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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not want visitors in 1st 2 weeks

71 replies

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 10:52

DP and i are expecting our 1st in next few weeks and v. excited.

much less excited by visitors issue. both sets of grandparents seem to think it will be acceptable for them to be around constantly, have been told that (childless) friends will be coming up to stay/popping over whenever they feel like it etc etc.

DP and I wanted to have 2 weeks alone with baby (as then he has to go back to work) and do some bonding, have now changed this to say family can visit in hospital and after a week at home, after 2 weeks friends. We have tried to tell people we think we will be a little overwhelmed so could they just bear with us and are being made to feel really mean.

AIBU? i know that we may change our minds but at the moment we're really tempted to not tell anyone when we have the baby so we get some peace... I know that it's their grandchild /neice /friends baby and they're excited but i feel like we're going to be overrun...

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 23/04/2008 23:03

I'd let them come. It won't be long before they have all lost interest/stopped visiting and you'll be wishing someone would pop over!

Also agree 'gatekeeping' is a very good job to give DH - I can't imagine anybody minding if they're told at the outset, 'she's really tired, can we keep it to five minutes?'. People usually like to feel they're doing their bit to take care of you by keeping it brief I think.

And you never know how you will feel. When DS was born i had a bad time and was rather pleased to still be here to SEE my visitors! I was filled with love for all my family and friends and loved having the security of having them around.

Having said that, did have a couple of early visits from REALLY distant friends, can't imagine why they came, but DH kicked in and did the gatekeeping bit and it was no biggie.

See how you feel at the time.

tori32 · 23/04/2008 23:17

No YANBU. I had my 1st 2 years ago after a traumatic EMCS, got descended on by relatives staying at the house as they lived 5 hrs away. It was awful because my parents were unhelpful to say the least. .
I have just had dd2 4 weeks ago and banned my parents for the first 3 weeks! I rang after 4 days to say they could come the following week, they rang back saying they had booked the b and b for the following day! I said sorry I don't want any visits yet, you'll have to unbook!

I say choose visitors who will
a) be supportive of your choices, especially about bf if that is what you choose- my parents made a massive deal of it and made me feel like I was doing something unnatural.

b) not expect to be waited on/entertained and will help you with chores. My DMIL was a godsend as she did my washing up, washing, ironing, drying, bathing dd1/ dd2, entertaining dd1 etc. FANTASTIC

Tell the unhelpful people to wait and the helpful ones to come (or tell unhelpful ones to expect to be roped into chores if they come!!)

babyjamas · 24/04/2008 09:08

of course you're being unreasonable! 2 weeks alone with a new baby and partner - you'd be bloody demented by the end of it. My dd2 was 3 months premature - what i wouldn't have done to be able to show her off to the world and his wife. the day she came home 11 weeks later my doors were wide open for her to be seen by all the people who had been there for me and her during pregnancy and SCBU. Do you know what, in a couple of months when the novelty has worn off and whole days spread ahead of you seeing nobody - you'll be desperate for a few friendly faces at your door. Let people share in your excitement - let's be honest, a new baby is hardly the most fun thing in the world anyway and 2 weeks of no adult conversation would drive you loopy.

AbbeyA · 24/04/2008 13:40

I agree with DH perhaps being gatekeeper and telling people that you are tired but I think that it is very unfriendly to shut yourselves off. People may well not want to visit when you finally deign to let them!

Pinkjenny · 24/04/2008 13:42

YANBU - however, I said this too, and then when Alexa was born, I couldn't wait for everyone to meet her and show her off.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 24/04/2008 13:50

i found (and ds4 is 2 weeks now) that getting everyone to visit after a day or two meant that we got that out of the way and were left in peace, yet having upset nobody, until dh went back to work tuesday.

mind you i was showing him off on the school run when hew was 15 hours old but that mighn't be for many first timers lol

meglet · 24/04/2008 14:08

(((faints in shock at peachy on the school run with a 15 hour old baby))))

Well done!

Original poster

otter1980 · 24/04/2008 16:37

peachy 15 hours old? i am in awe...

OP posts:

soopermum1 · 24/04/2008 16:42

think YAB a bit U. as many have said, babies change so much, your 2 week old baby will not look like he/she did at one day old. having visitors will not prevent bonding with baby and i think you run the risk of being bored/lonely/ sniping at each other at the end of 2 weeks, just the 3 of you in the house. newborn time is lovely, but it can be tense, and, dare i say, boring, when you both have no idea what to do, baby is crying (when not asleep) and you're knackered. it's sometimes good to have some company to break all that. normal life does go on, people will want to see the baby/help/wish you well, so let them. also, you'll get some good tips as well.

lacarte · 24/04/2008 16:49

maybe ask people to stay at a b&b rather than with you? sorry if this has already been suggested - I felt a bit like this but then was delighted to have people around - for short visits and not all day long, of course. esp the ones that helped with the washing up and brought us food!

AbbeyA · 24/04/2008 16:53

I have lovely family and friends, mainly because I treat them the way that I would like to be treated-I don't withdraw and refuse to see anyone when they want to celebrate with me! A baby changes such a lot in the first few weeks, grandparents and other close family should be allowed a quick visit, even if you want to keep the rest at bay.

PeachyHas4BoysAndLovesIt · 24/04/2008 17:23

I'm tuff, me

it's often easier I find to go to people, rather than have them over- that way you can leave when you want (memories of DH kicking MIL out after 11pm on the day I gave birth to ds3 at 3am)

only person whoa ctually came here was my sister, but that was really appreciated as DS needed a trip to SCBU and she could look after the boys- fab timing! (not for her, she had 5 boys under 8 including ehr own in a strange house with no warning)

seeker · 24/04/2008 20:52

I picked dd up from a party with ds when he was 8 hours old - BEAT THAT!

AbbeyA · 24/04/2008 21:50

I think the thing is that after you have had your first you haven't got the choice-life has to go on! DCs need taking and picking up from places. I suppose with the first you have the option of being precious about the whole thing but I still wouldn't like to shut the world out.

meglet · 25/04/2008 22:12

I'm getting a medal engraved for you now seeker!

Word · 25/04/2008 22:20

YANBU. If that is your wish, your friends must respect it. Don't agree with Abbey's attitude that friends have a right to be treated "properly". Any friend worth their salt will understand that at this emotional, hormonal, exhausting time, YOU have a right to be "selfish"!

Jojay · 25/04/2008 22:32

I think your immediate family have a right to meet the baby - after all, it may be your son / daughter, but it's their grand child / whatever, and a very exciting time for them too.

I think the key is to keep visit's short though - no more than a couple of hours. I was in hospital for 3 dys after the birth of DS and quite enjoyed visits in there - it was SOOOO boring being in there, there was a set time limit to visits and I didn't feel I had to rush around offering cups of tea / hoovering before they arrived etc.

If I were you, I;d allow close family to visit in the first day or two, just for an hour or so, so they get to meet the baby.

Then they can all bog off until you're ready to see them again.

Have to say though, after 2 weeks of being stuck at home with DH and DS, I was overjoyed to see a new face!!

Good Luck!!!

toodles · 25/04/2008 22:35

YANBU - I felt exactly the same way about friends and extended family. Grandparents came to visit immediately though. Totally agree with Word about friends visiting.

BigBadMouse · 25/04/2008 22:57

No YANBU - you need to concentrate on you, the baby and DH.

It is possible you will feel differently when your DC arrives but since you are taking a step into the unknown I really think people should do their best to respect your wishes (although it is hard for them I'm sure).

Someone has already made a point about BFing. I personally found it very embarrassing to BF in front of relatives, it was hard enough getting the baby's position right without having to keep my boobs hidden from all and sundry. In the end I ended up having shut myself in our bedroom to BF - felt a bit like a prisoner in my own home and felt very unsociable doing that with visitors in the house. Gladly, my MIL realised how hard it was for us and cut their visit short. They came back a few weeks later and we were very glad to see them by then.

I think

Blueskythinker · 25/04/2008 23:19

Gosh. only 2 weeks!! I banned visitors for the first 4 weeks! I have to say though, that I allowed grandparents.

One of the reasons I insisted on leaving it so long, was that DD1 was exposed to chickenpox at 7 days old, and it was horrific to discover that 25% of new babies who contract chickenpox die. I was not going to go through that again with DS.

WinkyWinkola · 25/04/2008 23:52

Do what you feel is best for you, your DH and your baby.

It's not really a time to be evaluating and considering everybody else's needs.

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