To have snapped back at moody dp

[linziiee]

I wake up every morning with the the children while dp stays in bed. Dp is self employed and doesn't work late nights or early mornings. Mainly just a few afternoons a week. So no excuses for staying in bed and not helping. I wake up get 3 dc ready, take two to school and one to nursery before going to work myself. Dc woke dp up be with just general morning noise and he woke up vile, (it was 8am, so not super early) barging into livingroom shouting im sick of this, waking me up everyday. Wait until the weekend when your sleeping, ill wake you all up so early with banging. I defended them and said they've done nothing wrong, their just getting ready for school and they should'nt have to tip toe. You should be up helping anyway. Then he flipped on me calling me lazy when he is the poster boy for lazy. Now were not talking because he's mad at me for calling him out.

Then stop

What's the housing situation?

I assume he's their father?

He's awful and it sounds like he considers them your children. It's not nice to grow up feeling like you need to tiptoe around a moody parent. Already sounds like you're doing a great job of doing everything yourself, so I'd tell him to pack his bags.

So he pays half the bills... butnothing for the children. What a useless twat. Is uspect you'd be financially and emotionally better off without him.

For the record, DH had a late start yesterday so he had a lie in. Yes, we woke him up inevitably with normal morning stuff. He went back to sleep. It was fine.

Also, this morning, I was up early with the kids. He then got up so he could take them to school so that I didn't have to rush to get showered etc as quickly.

This is normal give nad take.

He sounds like a nasty, lazy person OP.

Wow...this relationship is pretty much over!. He sounds like he is a disgustingly selfish and wicked person just like my ex husband. I'm so sorry . Please start making plans on how to divorce him. It won't be easy , he will do everything to make things as hard as possible for you .

If you won’t leave for yourself, do it for the kids. They deserve more than a life of walking on eggshells.

@femfemlicious OP hasn't referred to him as a husband, so likely very easy to dump the shitty man. Just need to sort housing and him paying for his kids.

If someone threatened to report me to social services, they would be out the door straight away. I'd have none of his lazy, nasty, threatening behaviour. Raise the bar OP, if you are all relieved when he's out there's something seriously wrong.

I don't know how you can bear to be around him.

I'm not at all surprised he doesn't want you to leave, he might have to get a job.

He’s an abusive bully. Your poor kids didn’t choose this kind of childhood. Please start the ball rolling to give them a better childhood (ie dump the waste of space).

starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.

Yeah, right

If ever you needed proof that he contributed nothing positive to your life, there you having.

Why do so many men think it's ok to treat their families in this way.

Get rid, sooner the better.

And what exactly is he for?

What enhancement does he bring to you and your children's lives?

He doesn't like any of you, or want or enjoy any of your company.

And you're presenting this as the example to your children of what a relationship, a husband, a father is and should be ... for why?

Yes it’s time to get rid.

I really laughed at the calling SS comment!

‘Ooh yes DP, you should. If you’re really concerned about my parenting then it’s absolutely right that you alert them. Do you want me to make some lists about shopping/ cooking/ times and places they have to be/ school information, so when I’m under investigation and have to move elsewhere and you have them 100% and have to do everything for them, you’ll be a step ahead? No no, don’t backtrack, you’re totally right, plus it will probably be quite useful to have all that free time so that I can look for a new smaller cheaper place to live…’

🤣🤣🤣🤣

And yes that’s a joke but the reality is awful. He says that to you? He’s no father, he’s no partner. Just a lazy sponging wanker.

Get rid. You’ll be calmer, happier, your kids will be happier, you’ll mysteriously find your money goes further despite there being less of it (though not much by the sound of it).

If you rent this is a no-brainer.

Reading back it sounds as if your issues will be -

childcare for shift work - he won’t do it, so could there be a plan? Could you change job?

maintenance - he’ll hide his income as self-employed. Try and get as much proof as possible. If he does his own tax returns, find his UTR and government gateway login details if you can, and download his old tax returns.

Oh and he gave a sly dig that when i get home from work after a 9 hour shift, i sit down and apparently that makes me lazy.

Ah yes, that's well known, it's called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reversing Victim and Offender.

Basically accusing you of doing what he's doing, to confuse and unsettle you.

Common behaviour, often described on Mumsnet.

And the bit about what are you doing with your money - well, what's he doing with his? Bit more DARVO there, perhaps?

I suggested we part ways and he got so nasty to me not abusive, but starts saying I couldn't cope without him and he'd phone social services on me.

And that's a top tactic of the abusive coercive controller.

You taking yourself and the children away from him = depriving him of property he controls.

Too many men believe women and children are things. Things they own, and can do what they like with and to them.

The thought of you all not being there is in the same place in his mind as the thought of his car or his phone being taken away. It's about fear of losing property. Not relationships, not love.

So he issues threats designed to prod your worst fear - losing your children. Social services = danger, for you. So that's where he goes.

To control you.

And telling you you can't cope alone? Classic examples of belittling and undermining you, brainwashing you to try to make you feel / believe you genuinely couldn't cope alone. That's called gaslighting - yet another tick on the controller's to-do list.

And yet coping is precisely what you ARE doing, day to day. Raising your kids well, without his practical input and help.

Worried because you need the money he does make? As their father he'd be legally required to contribute, whether you live together or not.

And the threat to bang around and wake you all up at the weekend - does he honestly think he'd be able to magically get out of his slobbish habits each weekend specifically to upset his family?

What a prize shit you've got there.

So start thinking who DO you have? Your parents? Siblings? Friends? Any help available though work?

Get a solicitor who can tell you your rights. Do not listen to ANYTHING he tells you about your rights, his responsibilities, (or vice versa), your character, your capabilities, your prospects etc from now on. He is .... an unreliable source of information.

All the best. We're here and translate what he says and does.

But calling social services would presumably involve him removing at least one hand from his pants for a moment, so it would seem unlikely that he would manage that

You would all be happier without him.

Another obnoxious burden of a male.
Better off without him.
Also the obsession with the "lie ins" - you get there when retired and on your own.
For the time being, get yourself and your children away from this.

Urgh, he gives me the rage and I've never met the man, but he sounds vile. Why do you tolerate being spoken to and treated this way?

He IS abusive.

OP this was me several years ago, but with two children. I had to get up, get both ready, take youngest to nursery (50 min round trip as we used a private place owned by a friend), drive back, get eldest to neighbour for the school run then travel on train to London (40 mins) to be in work by 9am. Husband worked nights but was home by 4am and could have helped, but didn't. He too was awful if he got woken and me and the DC had to walk on eggshells.

Don't be me - I stayed with him and he just got more vile and selfish and he ended up getting a bit physical. My DDs used to beg me to leave and it wasn't until they were very late teens that I found the strength to do it. It certainly damaged them by me staying too long. Please, if you have the means, get out and give your DC the life they deserve.

Well you may have the choice whether to 'settle' for this but your kids don't get any choice at all do they? Your OH is an arsehole and a crap father but you are not doing anything about it. So what if he's gets nasty if you leave, so what if he threatens to call Social Services (like that will go anywhere!).

You are choosing to stay, leaving your kids to tip toe around and be scared to annoy him, just because you can't face a bit of temporary unpleasantness.

Op, please, please leave this man.

You will be so much happier without him oh my goodness!

You couldn't cope without him? It sounds like you already do!

Get two pages from a notepad. Write down everything you do on one page (or two, more likely). On the next page write down everything he does for the family/household.

Stand back, take a look at his list and contemplate how much extra work it will be for you to take that over.

I'm going to guess that you'd have to take the bins out once a week and maybe arrange to get the car serviced, but nothing really much more than that.

Leave the lists out so he can see them, or better still, give them to him on his way out of the door.

You say "DP" so presumably you're not married? Who's name is the house in? Is it owned or rented? Can you chuck him out??