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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - to not want visitors in 1st 2 weeks

71 replies

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 10:52

DP and i are expecting our 1st in next few weeks and v. excited.

much less excited by visitors issue. both sets of grandparents seem to think it will be acceptable for them to be around constantly, have been told that (childless) friends will be coming up to stay/popping over whenever they feel like it etc etc.

DP and I wanted to have 2 weeks alone with baby (as then he has to go back to work) and do some bonding, have now changed this to say family can visit in hospital and after a week at home, after 2 weeks friends. We have tried to tell people we think we will be a little overwhelmed so could they just bear with us and are being made to feel really mean.

AIBU? i know that we may change our minds but at the moment we're really tempted to not tell anyone when we have the baby so we get some peace... I know that it's their grandchild /neice /friends baby and they're excited but i feel like we're going to be overrun...

OP posts:

bubblagirl · 23/04/2008 11:41

babies grow so quick in the first few weeks would be a shame for grandparents not to have photo holding new born baby dont be afaraid to tell people your tired if you need peace and quiet

we had stream of visitors and i loved it so proud showing ds off glad all grandparents got to have newborn picture

just tell them between 12 and 2 or whatever time you think

but babies do change so much it would be a shame for grandparents to miss out out on new born stage

just have it as your rules your days and times people genuinly do understand how tiring it is so dont be afraid of upsetting people they would just be ahppy to meet new arrival and fuss over you for few hours

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/04/2008 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegarTits · 23/04/2008 11:42

tmmj - im thinking of having a 3rd date with him this weekend just for the fun of it.

you make me laugh wanting to stop strangers....

theressomethingaboutmarie · 23/04/2008 11:42

I did feel proud of my baby (and still do!) but you need the time to yourselves to establish feeding and to get your routines sorted (however loose your routines are). I would not have wanted family or friends round in the early days (as and when they wished), when my boobies were squirting milk across the lounge!!

Get em all over in one foul swoop and then enjoy your time together and alone - it's just lovely!

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/04/2008 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedsomesleep · 23/04/2008 11:44

Just through a big fat party! Stick all the stuff in your freezer now, buy the wine and beer and let people know when the Baby Party is when you let them know about the baby's arrival.

This way you get all the attention with none of the constant phone calls. And you won't be starting that "why is nobody interested in my gorgeous new baby" thread.

meglet · 23/04/2008 11:46

otter I hated visitors in the first few weeks. I didn't know what I was doing, I barely washed, house was a state.

Can you restrict close family to a couple of short visits of 15 mins? My DP's sister and kids stayed for 3 hours .

Unless they are going to do housework for you and do some shopping they should stay away. And don't even think about making them cups of tea!

my second one is due in September and no one is going to come round without my express permission. I'm going to be sending out a friendly but stern-ish e-mail.

FluffyMummy123 · 23/04/2008 11:46

Message withdrawn

VictorianSqualor · 23/04/2008 11:49

I agree with those who say to not make any decisions yet. I have an 8day old baby and would be perfectly happy for visitors, in fact my best mate is coming next weekend and I wish I'd told her to come sooner!
I've also had to get MiL to help do the school run so she doesnt feel bad about coming over and interferring, I practically have to push Ds on her even though I can see she is desperate to hold him!
You may well change your mind when baby is here, especially as it's your first, this is my thrid and I still didnt know how I'd feel after the birth.

Original poster

otter1980 · 23/04/2008 11:54

lol - its sods law that as soon as I give birth I'm desperate for everyone to coo over her!!

what we're said is for people to let us just get our heads round the whole thing and them they can come over... plus i dont really want to be sat stripped to the waist with a baby hanging off my norks while the world and his wife troops past... or maybe i'll have stopped caring by that point... so that way we havent banned anyone (and we'll agree some flexibility with grandparents...)

OP posts:

LadySanders · 23/04/2008 11:55

i loved having visitors, had house full of people drinking champagne on day 3 when i came out of hospital with ds2. loads of friends were wonderful and brought over "spare" shepherds pies they happened to have cooked. in laws drove from devon to london to stay one night, bless 'em, they also brought food, put washing on, held baby while i had a shower etc. BUT everyone's different, you should do whatever you feel comfortable with at the time.

VinegarTits · 23/04/2008 12:01

VS congrats, i was wondering if you had your baby yet, i have been mia for a few weeks.

VictorianSqualor · 23/04/2008 12:05

Thanks VT. Birth story is here if you want to read it, or not, i think people are going to get fed up with me hijacking threads going on about my baby lol.

CJMommy · 23/04/2008 12:08

Hi Otter, Just thought I'd tell you about my experience. Our DS is now 3 months old and I was adamant that once grandparents had visited in hospital, DS and I would not have vistors in the house until DH went back to work (2 weeks post birth). However, I did want to show DS off when he was born. We invited people around giving them a time to come and most were reasonable about just stopping for an hour. If they were outstaying their welcome, I took DS and myself off upstairs to bf ( didn't have a problem bf in public but people tend to go home if you take baby away!!). Anyway, this worked for us. I would say 'nothing set in stone'. It would be nice for G-parents to visit in hospital and you can always say to people to give it a couple of days after you get home and then to ring to arrange a visit. However, sometimes you just have to state things clearly to those 'friends' who are less than understanding! Good luck !

jingleyjen · 23/04/2008 12:10

Otter,
we said that we were happy to have guests during the day but NO overnight guests for the first 2 weeks (which turned into 2 months) I was really worried about nights and breastfeeding so didn't want to be wandering round the house bumping into FiL in the middle of the night.

Stick to what YOU want, they may be huffy about it now but over time they will mellow.

meglet · 23/04/2008 12:20

Just to add that my sister was a great visitor, cooked dinner, tidied up and helped sort out the piles of gifts and clothes we had received. If everyone was like that I would have felt a lot more relaxed. She doesn't have kids and she was the most helpful. You may be suprised who you find most helpful and easier to have round.

CJMommy · 23/04/2008 21:01

Oh yeah, we said no overnight visitors too.....until one set of grandparents (DS has 3 sets!)turned up from 200 miles away, expecting to stop, on the day we arrived home from hospital, despit telling them not to .However, DS screamed so much the first two nights that they packed up and left at 7am on the 3rd morning . Ironically, he's never cried like that at night since then!!

EffiePerine · 23/04/2008 21:03

No, you're right to do this. We did the same with DS - people could visit in hospital (you appreciate visitors there, esp if they bring mags and food) then 2 weeks without any interruptions . Worked well for us and if anyone was offended they didn't tell us!

Trolleydolly71 · 23/04/2008 21:12

Message withdrawn

sarahloumadam · 23/04/2008 21:33

Wish we had been stronger re visitors - we had the world and his aunty coming to see us in the first couple of weeks and not one of them brought a casserole, ran the hoover around or offered to do any ironing ! Think you are being sensible, it won't harm friends to wait a couple of weeks. Me and my friend said we both felt ready for visitors precisely at the moment when they stopped coming i.e. breast feeding established, feeling more presentable and less weepy etc.

AbbeyA · 23/04/2008 22:14

I think that it is lovely to see everyone and know that they are thrilled to welcome a new baby. You still have plenty of time to bond-it seems very joyless to shut everyone out.

sweetkitty · 23/04/2008 22:28

I feel like this with the birth of DD3 approaching fast unless people come and visit and take the other DDs out for a bit or make their own tea they cna sod off.

My Mum and StepDad came up less than 2 days after DD2 was born, it was DD1's lunchtime and I asked if they wanted anything to eat out of politeness they said yes so I made them some ham sandwiches my Mum then complained when I brought them through that they weren't bacon as she had thought. I was 2 days post partum and she wanted me to make her bacon sarnies, lazy cow that just her to a T.

I am seriously going to have a think about visitors this time.

Sidge · 23/04/2008 22:38

YAB slightly U

You have no idea now what you will feel like when your baby is here, so don't lay down the law yet. Tell people that you'll play it by ear and let them know when you are ready for visitors, and when they come if they don't bring food/gifts/do the ironing then they can't stay

2 weeks is a long time - remember your days (and nights) will be veeerrrryyyy long, and by a few days in you might be gagging for some company. Also you and DH will be itching to show off your little precious baby.

As long as someone (DH?) takes charge and doesn't let people overstay their welcome I bet you will love having people round. Everyone wants to admire the baby and you will get spoilt too. A new baby is so lovely and exciting, for everyone not just the parents.

CJMommy · 23/04/2008 22:56

Sidge, I agree. Put DH in charge of visitors - if you don't want someone to come , let him tell them... you will have enough to do without the stress of worrying about offending people.
Anyway, don't worry about it now, as many have said, just see how you feel when DD/S arrives x

babymutha · 23/04/2008 22:56

you are SO not being unreasonable - in fact I think it should be the norm for people NOT to visit in the 1st 2 weeks.
I had terrible problems breastfeeding, and having a constant stream of people wanting to hold our LO, be fed and entertained when I was supposed to be demand feeding ALL THE TIME made it really difficult and embarrasing. I was exhausted and tearful the last thing I needed was my in-laws making polite conversation in the living room! The best guest was my sister who made food, tidied up and got into bed with me and LO for a good old cuddle, then gentle
y drifted off (she also came back, stayed the night and stayed up with LO so I could get some sleep later on).
It is a beautiful thing introducing your baby to your extended friends and family but do it YOUR way in YOUR OWN GOOD TIME and when you do eventually feel ready to let the rest of the world into your nest INSIST that they bring homecooked food and do the washing up before they leave.

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