets a quick dinner on. DS will eat some fruit and unwinds from 3-4:30 (if no classes, if classes then depending on which one it is this is reduced), dinner 4:30-5:30, kumon for 30mins (maths and english). Then bed by 6:15.
6. DS is nearly 5. For most of DSD’s school career I’d wake her at 6am. She wasn’t a breakfast person so after she got ready she spent 30 practicing her instrument or doing homework or I’d read to her. Then school until 3:30. Then homework club until 4:30. Then one class a day until 5:30. She’d come home, decompress, eat dinner 6-7 and spent an hour playing for me as we talked through her day.
7. All appointments and ‘to dos’ in an electronic family diary.
8. I view Afterschool clubs as a customer rather than a set commitment . If they don’t work for us on a given day I don’t mind missing them.
9. When DH and I both go to the office we use professional childcare until we can pick them up. For DS that’s provided by the private school he uses until 6. DSD’s primary / grammar didn’t have this so we paid a local childminder to look after her after her normal working hours.

She sounds like my DD who has ADHD and SPD. I'd recommend looking into ths ASAP as it gets worse in girls during puberty and secondary school.

Yep that's good and sometimes what we do, she's already sat at the table so sometimes easier to do homework as she hasn't gone and got distracted by something else.

Yes, that's what dh and my friends say. We are perfectly normal and my expectations are skewed by own childhood.

I do work long hours. In order to pick up dd at 3.30 I need to do another hour or two after the kids have gone to bed but that's OK. Poor ds has to be in both breakfast club and afterschool club and I do feel very bad for him.

OP, I have an ND child with ARFID. This is how I manage

1. Prep everything you can the night before.
2. Get a fast breakfast that your child will eat
3. Timer for end of breakfast and you have all ready at the door to go
4. after school snack time to decompress, then homework, then dinner.
5. my DC eats to their timetable separate to us, I sit and talk to them but don’t make the other DC eat to this timetable. With ARFID you just focus on getting calories in to them, you can teach social niceties at a separate time.
6. Ditch the instrument, they can take it up when they are older.
7. My DC is now 17 and we are almost through school - this process has worked; It has also helped me manage 3 DC

Yes I definitely need to be much more organised!!

So instead of her feeling bad make a schedule.
On Monday she'll do arts and crafts at home - get the resources she needs at the weekend
On Wednesday she does some baking and makes the dessert for after dinner
On Friday she invites X friend around ( personally I found Saturday pm better for playdates due to work and my autistic DD being exhausted by theed of the week.

Give her week more structure but less formal scheduling so drop the instrument etc.

We have 13 weeks of school holidays for arts and crafts and seeing friends if she's too tired in the week or weekend.

Sounds to me though (and with your history) that there is something far more serious going on, her tiredness and need to read and often read the same book sounds alot like my DD when she gets home from school and needs peace and quiet although she listens to the same music to regulate. Slowness at tasks can easily be dyspraxia, ADD, struggling with food could be ARFID or sensory based. Basically I think you need to go he GP with the whole host of observations, a blood test to check for nutrient deficiency and if they aren't willing to look in to the issue going private. The description you have written ticks so many ND boxes not looking into it would be a mistake.

Don't know why people are insisting the school day is short, it isn't. The length is dictated by the economics of the workplace and the lack of resources in schools. It's not for the benefit of the children. Home ed parents don't need to spend nearly as long on teaching and then kids can do clubs, play out, socialise, be in the world - and yet people insist school is optimal, just because it's always been done that way, and therefore the way school does it must be best for the child. It IS a long day for a child, crazy to me that people will insist it isn't.

I came to say this too. I’m autistic and have ADHD and I wondered if you were neurodivergent from your writing style. And then you said you were and it came as no surprise 😂

You need to seriously consider the fact your DD may be neurodivergent. And that could mean ADHD or it could also mean ADHD with autism. The latter looks very different to ADHD alone which is why you might not recognise it. From your description it very strongly seems as though she is, I was thinking that before you discussed you have ASHD.

Have you tried the things that are suggested for ND children? Visual timetable? Visible countdown clock? Breaking tasks into smaller steps?

It’s not that your child can’t do these things or cant understand language but pictorial aids reduce the load.

My DS (also autistic) found countdown clocks really stressful, sane for sand timers. However, some ND children find they help.

I struggle with time and can lose hours accidentally unless there’s someone to help keep me on track. It sounds as if your DD needs the same.

i really think you should be considering an assessment for her. You know yourself how all-encompassing neurodivergence can be.

Your post resonates with me! I’m still figuring it out but here are some things that worked for us:

Could you give some structure during the 2h free time?
I do that either by chatting with them on the way back from school or by writing down all tasks and then defining with them in which order they want to do it. Tasks being: empty book bags, wash hands, homework, shower, reading, screen time, crafts. Once they realise that the time they waste washing hands slowly is in effect taken from the potential time they have to play/watch a screen they become surprisingly more efficient.

We also have a skinny chatty slow eater. For us no screens/toys as it just slows meals down. And we also ask that if he is significantly behind everybody else he stops talking and focusses on eating. We’ll stay with him at the table even if we are all done though.
Ah and we found that putting all the food (incl dessert) on the table at the beginning of the meal helps for some reason.

Finally, I would skip the dance/play after dinner and go straight to reading (or shower then reading). Or keep some dance/play but just 5-10min.

That's exactly what I'm looking for. Ways to make things easier and quicker for her.

So a few things that I may do in order to help a little. (I have two kids, one who has autism and adhd among other things so I can appreciate mornings don't always go according to plan)

1. Get them up earlier. If it takes your daughter 20 minutes to get up then get her up at 6.30. You can't keep being late for school. How do you get her up? Stay in her room until she is out of bed.
2. Have yourself ready before you get the kids up so you can focus on them.
3. Stay with them while they get changed/teeth brushing etc so you can keep them on task.
4. Make a visual timetable of the order of the morning and have in an obvious place where they can see it. eg get up, make bed, get dressed, eat breakfast etc.
5. When you get in ask her to take shoes off but stand with her when she does it so she doesn't have a chance to get distracted.
6. Get them to bed a little earlier, particularly the younger one.
7. As long as your daughter is in bed don't stress about what time she will go to sleep. She is still resting while lying there.
8. Reduce the amount of play dates you have. They socialise and play at school so make things easier for yourself.
9. If she isn't practising the instruments of her own accord then I'd stop the lessons. It's not worth the extra hassle if they aren't that into it.

10. No dancing etc until homework is done and I'd do it as soon as you get in so she can relax for the rest of the evening. 11. Have literally everything ready to go in the morning. So pack bags etc the night before and lay out uniform and shoes.

I'd really also consider if there was anything else going on such as adhd as she sounds similar to my son. I find body doubling an effective way of ensuring he gets everything done in a timely manner otherwise we would be sitting there the next day while he had on trousers, shirt and maybe one sock claiming he was ready to go!

I have a 7yo and a toddler. Obviously the below suggestions might not work for you but here's some of the things we do during the week to make life "better":

• Go to the playground 2-3 times a week for an hour after school. If it's raining, we go for a quick walk or to the library or soft play. Kids need lots of exercise and I don't think they get enough during the school day. This helps mine sleep better.
• Do homework on the way home in a library or a cafe. DC1 concentrates much better out of the house.
• If homework isn't done on the way home, it's done the moment we enter the house. Shoes off and in the shoe rack, oldest one sitting at the kitchen table. DC2 often scribbles while DC1 does homework.
• Sometimes I leave some craft stuff on the table for the DC to do once the homework is done.
• Have "tidy-up" time before the DC go upstairs for bath-time.

My DC1 does their swimming lesson and two after-school clubs a week, one of which is at school. We don't do any weekend activities.

Personally I'd try to combine the playdate and weekend activity with outdoor time. Ask a friend to meet you at a playground or other place before the weekend activity so the kids can play outside and you're not late for the activity.

A few others have said this @DrowningInChaos but I think the main problem is not your dd it’s you! You are putting WAY too much much pressure on yourself and your dd to be honest. Just try to change up the routine a bit to see what works best but stop stressing about it.