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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not want visitors in 1st 2 weeks

71 replies

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 10:52

DP and i are expecting our 1st in next few weeks and v. excited.

much less excited by visitors issue. both sets of grandparents seem to think it will be acceptable for them to be around constantly, have been told that (childless) friends will be coming up to stay/popping over whenever they feel like it etc etc.

DP and I wanted to have 2 weeks alone with baby (as then he has to go back to work) and do some bonding, have now changed this to say family can visit in hospital and after a week at home, after 2 weeks friends. We have tried to tell people we think we will be a little overwhelmed so could they just bear with us and are being made to feel really mean.

AIBU? i know that we may change our minds but at the moment we're really tempted to not tell anyone when we have the baby so we get some peace... I know that it's their grandchild /neice /friends baby and they're excited but i feel like we're going to be overrun...

OP posts:

VanillaPumpkin · 23/04/2008 10:55

I didn't want anyone to visit when I was pregnant with dd1. When she arrived I was desperate to show her off.
I recommend a sign for your door saying BABY AND MUM SLEEPING PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB!!
Good Luck. It will be better than you think .

nowwearefour · 23/04/2008 10:55

this was my view completely too. i think you are v v sensible. let close family at least meet the baby then tell them when you are ready to see them again. you might find you appreciate them cooking you meals etc but friends even at 2 weeks is still v v v v early in my view. it is your baby and your choice. if you feel this way now believe me you will DEFINITELY feel this way when bubba arrives. and if you change your mind then you can ring people! we put a sign on the door saying we are all fine but asleep we will ring when we are ready to have visitors!

Tommy · 23/04/2008 10:56

YANBU to not let people stay but the grandparents would be very disappointed if the can't meet their new grandchild as soon as possible.

I wouldn't say never at this stage. You may well want a bit of company as your DH will shopping, cooking, doing laundry etc. Also, friends may help out qoith things that need doing. One froned went to the paharmacy for me when we couldn't get there so the are useful people to have aroubd.

Let them come - but not for long!

Dragonbutter · 23/04/2008 10:56

We have no family nearby and with DS2 we asked everyone to stay away while DH was on paternity leave. Unfortunately MIL ignored this and came down for a few days. At least she stayed in a B&B.
The main reason i wanted this quiet time was because i didn't get it with DS1. I was in hospital for two weeks and DH had to go to work again by the time we got home. So my mum had to come and help. I saw other parents enjoying time to adjust to their new family in peace and was very jealous.
YANBU to want this time, but it's a very difficult thing to do.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2008 10:57

On the day that I returned from hospital (DD was three days old), DH arranged for friends and family to come over between 4pm and 7pm only. They all came over, stayed for the alloted time and then, under his strict instruction, did not bother us for the next two weeks.

It was great to get it all out of the way - I highly recommend it.

vicky1984 · 23/04/2008 10:58

Just say it to them if they get upset then it's their problem.

I had bot my children in the mornings and was home by lunchtime and the visitors came and went till 10.30 in the evening, next time no one is coming round apart from my mum and i don't care who i upset.

yanbu

seeker · 23/04/2008 10:59

Please don't make any definite rules - you may absolutely LOVE to have visitors to show her off to! And sensible visitors who do a bit of hoovering , put the washing in and make tea are worth their weight in gold.

And I really think, although others may not agree, that different rules apply to grandparents. You can ask friends not to come in the first week, but grandparents need to bond almost as much as you do.

And I have to say, I wanted my mum.

nooname · 23/04/2008 11:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're being sensible but you'll have to be strong about it as there's nothing like a newborn for drawing people out of the woodwork!! I totally understand as after the birth of my ds my dh and I were just in a total state for the first few weeks and having anyone around then was just awful and stressful. (Particularly an issue if you are giong to try to breastfeed.)

Make it clear you understand they're disappointed but that it isn't going to make any difference to them in the grand scheme of things if they don't see the baby much/at all in the first few weeks. It's not like they do much!!

Good luck!

Monkeybird · 23/04/2008 11:04

yanbu. i did this - let parents visit in hosp. let em come later. tell people they can't stay - go to hotel etc unless they're VERY helpful round house

nooname · 23/04/2008 11:05

Just read seeker's post and sorry but total bollocks about grandpaernts needing to bond with new born in first few weeks. Newborn doesn't bond with anyone but mum and maybe dad for ages - will make NO diff to their relationshipl

seeker · 23/04/2008 11:12

Thank you for making your point so strongly, nooname. Of course it makes all the difference that you said sorry before the total bollocks bit!

I stand by my statement that a bit of slack has to be cut for grandparents - but then I think that fostering good family relationships is important - especially when there's a new baby on the scene.

There are families where good family relationships are best fostered by meeting once a year at the most - but many others where people and would like avoid upsetting each other if at all possible. And I think a lot of grandparents would be very upset if they were told they couldn't see their new grandchild for two weeks. And I can't say I blame them.

WonkyAngel · 23/04/2008 11:19

I'm going to go against the grain (just a little bit). I was the opposite and wanted to show ds off when he was born. It was very difficult for me to understand when my best friend said she didn't want me to come around when her baby was born 6 months later. She only allowed family.

It was even harder to understand as she was at the birth of my ds, and his godmother.

I tried really hard to see things from her perspective and never told her how hurt I felt, as it was her baby's birth and I didn't want to taint it.

I waited a whole 3 weeks for her to ring me and tell me that I could come and meet her ds. I had made peace with that, but when I finally went to see her, it turned out that every man and his dog had been to visit her and she had kept me waiting 3 weeks.

It broke my heart as I thought of us as sisters, (which she did too and I have no family near me) but when there was an important time in her life, she very clearly shunted me into the 'friends' category.

Sadly, I've never come to terms with it. I know it sounds selfish, but it really really hurt me. I've never told her any of this, as that would be completely selfish, but our relationship is not the same. Even though we have ds's that are the same age, we now never see each other anymore, and she is my ds's godmother in name only (another thing I am very sad about.)

All I would say, is that I really, really understand that it is your time and your decision, but it won't hurt to take a few minutes out and think about the people you are asking to stay away. If you can live with that (as my friend could) then that is fine.

I suspect that if she were to ever find out how I felt, she will be horrified, but I don't intend for that to happen.

Sorry, it's turned into a novel. Just thought I'd give you a different perspective.

Original poster

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 11:22

thanks for this - DP was all for a) not telling anyone when we have the baby or b) telling them then fleeing the country...

we understand that grandparents are excited so have said they can come to hospital and after a week (which is a week earlier than we wanted originally) but from the sounds of it its worth having a set time period...

I think the plan to breastfeed has made a difference, most of my friend dont have children and I've found it hard enough to ut up with the melon through lemon/ its gross/ baby chewing on your boob comments before she arrives - let alone when its actually happening...

thank you!

OP posts:

ninedragons · 23/04/2008 11:25

nooname, it may not make any difference to the baby, but it will make a world of difference to the grandparents.

See how you feel, otter. I had my baby in a different country and was gutted that my parents couldn't be there.

ninedragons · 23/04/2008 11:27

Sorry, cross posted with you Otter. Your friends don't sound amazingly helpful. I can't imagine I'd want them around either.

Original poster

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 11:29

wonkyangel - thanks for the different perspective.

i can see why you would be upset by that, i have tried to explain to people that i want that time for me and DP, rather than for everyone else. the plan is not to have massive hordes visiting just me, DP and baby having a bit of a love-in (then grandparents decend)... thinking about it, I think we'd be worth using TSAM's tip of getting friends over at a set time on set day so they all meet her at once and either no-one gets upset or everyone does...

OP posts:

Original poster

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 11:31

crossed again! - no i have to say i'm not feeling very supported by my pre-pregnancy friends...

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 23/04/2008 11:32

I can understand you wanting to bond with your baby and have peace and quiet for 2 weeks, but having visitors will not stop you doing that, thereissomthingaboutmarie's suggestion to allocate a couple hours in which to allow visitors, and get it out of the way in one go, is a very good one. And even your plan to have family visit at hospital then and after a week at home is also a very good idea.

Grandparents will be desperate to see your newborn and babies change so much in the first 2 weeks, so i think it would only be fair to allow them to see your dc at least once at when they are first born.

When i had my ds, my mum organised for everyone to come round to her house for tea, to meet the new addition to the clan, it meant i could turn up when i was ready and more importantly, leave when i had had enough of them and wanted baby to myself.

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/04/2008 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 23/04/2008 11:36

If your babyless friends want to come, otter just change a nappy in front of them. That'll scare them off. But do think about having different rules for grandparents. Apart from anything else, you may need someone to walk up and down for an hour or so with a squalling baby. No-one better than a doting grandparent for that!

Flum · 23/04/2008 11:38

You won;t though when its born! You will want to show it off to everyone. People think that they will suddenly become really antisocial when they have a baby. But I found I was so proud I wanted to have people round. Otherwise you get in this baby fug, spiral of crying, feeding, not getting dressed. It ain't good

FluffyMummy123 · 23/04/2008 11:38

Message withdrawn

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/04/2008 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonkyAngel · 23/04/2008 11:40

Your welcome otter. Good luck with the birth and everything and don't spend too much time worrying about these things.

I'd say go with how you're feeling once baby is born and just take it easy.

seeker · 23/04/2008 11:40

I took my dd to Tesco at 3 days because I felt she hadn't been admired enough that day....!

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