Page 5 | To have snapped back at moody dp

linziiee · 2024-10-11T06:13:58+00:00

I wake up every morning with the the children while dp stays in bed. Dp is self employed and doesn't work late nights or early mornings. Mainly just a few afternoons a week. So no excuses for staying in bed and not helping. I wake up get 3 dc ready, take two to school and one to nursery before going to work myself. Dc woke dp up be with just general morning noise and he woke up vile, (it was 8am, so not super early) barging into livingroom shouting im sick of this, waking me up everyday. Wait until the weekend when your sleeping, ill wake you all up so early with banging. I defended them and said they've done nothing wrong, their just getting ready for school and they should'nt have to tip toe. You should be up helping anyway. Then he flipped on me calling me lazy when he is the poster boy for lazy. Now were not talking because he's mad at me for calling him out.

Washingupdone · 15/10/2024 16:08

If you have calculated he is not bringing into the household and family, either monetary or happiness, get your ducks in a row and wait (copy all papers and put in another place) till it gets too much.

JanuaryBug · 15/10/2024 16:33

linziiee · 11/10/2024 11:43

@femfemlicious I did ask him that. And his response is 'you're awake anyway so it makes sense for you to get them ready and take them. But if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't take them, i'd still do it. We split household bills but i pay nursery fees, after school club fees, lunch money for eldest at secondary school, after school activities, clubs, school trips, days out and all other expenses that come with children and he had they cheek to ask what I do with my money. Honestly sitting here thinking about it he contributes nothing positive to our lives. We love it when he's out. He has such a negative energy. Oh and he gave a sly dig that when i get home from work after a 9 hour shift, i sit down and apparently that makes me lazy. I suggested we part ways and he got so nasty to me not abusive, but starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.

Your last line - 'he got so nasty to me not abusive, but starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.'

That is abuse love. Along with everything else he does. He may not shout, or hit but he is abusive.

Make steps to leave. Contact Women's Aid.

Littys · 15/10/2024 16:36

Wrong thread. Apologies

Keeks08 · 15/10/2024 16:38

Wow he is a real piece of work! Sounds like a deeply unhappy person himself, are you sure he wouldn’t be happier on his own as he sounds like he doesn’t want to be an involved husband/dad and it might be better if you approach separating with this in mind when you talk? It doesn’t sound like you want to carry on or make this work and to be honest it would be on him to make changes which I don’t think he would be willing to do if he can’t even get up at 8am to help the kids get some breakfast! People like this rarely change and only realise what they have lost when it’s gone unfortunately. Good luck OP

Flugelb1nder · 15/10/2024 16:46

Your kids will take this childhood with them for the rest of their lives

You admit you have settled for what life is. You clearly arent happy

Your kids are not happy

Tip toeing around as a child and being made to feel unwelcome in their own home like your DP does to your kids, he is the precursor to them having mental health problems as they grow up. Many adults with generalised anxiety disorder had a childhood like this

You do not actually need him, you dont like him and neither you or the kids enjoy his company

Moreover, he sounds like a total waste of skin

Skyrainlight · 15/10/2024 16:48

linziiee · 11/10/2024 11:43

@femfemlicious I did ask him that. And his response is 'you're awake anyway so it makes sense for you to get them ready and take them. But if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't take them, i'd still do it. We split household bills but i pay nursery fees, after school club fees, lunch money for eldest at secondary school, after school activities, clubs, school trips, days out and all other expenses that come with children and he had they cheek to ask what I do with my money. Honestly sitting here thinking about it he contributes nothing positive to our lives. We love it when he's out. He has such a negative energy. Oh and he gave a sly dig that when i get home from work after a 9 hour shift, i sit down and apparently that makes me lazy. I suggested we part ways and he got so nasty to me not abusive, but starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.

It's emotional blackmail threatening to call social services. Kick him out for your children's sake. They shouldn't be walking on eggshells.

Timehealseverything · 15/10/2024 16:53

OP I hope you have left now? He is a bellend x

BackForABit · 15/10/2024 17:02

Skyrainlight · 15/10/2024 16:48

It's emotional blackmail threatening to call social services. Kick him out for your children's sake. They shouldn't be walking on eggshells.

Show quote history

I think it's worse, it's blackmail blackmail!

StrongbutTired00 · 15/10/2024 17:09

And if you’re such a bad mum then what does he suggest? That SS give him the full custody instead and he has to do early wake up’s, breakfasts, uniforms and school runs 5 days a week? Yeah right. You and your DC would have a blissful life without him OP. Hard and daunting at first because he’s been like part of the furniture for so long, once you’re used to the change it will be like a breath of fresh air and a weight lifted from all your shoulders. I sincerely hope you have the courage to leave ❤️

Strawberrysherbets · 15/10/2024 18:17

linziiee · 11/10/2024 11:43

@femfemlicious I did ask him that. And his response is 'you're awake anyway so it makes sense for you to get them ready and take them. But if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't take them, i'd still do it. We split household bills but i pay nursery fees, after school club fees, lunch money for eldest at secondary school, after school activities, clubs, school trips, days out and all other expenses that come with children and he had they cheek to ask what I do with my money. Honestly sitting here thinking about it he contributes nothing positive to our lives. We love it when he's out. He has such a negative energy. Oh and he gave a sly dig that when i get home from work after a 9 hour shift, i sit down and apparently that makes me lazy. I suggested we part ways and he got so nasty to me not abusive, but starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.

Jesus. I’m so depressed reading about all these truly fucking AWFUL men.

Original poster

linziiee · 15/10/2024 19:08

We live in his parent's house (they don't live with us) so it would be me moving out and not him. I have thought about leaving him for many years and have discussed it and his behaviour changes for a short while but then it's back to normal. He has his money and i have mine. We split household bills but i pay for everything for the children. I think the fear of starting from scratch has stopped me from actually taking the leap and moving out. I know we will be happier without him and it's sad. I have started looking at properties but haven't told him, if i did he'd just change for a bit in the hope I'll change my mind. My Mum suffers with mental health and his go to insult when we argue is 'your just like your Mum, you've got mental health problems, it's not normal to want to move out and take the children away from me because of we've had a disagreement'. But it's not a disagreement, it's him not pulling his weight and me burning out trying to parent for the both of us. On top of everything, our DS has ADHD and is very demanding of my time and struggles regulating himself and dp is no help with him. He treats him like he's 'naughty' so i again make up for his lack of understanding of his needs. It's actually really good to know how he acts and behaves isn't normal because we've been together so long it's become my normal 😢

OP posts:

Washingupdone · 15/10/2024 19:16

All the bills should be split, not only household but the children, as they are his not only yours. Put as much as you can into your pension.

Threewheeler1 · 15/10/2024 19:17

I think you've had a tough time OP, and it's been so long you've forgotten what it's like not to be under huge pressure.
He leaves it all to you doesn't he? Sounds like you hold it all together for everyone all the time, and he takes full advantage of that.
That's exhausting, especially when it's combined with navigating his foul moods, temper, criticism, threats, laziness and all the rest. He's a nasty burden in your life.
That's no way for you to live. You and your DC deserve better, remember that. Don't listen to him, he's trying to make you out to be unreasonable but that's absolute bollocks.

CowTown · 15/10/2024 19:19

Washingupdone · 15/10/2024 19:16

All the bills should be split, not only household but the children, as they are his not only yours. Put as much as you can into your pension.

Exactly. It’s not 50/50 when it’s “50/50 for everything except for the childrens’ needs, which are 100/0.”

DearDenimEagle · 15/10/2024 19:25

Glad to see you are looking for somewhere and you are right not to tell him. Your children can’t grow up thinking that that family life is normal. It will affect how they treat people too and also how they will expect to be treated by others, as in picking abusive partners because it’s normalised for them, so good on you for trying to change that.

It seems like a huge challenge but while some aspects will seem daunting, you will be free of so much strain from him and you are doing so much without him already, that in fact, your life should get easier without him. Your children’s mental health should be better protected by his absence.
I’ve been where you are. Remember whatever he accuses you of is actually a confession. He projects his faults onto you. He will gaslight, lie and deflect. Don’t argue with him, just let it all wash over you knowing you will be free . Grey rock as much as possible and try not to rise to his baits, designed so he can call you crazy, unreasonable and make everything your fault. Best of luck

Littys · 15/10/2024 19:30

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.

Aimtodobetter · 15/10/2024 21:27

Absolutely leave him - its sad but clearly you and your kids would be better off. Take your time and prepare carefully so you (a) can find a way to get the most financial support possible and (b) protect yourself from his attempts to punish you for leaving him by documenting his threats beforehand.

cassy16 · 16/10/2024 00:17

In the nicest possible way your living situation is not a reason to stay please consider the quality of life your children are having living as you stated “walking on egg shells” children are only young for such a short amount of time and this will impact them for the rest of their lives them living in a possibly smaller happy home with a single but happy mother is far more important believe me

Menopausalprincess · 16/10/2024 07:05

Littys · 15/10/2024 19:30

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.

This,
they will help you plan exactly what you need to do

MrsHaaland · 16/10/2024 18:56

It's not in his best interests for you to split up because he would actually have to parent his children and provide for them when he has them and he won't want that so he needs you to stay. He absolutely won't phone social services either, he's just trying to scare you into staying. He's got it made right now hasn't he? He doesn't have to do anything and that will change if you leave.

Justkeepswiimming · 16/10/2024 23:30

Still in bed at 8am on a school morning when he has kids. There is no excuse for that. He's a waste of space. Gey rid. You'll be better off without him. By the sounds of it you're already on your own anyway. You'll just be without a spoilt man-child to deal with.